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It's my turn down the self loathing road...

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I'll warn some now this has nothing to do with Herpes and it most likely read as a ramble. It has to do with the other common std HPV. I'm at a loss me and my lady friend enjoy our time together our activities but it's tearing me up inside... She sobs in the middle of the night for a single reason "We can never be intimate" She then blames herself that she is fat or ugly and no matter how much I tell her that simply is untrue she still tells herself that. She has been my rock through this entire experience I found out I had HPV while dating her. She isn't the most emotionally stable person in the world and many times have I been the strong one stomach in my own personal anxiety and fear while consoling hers. She does what many do and ignores the issue but when it comes up it really comes up... What really sank an emotional blade in my chest is when she let her lips slip "I'm afraid you infected me with something I have no insurance and no way to deal with it" now I know she didn't mean what she said on that context which is of course true it is possible but it's just that she said it out loud. It made me feel even worse feel even more like damaged goods. The irony of it all as I said previous she is upset we can no longer be intimate... No longer have sex. There is no precaution for hpv no antiviral meds I can take no guestimating if I'm going to have an OB and statistics aren't on my side with condoms.


I have HPV and to my knowledge not the cancer giving kind but Genital warts... I was treated which meant having a doctor making small talk while he took a scalpel to my penis. I've since healed up and looks better but I'm still highly contagious even to myself it's suspected agitating an area such as scratching with your nails and then scratching another area can transmit the virus to more skin cells and in theory giving you more warts in different spots. Unlike herpes they cause no pain... No real discomfort but they are there. They don't burst into a scab and disappear... They stay there everyday for you to look at them with disgust.



In some ways I wish we never had made our friendship more than that... But I'm doing the woulda coulda shoulda. But damn it would make this all more simpler. I can give her everything but sex... And the one thing that makes her burst into tears is the one thing I can't give her. I've even gotten creative and offered to other alternatives to "traditional" sex but she doesn't want a fake schlock which is understandable. She would have sex with me accept the risks... But I believe that to be desperation then true thinking. Sure enough she may already be infected but I must think positive she isn't... And I must abstain from sex l.


I miss sex though.. I can entertain myself but you don't get that exhaustion you do from good sex. That moment you disengage your chest on fire from your ragged breaths the smell of heavy sweat in the air... Ah just memories now.




I've made my choice on moving. I am going to move. No matter how much I love her no matter the amount that of happiness I can give her and she give me. It's become very clear that lack of physical contact is going to be a deal breaker. At this point in my life I'd much rather be poor alone and in the mountains then have to cradle a woman filled with tears questioning things she already knows the answer.



I appreciate any and all advice, opinion, or encouragement. My emotional tank is on empty and my stomach hasn't stopped churning. Forgot to add I'm a CNA who specializes in alzheimers and end of life care so that doesn't help my day to day sanity :-|




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Ok woah, i have to say this....

first breathe..... and breathe again...


I ended up with genital warts 7years ago, thanks to a cheating basterd who didnt give a damn.., super bad breakeout and in all honesty thought i was havig an allergice reaction to the elastic in my underwear cuz im allergic to latex, nope it was warts...

had to spend 70 bucks on treatment and attempt to "burn" them off myself, after attempting 2 or 3 times went back to a walk in and they did 3 treatments there...

7 years... not one sympton of it coming back, and to my knowledge didnt pass it to past relations..

one of my exes and i were together 4 years, he knew i had hpv, and ive never passed it to him, and we used to have sex alot, and unprotected sex..

now maybe im nieve.. but i *thought* hpv could only be passed if there is a wart present.

maybe im wrong, but i dont yhink it has the same asymptomatic shedding as hsv..

theres no reason u and ur gal cant have fun be it sex or oral sex, just as long as *i think* no symptoms/bumps/discomfort is going on. Trust me if she had it shed know..

i havnt heard of anyone having hpv with no symptons, everyonr i know who has it had a breakout..

hang in there buds, no more guilt. Ee're not virgins anymore... and shit happens..

gotta learn to flush this one kay!?!?!




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Oh @Enhanced (BTW, you notice I don't add the other part... because I believe you are "more" than your perception of your addition of your viral friends)


@Willow is right - I've had the Genital HPV for much of my life too - had them burned off, never had any other occurrences myself either. Married 20 years - passed HSV to the ex-hubby (because I didn't know I had it) but (to my knowledge) never the HPV virus. And 2 post-divorce BF's didn't get it either...no condoms used in those relationships.


Can you have a re-occurrence and pass it to someone? Possibly. But GET THIS. There are 40-something types of genital HPV virus out there (over 100 when you include all the non-genital ones). We can't test guys for HPV because it means taking a swab up your willies and most guys wouldn't let anything like that near them, never mind that clinics just plain won't do it. So ... EVERY SINGLE GUY is a possible HPV carrier. Now, top that with the fact that the CDC says that EVERYONE who is at all sexually active will get *at least* ONE kind of HPV in their life. http://www.cdc.gov/std/HPV/STDFact-HPV.htm It's just a crap shoot as to whether you get the Warts version (there are 2), the Cancer version (there are about 4 I think), or the Scare-the-crap-out-of-you-when-your-test-comes-back ones that may cause some temporary cervical changes but that clear up on their own (I got THAT one too from the 1st post-divorce BF :p ). Odds are, most people who are sexually active have more than one IMO.... and most likely never know it. HPV is the most common STD ... HSV is the second most common ... and that's ONLY because the others can get cleared up with antibiotics.


I've come to believe that sex is the Facebook of the physical world - we all end up sharing waaay too many things but thankfully most of it can be "deleted" with drugs... but some of it stays there forever even though we wish it would go away :p


So you and your gal-pal need to get better educated about this. You have come to accept HSV better because we have helped you to better understand it - but your "ignorance" about HPV needs to be straightened out.


As for not having sex? Is this your choice or hers? If she is too mentally unstable to cope with the risk of getting something, maybe you are better apart. But whatever happens, you need to understand that you CAN and SHOULD have sex as long as your partner understands the deal. And really, you are freaking out about Genital WARTS??? It's such a non-issue ...yeah they look horrid but they are easily removed and otherwise do NOTHING to harm you.


I think she's freaking out because YOU are freaking out and it would be best for both of you to get some real, HONEST and ACCURATE information before you head outta Dodge.


Bottom line: ALL sex assumes risk of getting an STD until you and your partner are monogamous for 6 months with tests to prove it you are both STD-free. And the odds are pretty high that at least one of you already has *something* from your past... if you think of it.... 80% have HSV1. 15-20% have HSV2. 80-100% have HPV over time. Then you have Chlamydia (which may go down now that there is a test for guys which is a very recent event), Syphilis, gonorrhea and the like.


Ya know what? Read this little article.... it may help you get a reality check..









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Rambling is good sometimes. It helps get everything out, clears the fog, and helps you see things in perspective.


So, why can't you be intimate? Why? What the hell is stopping you? Fear of a skin condition? Fear of two common STI's? I've chatted with you, and I know there are some strong feelings there between you two. My advice is still the same.


She's been your rock? Be hers. Be the goddamned Rock of Gibraltar. Put that mountain in Nepal to shame. Forget K2, show the world who you are and what a real rock looks like. It's not going to be easy, and that's why we're here for you. Let her lean on you, and you lean on us. She'll never even have to know.


There are always emotional blades in relationships. Many times, we wield them without realizing it. I'd bet dollars to donuts that is all that happened. She didn't mean it to hurt you; from what you've told me, she's not that kind of woman. Are you damaged? No more than any other mortal being. We all come into this life with a sticker on our forehead that says "Fragile: Do not break." And, lo and behold, we end up breaking something at various points along the way. That's the beauty of life and when I get up to the Pearly's, I'm going to turn to St. Pete, bumps, bruises, and all and say "Damn, what a rush!"


Is there a risk she could get HPV or herpes? Yes. She could also fall madly in love, get pregnant, and become the best friend you've ever had. Lots of risks in life. Some of them are worth taking. For a real shot at lifelong love? Well, the fires of hell and Oprah marathons wouldn't deter me in the slightest.


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I really appreciate all the words. I am so thankful for this community and the people who reside in it. @Willow I've read so much on your situation your posts and I don't know of I realized or if you've ever said you had an OB of Gw it gives me hope to be another success of getting them treated and under control and putting the distance of time so it becomes a distant memory. Thank you.


@WCSDancer2010 I Knew you'd have a link regarding HPV, I blame Google for the lack of education i mean no matter how much I read certified sites like CDC which reads like a objective manual. But that site did put a lot into perspective and I'll be sure to print the reading material and pass it on. I doubt I would have found that site otherwise. Some of the anxiety is hers and some I... It's the lack of education and the fear of cancer. It doesn't help with those HPV commercials regarding the fear shock effect and their vaccine. But it comes down to me honestly it's my choice to abstain out of fear of sharing and added guilt to that. But I need to take my next day off for some meditation haven't done it in a long time.


@HerryTheHerp The man that can always find the right humor to make a person laugh. I agree and it seems we all experience that moment we are human and bring human we have both strength and weakness. I'm still going to move... I need it for myself to define myself and find out who and what I want to be. But I'm going to take your advice on keeping on open channel and not closing any doors.


Again thank you so much everyone. This week has just been heavy with lots of death, work, emotions, financial crisis. The other trials in life just amplifying this small problem of STD's. I feel better after my ramble and reading everyone's caring replies. After tomorrow with some hopeful raining meditation my emotional tank will be full and ready to offer open compassion.

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But it comes down to me honestly it's my choice to abstain out of fear of sharing and added guilt to that.


Well, I hope you will eventually get beyond that, because really, if everyone that has HPV/HSV stopped having sex, there would be one hell of a lot of very sexually frustrated people (and our population would drop drastically in no time :p ) You won't give her cancer... you *might* give her warts but that's no biggie. There are FAR worse ones she could get from another guy who has no idea that he's carrying it...because the ONLY reason you know you have hPV is because you saw the warts ... all those others have no symptoms in men... and no test. Which is why it's so widespread :(

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Ramble on my friend. Sometimes it's the only way to sort your thoughts.


I can't offer much help with the HPV, or even the distress your relationship is under right now but I can say that I don't think throwing in the towel just yet is the right thing to do. Unless there is way more going on than just the lack of intimacy then I would just consider this a rough patch. I know that lack of sex can make a relationship seemed doomed. I also know that sex isn't the only form of intimacy there is. For right now you guys should be focusing on figuring out what those other forms are for your relationship. HPV and herpes, as well as anything else sexually transmitted throws relationships a huge curve ball. Especially in the bedroom department.


I think right now she just needs you to talk, talk, talk, and talk to her. Women like that shit.

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