Successful Herpes Disclosure (but not for the reasons you might think)

[mazedaze818]

I posted a discussion a little while ago leading up to having the talk with a guy I'd been seeing. We were dating for about a month and he was the first person I'd considered semi-seriously since my last boyfriend. Having the talk was a big deal, I've always treated sex with a lot of weight, but disclosing made it all the more nerve wracking.

 

We made plans for him to stay the weekend and I asked him over with the plan to have a sit down discussion, I couldn't put it off any longer. He showed up I was crazy nervous and decided to wait a bit before we talked about it...in the event that his reaction was negative, I wanted to enjoy being with him in that blissful ignorance for just a little longer. The night was great, I felt super connected to him, we talked about him not wanting me to date anyone else, we cuddled under a blanket outside and looked at the stars...essentially it was one of the most romantic nights I've ever had.

 

So the next morning he knew something was wrong, and finally he said "nothing you can say will make me walk out the door, don't worry". I bit the bullet and told him, "the guy who took advantage of me in college took off the condom and didn't tell me, a year later I got tested and I found out I have genital herpes." I waited a bit and then started in on all the statistics: my being asymptomatic, how common it was, how the stigma is way worse than the actual virus etc. My delivery was level headed and sincere, I didn't cry (which was difficult) but before I could get my whole speech out he stopped me and explained that he took an extensive sexual health class in college and knew all the facts already. He thanked me for telling him, said he felt bad that I'd been keeping it in for so long, and was sorry that it happened to me. We talked for a little while longer, went upstairs and made breakfast together, spent the rest of the weekend really happy.

 

We ended up in bed later on and I asked him how he felt about us moving further physically, and he said he wanted to take some time to think about it. That was hard to handle because I knew he'd come over ready to have sex if I'd given him the okay, but once things got "real" and I made myself truly vulnerable, he had to reevaluate his position. Knowing that I was being "reconsidered" was hurtful, I didn't hold it against him because I understood it was his right to set physical boundaries but it stung all the same. We had a really sweet goodbye and made plans for him to come over in a few days. I was relieved but a little uneasy.

 

So from this point on things took a sad turn...I still heard from him every day but the frequency of our conversation changed. It wasn't drastically different, he wasn't aloof or short but I could tell something was off. He came over Wednesday, we kissed hello and made small talk. We were sitting on the couch, he took a breath and gave me this look and I knew we were going to revisit our most recent conversation...he told me that it didn't change his desire for me, he still wanted to sleep with me, but the conversation had forced him to think about what we were doing together. Where was our relationship going? If I was so willing to be honest and vulnerable, offer to go on medication if it would make him feel more comfortable, he had to consider how he felt about me in a potentially long term/committed scenario. And he said he realized he wasn't ready to be serious, that he didn't see himself in a long term relationship with me. He didn't feel right seeing me knowing he wasn't serious after I'd put myself out there in such a profound way.

 

Ugh.

 

That's the only word that comes to mind. After all that internal struggle, the fear, the excitement, the hope, and then his reaction, after all of that, he didn't want to see me anymore. Still wanted to have sex with me, but didn't have any interest in pursuing a romantic relationship.

 

Ugh ugh ugh.

 

I deserve a purple heart or something because I didn't cry, my voice didn't crack, I handled this harpoon to the chest like a pro. It was all an act because inside I felt like my internal organs were eating themselves, but I held it together. I was shocked, things were going so well. I hadn't really thought about us being in a serious relationship, I was just having fun getting to know him but still, hearing him say he didn't want me was awful. To his credit, he was very nice about the whole thing. He was honest but gentle, I didn't feel judged and that's a hard balance to strike. It was a tough conversation, he seemed to struggle with it more than I did but I think that was because he felt guilty for hurting me. It was messy and heartbreaking and such a shame, there was something special and sweet and worth pursuing but it stopped before it had a chance to develop. I think the "what could have been?" is the hardest thing to deal with. However, it's not all bad news.

 

There is a silver lining...

 

The herpes conversation forced him to face his intentions: he wanted to have sex with me but didn't want a relationship with me. Yes that is rough news to hear but it's also kind of a godsend. Imagine if I never disclosed to him or if I didn't have herpes at all. We probably would have waited a bit longer, had sex, I would have felt considerably more attached to him afterwards, and then he would have said the same thing: I don't want you to be my girlfriend. That pain would have been so much worse, that rejection would have cut me in two. I dodged a bullet, a big fat depressing heartbreak of a bullet.

 

Disclosing takes a lot of heart and courage, when you show yourself to someone like that they are forced to look inward and it brings some real important truths to the surface. By being so honest with someone you get a pretty remarkable glimpse at who they are deep down. That kind of truth is something most people don't get to see until they're well into a relationship.

 

I'm not saying the last few days have been easy, as soon as he walked out the door I collapsed on the floor and cried. I listened to Bob Dylan's Blood on the Tracks on repeat and wept and hiccuped and sobbed. But I survived. I'm smarter for having gone through it, I can feel proud of myself for doing the right thing and putting myself out there. It didn't work out, I got turned down but I gave it a real solid shot and that's not easy to do.

 

I've got a date tonight with someone new, he's nice/tall/handsome/successful and I might lose myself all over again, but whatever the outcome I know who I am and I know that I'm going to be okay.

 

Thanks to everyone on this forum, reading the posts and getting advice definitely helped. I'm glad to be here and if anyone wants to reach out or talk I'd love to exchange stories and support.

 

 

 

[willow]

Its heartbreaking to read this, as i ki da had a similar experience... but im so happy to hear u r ok!

Ur right about what if u didnt have hsv, slept with him, felt closer, just to fimd out all it was, was sex.

dang people and their trying so hard just to have a f***buddy!!

Good for u though! And hope u have fun on your date!

xox

[WCSDancer2010]

@mazedaze

 

Thank you so much for sharing this story.... it's yet another example of Herpes being your Wingman ( http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/ ) You saw him for who he is... a GOOD guy with enough integrity to be honest with you about his intentions ... but not until after you disclosed something to him that made him stop and think and be honest with himself. As I tell people all the time who are crying about someone who rejected them after disclosure...

 

He wasn't that into you... he just wanted to GET into you.

 

I hate to put all men in one basket, but lets just say that many of their ilk think with the wrong head first .... they are attracted to us... not just physically much of the time .... they may like "the whole package", but they often are not thinking more than a week (at best) down the road. They will do what they need to to get into our pants... including telling us we are the only one they want to be with.... and that's fine if that's all we want too. But if you are TRULY looking for a long term relationship Herpes will do a great job of weeding out many of the ones who are not really, HONESTLY into YOU first and foremost. And it's nothing personal. It's about where they are, right now in their journey. And kudos to any of them who are honest enough to tell you BEFORE you get into bed (disclosure or not ... I've had 2 who decided they were not looking for the same thing as me AFTER disclosure and AFTER we were physical a few times ... turns out both were rebounding and lied to themselves as well as me :( I'm working on figuring out why I am suddenly attracting that kind of guy to me :p ).

 

And GOOD FOR YOU for realizing that this is just proof that he's not what you are looking for and for not taking this personally or "blaming" Herpes for his walking away. It just called him out on his true intentions.

 

This will be a great addition to our discussions for people who are suffering after an "unsuccessful" disclosure to help them see that in fact, the disclosure did exactly the right thing ... weeded out someone FAR faster and before they were completely invested in a relationship .... so thank you for this!

 

(((HUGS)))

[11NatureGirl11]

@mazedaze

Wow, thank you for sharing! I cried as I read your post. I have BEEN there! You are so strong... And so wise to realize he isn't the one, and to know that pain may still be in your future, but, still putting yourself out there, and being vulnerable, and honest, and YOU!

 

@WCSDancer

Wow... Thank you for your response! I have NEVER thought of H being a GOOD way to weed out the guys who just aren't there for the right reasons. WOW! What a paradigm shift in my mind!

[whymegirl]

Exactly how my first disclosure went. I'm so sorry it's heartbreaking. I sobbed like all night when I got let down gently.. At least you got the courtesy of getting it in person. I got text... awwwwesome.. ANyways. it's so true, It's unfortunate that you need to get hurt so bad to realise what a godsend it is.. but its so true. At least now you're not wasting time with a guy that views you as something good right now... maybe not later though.

 

Good luck with your tall dark and handsome!

[whymegirl]

my eyes were also a tad foggy while reading.. just because I can relate so exactly.

[mmy]

This is kinda of the way it went for me but with a twist. The guy I was dating was being pushy about having sex after only 3 dates. saying things like "you think I am not going to call you anymore if we have sex" and "I have had sex with girls on the first date and still dated them afterwards" I was so turned off by him and his comments that I knew in my heart this was not the guy for me. If I would have dated this guy 2 years ago or even 1 year ago, I would have slept with him on the 3rd date to later find out he was a total jerk. holding out not only because of herpes but because I felt like I wanted to get to know him a little better, was the best decision I had made. after his lecture about sex and how he needs to have it, I pulled out my phone and shared a letter I had written for him. In the letter I am disclosing my herpes and the facts and statistics on it. he was taken back and said "Oh I see". It was the first time I was sharing my story with a guy after 5 months of being diagnosed with herpes. It was the best feeling in the world. I felt no emotion and I was rational the whole time. It was like ripping off a bandage. I finally understood why something like this can change your life, but for the good. to remove those guys that are only interested in sex. I value myself now more then ever before and I am so grateful I found out about this jerk sooner then later. Growing up I never believed that I would meet a great guy. so when I first found out about my herpes I thought it would be more of a reason to never meet someone. it is actually the opposite, I trust myself more now and I listen to my heart. I know that one day I will find my prince charming.

[WCSDancer2010]

@mmy

 

Good for you!!!! Like I say, Herpes makes a great Wingman.....

 

Soooo tired of guys trying the "I need sex" talk ... fine - go pay for it. I had a guy try to tell me "You don't buy the cow without trying the milk" once. I told him to take me home. I was 16 at the time .... Asshole ..... X(

 

And yes, you WILL find your Prince Charming :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[CityofAngels]

Hello mazedaze818,

 

I recently read your story with interest and regret. I wanted to add my opinion because I am in a similar situation: I am negative for both strands of herpes, although a woman I was dating recently disclosed to me.

 

I interpret the events of your experience somewhat differently from others who have commented on this thread. While I fully understand that everyone who has commented is well-intended, I do believe that certain comments contain rationalizations of your then-partner's reaction that are not quite accurate.

 

You wrote:

 

"We made plans for him to stay the weekend and I asked him over with the plan to have a sit down discussion, I couldn't put it off any longer. He showed up I was crazy nervous and decided to wait a bit before we talked about it...in the event that his reaction was negative, I wanted to enjoy being with him in that blissful ignorance for just a little longer. The night was great, I felt super connected to him, we talked about him not wanting me to date anyone else, we cuddled under a blanket outside and looked at the stars...essentially it was one of the most romantic nights I've ever had."

 

To me, this suggests that there is no question that the gentleman you were dating was interested in you romantically, and not "just" sexually. You talk about moments of remarkable shared intimacy, "super" connections, and also, the fact that he did not want you to date anyone else. It was one of your most romantic nights, and I believe that, contrary to what he later told you, it was similarly romantic and intimate for him as well.

 

What I believe is this: the man did genuinely want a romantic relationship with you, but ultimately chose not to get involved because he did not want to put his health at risk by risking acquiring genital herpes. I believe he felt guilty about his decision, and to put the best face on things, he said that he "only" wanted a sexual relationship with you. I believe he did this to make you feel better about the fact that he no longer wished to pursue a relationship.

 

While I understand his reasoning, I also feel that he undercut his credibility by approaching the conversation with you in this manner. To me, it seems highly improbable that you could have experienced the intimate moments you did experience with him, while also not getting a sense that you were both on the same emotional "wavelength." Being a man, I feel that it is generally apparent when a man "only" wants a sexual relationship, as opposed to a romantic relationship. Either he was acting the entire time, or he genuinely wanted these things as well. I believe the latter is the correct interpretation.

 

I also recently refused to pursue a relationship with a woman who disclosed to me. Contrary to what others are suggesting on this thread, it was not because I "just" wanted sex with her. I made an all-things-considered judgment that my health was too valuable to me to risk in an active sexual relationship with my then-partner. Indeed, I could not rationalize deliberately and knowingly putting my health at risk in such a situation. I am a very healthy 35 year-old. I am physically fit, and I exercise as well. I am very proud of my health, and I similarly wish to be with someone who is healthy. What your then-partner failed to realize is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone healthy, someone who does not have a communicable sexually transmitted infection. To be sure, having herpes does not make one "dirty," or "tainted." Far from it. People with herpes are and can be just as attractive, if not more so, than they were prior to their infection. It is just that, for those who do not wish to risk acquiring this condition, that decision is completely normal, rational, and acceptable. I think it is unfortunate that some on this website feel that they need to impugn the motives of those of us who refuse to get involved with someone who has herpes. Speaking for myself, I was not interested in just "hooking up" with my then-partner (I loathe that phrase). I wanted a relationship with her. Yet I also wanted to be as healthy as I always was. The risk of acquiring genital herpes was not worth it to me. This is difficult to hear, no doubt, but I believe that in order to attain the most well-rounded perspective, individuals need to hear it.

 

Also, I feel that there is nothing "wrong" with "just" wanting a sexual relationship with another person. If two people are honest and clear about their intentions with each other, than engaging in a relationship "just" for sex is normal and natural. Not everyone who wishes to have sex wants to be in a serious, long-term, committed relationship all of the time. Sometimes we just have physical needs and urges that need to be satisfied. I believe that some on this website condemn this need because they mistakenly believe that having genital herpes boxes them into a corner: they must either have a serious, long-term intimate relationship, or no relationship at all. I believe this to be in error. I believe that for one who is confident and at peace with his/her diagnosis, a primarily sexual relationship is definitely still an option. Yes, disclosure demands a level of intimacy and vulnerability that is usually reserved for more serious relationships. But it doesn't have to be. If handled deftly, disclosure can be simply one guidepost on the road to an otherwise normal, contented sexual relationship.

 

I am sure I will receive a lot of criticism for my views, but I believe these things needed to be said. I wish you and others on this forum well.

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hi @CityofAngels,

 

Thank you for your comments and for taking the time to provide your perspective. I don't think people will criticize you for speaking your truth. You are right that everyone should have a choice in the matter, and it's ok to walk away from a situation or potential relationship because you don't want to assume any risk. The same applies to those who walk away from potential relationships because they don't want to date someone who smokes or who has kids, etc.

 

I am huge fan of just being honest, in every situation, no matter the potential outcome or how badly it might hurt someone. You really can't go wrong with honesty. So, if this guy was in fact not wanting to assume any risk, he should have said so... but we can't know for certain. Ultimately, whatever reason is or is not provided, and whether it is based on an educated decision or the reality of society's stigma, most people's decision to walk away will be based on not wanting to contract herpes, and that's ok.

 

Where the beauty lies here in her disclosure, giving him the choice. A lot of people here were never given that choice... She went into the disclosure knowing that there were two possible outcomes; anyone preparing for a disclosure knows that. But in the grand scheme of things, this was a success, for both people, reasons or no reasons. Like you, he didn't not want to assume the risk, and he was able to make a conscious decision about it. For her, or anyone with herpes, she found out that he was not the right person, early enough that it didn't completely destroy her. You want to be with someone who won't put your clean-bill of health at risk, and I (like most others here) want to be with someone who can accept me completely, knowing that everything else I have to offer is worth the risk.

 

I consider myself a very healthy person as well, and that has always been important to me and still is part of what I look for in someone else. Generally speaking though, health is sometimes out of our control. You can be the most healthy person and still somehow find yourself very ill, fighting a terminal illness, dealing with an incurable disease or coping with a debilitating injury. I, for one, want to know that whoever is by side is going to be strong enough to carry me through, or vice-versa. Having herpes is not a big deal in the grand scheme of life.

 

As @inka said, thanks for being respectful, taking the time to educate yourself and contributing on this forum. It's always refreshing to see the other side of the coin. Your intentions here were good, and it's obvious that you are an honest and compassionate person. I just hope you don't miss out on an amazing person and potentially life-altering relationship out of fear for what ifs. I guess everything that is meant to be will be.

[WCSDancer2010]

You want to be with someone who won't put your clean-bill of health at risk, and I (like most others here) want to be with someone who can accept me completely, knowing that everything else I have to offer is worth the risk.

 

I consider myself a very healthy person as well, and that has always been important to me and still is part of what I look for in someone else. Generally speaking though, health is sometimes out of our control. You can be the most healthy person and still somehow find yourself very ill, fighting a terminal illness, dealing with an incurable disease or coping with a debilitating injury. I, for one, want to know that whoever is by side is going to be strong enough to carry me through, or vice-versa. Having herpes is not a big deal in the grand scheme of life.

 

As @inka said, thanks for being respectful, taking the time to educate yourself and contributing on this forum. It's always refreshing to see the other side of the coin. Your intentions here were good, and it's obvious that you are an honest and compassionate person. I just hope you don't miss out on an amazing person and potentially life-altering relationship out of fear for what ifs. I guess everything that is meant to be will be.

 

Well put @Beautiful ;)

 

The only thing I take issue with (like @inka) is your comment:

 

I am a very healthy 35 year-old. I am physically fit, and I exercise as well. I am very proud of my health, and I similarly wish to be with someone who is healthy.

 

Words are powerful ... and to say you wish to be with "someone who is healthy" implies that we ARE diseased and broken in some way. I am sure you didn't mean it that way, so I'm not throwing stones at you ... I just hope that you will find a more sensitive and compassionate way of saying something like this in the future.

 

I am incredibly "healthy"... yes, I carry about 20 post menopausal pounds, but otherwise I am a Swing Dancer (and will dance you under the table any night, I can promise you! We often dance from midnight till the sun comes up after a day of competing every night of our 3 day conventions!), 53 yrs old, love hiking, I very very rarely get colds or flu, don't suffer from allergies, and my OB's are so few and far between and so minor that to say they are a blip on my radar is an understatement. Yes, I carry a virus around with me, but it has really no affect on my "health". If anything, it TELLS me when I need to look after myself ... it's an amazing "First Responder" when I am getting exhausted from trying to do too much ;)

 

Perhaps a more honest way to say it is you want to be with someone who doesn't carry an STD. Lets just call a thing a thing! It's ok! You don't want to take a <5% risk getting something that *could* cause you pain and that you would carry for life. There is nothing wrong with that ... I don't want to take the 0.0075:1000 risk of death from jumping out of an airplane with a sheet over my head. I DO get in my car every day knowing I have a 2% chance of dying in my lifetime of driving. We are all entitled to make these choices and there is nothing wrong with that at all. Your body, your life, your choice. :)

 

Perhaps @MazeDaze's gentleman DID want a relationship .... I'm personally guessing he *thought* he wanted a relationship and then realized either that SHE wasn't the one he wanted that with, or that he just plain wasn't ready. As I mentioned in my response, I've had 2 guys who I met online, both claimed they wanted a relationship ... both HAD SEX with me after disclosure several times ... but the reality of the situation is that the intimacy scared the crap out of them once we got physical. Turns out both were relatively recently out of relationships and once they were vulnerable and open to the possibilities of a longer term commitment, they both withdrew ... one ended up in therapy because he realized he was actually much more traumatically affected by the previous relationship than he realized (or showed) at the time... and a YEAR later he is still not dating because he is still working on his issues. So it is entirely possible that this gentleman *thought* he was ready, but when the rubber (so to speak) hit the road, he realized he was not looking/ready for what she was looking for ;)

 

We humans are complex beings and the ability to think, to rationalize, to put words to our fears, to justify, and so many other things that make us "advanced" creatures creates a whole world where we live because of the "reasons" that we create to do, or not do, something.

 

As this saying goes:

 

The consequences of our actions are so complicated, so diverse, that predicting the future is a very difficult business indeed

 

You *may* have just walked away from the love of your life, or not.

 

If you stayed, you *may* have got H from her, or not.

 

You *may* still get Herpes from someone who says/believes they are H- ... or not.

 

AND, only time will determine the outcome of your choice..... but we can't live our life trying to out-guess the consequences of our decisions ... we just have to try to figure out what is right for US, choose the action that is right for us, and live with the consequences.... there is no other option except to exist in a paralyzed state, and that isn't LIVING ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

 

 

 

[Newlook2013]

@ Dancer, positivelyBeautiful and inka: Soo powerful and true.....

 

@CityofAngels: you tried to be honest with ur view from the other side of life.

 

its really a delicate issue but I believe its ok if u approach things with honesty( not the lies that tries to make someone feel good) while u make vary sure that the other person finally understand ur decision without getting hurt.

 

life is indeed complex and full of uncertainties and there is risk in everything we do.

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Just wanted to add this lovely little quote to this discussion:

 

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

[CityofAngels]

Thank you all for the insightful comments. I was pleased to see that so many respected my views on this matter.

 

To the woman who calls herself "WCSDancer2010":

 

Thank you for your comments. I regret if my use of the term "healthy" caused any offense. While I do view sexual health as an important and essential component of my overall definition of "healthy," I do not thereby wish to imply those with genital herpes cannot thereby be healthy in any substantial and significant sense of the term.

 

I can and do rest assured that I made the "right" decision concerning the pursuit of a relationship with the woman in question. Speaking personally, I know when a decision I have made is "right" when it arises out of a standpoint of calm, considered, rational reflection that is neither dominated by nor a reaction to anger, sadness, or hurt, or any other powerful emotion that might unduly sway my thinking.

 

I also believe that most issues concerning our health are within our own purview and power. I tend to view such decisions as a series of choices that we either make consciously or default on making. Taken singly and jointly, these decisions have the power to determine the long-term trajectory of our mental and physical health. Yes, there is certainly a probability that an otherwise healthy individual will be stricken with cancer, Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease, or what have you. Many times, however, these outcomes are the result of a cumulative series of habits, practices, actions, and decisions whose weight and significance grow over time by accretion. While I may develop any of these and other debilitating conditions months or years from now, I can rest content that I am doing everything I can to minimize the risk that such a scenario might actually be realized. I am pleased to see that so many on this forum are similarly conscientious about their health and well-being.

 

To the individual who calls himself or herself "Newlook2013":

 

Yes, I fully agree the gentleman in question did a great disservice not only to his then-partner, but to himself as well. To me, he was operating under the misconception that his reason for not pursuing a relationship with "mazedaze818 " was illegitimate, or, shall we say, less than commendable. It is that proposition that I categorically reject. He would have done a greater service to himself and to his then-partner by being honest. Yes, his rationale would have been more hurtful to "mazedaze818," but I'm sure she would have at least appreciated his honestly. In addition, he could also rest content knowing that he had been honest and that there was nothing "wrong" with the decision he choose to make. Based on her posting, I believe that "mazedaze818" is certainly honest enough to have assured him of this. Alas, perhaps approaching the issue in this manner required greater insight into his own conduct, and emotional maturity, than he could muster, as "WCSDancer2010" implies. Only time will determine whether he is able to grow sufficiently to embrace a different view.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

I regret if my use of the term "healthy" caused any offense.

 

No harm, no foul ... I wrote my reply not just for you, but for anyone who may discuss these things in the future..... again, words are powerful and I try to be very careful about what words I use when I am trying to make a point ..... and within the context of this forum, I am especially sensitive to any words that may "confirm" to someone who is struggling with their diagnosis that they are now "unhealthy, dirty, disgusting," or whatever.... OR, more importantly, their fear that they will be VIEWED as such by someone who is H- .... as opposed to the person just making a choice to not want to take the risk of getting HSV.

 

You are most certainly entitled to the choice you made and I honor that. I choose to not date Smokers because waking up at 4am and hearing them hacking out half a lung is not my idea of a good time. I got into a relationship with a man who hid his smoking habit (the smoked a brand that really didn't leave a nasty smell, didn't smoke where it would get on his clothes ...ie, outside .... and didn't smoke before we got together) ... until we were an "item" .... by that time I was somewhat invested and chose to stay and I totally regretted it. We are entitled to our personal boundaries around these things .... and I appreciate your contribution here as a H- member. ;)