how do I feel beautiful again ?

[rainyday5249]

I am a girl who loves makeup.. I have long wavy hair... tried to stay tan but do to my resent discovery due to havin my first HORRIBLE ob.. i havent been back to the tanning bed or for a spray tan......my ob was extremely painful i cldnt hardly walk.. cldnt go to bathroom without screamin and cryin... cldnt wear panties...cldnt do anything really (I'm pretty much healed now) but I loved some winged eyeliner and mascara ... some blush and nice earrings... I loved gettin up and tryin to look hot wen my man got home ( been living together for about a month or two) but since I got my news yesterday I dnt feel pretty or attractive or beautiful. I dont feel like puttin on my makeup or tryin to look nice... i feel like cryin my eyes out like i did all day yesterday.. i feel like pickin up a cigarette wen i havent touched one goin on 2 weeks... help please...:(

[HerryTheHerp]

Well, I don't wear make-up and haven't ever worn panties and I still feel beautiful.

 

Getting the news is one of the biggest blows your ego will ever face. Know how you counter it? By not letting it get you down. You're still the same person you were yesterday, and this doesn't change that. Get dressed up. Put the make-up on. Put those earings in. Smile. Smile through your tears and eventually you'll see just how beautiful you truly are.

 

And, as a soon to be former smoker myself, don't pick up that cigarette. It's real easy to do, and when you do it you will fall right back in to the old habit.

[rainyday5249]

Thank u very much... i guess i take it one day at a time... jus feels like a rock fell on top of me...

[Jenn2323]

I feel just like you . But I am alone . Either an ex or a one night gave it to me . I was in a really low place and started dating two guys . And well I guess I'll be dating 2 ppl for the rest of my life . Herpes and who ever I find . It suck because I am the same . I have tons of clothes and make up and friends . I quit cigs a year ago . I want one sooooo bad now . I know it's the stress but jeesh If I ever had a monkey on my back it's now . I smoke weed. I have since I was 13 and I'm 21 . I don't recommend it but it's the only thing that helps me now. I haven't wore earrings make up or did my eyebrows in a week . I look how I feel and it sucks . I woke up this morning trying to do better trying to feel better but it's the same . If you want to talk I'm here I'm a newbie too . I'm crying as I type . I hear there's hope . Maybe we can help each other or Atleast try.

 

[jded_jada]

I completely understand where you ladies are coming from... but I seem to have the opposite reaction. I'm really not a fan of makeup; usually some eyeliner and lip gloss is all I do but every since I've found out I see my natural state as me being vunerable. I've got to compensate overtime now bc i definitely dont feel as beautiful as I used to. Yes I know deep down nothing has changed physically but recently my friend bought it to my attention that she sees a change in me looking at mirror constantly checking my makeup for inconsistencies....my ego, self esteem whatever has def taken a blow since I've found out n this particular friend doesnt know im H+.

[Jenn2323]

I guess herpes does more on the mind than anything . I just want to feel loved and I don't think I ever will unless I find a h+ man . I guess that's what we have left . I'm young and any man I meet is sure to run when I tell them . I don't want to keep having sex with out love and I made that decision before I found out . But I guess I'm too late . And nobody knows I am . I refuse to let anyone know . I can't bear them looking at me in disgust . I feel so alone. This group is all I have for hope right now

[rainyday5249]

Thats what i feel... im so scared to tell any of my friends because i dnt want there pity and then the remark as soon as i walk away oh thank gosh i dnt have tht ...i wanna be looked at for me.. who i am.. not what i have and wen i look in the mirror now all i see is the word herpes written on my forehead... as i watch tv i see these beautiful women and say i bet they dnt have herpes... it feels like ive died inside... this group definetly helps... i have felt like cryin all day im surprised i havent... jus dnt wanna cry anymore... i have anxiety and depression.. i have had it ever since my dad got cancer which he is cancer free now but ive never been the same since then and to find out this is jus makin it all so much worse. I feel like i have no one besides yall. My family knows and the guy im with but thats it.. im to scared to even tell past partners .. im young (20) but unfortunately i chose to use sex to relieve the issues i had in my life.. i have had more sexual partners than i shld at my age and im sure im paying for it now.. but what really breaks my heart is yes im young but i was trying to have a baby.. and now im so scared for anything... i keep thinking how in the world am i gonna be able to make love again let alone make a child... im so scared i feel like i cant breathe.. all i wanted to do was have a family and be a loving wife someday.. and if it doesnt workout with the guy im with now im sure ill be alone from here on out... my boyfriend is going to get tested to see if he has it to since i found out yesterday i do.... gosh this feels like the end of the world

[rainyday5249]

And jenn2323 id love for us to help each other on this rollercoaster ride. Im here for u we can cry together

[DecievedAndDealing]

I think the best way to give my advice is to start with my story.

I'm 22 and found out just over 2 weeks ago that I have Herpes. I'm still healing from my first outbreak which began almost a month ago. It's probably the most physical pain I've ever experienced. I have always engaged in safe sex and been as careful as possible. The first time I ever had sex without a condom was when I was raped last July. I know I got herpes from my last boyfriend who claims he didn't know but based on his reaction when I called him and his history of lying I honestly think he knew. That's probably one of the hardest things for me to accept.

I have told both of my parents, my best friend, my personal trainer, and 2 of my coworkers. Here is what I've learned:

-Men lie. Women lie. People lie. Trust needs to be given sparingly.

-My mom has herpes. She found out when she was pregnant with my brother which is why she had a C section for us both. She has no idea when or who she got it from because she was married when she found out. However this shows me that kids are possible for me in the future in spite of having herpes.

-People don't judge you the way you judge yourself. My best friend works at Zoomcare and her reaction was sympathetic but she said she sees it all the time. She was more concerned about me emotionally because herpes really isn't that big of a deal medically.

-My personal trainer got genital warts from her high school sweetheart when she was 17 and has been happily married (not to her high school sweetheart) for about 10 years. She said it almost helped her in a way because it weeded out the guys with bad intentions.

 

You don't feel beautiful now and I understand that completely. After I was raped I felt disgusting and dirty, I felt like it was my fault, I stopped wearing make up and started putting no effort into my clothing, I rarely smiled and I didn't think I'd ever feel beautiful, worthy of love, or sexy again. The mere thought of wanting to be sexy made me feel guilty. I also never thought I'd have sex again, but guess what? Time heals all wounds. I'm still dealing with my rape understandably and have made the brave decision to start therapy this summer (herpes pushed me to this decision). But I can honestly say I've felt beautiful, I've felt sexy, I've felt like a great catch, and I even met a guy that understood what I went through and helped me rejoin the world of sexual activity at my own pace. He also gave me herpes...and I don't like him much for many reasons now but I will forever be thankful that he came into my life for the mere fact that he showed me that rape doesn't make me undateable or undesirable.

Because of all of this, I know that you ladies will make it through this and not only feel beautiful again but also meet a guy that loves you in spite of the fact that you have herpes.

I fear having to disclose the fact that I have herpes as well as the fact that I was raped to my future sexual partners but I believe that it will stop my streak of guys with all the wrong intentions. Love means loving everything about someone, including the things they may think or you may think are "unlovable". I don't want conditional love I want unconditional love and if I meet someone that accepts the two things I consider my biggest "flaws" then I'm already steps ahead of other relationships.

Here's something else I've learned, someone on here posted a ted talk given on herpes and it changed my life. I will have to see if I can track it down and post it for you. The gist of it was that secrets are always bigger to you then to others. Not only that but the things we keep a secret and let ourselves be ashamed of poison us. When you tell someone you have herpes they wont feel like it's as big of a deal as you do. We build up these fears and judgements within ourselves and it does nothing but hurt us. Since watching this video I decided I'm not going to let herpes be a big deal or a secret I carry. It's common, it happens to many people, it happened to me and it's time to accept it and move on.

You are still the beautiful girls you started as. You may not believe me now but I promise one day you'll wake up and realize herpes doesn't define you. It's an occasional painful skin rash in an inconvenient place. That's it. It doesn't effect what makes you beautiful and if you think outer beauty is all you have to offer I would encourage you to spend some time finding and realizing your inner beauty because it sounds cliche but inner beauty is what really matters. You don't fall in love with bodies you fall in love with people, just make sure you fall in love with yourself first.

 

I know this is a long post but I hope at least one thing in it helped. You're a lot stronger then you think you are I promise and after all this you might surprise yourself by feeling more beautiful then ever.

 

XOXO

[rainyday5249]

Deceived and dealing„ i want to thank u for sharing your story ... that truely blessed me and inspired me. Your an amazing person. I kno this is gonna be hard for me and others to get thru but with people like u and this site it gets easier.. i found this site while googling info abt herpes and im so thankful i did.. in the moment they told me i was h+ i felt completely alone.. but this site makes me feel like i have a whole family of people goin thru the same thang... Thank u for your support. Its much needed right now.

[Jenn2323]

Any time @rainyday5249 i pray everyday . That it will go dormant , that it won't ever bother me ( (since I've only ever Developed a slight rash/irritation) I pray it's a dream . But I can't help but only sleep for 3 hour intervals. I'm keeping you in my prayers rainy , I may not know your real name but I kno everything your going threw now all this pain . I just wish I had the courage to confront the guy who lied . But in due time right ? @herrytheherp your awesome and thank you , your kind words heal . And I think about them when I feel low. They are helping me deal with all this. && @decivedanddealing. Thank you for saying this . Be

Info that your. Still a newbie as well is giving me hope . Hope that in 2 minors this will blow over. . Hope that I can maybe open up to a friend Orr my mom . As of right now they only ppl I be talked to are the amazing ppl on this forum . You all matter so much to me right now . I re read everything over. And soak it all in . I could never not disclose . I just don't kno how I'm going to . I just have to give it time I guess. Let it all heal .

[Jenn2323]

Being * months*

[rainyday5249]

I havent disclosed to any past partners.. one reason is im terrified and the sencond is (shamefully) there are to many to go back thru. It would mortify me to do that... i dnt want anyone knowin right now.. but ive seriously thought abt tellin one of my friends today but the thang with girls is yea your so close and u keep secrets but then u have a stupid arguement over clothes or something and then they feel the need to go spill those secrets.. which disgusts me.. i have had friends tht told me something close and deep and then we end up hatin each other and i wld never tell super personal stuff no matter how bad they hurt me or watever... but i wanna tell someone... tht i can trust.. jus dnt kno if i can. Thank gosh i have yall !!

[Jenn2323]

Exactly sometimes girls are cruel and my thoughts exactly . I tell my BFF everything. What ever I hear it goes to her and only her . It's horrible I know the gossip but it's just us , now I feel if I tell her she'll tell her mom and I love them both toooo much to have them look at me in disgust . I've dropped little hints about stds to see how she reacts and she was disgusted cause she thinks her cousin might have aids cause she is showing all the signs but we kno she has hpv so I said that was probably it and it's not that serious and if it was herpes that it is controllable and not that serious but she said she still didn't want to use her bathroom. It's ignorant yes but she has a low immune system and get sick reallllll easily . So I understand why and I told her it's only passed on thru skin to skin contact , she said yea but I wanna be safe . She still loves her cousin and I do too . We are all close , but I just don't want her to look at me like that , even tho I know she'll accept me in the end , it's just I can't help but feel like a leaper . Needless to say that you and everyone else on this forum have helped me more than god knows and is keeping me from suicidal thoughts , all the positivity on this site ( no pun intended ) lol keeps me going and I've taken a few days off work to mentally heal. And physically ( which in my case is about done even tho my symptoms was minor ) I feel pretty much the same , oh and I did my eyebrows today lol I'm usually soooo strict with them and for the past week in a half I let myself goooo to the point that my co worker noticed and asked what's wrong , I lied of course but she knows somthings up . Still it feels better to lie then to face reality right now and I'm okay with that I guess . I wish I would have appreciated the little things I took for granted my whole life before now , but I am learning that this is why some of us get h into our lives . To heal and to show us the little things . I guess this is my greatest lesson of all . Oh and I'm glad your in USA I'm from Massachusetts , far from you but that's ok , I hope to hear from you about what happend with your BFF , I pray all goes well in any decision yu make , I wouldn't blame you for waiting a little while , as young women we know how we are like you said . Ppl can be cruel and is be damned if inlet someone make me feel worse than I've allready made myself feel . But peace , love and hope sent to you rainy !!!! All the way from up north

[rainyday5249]

Yes h definetly made me start thinkin abt all the little things i shldve cherished... but i still can jus differently now..the thing im havin trouble with is wen it comes time for me and my bf to become intimate again how am i gonna do it... i used to feel extremely sexy hell i even have lingerie ( fishnets and all ) haha but i had no problem feelin like i was doin great in the bedroom... and now i jus wanna cover ever inch of my body and i dnt feel like he will still go wild wen were intimate like that... he hasnt done anything to make me feel this way but i do anyways... i dnt kno i jus feel like all he is gonna thank abt is thw fact i have h... but he still aint got tested yet and if he is h+ then i wont feel so selfconscious but if he isnt h+ then he is gonna be thinkin the whole time oh please dnt catch it please dnt catch it... and idk what im suppose to do... havin h doesnt feel very sexy at all... so idk what is gonna happen... jus wait and see...and peace love and hope to u to jenn from down south :)

[Sparklepony]

Give yourself some time, it's only been a few days since your diagnosis. Adjusting can take awhile. It's a huge blow to your self esteem to be told you have herpes. You're probably feeling like you will never feel normal again, but you will. We put a lot of our self worth in how others will perceive us, and herpes itself isn't necessarily attractive (there is NOTHING attractive about those sores....) thankfully though, we are NOT herpes. We are the same people as before being diagnosed. It's the same as when you get the flu or a really bad cold. Are you suddenly a completely different person? No. Colds and the flu don't have an "unattractive" stigma to them though.

 

What helped me was to remember that it wasn't broadcasted on my forehead. The only people who know are the people I have chose to tell. I've been trying to take better care of my body and as a result my skin looks better and my (small) abs are starting to show again!! I decided to get all new skin care stuff, and some skirts for summer since the looser material can help combat outbreaks. I think I have MORE confidence now then I did two months ago.

 

Be gentle with yourself, let yourself go through the process of accepting. Hugs.

[rainyday5249]

Thank u... ive wore skirts the past 2 days they r down to my ankles though lol... im feelin better than i did 2 days ago.. i fixed my hair put on my makeup and decided i wasnt gonna ponder on the word herpes today like i have been

[Sparklepony]

Maxi dresses and skirts are where it's at. I've been wearing them a lot lately. Basically crotch-less yoga pants.

[DecievedAndDealing]

@rainyday5249 and @Jen2323 I'm glad to help in even the smallest way. I was thinking this morning about how herpes has changed my life in the last month and this is what came to mind:

- I've decided to seek support for my emotional stress needs and work on myself over the summer

- I've lost 5lbs

- I was already health conscious but I've taken that to a whole new level

- I've made getting enough sleep and managing my stress level a priority

- I've decided to be selfish and focus on what I need to do to be successful and be who I want to be instead of constantly going out of my way to please everyone

- I finally bought a maxi dress!

 

You'll notice that all of these are positive things. You'll have a list like this one day. Focus on the positives. Herpes is not a death sentence, it could be argued to be a health sentence. If we keep ourselves healthy we may never see herpes again. Remember that.

I think your beautiful!

XOXO

 

[Jenn2323]

I swear you all are awesome and inspiring in many ways !! Thank you @rainy and I'm glad to hear that your feeling better !!! So am I !! I'm dealing and healing !!! And @sparklepony. I can't wait for it to be nice out and wear some maxim dresses , like too excited. !!! And @decicedanddealing you are beautiful !!! We all are , excuse my language but. Fuck this virus !! I'm over it . I guess this is my lesson and as soon as I feel completely healed. , I'm not turning back . I've decided out of sight out of mind , well out of mind out of sight . Lol I'm glad it's not aids , I'm lucky I can still have children and I feel this has steered me down my career path into medicine . I want to start as a pharmacologist and work my way up to a microbiologist or even start as a high school biology teacher and work my way up . I want to help find us all a cure , and after finding out that hsv is a main contributor to alhiemerz and dementia , I want to help Atleast for all of us to not have to go thru that as well( I think herpes has done enough to us allready, the prick) anyways lady's I'm starting to see my sunshine after all this rain . Holding on to hope and sending love and blessings to yu all !!

[rainyday5249]

Im soooo glad to see u write tht jenn !!! Yall r so beautiful and inspiring... i love u all and ive never met u... i told my friend and she said she still loves me and it doesnt make her look at me differently and she thanked me for tellin her cuz she said it made her wake up to how easy she cld get it and made her conscious abt herpes... thanks to u guys i am smiling thru all this today has been an amazing day.. and me and my bf jus had a heart to heart and he assured me he isnt goin anywhere and doesnt want me to leave.. he hasnt been tested yet so he doesnt kno of he is h+ or not yet he still wants me.. and he made me feel like he still wants me sexually too which is one thing i was concerned abt earlier.. he is amazing and i pray this works out but im so thankful for all u beautiful ppl and my family friends and boyfriend... i cnt believe how happy i feel right now even though i am h+ ...

love to all u guys !!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

ok girls.. gonna pick a few things out that I picked up and comment on how I see things after 35+ years with our Herpester friend:

 

@rainy

 

as i watch tv i see these beautiful women and say i bet they dnt have herpes..

 

You'd be surprised. Next time you go out in a public area, I want you to guess which folks have H. Remember that1 in 5 have H2 and 4 out of 5 have H1. I can tell you that if you guessed then tested them all you'd likely be waaaayyy off ... H has nothing to do with beauty, brains, or social standing ... it's an equal opportunity lover ... check this link out to get an idea of how many famous people have at least one of them.... and believe me, there are a lot more and who are hiding it from the world just like you and many others on here

 

http://herpeslife.com/celebrities-with-herpes/

 

. i have had more sexual partners than i shld at my age and im sure im paying for it now..

 

this isn't about punishment ... honey, I got it on my first sexual encounter ... I was 17, flattered that an older guy was interested in me ... but when my mother found out about him he disappeared and it was years later that I realized that the "heat rash" that I had soon after was herpes. Do I feel like I'm being punished for that....no. I was young and dumb looking for validation, that's all.....

 

i was trying to have a baby.. and now im so scared for anything... i keep thinking how in the world am i gonna be able to make love again let alone make a child... im so scared i feel like i cant breathe.. all i wanted to do was have a family and be a loving wife someday.. and if it doesnt workout with the guy im with now im sure ill be alone from here on out...

 

And you can STILL have a baby - I had 2 - and you CAN have the baby vaginally ...and whether it's with this guy or someone else, you CAN have mind-blowing sex... promise ;)

 

@DecievedAndDealing

 

Thank you for your story -

 

There are sooo many things that can happen to us to make us feel unlovable ... and Rape is probably at the top of the list ... so good for you for breaking through that challenge ....

 

The Closet links are below - the video is powerful as is the Ash Beckham Upworthy link

 

http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible Ash Beckhams Closet Ted Talk

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/im-out-of-the-herpes-closet

http://herpeslife.com/closets-are-hangers/#more-2265 Carlos

Kirsty Spraggon Ted Talk “You are only as Sick as Your Secrets

 

@Jenn

 

Sorry your friend is so mis-informed ... but maybe, once you are in a better place, you can educate her.... not now, but one day..... I find the more people I help and educate, the more I am freed from any lingering stigma I may feel (yeah even *I* have my moments ;) )

 

It doesn't matter how we got this virus, what matters is how we take the situation and what we do about it in the future that matters. But it takes time to adjust to your new reality (and I say YOUR new reality because your real friends will love you no matter what and it won't change anything for them about you) .... you have to go through the 5 stages of healing and it's a process ... so just accept that, let it happen, and know that in the end you WILL be ok, you CAN find love.

 

http://herpeslife.com/no-one-will-love-me-since-i-have-herpes-and-other-fascinating-untruths-we-tell-ourselves

 

(((HUGS)))

[rainyday5249]

Dancer thank u so much for those statements... u have a way of knowin exactly wat we need to hear lol im feel blessed now more than ever believe it or not... i cld have somethin much worse... the cloud slowly is liftin and im startin to think more positively abt all this thanks to yall... thank u so much

[Aurora_Mae]

I get how you feel, I also just found out last Tuesday I have herpes, and had to go to a stagette on Saturday.... With ally beautiful girlfriends, while I felt like a dirty scumbag. I kept looking around all these people at the club thinking "I'm the one they need to be afraid of" "I'm the reason you squat over a toilet at the nightclub and don't sit down to pee" it was horrible.... I don't know how I'll ever feel pretty or loved again.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Aurora_Mae

 

With ally beautiful girlfriends, while I felt like a dirty scumbag. I kept looking around all these people at the club thinking "I'm the one they need to be afraid of" "I'm the reason you squat over a toilet at the nightclub and don't sit down to pee" it was horrible.... I don't know how I'll ever feel pretty or loved again.

 

You are sooooo wrong. How many "beautiful" women were there? Lets just say, for arguments sake, 20. Out of those 20, you and FOUR OTHERS likely had Herpes. Can you tell me which other 4 all the rest need to "be afraid of"? You might be very, very surprised at which ones would be the ones who have it.

 

And you MUST get this. I already told you. but I'mma putting it in all caps to make sure you see it. YOU CANNOT SPREAD HERPES ON A TOILET SEAT!

 

I know you are having a hard time believing it, but you are exactly the same person you were before you got H. You are just as beautiful and lovable as you were then. Please keep reading on here and take in what we have to say. With time, you will see. Life goes on and you will be fine. Promise.

 

(((HUGS)))