Still worth it to ask him to get tested for herpes?

[misskellyrenee]

So I had brought up before about my last partner being really unsupportive and emotionally abandoning me- also the man that I believe gave me herpes. I broke out within days of having sex with him. It has been 5 months since we spoke.

 

He never told me of his status after he got tested.

 

One of the reasons I am considering it is because I am trying to date again, which means I will need to disclose. I would like to be able to say that it was him, and I don't want to claim it was him if it wasn't him. Also, it makes me curious.

 

The downside is that knowing it was him doesn't change anything, he could lie about it (which is unlikely, as he is usually brutally honest) and finally, if he is negative, then I may wonder who it was.

[WCSDancer2010]

@misskellyrenee

 

Well, IMO, as far as disclosure, I don't think you need to know - it really isn't any future partner's business where you got it...it's not their business if you had 1 BF or 20, if you had tons of 1 night stands, whatever. Your past is your PAST ... it's not for them to judge you based on where you may have gotten Herpes. You can say you believe it was him, but given that many people have H for quite some time without knowing it, it's unlikely you will ever know for sure...

 

So if it's really eating at you, then I guess you can ask but as you said it doesn't change anything.... so really, what's the point?

 

Peace :)

[misskellyrenee]

True, they don't need to know my past. I'm big on not sharing too many details of my sexual history unless its STD related. A part of me figured it sounds more put together saying who I think it came from as opposed to it being a "maybe but maybe not" kind of thing- but that could be my own deal. That and with what you said, I could still say that I believe it was him.

 

I'm still not sure what is pushing me to ask, as I've thought about it many times. I wonder if he has it, I wonder if he's had to disclose. I wonder if he's had an outbreak. I wonder if he is embarrassed or sorry about what happened, if he knows that I have to be on antivirals

 

I've moved out of the depression stage a long time ago. I know I will find someone to love and accept me. I'm not letting H define me.

 

I guess it is more wondering if I got the raw end of the deal. If he has to deal with this at all, if he is disclosing or has any feelings associated with it at all. Kind of the same way you wonder after a bad breakup if the other person grieved or suffered.

[WCSDancer2010]

I hear ya on that ... been there, done that, got the T-shirt (actually, a drawer-full of the suckers... but I haven't been adding to it lately... well, maybe a camisole or a tube top or two... :p )

 

AND

 

that is sorta in the "resentment/anger" spectrum of emotions (Why should he not suffer if I am or... Good, glad he's suffering too...)... and you know what they say about anger...

 

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die

 

Let it go my friend... stop drinking the poison ;)

 

[Sparklepony]

I know how you're feeling. I don't feel this way about getting herpes, I've been on a whole soul searching kick the last two weeks. I felt this way about most situations in my life though. While anger is a totally normal and sometimes healthy emotion, it can start to break you down eventually. Not accusing you of being outright angry, but it seems like you're looking for ways to get answers. Closure maybe. Which quickly turns into anger when actually receiving those answers. Chances are he did give it to you. He also wouldn't tell you. The emotional issues and the 5 months of not talking says if he is faced with you asking him about a herpes test he will more than likely blame you or deny and get defensive. That my friend, is not worth your time. You have no obligations to disclose to a future partner who gave it to you, just that you have it.

 

I know it's frustrating not knowing, but sometimes you just have to accept that it is what it is and carry on.

[YoungAndReceptive]

You know what? To me it sounds like the culprit is exactly who you think it is.

I was just diagnosed 2 weeks ago, and I'm pretty sure my one and only one night stand gave it to me cause i had an OB 2 days later. I straight up asked did you give me an STD? He claimed he had chlamydia but was treated and while responding to my texts played the nice guy role. Then when I was diagnosed I went off on him, I wasn't out of line but I told him GOOD! (which I think when I look back I'll be happy I stood up for myself and was a strong woman) He claimed he got tested and was negative but deep down I know he's lying and he gave it to me, and he knows I know that.

So that's what I'm trying to say. Guys lie (not all but lots lol). Guys want to protect their reputation and since herpes has that stigma he most likely isn't going to admit to it you. If he says he's negative, ask him to send you a picture of his negative blood test ;) (i really wish I did that)

So if you truly believe it's him it very well could be. Knowing who gave it to you unfortunately won't change anything and it's something you need to get passed, and that's what therapy is for! lol. I'm going through that same dilemma and want the guy to admit it to me because even though I'm 95% sure it was him, i'll never know. But it's something I have to grow to accept.

 

What I think is it's your body, your life, and all of us with HSV need to move on. If finding out if it's him will help you move on then ask! Do you really give a crap about what that guy thinks of you anymore? If not don't be shy about asking esp since he already knows you have it, so it's not like you're hiding a secret from him. But if he doesn't give you the answer you want don't let that destroy you either because he very well could be lying, but you'll never be 100% sure if he's lying or not. So at the end of the day I don't think there is any harm in asking, but as you know that won't change anything. Whatever you think will help you heal and leave this in the past I think you should do. Good luck hun!

[WCSDancer2010]

@YoungAndReceptive

 

Men AND women lie. Pure and simple. About anything and everything. Usually our of fear. Fear of being found out that they are a fraud (because deep down, many people really believe they ARE a fraud..but that's what therapy is for ;) ). Fear of rejection. Fear of mortality. Fear of being outed to everyone else. The list goes on and on. And until they learn to love themselves and have confidence in themselves) they will lie when their their "Auto-fear" button gets triggered.

 

IF Misskellyrenee's ex is the culprit, he likely doesn't want to admit to himself, never mind anyone else, that he's "flawed". Or he may be afraid you will go tell everyone he gave it to you (that's a BIG one for people who are told they were the "giver" .. they feel it's bad enough they have it... but they'll look like a total douche bag if the word goes around that you gave it to someone ... so they will deny, deny, deny... )

 

Again... this can be a HUGE learning experience for you both - to let go of what you feel they *should* do (take responsibility). Any time the *should* word (or similar - you both really want them to own up) comes into play, you are attached to how *they* should be and the result *you* want. Attachments, or expectations, are planned disappointments. And it just keeps you from finding total happiness. As long as that is occupying your head space, there's less space for peace and love to enter. So try to let it go. It's all in the past and in the grand scheme of things, it won't matter one bit where you got it...what matters is how you react to the challenge... ;)

[misskellyrenee]

Definitely. Still not asking him or anything. I've gone through the therapy when i was first diagnosed so I could see myself more clearly, as well as navigate him getting tested and all that mess.

I always try to tell myself that even if he didn't give it to me, how he reacted was the thing that stood out the most. When I broke it off 5 months ago, I did so in an email and told him why I was doing what I was doing and explained briefly that he wasn't there, that he disappointed me and let me down, etc. I told him to never contact me.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

I told him to never contact me.

 

Well then, at least give him credit for doing what you asked him to do. I totally get the reason for the email but you certainly didn't leave a door open to go back to ask questions later, now did you?

[misskellyrenee]

I had figured why would I want someone who would treat me that way to talk to me?

 

Does this change things?

[WCSDancer2010]

No - but my point it you started this with saying you would like to know if he was the one that actually gave it to you...but you firmly shut the door to communicate with him in the email.

 

IMO knowing won't change things... except perhaps to give you some kind of gratification by knowing that he also has to deal with it and to get rid of the question of who gave it to you. And neither thing will change anything now... ;)

[misskellyrenee]

Yeah and if he doesn't have it then I don't get the satisfaction that he is going through it as well.

[WCSDancer2010]

Exactly!!!

[misskellyrenee]

So I snooped a bit and found out he moved within 4 miles of me.

Damn it.

At least before he lived 15 miles away and our likelyhood of running into each other was small.

Crap crap crap.

He freakin knows I live over this way....why did he choose this part of town!? He has all of Los Angeles!

[WCSDancer2010]

So why did you have to snoop around? Are you a glutton for punishment?

 

Whatever happens, once again, you just have to put him and his possible connection to giving you herpes behind you. Obsessively trying to get info on him and such is not healthy for you. And if you run into him, just keep on walking...

 

 

[misskellyrenee]

I'm still in that weird phase where he irritates me, yet I still find him physically attractive, so I look at his profile for new pictures and to see what he's up to.

If I ever run into him I won't approach. The most I would do is shake my head.

Its just like, this is my territory. My area. My Domain. Now I know I gotta look good or at least decent when I go to the grocery store because i might see him, or eating at restaurants that I like to go to with my friends or potential dates.

[WCSDancer2010]

So you are allowing him and his opinion of you to continue to dictate to you how you dress and how you run your life??? Why do you give a shit what he thinks? Just get on with your life, find your happiness and your bliss, and that will be the sweetest "pay back" possible.

 

And honey, looking at his profile and such to see what he's up to is cyber stalking (and we've probably all done it at some time or other on here, me included :p ). You can't move on until you delete him from your life. You certainly don't need to worry about disclosing to anyone else until you do this, because you won't be emotionally available to them until you do ;)

 

Peace

[misskellyrenee]

It's not necessarily that I care a ton what he thinks, its just that usually I run to the store in whatever I'm wearing around the house because I don't really know anyone. Now, the person I could run into, is him. I just don't want to look disheveled if I see him. I don't want to give him any reason to think I am doing worse than I really am.

I am still interested in other guys. I have one prospect I just haven't seen around in a while. I've got my eye on him though.....he turn's me into a 5 year old when he's around haha.

Guys are a bit hard to come by, I'm a student without a job, a full schedule at school, and required volunteer work to boost my resume for when I apply for internships next year, and daily workouts. Basically, I am busy as hell with no money in a female dominated major. I try to keep my eyes open, but there just aren't many opportunities.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

It's not necessarily that I care a ton what he thinks, its just that usually I run to the store in whatever I'm wearing around the house because I don't really know anyone. Now, the person I could run into, is him. I just don't want to look disheveled if I see him. I don't want to give him any reason to think I am doing worse than I really am.

 

Sorry hon, but you just contradicted yourself :p ;)

 

And it doesn't get any easier in your 50's to find a good guy, believe me :)

 

[misskellyrenee]

I don't think its wrong to want to keep appearances when it comes to exes. I understand that doing well is the best revenge and all that cliched stuff. Its not wrong that I want to make sure I look good in the event I run into my ex, which is more of a possibility now that he lives so damn close. Its a definite ego thing I know but I can't let it go.

I'm sure eventually I will forget he lives super close anyways.

I really am trying to get over him for good, it just seems like no mater how busy I am I always have time to think about him- both about sex with him, and about how we left things. I do think about other guys and i let myself be busy but he is always in the background.

I know the solution is to get out and have new experiences but those opportunities aren't plentiful right now

[Guest]

If I may dissent from Dancer, I think it is productive for you to know when you most likely first contracted H. When you do master the issues, an important thing for your next partner to consider in the risks, is how long you have had H, and when you had your last outbreak. Women who have H for a longer time, tend to have greater antibodies, less frequent outbreaks, understand their symptoms more, and are generally a lower risk than a recently infected woman.

[WCSDancer2010]

Unhappy1

 

The general consensus is that you are most likely to have OB's in your first year. And many people on here will tell you, they got it from someone who "has had H forever and hasn't had an OB in years". Usually because they knew nothing about asymptomatic shedding or they got complacent and think they are safe because they have not had anyone who has (to their knowledge) got it from them.

 

Yes, the longer you have it, the better you know your body and your symptoms. But the biggest thing you can do to protect your partner is to get well educated and get on anti-virals/use condoms... some of the biggest "gifters" of herpes are those who have had it a long time and who are not up to date with their info ... :(