Hoping for some help on coming to terms with a new HSV2 diagnosis....

[in_need_of_help]

So I found out last week that I'm positive for HSV2. I was shocked to find out as my first outbreak was pretty mild and felt like no more than a bladder infection and I felt a bit run down. I almost didn't even go to the doctor (wish I hadn't). I didn't have the painful lesions so I count myself lucky. Physically, if that is as bad as it gets I can live with it.

 

But then comes the emotional bit.....I've been seeing a guy for about 8 weeks and when I told him he naturally freaked out because 1) he may have it and have passed it on to me unknowingly, or 2) he's negative and I'm not. He's never had a symptom and had just had a full STD blood screen (obviously without HSV as they don't test for it) two weeks ago so I could go on the pill and we could stop using condoms. He was honest with me and said if his blood test for HSV2 comes back negative he won't be able to keep seeing me as he just doesn't want to take the risk. To be honest, I don't blame him as I'm not sure if I would, even though I've educated myself on the risks. We have talked about low transmission rates, etc and I've asked him to talk to the doc when he gets his results, but fact remains - positive he stays (and we deal with the pain that he probably gave it to me); negative he goes and I'm single with an STD.

 

So it's a bit of a double whammy here - I'm dealing with finding out I have a lifelong STD that I could potentially pass to others and the only person I've told is going to leave if he's negative. I'm too scared to tell my friends and family, even though I'm sure they would be supportive, I just can't face putting it out there. There is such a huge stigma attached to herpes in Australia.

 

I'm sure everyone on here has felt like this and I know it's not a death sentence, but man it sure feels like it. I just can't stop crying and I feel completely alone. I can't even face eating (I've dropped about 4 kgs in a week and I'm not a big girl), but I'm putting on a brave face at work and with my friends so no-one knows....it's exhausting actually. I just can't come to terms with the fact that from now and forever I have to disclose this to people and deal with the rejection. If someone who's spent 6 weeks with me and really likes me can't handle it, how on earth could I expect someone to deal with it after a few dates??

 

Can anyone give me some tips on how to handle this?? I really need some support and honest insight. My doc said it's not really a big deal and if a guy is in to you it shouldn't really matter to him. While it made me feel better to hear it, she clearly she doesn't have herpes and dating in Australia...

[willow]

Hi @in_need,

Im sorry to hear ur going thru such a rough patch! I thought the same thing when i had my first o.b.sooo tiny didny even really notice, but jsv2 possitive.

 

it takes a bit of time, but the emotional trauma u feel right does vannish, maybe not entirely, but id say 6months into this for me and only once in a blue moon do i ever feel down about it now.

 

As for finding potential partners in the future, u can either be brave and just put it out there one the first or second date (make surr u have somr stats rehearsed ur head as alot of ppl dont know a damn about hsv) or u could wait a few weeks in, and disclose only when u think they are worthy or knowing. Everones story alters with their success, and sometimes dissapointment, but never give up on yourself and what YOU want in life.

[willow]

* sorry again for all the typos, im on my cell phone.

 

And p.s. if u type in the search bar, or give a read thru he f.a.q. section youll see theres not a whole lot to be scared of, even if this boy does walk away. You will have us!!

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1758/frequently-asked-questions-on-herpes-and-popular-conversations/p1

[Tallboy38]

I totally understand your feelings about not wanting to disclose this new situation to any of your family or friends. I myself have had HSV2 for about a month now. I have decided to not tell any of my friends because I go to a very small university that I just don't want the risk of it getting out to people who do not need to know. HOWEVER, I will say this. It has been extremely helpful for me to be open with my family about it all. During the week I had been screened and was waiting for the results, I was freaking out. Although i had a mild outbreak, I felt very ill with the fever and flu symptoms. Even before I received my official results, i had told my mother that there was a strong possibility I had contracted HSV2. Already, a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Since my diagnosis, my mother, father and sister have all been so supportive. I have never felt such a strong connection with them prior to this. I can truly tell them about any of my problems. Just remember, you are not H, you are your parent's daughter and they will love you regardless. My family is my biggest support system.

[in_need_of_help]

Thanks so much for your replies Willow and Tallboy38! It definitely makes me feel better knowing that there are other people out there who have been through it. It sucks that so many people have this and if the social stigma was removed it would be easy to talk about and get support - in fact you wouldn't need support as you wouldn't feel like such an outcast! I feel like I'm wallowing and I get mad at myself for it, I mean it's not life-threatening, but then I think about the future that's ahead of me and I get so sad and angry.

 

I'll read up on the link you sent Willow.....and maybe some of the inspirational stories :) Tallboy38 you are 100% correct on needing to talk about it. Unfortunately none of my beautiful family live in Australia and I can't drop this bombshell over the phone. I know they would be amazing but I need to do this in person...and I think I'll need a cuddle when I do it! I have wonderful friends and I know I will be able to share it with a few of them, but I think I need to get to grips with it a bit first. Once it's out there, it's out there.

 

Thanks again to both of you, you really have helped me not to feel so alone :)

[WCSDancer2010]

@in_need_of_help

 

Well for once I actually agree 100% with what a Dr said.... Hallelujah!!! (Stick around and you'll see me on a rant once in awhile as most Dr's are woefully out of touch with the latest on H) He's right, if he REALLY likes you that much H "shouldn't" be a big deal ... however, another way to look at it is that it's just a deal breaker for him if he doesn't have it. In his blissful ignorance he doesn't get it that it's incredibly common and that he's likely going to come across someone who has it in the future who may not know or who may lie about it ... I tend to feel that those of us who know we have it are "safer" because we can take the antivirals and use precautions to protect our partners. But in the end, if he is that worried about a little rash vs possibly being with the love of his life, well, he's entitled to walk and that will leave you free to find someone who loves YOU no matter what ;)

 

And honey, the stigma is just as bad in the USA... but you know where it's the worst???? In YOUR head. Why? Because noone discusses it so we all make it out to be a horridly nasty thing when the fact of the matter is that 80% of the population has at least one type, and 80% of them don't know it. And 15-20% have Genital H ... that's one in 5 or 6 people! So you are FAR from alone and you will likely find when you share with people that if they don't have it (knowingly, at least) they will know at least one other who has it...... and a TRUE friend will stand by you and know that you are not suddenly "dirty" or a "slut"..... you just got unlucky. AND, life will go on and you CAN find love. I'm a 35 yr veteran of H2 and 50+ yrs with H1 (got oral H as a kid... like 60% of all young people).

 

I'm going to put some links here for you to peruse ... so you will realize that you can live a really normal life and that H will eventually be a "speed bump" in your life ...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3296/this-is-water-this-is-water- Choice

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/92/the-positive-side-of-being-herpes-positive

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2150/todays-lesson-brought-to-you-by-the-letter-h Herry

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

Success Stories (I have a ton more if you need more convincing ;) )

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2879/rekindling-an-old-flame Valkyrie

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3021/successful-herpes-disclosure Starsinhereyes

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said-thisisgoingtobeok

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (male) (READ TO THE END!!)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3488/so-im-new-to-this Sunshinesister (H- Partner’s questions)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3453/proper-vocabulary-i-have-herpes-vs-im-a-carrier-of-hsv blueeyes… ending 8 yr dry spell from terror to elation

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3337/i-did-it-and-i-am-ok- Murbs

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2921/met-a-new-guy-and-have-a-few-concerns-not-ready-to-tell-him-i-have-herpes inspired 32

 

Herpes facts video

 

[in_need_of_help]

Hi @WCSDancer2010, thanks so much for your inspirational message, I've read a lot of your posts over the past few days and they have helped so much! Everything you say is true and I see glimpses of it being fine, I know it will be with a little time. I actually had an epiphany on the way to work this morning, as much as I hate having this, it's the first time I've allowed myself to be this vulnerable to someone - I usually keep my cards very close to my chest and sex has been something that I take for granted early in my relationships. I've read how people say disclosure weeds out the bad partners and builds stronger relationships, and to be honest I thought that was just mumbo jumbo to make everyone feel better (no offence, I was in a bad place!), but I actually think that's right. Sure I'll get rejected but there will be someone out there who doesn't think it's a big deal and we will have a stronger more positive relationship because of it. And believe me, I know I will feel like crap all over again, it's a rollercoaster, but it was nice to get to this place today :)

 

So....update for anyone playing along: My bf just told me he's tested positive for antibodies of HSV2 and is angry as hell (not surprisingly). He says he still wants to be with me, not because of this but because he really likes me. Although, he said his doctor told him it's no big deal and he's fine seeing he hasn't had any outbreaks that he won't pass it on to any future partners (if we break up) so long as he doesn't have any flare ups??!!! Denial and misinformation!! I told him that's absolutely not true and he needs to be honest with future people because he can pass it on....(and may have done so to me! - not that I said that, staying away from the blame game). He's furious and now saying I could've given it to him and I shouldn't tell him what he can and can't do and thinks I'm only saying this to convince him to stay with me?! I should also mention that he works away 4 out of 5 weeks so I won't actually see him for another month now. I know he's a typical red-blooded Aussie male out of touch with his feelings and I know how angry he is, I've been there, but I wasn't expecting this. Admittedly he probably didn't want to hear home truths today and we're not in the same town so I can't physically support him, but seriously? I will give him time for the dust to settle and see where we are at, but I am certainly starting to appreciate the "weeding out of bad people" sentiment :)

[WCSDancer2010]

Print these out for him and tell him to read them... he won't believe you but governmental stuff (Its the USA but it still stands) and H Opp stuff may get his attention...

 

Bottom line is, if he tested + for H with a blood test, he's had it for more than 4 months ... period. So he didn't get it from you ;)

 

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://www.cdc.gov/std/Herpes/STDFact-Herpes-detailed.htm

 

Highlight and underline this part

 

How do people get genital herpes?

 

Infections are transmitted through contact with lesions, mucosal surfaces, genital secretions, or oral secretions. HSV-1 and HSV-2 can also be shed from skin that looks normal. In persons with asymptomatic HSV-2 infections, genital HSV shedding occurs on 10% of days, and on most of those days the person has no signs or symptoms. [4] Generally, a person can only get HSV-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital HSV-2 infection. Transmission most commonly occurs from an infected partner who does not have a visible sore and may not know that he or she is infected. [5]

 

If he continues to be mad, well, he's showing you stuff you have not seen about him and you have to consider whether this is someone YOU want to be with... whatever you do, don't stay just because you both have H ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[in_need_of_help]

Thanks for the info!! And for reassuring me he didn't get it from me :) I'll wait a bit and then send them to him, although I doubt he will read any of it.

I told him that his doctor is woefully misinformed and there is an 8% chance of an asymptomatic male passing HSV2 to a female through unprotected sex and a 4% chance when using condoms. I said female to male is half that and I would NEVER knowingly pass this on to someone given how I felt when I found out. I've also been crystal clear that I don't hold him responsible, I will never know who gave it to me and I want to support him now that he's tested positive.

His main concern and what is upsetting him so much is that he now can't have one-night stands with a clear conscience??!! Gee thanks. He's very attractive and personable so picking up girls has always been very easy for him (ahem, case in point). He has his head in the sand and is in complete denial and instead of this making us stronger it's just shown me how truly arrogant and selfish he is. I've told him to get educated before putting anyone at risk but he thinks I'm trying to scare him into staying with me. I actually don't want anything more to do with him. I finished the conversation by saying that I would respect his privacy and just tell everyone it didn't work out and leave it at that and have asked him to respect mine. I am certain that the next person he infects will be a hell of a lot less forgiving.

It's a horrible situation but at least I'm on the right road and I've found all the support I need here!! x

[WCSDancer2010]

His main concern and what is upsetting him so much is that he now can't have one-night stands with a clear conscience??!!

 

Um... I have one thing to say to that ... "Danger Will Robinson.... Danger!" ...

 

it's just shown me how truly arrogant and selfish he is.

 

Ya think??? Wow... /:)

 

I actually don't want anything more to do with him.

 

Good for you! Sorry it took H to show you his true colors but in the long run you may well be coming out ahead of the game ... living with someone like that will wear you down...

 

(((HUGS))) friend ... hopefully if you send him the info he will read it when he cools off... I hope so for all the women in his future :(

[ihaveittoo]

The wingman comes through once again.

[Angelina]

If he walks he walks. I've had guys except me with no problems. I found the best way to disclose is to kind of get a feel for the person first to see how they are and then wait a little. I make sure that the person is really into me for the long run. If I think I can trust him I'll let him know. I just stay calm about it. I never got upset or red faced, I just say it. Maybe it's my confidence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[in_need_of_help]

Ha, the H wingman certainly has! And WCSDancer2010, you're right, living with someone that egocentric day to day would get exhausting. This probably wouldn't be the worst thing we'd face as a couple and if he's a selfish jerk about this then I can only imagine if it was a really bad situation. I will definitely send him the info once he has a chance to calm down. He's doing his research and I guess coming to terms with it in his own way, but I can't picture him letting himself be vulnerable and open enough to disclose to someone. I think he'd just rather use condoms and take the risk and walk when he ruins someone's life. Although who knows, maybe he'll grow a conscience somewhere along the way.

I've heard a lot of success stories Angelina, your confidence is probably a huge factor for you. I'm still not comfortable enough to tell my friends let alone a new partner, but I guess one day I'll get there. I know I'm not going to put anyone at risk knowingly, I couldn't live with that weight on my shoulders!