Is he staying with me out of guilt? That would be devastating

[diversgirl]

So I was diagnosed HSV2 6 weeks ago. My boyfriend unknowingly passed it on to me. I've tried so hard to take it like a champ, but I fail almost daily. This is been a huge change to my life physically, mentally, emotionally. I know I've been tough to deal with. I know I don't smile as much, or laugh as much. I'm not as happy as I was before. I'm fighting for it, trying hard to get back to me and that place/person he fell for but I'm having a tough time. I know it's wearing on him. And now I'm starting to be concerned that he's just staying out of guilt. We had only been together about 4.5 months when I got it, so fairly early into the relationship for such a life change event. Maybe this is too much for a new relationship to handle, I don't know. I don't want it to end, but I don't want to drag him down or have him stay out of guilt either.

 

Should I talk to him? Tell him my concerns? Or put on that happy go lucky face and pretend I'm fine and hope we survive? Help please.

[willow]

Pretending is only good if you have no emotion to how it will turn out in the end.

be honest with ur man, ask him how hes doin with hsv, cuz ur not feeling so great, maybe he has some suggestions?

Let him know honestly how u feel about him, ask for honesty in return.

good luck to you!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

Sorry you are struggling ... but do realize that 6 weeks is a blip on the timeline of your life. The average person lives 4,000 weeks ... so in all reality this is nothing.... but it IS a big chunk of a new relationship...AND, if you survive this, well, then you got a good thing going.

 

So sit him down, let him know that you realize you are putting a lot of pressure on the relationship and that you appreciate his standing by you, and let him know that you are worried he's staying out of guilt. Give him permission to leave if he realizes at any time that he doesn't see the relationship as being workable. If he chooses to stay, you got a keeper and you have to believe he's there for you and allow him to support you.... AND, come on here when you need to talk/vent if you think you are putting too much on him...That's what we are here for :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Aimi]

Yess! Open communication really can only be beneficial. Get everything out in the open & put both of your minds at ease and figure out where to go from there. You will survive this, and like Dancer said- you got a good thing going!

 

We are here for you.

 

Xo.

[diversgirl]

Thank you everyone for your comments and support. I did talk to him, almost verbatim (thank you WCSDancer2010) and he's still here. But things are shakey at best. I need more support from him on this, and he wants to ignore it. Which hurts. It makes me feel so alone. Somehow we need to have a really deep talk and get everything out but I don't know how to get him to do it.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Hmmm - well, perhaps H is showing you how he deals with stress, or scary things. And that likely won't change. Many people shut down rather than face an issue. I personally can't live with someone like that... but that's me. I'm such an open book that it drives me nuts when someone isn't ok with working through something.

 

So perhaps you need to think about whether he is right for YOU? If YOU are staying because you feel you need his support??? Because that isn't any different than his staying out of guilt, you see?

 

Give it another go ... if you get the same reaction (I'm guessing you will) it's time for you to figure out if this relationship is in YOUR best interests in the long run. There's nothing worse than feeling alone when you have a body right there beside you ... it's worse (IMO) than being alone with yourself ....

 

((HUGS))

[diversgirl]

Yes, I need him to check in with me, ask if I'm ok. I need to talk. I need verbal communication. Maybe I am staying because I feel I need his support

 

Good lord you are a wise woman :) Thank you

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Check out The 5 Love Languages ... it's a great book. It sounds like you and your BF may also have different ways of needing and expressing love. It has a very simple test you can both do that helps you to explain to your partner what YOU need to feel loved and cherished..... if this doesn't get through to him it's pretty clear that he's stuck in his ways and you then have to choose whether that is ok with you or not ;)

 

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156%3FSubscriptionId%3D0DK6RX2SNSBPXDSWSNR2%26tag%3Dswing05-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D0802473156

[diversgirl]

Thanks, I will. I don't want this to be the cause of our breakup. I want us to get through this. Together.

[willow]

Tell him those exact words! "I want us to get through this. Together."

Maybe when u do talk to him again, let him know that although you know he has your back, at times you want a little more support, and encouragement, and h shouldnt be so awkward for the 2of you to talk about, maybe ask him if he still has questions about the virus.

its hard to support somone when you dont really know what theyre going thru either mentally or physically.

...just a thought... good luck

[diversgirl]

thanks for all of the help. i think we've crashed and burned :( guess it's now time to try and figure out how to live with h and take care of me.

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm sorry @diversgirl ... but perhaps it's for the best. If he can't/won't give you the kind of support you need, and it's causing you distress, then you just have to admit you are not compatible and move on. And you will come out of this stronger for being made to learn to take care of you.... and we are here for you when you need support. ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[havefaith427]

I was there too love. I found out on our 1 year anniversary. He never knew that he had it or vice versa. We are still unsure who gave it to who. But that really doesn't matter now. He is in the service so I don't see him as much but I saw him the weekend after I was diagnosed and was not myself at all. By the next time I saw him was about 4 weeks later, I was almost back and now after 3 months later I am back and have been back for a while. It takes time but you will come to terms with it. I'm still not very accepting of H but I come to terms with it and know that this is just a bump in the road. But yes talk to him. I talked to my bf over and over and how I was ashamed, embarrassed, sad, etc and he was very supportive of it all! Good luck sweetie!!!