How do I help my Son who has herpes

[Whattodo]

My 23 year old son found out he has herpes 2 months ago, he is on medication and also went to a naturopath and is on many different remedies he is trying to follow a healthily diet and do everything possible to avoid an outbreak unfortunately he has just had an outbreak and also has the beginning of cold sores on his lip he is absolutely devastated and says things that scare me like he can't live with this and wants to disappear, I am at a loss and don't know how to help him, I would love any advice anyone could give me

Thank you

[willow]

First things first.. welcome! And hello!

 

Next, u need to help him understand that not only is what he is feeling 100% normal. Its also almost 90% normal to have herpes. Oral or gennital. Or both.

And that jes lucky to know he has it cuz 80% of the population has it.. and 80% of the population who has it doesnt know it.

 

Ask hime to join the forum! He can make up an alias, for example im obiously not Willow, ... he can let out all his anger. And all his frustration. And as loving as you are, i know this from the strength u have in asking and joining, he may not be able to ask or vent to u, only because if u dont have it, its hard to relate to. I told my parents and bless their souls, amazing support, dad was missinformed tho and it sucked trying to talk to them. They didnt understand the pain (emotional and physical)

 

At least show him @Adrial's video. Its only 8 mins oing and i watched probably 10 timeos. http://m.youtube.com/results?q=herpes%20fact%20video&sm=3

 

He needs to know that hes not alone. Not at all. And its not life threateneing.

He might take a couple weeks... or months... but hell change his mind from "omg my life is over" to... "thank god i have this, im so much stronger now!"

 

I was diagnosed jan 3rd this year. Im 24.

 

And let him know its skin to skin. Not toilet seats or saliva... bad rumurs about herpes out there.

hope this helps xox

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@Whattodo

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Willow is right ... as much as we parents want to make everything "better" for our children, sometimes they need another person to help them through. So send him to us... we specialize in helping people who are recently diagnosed in getting through the first weeks and months while they adjust to their "new normal".

 

In fact, if you come across as trying to help him to "fix" this, it just feeds into his feeling that he's broken and dirty. We can't "fix" this virus ... we just have to learn to live with it ... and that takes support and time and a lot of love. So what YOU can do right now is just tell him you love him no matter what, and try to get him to join here ... and you can look for local support groups too ... we have a list here: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-support-groups/

 

We have a LOT of young people on here and we will help you both through this .... do know that his reaction is VERY normal (which makes me very sad and frustrated with the medical community, but that's another issue). He needs time to adjust and someone like us to help him get educated and to realize he is FAR from alone. 60% of young people have the "cold sore" version of HSV by his age, usually caught as a young child (I got it at age 3 from some kid in playschool or whatever) or as a young adult from kissing. If he has the genital one, 15-20% of people have that one by age 49. He needs to understand that the only reason he feels alone is that pretty much everyone (except a few people like me who are out) hides or doesn't know about their status. We can help him to see that here. So send him to us. We'll take care of your boy ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[whitedaisies]

Always great advice here and lots of support.

 

I didn't have the greatest experience with my parents and it's wonderful that I chose to get educated about it and come to this forum so u could help him

 

My advice would be don't tell him he can rid himself of the virus. My mom told me that and I wanted to shoot her. Like dancer said we have to learn to live with it and the best thing u can do is show him this site, give him lots of hugs and love, maybe cook his favourite dinners Andorra importantly ask him what he needs from u instead of u guessing. My mom would always do what she wanted to do for me instead of what I wanted so we always ended up in scraps.

 

U are doing the right things. Send him here. I love everyone here. People who overcome a diagnosis like herpes tend to become so much richer people who are way more accepting of others and show lots of empathy.

[Whattodo]

Thank you so much for all your feed back it means a lot. I am encouraging him to join this site, I hope he will because I am sure it will help him

He is just still very upset I hope with time he will be able to start to help himself

 

[Unbroken]

We are legion, whattodo. He has a skin condition that we all share and are managing.

[whitedaisies]

You are a great mom....he will be ok. It takes time. Some people longer than others.

 

 

[Whattodo]

I had really hoped my son would join this site however he seems to be sinking into a depression and isolating himself from his friends and interests things seem to be getting worse not better for him and I don't know what to do

[whitedaisies]

My parents had an intervention of sorts. They waited for me at home when I came home from work...they told me they were taking me to hospital so I could get help for depression. I fought it but I knew that I needed Meds and help.

 

Find a way to get him on Meds for depression. That is it first goal. Once he gets out of that horrible dark hole, he will be able to see a bit of light.

 

Also, tell him to private message me if he doesn't want to post a discussion. I can try to help him that way. It is private, no one on site will see it, just me.

 

I went thru all the same things was in a pit of despair and contemplated suicide for a month. I know what it's like to go dark. I am lighter now. Still struggling but lighter

 

Tell ur son I want to listen to him...all his fears....I will not judge....I know where he is too well....

 

Xo

[WCSDancer2010]

@Daisy is right - you are the parent and you may need to just take him somewhere to get help. And he can also PM me too. I did an intervention with my oldest daughter ... she was starting to exhibit some poor judgement patterns and we sent her to a camp for 9 weeks that helped her to start to see life from a healthier POV. Sounds like he needs professional help.... you can't do this on your own...

 

((HUGS))

[havefaith427]

I was diagnosed back in March on me and my bf's 1 yr anniversary! I was devastated!!! I of course questioned if he cheated, but then I was told that it could go up to 10 years without any outbreaks!!! I was so devastated when I found out though... I couldn't eat or sleep for over a week! I lost 10 lbs in a week. My bf is in the military so I don't get to see him everyday. I was finally relieved when I got to see him and I just hugged him and bawled my eyes out while he held me in his arms.... He told me that everything was ok and that he still loved me no matter what. My best friend even made me feel amazing because the very next day she was drinking after me lol. I was shocked because I figured no one would want to do that even though my outbreaks are below. Plus I was not as knowledgeable (lack for a better word) in the condition. Now my friend is like its just a cold sore, nothing to be ashamed of. I work for a doctor and I told her and how embarrassed I was and she laughed... not in a bad way though, she laughed because she knows people with herpes and said that she never met anyone as embarrassed as I was about it. Your son can always contact me if he would like and I can help him in anyway possible. I am pretty young as well I am only 29... so maybe if he knows people around his age have it then he wont feel as ashamed.

[willow]

Have u been able to at least get him to watch the video link i posted? Has he read the facts and stats?

 

Remind him that this site isnt a cult, he can bitch, and banter all he wants to us, with us, and all we're really gonna do is listen. Because most if us DO understand. Most of us have been, or are still struggling through depression since our diagnosis.

I tried to commit suicide. I drank 26 in less than half hr, empty stomach. It didnt work. I spent every damn dime i worked so hard for on hard liquor.

I drove up a mountain, to a beautful lake. I cried and I screamed for 2 hours. I waited, for anything to happen, boulder avalanch, tree falll, coyotee, bear, couger attack. Nothing. I see crazy life threatning events happen every time im at that lake, and nothing. Thats when i knew i wssnt supposed to die yet. I joined this site a few days later...

 

Also, you can private message adrial, i hear hes an amazing life coach, he might be able to help via skype!?

He can p.m. me too

 

Alot of discussions here lately have been about disclosure. Maybe... you could print out the e-book and hand outs, and potentally, disclose to your son, how h rrealy isnt a big deal!?

 

And as awkward as sex talk *might be* ... encourage him, let him know sex is STILL an option, he can still fool around too, foreplay isnt out of the door either. Once he learns facts from trusted sites like this one, all he has to do is let his future partner know some stats about the virus,

And then the fun can begin! And hell most likely have more success than failure when it comes to disclosing..

 

He will be fine, try to get him in here! Ill be honest; this forum helped me more than a therapist/councelor, this forum, can help him, this forum can change his life.

 

[whitedaisies]

Beautiful heartfelt post willow.

 

Mom, print the post out and have him read it.

 

Tell him we are here for him we are a very loving and accepting community.

 

Xo

[willow]

Thanks miss daisy! Yours are too! ☺

[WCSDancer2010]

Actually, I think Adrial may be just what your son needs (and maybe you yourself for starters ) ... You can work with him via Skype ... and he's an amazing life coach... I've personally seen him in action and I'm sure he can help you! You can contact him here:

 

http://adriallifecoaching.com/coaching-rates.php

or PM him on here at

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/profile/1/Adrial+%28Mr.+H+Opp%29

[seeker]

whattodo, hey I cant say anything that hasn't been said already. I offer myself if he want to talk. im an older male so if he needs a male to talk to I will. PM me if you want. im only 5 weeks or such since my diagnosis so im not that far ahead of him timewise.

 

and its great your doing what you can to help. my mother suffrs from depression so I cant confide in the one person on this planet who will love me no matter what cause it will hurt her and send her down a spiral and I cant do that to her. he is a lucky son.

[Whattodo]

Wow I am so touched by all your heart felt responses, thank you so much everyone it means so much

[whitedaisies]

Please print them out and get him To read them. We are here for you both

 

Xo