Advice for first sexual encounter post diagnosis please!

[Athena]

So, my best friend and I have recently broken up with our respective ex's....and he's coming to visit me next week. We have liked each other for the past four years but have always been with other people with bad timing. He was my main source of support as I was going through the shock and adjustment to H and was thus subject to all my crying, bitching and newly acquired information on the subject. We've discussed being intimate and he says that my condition DOESN'T CONCERN HIM!! (Really???) I've told him about all the stats, ways to transmit it and that i'm on supressive therapy.

 

Question: Have I done all that I should morally do? There is obviously full disclosure and information that i've told him. What else could I do to protect him? How the heck to I get rid of this anxiety that I may give it to him? I feel blessed to be able to have my first partner post diagnosis be someone who I trust that won't make me feel like a monster and who I know both respects, cares AND accepts this about me. I would feel just awful if I gave this to him though. Please advise <3

[whitedaisies]

OK....well, I haven't done the disclosure thing yet, but I read your post and I just think wow! How wonderful that all this is happening to you. The man you confided in with all your angst, worry, fear, despair is also the man who accepts and supports you and wants to have sex with you.....you are a lucky lady....your lightyears beyond me.

 

So not coming with any experience; I would say, you have done more than you "should" do....you have confided all your intimate and vulnerable feelings to him......wow....and likely uncensored because you were not "together" at the time. You are on suppressive therapy; you can use a condom...avoid sex during outbreaks and that's what you can do.

 

I know you are afraid to give it to him, but think of this.....you want to have sex, you want to have sex with someone you care deeply for and who cares deeply for you, him getting H or not getting H doesn't change that. Nobody wants to give it to someone and there are a lot of people who are married years wiht H that haven't given it to their partners; really the risk is low. Dancer likely will quote some statistics, but you can look at the handouts for now.

 

Someone told me when I was stressing soooo much about giving this virus to someone....they said "you are not responsible for the existence of this virus". Wow! that spoke volumes to me. No, I am not responsible that it exists and that I have it. I just have to do everything I can not to give it to someone. Relinquish the responsibility of the existence of the virus and that is how you will decrease your anxiety. But of course, don't relinquish the responsibiity of protecting him which you are doing.

 

Good LUck

[myfiercecalm]

You talked about the morality of the situation. It sounds like he knows you well and has had the chance to make his own decision regarding intimacy with you. You are even on suppressants. I know a girl with hsv2 who doesn't use suppressants and her boyfriend hasn't gotten hsv2. There is always some risk of transmission though. Of course we don't want to transmit it to anyone, but it sounds like you have been totally honest with him, and he accepts you for who you are. He is making a choice too, and because you have been honest with him, his choice is well informed. Not all of us were so lucky. It sounds like you both will have a great time together. Enjoy it!

[WCSDancer2010]

@Athena

 

You certainly have done all you need to do. Your friend knows the situation, has seen you go through it all, has supported you and still care deeply for you and sees your beauty for what it is. He's an adult and is capable of adult decision making. If you feel you need to give him stats, print out the handouts so you know he has something reliable about the risks, but it doesn't sound like he's going to be put off by anything you show him. So revel in the fact that someone love YOU .. and it seems that nothing will change that for him. And that is beautiful ;)

 

Look at it this way ... you KNOW you have it (80% of people with H don't know they have it) so you can take measures to protect him ... the vast majority of new cases of genital herpes is from people who had no idea that they had it ... given you are on suppressive therapy, you know your symptoms, and you can elect to use condoms (and SHOULD until you SEE his STD results ... and he should see yours for all the other STD's), you are, in a weird sorta way, safer than most people.

 

So believe that he's made an adult CHOICE to be with you, make sure that you protect yourself until you exchange STD results, and HAVE FUN!!!

 

 

((HUGS)))

[Athena]

@all I cannot say enough how appreciative and grateful I am for this forum and community. There is so much positivity, encouragement and support it's a little overwhelming and rather beautiful. I'm finding that i'm taking EVERY opportunity when talking with friends to discuss just how common H is and WHAT it actually is...a skin cold (more or less). It's AMAZING how many people treat it like the boogy man until they know! I haven't gotten up the courage to disclose to people about my status but I like to think that i'm helping educate other people to not be scared and to be aware.

 

As for my friend...I know that it won't lead to an actual relationship at this point in our lives as our paths have diverged, but I do feel very blessed to have someone who has love for me, has seen me through all the crying and cursing as well as the objectivity and STILL wants to experience intimacy with me EVEN THOUGH he knows that it will not lead to a relationship! Do you guys tend to call your partners a few days after to check-in and make sure they are ok?

[myfiercecalm]

Hi Athena, feels odd to type this, but I haven't had a partner since I was diagnosed several months ago. But when I do come out of my hermit shell, I will try to give them info up front, let them decide, and then offer support if they have questions. So no, I won't bring it up afterwards unless they want to discuss something and ask. But if it makes you feel better, I dont thing there is anythi anything wrong with a follow up.

[Athena]

Update: He's coming next Monday! We've talked even more about it and he's still more than ok with it :D I'm really excited!

[whitedaisies]

Wow!!!!!

 

Soooooo happy for u Athena.

 

Enjoy!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

So happy for you! Keep us posted!

[Athena]

Update: He JUST left. After WEEKS of talking about it, about going THERE with my best friend. He came and spent three days here. Laughter, good food, friends, took him to his first nude beach with two of my girlfriends :D. Good trip. First night we were both nervous. Not about the sex but about the smallest little kiss that'd cross the line between friends to..closerrrrrrrrrrrr friends. Here's the jist: He knew, he was ok with and educated about it and we both wanted it. We were intimate and it was so COMFORTABLE. so nice. BUT, we did NOT have sex. He asked how I felt about it and I told him that it hasn't yet been 6 months since diagnosis and I want to be as careful as possible so, i'm not ready. He said he wanted to be with me like that very much but that he respects me and whatever decision I make, that he wasn't mad or disappointed but that he supports and is there for me. You know what?! What @Dancer has said is true!!!! We were JUST AS INTIMATE IF NOT MORESO just exploring each other in THAT way. We didn't have sex. We were closer than that. I can't really explain how I feel right now. HERPES IS NOT AN AUTOMATIC DENIAL. IT IS A...GIFT? WTF? A GIFT? You really do find out about who really gives a shit about you and what their real intentions are. Someone who really cares about you...won't give a flying fuck. I'm the one that said no...not him. He still wanted to. It wasn't even a concern. This was the best possible outcome that could have occurred and i'm happy for knowing that herpes...can actually have a beautiful silver lining. Be happy and have hope <3

[whitedaisies]

Wow!!!!!

 

Soooooo happy for u Athena.

[WCSDancer2010]

This is awesome!!!

 

We were JUST AS INTIMATE IF NOT MORESO just exploring each other in THAT way.

 

I'm just starting to see a guy and we are in the same stage... just stayed at his place last night ... and it was so nice to be intimate without worrying about going "there" just yet.

 

Sooo happy for you :)

 

[normalprofessional]

Thank you for sharing! I come to this site every day in hopes to read stories like these to keep myself in a good state of mind during the healing process. it's these stories that lift me up. One day I will be sharing my success story with you all :)

[normalprofessional]

@dancer Happy to hear you're seeing a new guy! Keep us posted!

[whitedaisies]

Someone will have to give me pointers as I am clueless as to how u can be totally intimate without sex. I mean I get it but I need specifics. Please pm me as maybe it's too detailed lol

[WCSDancer2010]

LOL - @whitedaisies ...

 

Intimacy is a whole lot of things ... kiss, touch, stroking, back scratches, massage, etc. We did a lot of heavy duty making out .... but the pants stayed on... ;)

 

 

[whitedaisies]

I am sooo glad u r getting some.

 

Hoping its me soon thx for the tips. I will use them. Lol