In too deep

[perfGentleman]

We were on a third date, after talking via emails and texts over 3 months.

 

We went on a third date, and on the way back I invited her over. She agreed without any hesitation. We talked and made out.

I was tired, horny and had been drinking beer and whiskey. I gave her oral sex and then she told me. I didn't even know what H was, no clue honestly. She hadn't drank with me. I guess what they say about trusting people who won't drink with you is true...

I should have been wiser and stopped, I tried. All I remember is thinking I better stop and leave now, next thing I know... we were done and I was asking myself if I would regret what just happened. I blame my sex drive, hormones, emotions, and alcohol for clouding my judgment. It is very hard to resist a beautiful naked woman. How do you kick someone out for revealing something like this? And yet find within you the strength to appease your desires...

Yes, I was weak. I should have taken a cold shower, a really cold one.

For the past six weeks, I have displayed every single symptom in the book, from tingling, to burning genitals and stabbing pain in the back and legs. I'm filled with regrets and anger, a sense that I was taken advantage of, used...

I did use a condom, and she had no symptoms at the time. I suspect the condom rolled during intercourse.

I expect to receive my official diagnosis from the sores tomorrow.

Besides having herpes doesn't mean I liked her less... I just hate having it now.

She seemed genuinely sorry at first. Altough after I confirmed to her my symptoms ,she had been avoiding me, won't return my calls and won't date me anymore. She won't tell me when she had planned to tell me. I'm not sure she ever meant to.

Now I'm afflicted with this, alone in my pain, lonely, and upset with myself. I promised myself I would never do this to anyone. Altough at times, I feel like taking revenge on the world. I feel as if she single handedly picked me...

My faith in people is shaken.

I have read everything online ( from blog posts to research articles on vaccines) and surely, H is not a big deal. It hurts as hell tough. Hurts like hell...

 

 

For the past 5 weeks I saw three doctors, they do not see any lesions convincing enough for them. Yet in my body I feel every symptom. I have stopped dating, isolated myself and plan to spend the rest of my year playing videogames and working out. My friends don't think it is a big deal, but they are not the ones who will deal with a sex less life.

It burns, it hurts, and I'm full of regrets.

[Amillionthings]

I feel your pain. She should have said sooner, but she did tell you. Alcohol us a fucker isnt it. He should have told me. He didnt. He lied. I have H too...i too used a condom. Here to support. You have found the right place..best support and advice you will find. X

[LiveNLearn]

I keep reading over and over that up to 80% of our population has the herpes virus. Many are asymptomatic, or many have had it for years and just don't know it. I remember how horrible I felt when I was first diagnosed. It is a hard place to be. Everyone on this site is wonderful, and you are definitely in the right place to find answers and support.

[WCSDancer2010]

@perfGentleman

 

First - welcome...and glad you found us. This forum is a wonderful place to work though all the emotions you are dealing with right now.

 

I'm going to put a warning up right now that I am known as the "Forum Mom" and I dispense "Tough Love" (and tons of Hugs!) when I feel it's needed. So what I am about to write is done with Love and is NOT personal.... but it's what I "see" in what you wrote.

 

First... although she could have told you earlier...when you were not drunk and horny... it's really hard to know when the "right" time is to tell someone. IMO, waiting until after you had performed Oral on her was not the best way to go about it, I'm *guessing* she also let her hormones rule her common sense ... and if she has HSV2 (which is my guess from what you have said) she could have reasoned to herself that it's sooo unlikely for you to get it from Oral that that was "ok" ... but she DID tell you before you had sex. So while she might have handled it differently, odds are she was battling internally with the "when do I tell him?" thoughts and when things escalated that night, she (like you) let her hormones gain control.... (and BTW, odds are she didn't drink because she knew she wouldn't tell you if she lost what little control she had on her integrity).

 

AND

 

as you admitted, you were drinking and horny... which is what got many of us into this predicament here :p . So, I have to say that it's a 50/50 deal that got you here. You BOTH could have done things differently. Certainly, getting someone's clothes off and giving them oral BEFORE you have discussed STD status is not the best way to avoid them.... and to be quite honest, most people who have HSV don't even know they have it... 80% have no symptoms. Odds are you have had sex with at least one partner, or at the very least, kissed someone with HSV1, and not known it.... and got lucky.

 

The bottom line is, all non-monogamous sex has a bunch of risks attached ... and it's up to each individual to become educated about those risks and make their choices of sexual endeavors accordingly (just as there is risk getting in car... you then choose what precautions you will take to try to avoid an accident or injury).

 

In the perfect world, you would have told her you needed to get educated about what Herpes is, how to protect yourself, and such... and taken that cold shower and then just held her close and let her know you still really liked her but you also needed to understand what she had just told you. But the world isn't perfect.

 

So - where do you go from here? Getting educated about Herpes (there are some great handouts that I will link to below), reading other people's stories (including the successful disclosures to non H partners), asking questions, and such, will help you to understand that this really is just a nuisance skin condition (admittedly painful sometimes...but that usually gets better over time too) with a crappy stigma attached.

 

And be gentle with her - I expect she is mortified that you got it...and is too embarrassed to look you in the eye.... which would explain why she isn't returning your calls. If you have ANY tone of anger or upset when you contact her, you will just push her away... because she will feel she deserves it. If you want to talk to her, she needs to know it will be a safe conversation...she doesn't need you beating her up with it right now...she's likely done a very good job of that already.

 

Your feelings right now are very normal... AND ... you will get through this. You've just joined over 25 million people in the USA with Herpes ... you are FAR from alone and one day you will realize that its not occupying every thought in your head...

 

(((HUGS))) my friend...

 

Handouts:

http://bit.lyh-opp-diagnosis-handout/

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

[alex08]

Been in her shoes and yours and I gotta say that all those feelings are so normal it's almost funny!

Yes she handled it wrong, yes you handled it wrong, but it's not to late to fix it all. People get STD and it's not always horrible or vengeful. Things happen. She told you, you did it anyway. You are both guilty, blameless and normal!

I totally agree with WCS. and not just cuz I'm a little afraid of her... You have to have a non-judgy conversation and make things right.

Good luck :-)

Ps if she really won't talk to you anymore then you have every right to call her all the bitches of the day.

[WCSDancer2010]

@alex... Afraid of me???? :(

 

I just say the things that most people are either afraid to say or that they can't articulate...with 100% love and intent to help... and LOTS of (((HUGS)))

 

I promise I don't bite :)

 

[alex08]

I was only kidding ;-)

[perfGentleman]

You are right... Thank you for your help and putting things in perspective. In perfect world, I should have taken a cold shower. That might have calmed my impulsive nature. I probably still wouldn`t have been able to think clearly, but maybe we wouldn`t have had sex.

 

Here is what I should have said :

"I'm annoyed because I really like you, and I really want you. I wish I had known about this before so I could figure it out correctly. I can't think right now, and any decision I make I might regret.

I want you to stay but if you do I might lose control and make a move on you. This is horribly hard and difficult for me, and I really want to hold you and make love to you, and this is driving me crazy.

So please leave and we can talk later. "

 

Anyway...

 

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. This is a really great community.

 

I made her feel really bad. - I'm not good at handling pain and said some really hurtful things. . .

 

Thanks again!

[WCSDancer2010]

I made her feel really bad. - I'm not good at handling pain and said some really hurtful things. . .

 

Well then, if you are a "Perfect Gentleman" (as your name implies) you will do the right thing and apologize, take responsibility for your part in the, and make it up to her somehow. ;)

[perfGentleman]

I have apologized. she never wrote back.

I still feel betrayed, I just feel she waited till I was at my most vulnerable to tell me and gave me little choice, cornered me. I feel as if I was tricked into the situation. Yes, I should have had enough strength to back away and recover my senses, make a thought through decision with the right "head" ... I should have sought out ways for safer sex... I know...

Especially when I admitted to her on the previous date that I was too trusting of other people.

I just don't see how I could ever trust her ...

[perfGentleman]

I know my feelings are not completely justified, and I feel like such a complete idiot for giving in. I did not know what I was getting myself into, I have many regrets and a lot of emotions I don't know how to deal with. I made a huge mistake.

And then I cannot justify to myself that someone would not be loved because of a virus, so I would have done it probably. It would not stop me. I just wish... I had been safer, not caught it... not the first time!!!

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Well then you have done everything you could do.. and it's time to move on. Like I said in my first reply, I think you are 50/50 responsible in this case.

 

Given that you texted and emailed for 3 months, it doesn't sound like she was looking for a hook-up. BUT, she has likely been ditched when she disclosed in the past and was afraid to tell you until she had no choice.( Esp given her response to your anger... I'm guessing she can't deal with any more rejections of any kind and she's mortified that you got it). And believe me, many people on here were never given a choice at all. YOU were given the choice..you can't blame her for your actions. Period.

[WCSDancer2010]

And honey - we are ALL human. We ALL make mistakes. We ALL take risks (knowingly and unknowingly) every day. And sometimes we lose the crap shoot. It is what it is.

 

"What if" will get you nowhere. Shoulda, woulda, coulda won't get you anywhere either. You can only deal with where you are NOW. So move on, get educated about your new friend, and learn how to keep him in his place. It's the only option you have, really, eh?

[perfGentleman]

it has been hard to come to acceptance. The symptoms haven't really stopped in the past 7 weeks since. The constant pain gets to my head.. So the pain has made me disagreable ( a jerk, frankly) and yes, angry.

 

Is there anything I can do to stop the constant back pain? I am on Acyclovir now, but it is still there.

 

The only times I would feel like myself were under the influence ( more booze!).

 

 

I can't change the past. I know why I did what I did and I can't fix it with all the regrets in the world. I look to the future and I'm weary. Even when If I get past disclosure, I'm going to have a hard time putting another person's health at risk.

 

I get bad thoughts, dark thoughts, the kind you shouldn't have. and there is the self hatred.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

So here's the deal - I don't think the back pain is from the Herpes...I could be wrong...but if it was the herpes the acyclovir should have had at least *some* effect.

 

I'll tell you one thing I learned about back pain a long time ago...it's often associated with depression or bad times. I've found mine will tend to flare when my relationships are not doing well. I had a breakthrough years ago around relationships and how I was reacting to other peoples behaviors (so I don't take everything personally and I am able to move on faster) and I have hardly had a twinge since...which is HUGE because I used to throw it out on a regular basis.

 

So my suggestion to you is to get some Therapy to work on that self hatred and those dark thoughts. It's REALLY important for you to get past that...to realize that we ALL screw up and to FORGIVE yourself.... I know guys really, really hate to make mistakes, especially ones that will follow you around, but honey, you are FAR from alone and not to sound too dramatic, but your LIFE depends on you learning how to forgive yourself... not just for this but for anything you do. It's the only way to move forward.... living with a person who can't do this puts sooo much pressure on the other person to carry them through their self-loathing and that is a heavy burden to put on anyone. AND, it doesn't have to be that way.

 

And in the meantime, when you have been a jerk to someone, just go back later and apologize -tell them you are going through some stuff right now and it's making you act poorly. People will understand that if you are honest with them and ask for their patience ... and THAT is a good step towards forgiving yourself...because when you are acting like a jerk and not cleaning it up, you just add that to the pile of crap about yourself that you hate. ;)