Scared to disclose for the first time

[stardust]

Hi! First of all, I am new and reading the posts here have been very encouraging to me as I am about to disclose for my first time ever.

I am 22 and was a virgin when I met my most recent ex, as well as uneducated and naive. We waited for several months and he assured me he was clean for everything and long story short I ended up with H. I don't think he knew, he even accused me of going out on him. I stayed with him for 2 years only to find out he really wasn't worth it. I have been having an ob about once every 3-4 months.

 

A few weeks ago I started talking to this great guy online. We have been hanging out in person every day for a week now and we have such a strong connection and already I could see an amazing future with this person. We talk for hours about anything and everything and it feels perfect. We have kissed and held hands but I would once again like to wait at least a month or so to continue getting to know each other before going further. He just asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes... because we are both becoming invested very quickly I feel like it would be wrong of me to wait longer to tell him.

 

While the tips and shared experiences on here have been a major help in me not feeling alone, I am absolutely terrified to tell him! I am trying to get my facts straight and am rehearsing how I should bring it up and say it best but I am fretting over every detail. What kind of wording is least offensive? Where is a good setting to tell him? I am so worried of being rejected for this... but I think I may tell him tonight because it is beginning to eat away at me.

 

I am stressing! Any tips, advice, encouragement would be much appreciated!

Thanks :)

[willow]

Hi @stardust!!!

Disclosing can be super difficult, but its super important to try and stay relaxed while talking.

I just disclosed a couple weeks ago, and it turned out better than i thought it would, and now proud to say i not only have hsv2g, but i have a super supportive bf about it too!

Imo dont be in a public place when you have the talk, you and him will need to be able to concentrate on eachother, and feel comfortable. Your house, his house.. go out for a coffee and take a nice walk somewhere.

you could start off by asking him if hes ever heard of hsv? Then explain its the virus that causes coldsores... and then he might get the hint of where this convo is going, and carry on with "well i have hsv, explain to him where and what type you have, be sure to express that 80% of our population has hsv, and if its gennital theres only a 4% chance of transmission from female to male. Cut that in half by use of condoms and if u went on suppressive therapy via antivirals it cuts it down to about 1% transmission. Allow him time to digest the info, encourage him to ask any questions he might have. And above all let this man know that you really care about him, and you are starting to trust him, and thats why you are sharing this with him.

good luck! Hope this helps a little!

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@stardust..

 

First - Welcome and glad you came here before disclosing...lots of great advice here for you to help you to figure out what you want to say.

 

So - do you have HSV1 or 2? It helps to know so you know how to word things. I've written up 2 sample disclosure scenarios and I'll give you a bunch of links to success stories to hear how people told their partners:

 

Disclosing GHSV2 - "I want to start this relationship with honesty and openness…. so I have something to tell you. You know the cold sores people get on their lips? I get a similar thing down there. Both are the Herpes virus. If I take suppressive meds and/or we can use condoms, and we don't touch me when I have any signs, we can reduce the risk of you getting it down to less than 2% ... If we use both it would be less than 1%. Given that 80% of people have herpes, you may have it and not know unless you specifically asked for the test anyway. I really like you and if we get physical I will do everything in my power to keep you from getting it. And in a way, I am safer than most because I KNOW I have it and how to manage it. Most people like me got it from someone that didn't know they have it or we were lied to.

 

 

Disclosing GHSV1 : Simplest way is to say "You know the cold sores people get on their lip? I get them down there. So if you've had a cold sore, you you have the antibodies and it would be difficult for you to get it from me. If you are not sure, then we need to be careful ... HSV1 doesn't shed much but I can take suppressive meds and/or we can use condoms until you get tested. 80% of people have HSV1 so you may have it and not know" …

 

Have a look at the following Success Stories too - and print out the Disclosure pamphlets for him too... and I'm including 2 youtube talks from Adrial that may help ... let us know how it goes!

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2879/rekindling-an-old-flame Valkyrie

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3021/successful-herpes-disclosure Starsinhereyes

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said-thisisgoingtobeok

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (male) (READ TO THE END!!)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3453/proper-vocabulary-i-have-herpes-vs-im-a-carrier-of-hsv blueeyes… ending 8 yr dry spell from terror to elation

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3337/i-did-it-and-i-am-ok- Murbs

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2921/met-a-new-guy-and-have-a-few-concerns-not-ready-to-tell-him-i-have-herpes inspired 32

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3498/exhale-finally Aimi

 

Herpes facts video

When to have the H talk Adrial

 

 

[stardust]

Well, I did it! I can't believe I did it.

(prepare yourself for a bit of an essay)

 

Thank you so much for the great advice @willow ,it helped a LOT!!

 

@WCSDancer2010 thank you for the wonderful tips and helpful links, though I did not see this until after. I do not know which type I have but I am now setting up an appointment to find out!

 

Here's the story. I went over to his house yesterday evening and we cuddled and watched movies and talked for hours. With each minute passing I felt like we were becoming more and more comfortable with each other. I wasn't sure when the right time to say it would be or if I would have enough nerve, but after his roommates went to bed I knew I may not get the same opportunity.

He brought up the fact that he was becoming quickly invested in me and how he was glad we could talk about anything. We cycled through sharing everything about ourselves and making out like teenagers into the wee hours of the morning and things got a lot more heated and intense than I expected. I could feel my self control slipping. Here goes nothing.

I said "You know I really care about you and trust you. I am glad we are being so open and I need to be honest with you about one more thing." He just laughed so I told him it was more of a serious subject so he gave me his full attention. "First of all I want you to know that the last person I was with is the only person I have slept with but.." Deep breath. "Do you know what HSV is?" He didn't. "You know cold sores?" He did. "I, well I get them...down there. I have the Herpes Simplex Virus. It doesn't actually play a big role in my life but if we are going to continue this then it is important you know. About 1 in 5 people have it and most of them don't know." I then gave him the numbers for chance of female to male transmission and let him know how we could reduce the risk and that I am taking suppressive therapy. Before I could tell him about the burn-out period and likelihood of symptoms lessening over time-

"Okay but it's not like you have it forever or anything right?" Dread. "Yes, actually, I do.." I could see it really beginning to sink in. "So it's incurable?" "For now, yes, there isn't a cure. But I manage it best I can." He looked sad. "Hey, I want you take as much time as you need to think about this, do your own research and decide for yourself...whatever you decide, I understand. Do you have any questions for me?" He said no. I would like to point out that he continued to hold my hand this entire conversation which gave me so much strength. Then he kissed me again, softer and less hurried now. After a few minutes he pulled back and said "I would sleep with you. I want this relationship. I really enjoy spending time with you. You make me happy." And we continued to kiss.

He later told me on the walk home, holding hands all the way, that he respected the fact that I had saved myself for a long-term relationship and that that was better than he could say. He started talking about plans for next week and me meeting more of his family. He told me at the door how amazing and strong he thinks I am and gave me a long hug. We haven't spoken yet after getting some rest and I don't know what he has or hasn't looked at online yet, but the fact I had the courage to tell him and that he didn't immediately run for the hills made me feel so free. Valuable.

 

Victory!! I will update on how things go after this. I could not be more grateful that I found this website with all of you wonderful people when I did.

[Aimi]

I have the biggest grin for you! Ear to ear!

 

Not even necessarily because of his reaction (although that is awesome too!) but because of your courage! You originally posted just yesterday and already jumped right in there! You're badass.

 

You're badass & you're valuable. Very valuable.

Make sure he continues to treat you as just that.

 

Enjoy!

[willow]

Bada dum dum dum.. and another stigma bites the dust!

[willow]

Good for you girl! Crossin my fingers for ya!!

[WCSDancer2010]

@stardust -

 

This is beautiful.... and good for you for being brave and vulnerable and learning that you ARE valuable!!!

 

One quick piece of advice. Tell him (text him NOW) to stay the hell off google and send him the link to the handout and to this site and tell him that we can answer any of his questions here...ok??? Google images is the scourge of the earth when it comes to people who have no clue what it is who are searching for information....because the top images are the worst (thanks to people having a morbid fascination with seeing things at their worst and thus pushing those photos up the ranks :( )

 

Otherwise, you did GREAT... sounds like you said all the right things and that he took it all in very well and that he DOES value you .... and that is a wonderful thing to feel, eh?

 

(((HUGS!)))

[stardust]

Thank you so much everyone. Again, I can't emphasize enough how helpful the support here was as well as the info and stories all throughout this forum.

 

Just wanted to update that everything is going amazing still and it has been a complete non-issue. It feels SO great to have someone see me for so much more than just what I have!

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

This is so great to hear... Happy Dance over here!!!!

[newthings2014]

Just the thing I needed to hear as I prepare for my own "Talk" with someone new I've started seeing :D It's a great feeling when the person keeps their heart and mind open. Congrats and keep us posted!