Haven't told my boyfriend of a year.

[T_p_]

I was diagnosed with hsv1. I believe it was contacted orally. The first outbreak was considered mild I guess... Maybe three lesions on the inside of my labia and one on my anus. They were gone in about a week. I took acyclovir during this time. My doctor told me at the time that hsv1 generally is usually tremendously more mild than hsv 2 genitally, and that some 80% of the population already has hsv1 so if I didn't want to disclose to people it was okay. she made it seem like it was not a big deal at all.

 

I met my boyfriend and we used condoms for a few months since I wasn't on birth control (other hormonal reasons) but he didn't perform oral unprotected. I have never had an outbreak since nor has he contracted anything.

 

About a week ago I read something online about herpes and it got me thinking about my condition... I started feeling very guilty for not disclosing even if I haven't had an outbreak and my doctor told me I most likely won't. I love my boyfriend very much and want to have a fully honest relationship. I didn't mean to not disclose to him, I was going off advice from my doctor. At the time of diagnosis, I was going to a student health center on my camps and was herded in an out like cattle with the rest of the students. She made it seem like no big deal so that's what I believed.. Until today.

 

Then just today I started feeling odd. I don't know if it's me making up symptoms because I have been feeling guilty or what. But my legs have been itchy from inside the knee to middle of thigh. My crotch had been slightly itchy but I also have not shaved in a while And that tends to happen. I have a headache and just feel blah. I started freaking out that maybe it's prodrome. This situation, even thinking one is coming, made me realize I need to tell my boyfriend. Being honest would allow me to tell him when I think I feel somethjng off, instead of freaking out about it and just hoping it doesn't like right now. That's no way to live in a relationship.

 

I guess I am asking advice on how to tell him. I know I made a mistake. But I was not properly informed by my doctor at the time- like I said she made it seem like it wouldn't come back and just take acyclovir until it went away.

 

I don't know. Any advice or tips would really help... I've read threads of people being told they committed the worst form of betrayal and taken away someone's rights to choose and I know I did that. So please anything else that may help...

[T_p_]

Correction

 

[WCSDancer2010]

First - hello and welcome. We try to be a judgment free zone here, and we encourage people to be kind in their replies, even while giving "though love". ;)

 

My doctor told me at the time that hsv1 generally is usually tremendously more mild than hsv 2 genitally, and that some 80% of the population already has hsv1 so if I didn't want to disclose to people it was okay.

 

You have NO idea how crazy this makes me. While the Dr is correct about H1 shedding less, and thus having a lower risk of being passed on, it IS an STD and yes, you are right, your BF does need to know. But you were given incorrect info ... so don't beat yourself up.

 

The only thing I WILL say is don't play the "Gee I just got tested and found out I have H" game. Tell him the truth ... you were mis-informed (VERY common I fear :( ) into believing you were safe and didn't need to tell anyone. That you read something online that caused you to do some research and you have learned that you CAN pass it on without symptoms. Then I would ask him if he's ever had a cold sore because that it the kind you have ... you just have it down there ... if he has, he likely has at least *some* immunity. But you will still want to be cautious, and perhaps take anti-virals to reduce your shedding risk. We can help you through that once you've had the talk.

 

I'd print out the Handout for him and show him these sites. And I'd highly advise that he get tested for ALL STD's (He will have to specify to get tested for everything guys can get tested for ... they can't test them for HPV unfortunately) and you should do the same, just to be safe. And send him here (we have a section for H- partners) if he needs more answers.

 

Regarding your symptoms, well, it could just be you over-reacting, and it could be a prodrome. Give it a few days and see how things go, but I'd abstain from sex until you think you have it figured out....

 

Once you digest it all, then come back here if you have questions or need support ... we're here for you!

 

(((HUGS))))

 

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://www.cdc.gov/std/Herpes/STDFact-Herpes-detailed.htm

 

http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/

 

Herpes facts video

[T_p_]

I can't help but not beat myself up.. Even if I know it makes it worse. I am so nervous of telling him... Some selfishness in that of knowing how uncomfortable it will be for me. But also because I feel so terribly of what he may feel after. We are in love, but I am just very nervous still. How do I even start that conversation? Come over we need to talk... He will think it's something else. We have our year anniversary on Saturday and had a romantic night planned... Now I don't know how to present this to him. :(

[T_p_]

Ps. Thank you for the support. It's so appreciated

[willow]

Hey @T_p_! Altho i havent experienced what u are going thru as being in a relationship before disclosing, i umderstand how frustrated u prob feel..

 

Maybe you could start off with calling him amd saying somrthing along the lines of "hey, so ive found out some intresting news about my health, and its nothing to worry about, or life threatning or anything, but i do need to talk to u about it..." then at that point its up to u if u want this discussion over phone or in person... and whatever u do, try ir dambdest to not be too emotional when u say the next paragraph which could go something like..

 

" sooo, i was diagnosed with hsv a year ago, and my doctor at the time informed me that i neednt be worried or upset because 80% of tje population has it. Hsv is the abbreviation for herpes symplex virus, and i was diagnosed with hsv1, and the hsv1 is mostly known for coldsores. But i have it "down there"...Now, the reason why im telling u this is because i litterally just found that altho transmission rates are lower than the hsv2 (wich is known for gennital herpes), theres still a chance that i could possibly pass it to u. my doctor didnt inform me of any of this, he told me i didnt need to tell anyone because transmission is such a smaller rate than the hsv2, and that most the population has hsv1. So if u have ever had a coldsore u dont need to he worried because u most likely have the anitbodies to fight it off already, but if uve never jad a coldsore, then i could go on suppressive therapy and it helps lower transmission from 50 to 80% or more. Thats totally up to u tho babe. Do u have any questions? "

 

Hope this helps a bit! Sorry for typos im on my cell!

xox

[T_p_]

Does anyone feel like it's inappropriate to send it in an email or text. I am much better with my works in writing and then give him the opportunity to come over later and talk about it after he has digested the information I will send him (the video and links above also) as well... I appreciate your guys thoughts...

[whitedaisies]

I really wouldn't recommend doing that. Honest and open communication is a big part of loving someone.

 

I know it's difficult and I can empathize with you. But think of how he would feel reading something serious like that over text or e mail. If you love eachother, which you do, this is just a "thing" and moreover, it wasn't your fault that you were misinformed and no one would ever blame you for something like that....especially someone who loves you.

 

So just keep posting on here until you work up the courage to tell him in person. I know it's hard, but it should work out for you; if it is true love, you will be fine. Being scared is normal.

 

Good Luck

[WCSDancer2010]

Best thing is face to face friend. If you are looking at having a life together, you HAVE to learn to communicate, even when it's uncomfortable. If you last together, you will likely have a number of these kind of uncomfortable talks, so you might as well get the first one out of the way.

 

As for the anniversary, I'd tell him before or after .... I'd get it out of the way personally, so it won't be weighing on your mind.

 

These links may help you feel a bit better about the blame you are placing on yourself... again, the BIG thing here is the medical Dr gave you incorrect info, so you were not to know. As soon as you got wind that things might not be as you were told, you did the responsible thing and got educated. So be kind to yourself ... and if you can, tell him today ... get it done, and then celebrate your year together... ;)

 

http://herpeslife.com/brene-brown-authenticity-connection-vulnerability-shame-guilt-herpes/

[T_p_]

Wow, those ted talks were amazing and definitely life changing even outside of this H issue. I have had issues with vulnerability my entire life. I'm always vulnerable to make a mistake so I fall into perfectionism. Then I don't take chances for fear of not being perfect. I have struggled with it for a long time.

 

I am far from perfect in my relationship lol I get emotional, I mess up, I can be rude at times. But that's human. I don't know why I view this H issue as any different. That ted talk made me realize how much I run from vulnerability all the time- even in my relationship. I fear telling him so bad because it means I am not perfect, it means I am putting something difficult in our relationship, it means that he had the opportunity to be angry with me and let me go. That is so scary, but that video made me realize having courage means showing your true self, and why would I want him to be with someone who wasn't truly me? Being vulnerable with this could allow me to do much better with it in other areas in my life... It's a huge step and a huge thing for me to overcome. I am still so scared to tears and it will be hard to do this without tears. Just have to remember to state it as a matter of fact and not make it a bigger deal than it is... No shame.

[WCSDancer2010]

WOW - I just got chills ... I soooo love it when someone "gets it" .... I'm tearing up for you Chica!

 

We'll be here for you.... remember when you talk to him you have THOUSANDS of people cheering you on (we have many people who lurk and who gain strength from hearing our stories here, and who have their own breakthroughs from what they read).... and remember that we have FAR more success stories than failures and I truly believe that is because H shows our true selves to our partners, and the ones worth being with love us because they have seen that vulnerable side of us.

 

This is the first step towards you discovering the true, authentic YOU ... being ok with being exactly who you are right now, imperfections and all. You Go Girl!

 

(((HUGS))) and NO SHAME!

[T_p_]

Does anyone have statistics of shedding hsv 1 while being on suppressive medications? What are the chances of me passing it to him through oral sex?

[WCSDancer2010]

All stats are on the handouts!!! It's a good idea to print them out so you have them for quick reference

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Here are the %s of the time herpes silently sheds the virus based on the HSV type and location (not to be confused with transmission rates).

 

HSV-2 genital 15-30% (transmission F-M risk considered to be 5%)

HSV-1 genital 3-5% (So about a 1-2% risk and cut that in half with anti-virals)

HSV-1 oral 9-18%

HSV-2 oral 1%

 

Shedding occurs more frequently during the first 6-12 months of having herpes than it does subsequently due to building antibodies

 

I'd say transmission would be the same as far as oral and genital sex....perhaps higher if he has an open sore on either area ...

[T_p_]

Life works in mysterious ways... I subscribe to a blog called Tiny Buddha and today this article was sent to my email:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/want-love-support-relationships/

 

The first quote is by Brene Brown- the woman speaking in the videos you sent me. "You are imperfect and you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." Just watched those last night!

 

I am working really hard today to become more knowledgeable and understand that this is a skin disorder I have. Not a life threatening or serious disease. It is in the same family as mono and chicken pox, and no one gives stigma to those. I am still fearful that I will be rejected, that he will be angry with me, or decide this isn't a risk he doesn't want to take (since at the moment we are not looking to move in with each other or get married). These are just things popping up in my wild imagination... I believe I am worthy of love. However I am worried that he will decide he cannot deal with the herpes. Again... just my self doubt getting the best of me and me worrying about things that have no happened yet. But its easier for someone with herpes to understand the skin disorder because we do our research and truly try to understand.. the average person who has no dealt with it yet that closely may still be ignorant. My hope is that he chooses to become knowledgeable and we can move on from it. I just tend to get very emotional when I talk about things.... I will have to remember what @willow said... try you damnedest not to get too emotional! I have been practicing what I am going to say all morning.. seeing him later today for coffee.

[Guest]

I don't blame you for not disclosing. At least I don't want to. However, it's exactly the situation you're in that is how I got it from the girl I was seeing. She knew she had it, wasn't on antivirals, but only ever had one OB. She didn't feel it was important enough to tell me about. Even with a condom I still got it the first and only time we ended up having sex. It makes me incredibly angry to read stories about people being irresponsible with the health of others.

 

This is a benign skin condition, but for many people (like myself) it is tremendously psychologically crippling because it strikes at the very core of our being. My sexual identity held primacy over many other things about me. That's not to say that I was promiscuous (I was not and never have been), but it is saying that my physical attributes tended to be what first caught the attention of the women I have dated, whereas my personality and intellect have generally taken a back seat.

 

Now because of someone else's insecurity and irresponsibility I have to figure out how to rearrange my entire dating life around this skin condition that doesn't even show up in a place I can cover with a condom. I may as well not even bother with relationships in the future because of the person who gave me this gift since all I can do to protect a partner is take antivirals, and that simply isn't enough.

 

It burns me up when I hear about someone being so irresponsible that they decide it's acceptable to take the decision away from another person about whether or not they want to assume that risk. Would I have done it? No. Not a chance. Why? Because I was uncertain of the emotional compatibility in the relationship and wanted to see if there was more. There wasn't, and because I was deceived I'm now stuck. That makes me angry. My choice was taken from me by someone who had no right to do it. Now I have to deal with it for the rest of my life. Thanks to someone else who didn't feel like disclosure was important.

 

/endrant

[WCSDancer2010]

@Thisismenow

 

it is saying that my physical attributes tended to be what first caught the attention of the women I have dated, whereas my personality and intellect have generally taken a back seat.

 

Well friend, maybe, just *maybe*, Herpes has done you a favor. I know you will see that as a crazy statement, but when you rely on your looks to get girls, you get the wrong kind of girls . Now you will have to learn to be vulnerable, and to let the girl see WHO you are so she will fall in love with the *PERSON* and not the body ... and that girl won't care that you have H ;)

[T_p_]

I would have disclosed earlier... I was under a pretense from my doctor that it was not a big deal unless I was having an OB at the time, which I most likely wouldn't again. She compared it to mono- saying that people who kiss dont let people know they and mono even though they could potentially give it to anyone they kiss or share a drink with. It is water under the bridge eventually. I am still at fault for not being informed on my own behalf, but we would like to trust medical professionals.

 

Anywho... I did it last night! In the beginning he asked lots of questions, talked about options etc. I did my best to answer everything and whatnot. He said as far as he was concerned he'd dint want to know yet if he had it because we are going to be together for a while so he would cross that bridge when he got to it. He also said that if he knew in the very beginning he isn't sure he would have continued the relationship because he didn't know me. but now it is a different story because he loves me. This stung a little, but I can't say i would have done differently. Later when we went to bed we tossed and turned, and he eventually asked me why he told me- maybe he would have rather not known because now he is dealing with the uncertainty of the small chance hell still get it, even if I'm on daily antivirals. I told him after learning and talking to a new doctor that I had to tell him, if anything happened later I didn't want him being angry with me. He said he understood... he just kept saying it was a bummer "like not my girlfriend". He talked about how he is very health conscious and wondered how this will effect his health later, influences, the future... not that he necessarily cares about the inconvienece at times. Also him not knowing how it could react in him- for me it was mild, but it could be different for him. A completely valid question. I told him him we could go see a doctor together for more information. I also explained how although he was feeling extremely uncertain and like this was sprung on him and now he's ruminating on it, that it was extremely hard for me to be that vulnerable and open, and how that should make us stronger, not break us down in anyway. Eventually he held me, and let me know that his changes nothing. Everything that I could have wanted to hear... In that moment I have never felt more loved and accepted. I love this man.

 

Although I feel great about disclosing and the way we were able to communicate in the end, I still have this sense of guilt, not shame. I accept the H. I accept dealing with the inconvenience. The only thing I am still struggling with is knowing that he is struggling- mostly with the uncertainty of if he will get it, and how it will be for him, and the long term effects. He said it will not effect him wanting to be intimate, or him wanting to be with me.... How do I deal with this. Any advice on how to move forward? How to help him process it and move past it? (that is what he said he has to do)

[WCSDancer2010]

@T_p_

 

Good for you friend! I know that was hard for you to do but the worst is over.

 

Yes he is probably a bit scared and confused but that is ok and perfectly normal. Make sure to help him get informed ... knowledge is power ;)

 

How to move forward? Take it slow. Let him process it ... you have had a lot more time to adjust to living with H. He needs time to understand how you both can work together to try to keep him safe. I dated a guy for 3 years who totally FREAKED when I told him ... it took a whole month for him to decide that not only was I worth continuing with, but that with dating and sex comes risk. His Dr really knocked him straight on this front, helping him to see that because *I* knew my status and was on the supressants and watching my body, he was at no more risk, and possible less risk, being with me than dating and jumping in bed with a new partner unless they both got tested before intimacy (which most people don't do).

 

Your idea of taking him to your Dr is a really good one, so that he can ask them any questions he may have. Give him the handouts ahead of time, and send him here so he can ask us anything he wants ... then he can get the last questions answered and clarified by a health care professional.

 

Again, give him, and yourself, time to adjust to your "new normal". We have had people on here who have been in very long term relationships and not passed it on to their H- partner. The vast majority of new cases are from people who have no idea they have H ... so you guys are well ahead of the game..

 

Bravo to you!

 

(((HUGS)))