Should I admit to having herpes on my dating profile?

[misskellyrenee]

I've read about how open Dancer is on her profiles and how it has improved the quality of the men that have messaged her.

I tried an experiment on my dating profile where I would tell some guys who messaged me that I had H. I would tell ones who would send a first message saying 'Tell me your story," and I would tell them that. Or, if I felt as if they put no thought into messaging me, I would send them my story." I did that both because I want the practice disclosing, but also, I feel like a lot of men message tons of women on there without thinking about the person. SO in a way it was also about making them think.

 

Some men did not respond, but more than a few still responded positively which really surprised me.

 

The pros would be that I would not have to worry about disclosure later on down the line, and would only need to reiterate the risks. I can take down my disclosure at anytime too, so it isn't as if it is permanent.

 

The cons would be that I am officially putting out there for all the world (the OKCupid world at least) that I have H. I am also concerned that people that I don't want to disclose to would see it. As well, I wonder about people who would say no right away, that would have said yes had they known me better before I disclosed.

 

I am interested in hearing all sides of this.

[AmyL]

shoot I'm going to either accept me and this or bye bye...simple but I'm still in that beginning stage

[WCSDancer2010]

@misskellyrenee

 

First, I want to applaud you for taking on trying the "Open Disclosure" in your profile. The HIV world has ads on the LOGO Tv network about Full Frontal Honesty around HIV and I believe there is a movement towards more honesty in many areas concerning sex. THANK HEAVENS!

 

However, you must do what you are comfortable with as far as any result from someone you know finding out. Remember I am totally "out" so I don't care who finds out. So IF you put it on your profile, you need to be ok with someone finding out .... and how you would deal with it. It has the possibility of being empowering IF you are strong enough to not take anything personally that anyone may say to you....you HAVE to know that it's all about THEM, not about you or your Herpes friend.

 

IMO, if you are disclosing on the first contact it's a "nearly as good" option in that you will still get the guys who really, TRULY value integrity and honesty.... the ones that don't come back to you *might* have stayed if you told them later, but I have to say, it's been nice to be with/talk to men from day one who are not concerned about the Herpes.... I'm talking to a new guy now who seems to be VERY attracted to me (we've already met for coffee) who isn't at all concerned about H and he contacted me first.

 

Oh, BTW, if you put it in your profile, put it further down your bio... for 2 reasons. 1) If someone you know is just trolling through they are unlikely to see it and 2) you figure out which guys contacted you on photos alone by their message ... if they don't mention it, odds are they were photo surfing ... its a good time to ask if they read your profile and see if they are looking for looks or substance ;)

 

Like you I knew I could take it down if it was a disaster but I have to say I am pleasantly surprised at the results so far ... I've had at least 10-15 contacts ... only a few caught my eye where I thought I'd like to get to know them (about average) ... one turned out to not be ready to date, a couple fizzled out, but this guy I'm talking to now has me cautiously optimistic.... at least as much as one can be in a few days of talking and one meeting ;)

[misskellyrenee]

I ended up putting it on there, in the "the most private thing I am willing to admit" section of the profile. I believe we are both on OKC Dancer, lol. So that is where I put it. Very brief but as informative as I could make it.

In the "You should message me if" part of the profile, I put "If you don't put your favorite color in the first line of your message to let me know you read the entire profile, then I won't respond." To make sure that the person read the entire profile.

[WCSDancer2010]

Ah - that's clever ... tho if you really think a guy is worth a chance, I'd follow up with a quick ... "Did you read my whole profile?" line ... and see if he comes back with the color "password" ... ;)

 

Yeah - I'm on OKC and POF...I have my statement on both

[mr_hopp]

Heya Miss Kelly! :)

 

This is great that you're exploring being more open around transparency. I, too, applaud you for that. Courageous. It's not for everyone. It all depends on where each person is in their healing process with themselves and their preference on transparency. And my comment here is coming from a place of my feeling protective over each person's individual healing process and honoring what each person is ready for. :)

 

What jumped out at me was something very different than what's already been so beautifully covered in this post. It's the title of this post itself. Using the word "admit" caught my attention.

 

It may seem like a minor point, but it could be pointing to something deeper. Are you "admitting" that you have herpes or are you more "informing" (or sharing, or another word in that spectrum)? Very different words with very different feelings that hint at the perspective that this situation is being seen through. To me, "admitting" hints to me that in the revealing, there might be a certain level of shame in it. For anyone who is exploring this, in order to explore it in the most healthy and self-honoring way, I would want the disclosure to be coming from the perspective of informing/sharing rather than admitting.

 

Here's a blog post on the power of words to go deeper into this exploration if you're interested:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-wordplay-the-power-of-words/

 

... and the whole idea of "perspectives" is also covered in the disclosure e-book. Super important stuff for all of us to be aware of.

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

[misskellyrenee]

I do see it as disclosing, I'm not sure why I put "admit" instead of "disclose." I don't really feel a sense if shame, hesitation maybe, but I can't say I feel shame :).

I guess I saw it as "admit vs omit"

[mr_hopp]

Awesome. That's great to hear. The words we use is something that I get super curious about (and fascinated by). They are super powerful in how we experience our reality. Carry on! :)

[misskellyrenee]

Oh yeah for sure, different words can carry different meanings for everyone. When I "admit" something, it doesn't necessarily mean I am ashamed, it usually means that something is personal, which this definitely is!

However, it did feel pretty nice to put that on my profile.