Struggling with acceptance

[ellierae]

Hello,

 

Since I have found out that I have genital herpes, it has been extremely difficult to cope. I don't know if it is because I have only had 2 partners in my life and I got this or what the case may be. I come from a strong "conservative christian" background where things like this is in lieu of a "punishment. Well I have since left that way of thinking and am starting to be a free spirit. So I had just threw it in the back of my mind until I get an angry vagina. Then all the feelings of guilt and sorrow and denial and all these negative things come rushing back and it really puts me down. I don't feel beautiful or attractive, I feel like everyone will think I am disgusting if I reach out for support.

 

What are some ways that you have accepted the diagnosis and moved on with your life?

 

Also, if I am not convinced I have due to a lack of a serious all over breakout, should I go get retested?

 

My drs visit when I went was for something completely different and I had only had 1 blister which I thought was an allergic reaction to a latex condom that my bf and i had used. I do have a mild latex allergy.

[HerryTheHerp]

Hey Ellie Rae,

 

Well, I come from a Conservative Christian background, and guess what, I got it, too. After 3 partners. Sucks, huh?

 

Now, you have to stop thinking of it as a punishment. It's not. God doesn't work that way, at least not my God. Now, that said, you start seeing fire and brimstone falling from the sky and heading in your direction...at that point you're being punished, and boy you'd better start praying fast.

 

Next time your vagina gets angry, tell it to knock it the 'eff off. Last time it got horny, look what it got you? It gets angry, and look out world.

 

Guilt, sorrow, denial, bargaining, they're all part of the healing process. Don't deny them. Go through them. Muddle through the pain and agony, and you'll make it. Take it a day at a time, a step at a time, a problem at a time.

 

Accepted the diagnosis? It's really simple. Go look in the mirror. Look yourself in the eye. Say "I have herpes." Did your reflection change? Nope. Are you still the same beautiful, sexy, charming woman you were before? Yep. Remember, no one can see your herpes; and having herpes isn't a reflection of who you are as a person.

[ellierae]

Thank you so much. Its been so hard for me, I found out September of 2013 and finally decided to join a support group. I got divorced and have found the love of my life. I have been disowned if you will by my parents and most of the people since I left the church and started dating a "non-believer". I felt alone until I searched and found this wonderful place.

 

What is your background? Mine was southern baptist. I have since started to see things in a different way. I have been studying the Eckhart Tolle book A New Earth, and it has helped with a lot of things that I grew up learning.

 

Thank you again for the support. It means so much to me. My bf is very loving and says he loves me no matter what but sometimes I don't think he quite knows what else to say because I don't think he has it.

[HerryTheHerp]

I got it in November 2013, so we're practically family. :)

 

Give your family time to come around. One day, they'll realize that love trumps religion. Trust me, it'll happen.

 

I think a lot of us can relate to the "feeling alone" until we found this place. Adrial has created a wonderful community and it keeps getting fabulous residents who find their way here.

 

I was Mormon, but haven't been in 22 years.

 

Glad you and your boyfriend are working through this together as a team. It makes a big difference. Whether he has it or not, he loves you and he supports you, and that is what love is all about.

[ellierae]

That's awesome :) I mean that we're so close in age haha. It helps to know there is a community of people just wanting to support each other and just have a shoulder to cry on. Check out the Eckhart Tolle stuff. It is life changing!!! It gives amazing insight to enlightenment. I don't know what your spiritual practice is or if you have one. If your any thing like me I was so turned off by the idea of "religion" that I was so turned off by the idea of anything. But I also came to realize that there is something greater than myself. It's just amazing :) so what's your story?

 

[Sparklepony]

Hello!

 

First off, number of partners has nothing to do with why you got this. Some people have one partner and BAM "angry vagina" (or other parts if you are not of the lady gender), some people have 20+ partners and nothing. All it takes is one. Part of the stigma of herpes is the people who with the luck of the draw end up having herpes then buy into the stigma. Creates a vicious cycle. You are in no way being punished. Though it's hard not to feel like that, sometimes life just happens and it's unfair.

 

You asked what were some ways we accepted our diagnosis. Well, for me it was a matter of just telling myself I was wasting emotions on something I couldn't change no matter how many tears I cried or how many times I tried to tell myself it was just a really bad dream. I literally forced myself to accept it. I've been through far worse than this and it only bettered me. As a person, as a parent, as a friend. I will make this situation do the same for me. I will be kinder to myself, body and mind. I will be more selective of who I chose to open my body and emotions up to.

[WCSDancer2010]

I totally have got to go to bed... I'll get back to read this tomorrow... but I had to make one point. I got HSV1 at the age of 3 ... and HSV2 at 17 with my first sexual experience. Talk about not fair! 35 year later, and I've had a great life ... 20 yr marriage (and amicable divorce), 2 beautiful daughters, 2 BF's post divorce, and a very active social life. ;)

 

And I just have to say, I LOVE your "angry vagina" comment... gave me a good giggle :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[WCSDancer2010]

Ok - sooo.... I'm back ;)

 

I love that you are reading Eckhart Tolle's book (and @Herry and EVERYONE for that matter :) - I think you would like that book a LOT!). So about acceptance. Try reading Chapter 2 ... A Voice in the Head again. Really get to your core his point about when he starts laughing and realizes "Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be".

 

I have been disowned if you will by my parents and most of the people since I left the church and started dating a "non-believer". I felt alone until I searched and found this wonderful place.

 

This makes me soooo angry when I hear of religions that convince families to disown their loved ones just because they are not towing the "party line". That is manipulation and it's a very insidious and clever way of getting people to not think for themselves or question the doctrine of said religion.

 

It plays on the human reaction (and animal for that matter... any herd/pack/group animal has the same reaction) to being rejected/cast out/shunned. It's a very primal instinct that works for animals because to survive they HAVE to behave in a certain manner for the good of the group. Young upstart males get sent out of the group when they start to challenge the dominant male...and being alone or in a small group puts them at much bigger risk for getting eaten by a predator. Any animal that challenges the dominant male/female gets sent packing from the group.

 

So it's a very primal reaction. We humans have a part of the brain called the Reptilian brain... which is responsible for Survival ... it's the "act first think later" part (ie, when you touch a hot stove and jump before you realize you are getting burned) as well as the "Do whatever you have to to not get kicked out of the Herd" part. There have been some amazing studies recently ( http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection ) that show that rejection triggers the same nerve pathways as those that cause you to jump when your hand touches the stove. Read up on it - it may help you gain clarity about how your parents are operating from an area that they are totally unconscious of .... they are following the herd, because that is what they have been led they must do to survive/get to heaven. :( (And BTW, I am NOT knocking religion ... just the parts where manipulation is brought into play to ensure people stay within the bounds of said religion ... )

 

And I'm still giggling about the Angry Vagina .. so is the male equivalent the Pissed Off Penis??? :))

[ellierae]

As far as the angry vagina goes, my bf came up with that term when I am on my period due to my cramps being out of control. But I have adapted it to be also when I have obs which I am still trying to figure out with my body because clearly everyone is different.

 

As far as the church and religion that is why I left the church because it was all nonsense. Which also why I started reading and listening to audio book of Eckhart Tolle. I am tired of going to a place where I am constantly being judged and made to feel like crap.

 

Since reading and listening my life has already started to change, it is what lead me to join here.

[mr_hopp]

Here's a group discussion I had with a few other community members a while back on the topic of rejection:

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3

 

And I love Eckhart Tolle! Reading the Power of Now years back is one of the things that really set about lasting change and a path of self-reflection and self-love. Know that someone can't *make* you feel like crap. You allow yourself to feel like crap. It's so true. What someone says can trigger one of those self-defeating thoughts I already have about myself. It's a domino effect. It's a fascinating thing to notice as it's happening. And there's a lot of opportunity for healing in noticing that effect. Eckhart Tolle said in the power of now "I can't live with myself." And that thought led him to an amazing realization. And that realization is the basis of the Herpes Opportunity as well. It's been said so many ways in so many words. And here's what Tolle said about his "awakening" ...

 

"It’s interesting that stepping out of thought was actually triggered by a thought. At that moment, consciousness looked at the thought “I can’t live with myself,” and I realized there are two here—“I” and the “self I can’t live with.” And then there was another little thought: Who is this self that I can’t live with? But there was no answer; that was the last question. And then it didn’t matter. This peace had changed my perception of the world of form too, of the external world. When I woke up the next morning, everything was beautiful and intensely alive and peaceful."

 

From here: https://www.eckharttolle.com/article/Spiritual-Awakening-Of-Eckhart-Tolle

[ellierae]

I have been all over his website and things. I am so glad that others have heard of him and read his stuff. Its amazing.