6 years on.

[Amillionthings]

Hi

 

Ive been away for a while on here. I check in every so often. But find sometimes it makes me feel better and other times worse. The moral judgement to always be upfront. I too think its the right thing to do- but i dont like to read about it...because im not strong enough to cope with a possible rejection.

 

I got myself busy. So busy I never have time for myswlf. I've made new friends. Seen old friends. Been to new places.

 

6 years since the day I got herpes....in any spare second or minute I have; I think about it.

 

I was an attractive, funny, outgoing and very confident 24 year old

 

At 24 I got herpes

 

I turned into a young woman who thanks to herpes suffered with severe depression, self-loathing, and wanted to die. I feel self loathing, disgust. And have looked in the mirror and felt true hate of myself. Since I was knowingly given herpes by another human being- i trust no-one. Why should I.

 

No matter what I do I hear the herpes jokes, I feel the shame because I am reminded how completely unattractive, how repellant having a virus on your genitals is to other people. It also disgusts me. 6 years on and i still get outbreaks. Anti virals are nothing. Its still in my body- i will always be infectious. Its vile.I have to sit through girly chats with friends about guys....and I lie and pretend I am not interested. I lie all the time. It upsets me everytime. At my age all anyone talks about and wants to know is...why are you single?. I have to pretend all the time that I am happy on my own. I am not. I am miserable about it. I hate it. I feel like a freak.

 

On top of this. I do not trust men. Part of me dislikes them. Despite some great male friends I have.

 

I have no problem making friends. I am popular.

 

My fear of disclosure, of the severe anxiety of anything to do with disclosing, meeting someone. Is too much to bare.

 

I am so emotionally wounded that I dont believe I deserve to meet someone. They are meeting the damaged person I have become. Not the confident, attractive, sexy and worry free person I used to be.

 

Herpes has ruined years of my life. Its like a disease in my brain. The first thing I think of when I wake up, the last thing before I try to sleep. I hate it. And when i feel im getting somewhere with it....theres a girly chat, a herpes comment, another day alone to remind me; Im not a normal fun loving 29 year old. I wish I could be me, the old me. I liked who I was, i enjoyed being me.

 

For 6 years ....ive been coping, surviving, lying to cover over the pain.I take no pride in me.

 

Im sick of being alone. I want to be the old me. Some damage is so deep- it cannot be un-done.

 

depressing to read. But i like to be honest

 

thanks

[whitedaisies]

This post made me sad. :(

 

Friend please don't be so hard on urself. Yes herpes is no fun in terms of all the physical stuff. But u have control of the emotional stuff. You are not disgusting or vile....u r still beautiful....the same girl is in there somewhere, forgive her for getting herpes. Give her a hug and move on.

 

You have been punishing urself for the existence of this virus bc u r so mad u got it. U have toget passed the anger to heal.

 

You are going to be alone forever if u let urself stay where u are. Trust me I have had constant outbreaks for 8 months....weekly....antivirals no help either....it's disseminated in me....it always could be worse.

 

You will find someone but first u have to want to find someone.

 

Hugs. Xo

[WCSDancer2010]

@Amillionthings

 

Honey... I have to be straight with you. Herpes didn't ruin your life. Besides the inconvenience and admitted occasional pain of an OB, your life should be pretty normal. You didn't lose a limb, get paralyzed, brain damaged, Cancer, etc. People can't even see it like burns, psoriasis, or other scars. What is keeping you from a "normal life" in is your buying into the stigma.

 

Have you tried any kind of therapy? I really suggest that you do. Or if you can arrange it, come join us at the Herpes Opportunity weekend www.herpesopportunity.com. This weekend sounds like just what you need ... a kick-start to help you to learn how to get those thoughts out of your head that you are firmly holding onto ... the shame, disgust, feelings of betrayal ... you don't HAVE to live with them!

 

I feel the shame because I am reminded how completely unattractive, how repellant having a virus on your genitals is to other people. It also disgusts me. 6 years on and i still get outbreaks. Anti virals are nothing. Its still in my body- i will always be infectious. Its vile.

 

So tell me something.... do you find ME "unattractive ... repellent ... disgusting ... vile"? Or Adrial? or whitedaisies? Or anyone else on here? Or is it just you? And if it's just you, WHY? What makes you so different that H makes YOU vile but not the rest of us? You see, there is something, probably a LOT deeper here, that is causing you to allow Herpes to convince you that you are not lovable. You may have been popular in the past (and even now to those who don't know) but as you are living a lie right now, I wonder if the person you were pre-herpes was hiding some other hurt but had learned to act in a way that fooled you into believing you were just fine?

 

You see, if YOU are all those negative things, so is 20% of the population ... 80% or more if you include those with Oral Herpes. 100% if you include all STD's (because the CDC says that we will ALL get HPV at some point in our life tho we may not know it). We are ALL "damaged goods" in some way or other. Very few people manage to escape life without *something* that they could (and many do) latch onto and believe that the "damage" makes them unlovable, dirty, unattractive, or vile. Rape victims. Anyone who has lived with abuse. Addictions. Accidents. Dysmorphic syndromes. We are ALL dented, scratched, and patched together from our negative life experiences.

 

Although I expect you may not be able to understand this, we all have the CHOICE to buy into the stigma, or to look ourselves in the mirror and say "I have a virus in an inconvenient place. However I got it, it is just a virus. I am still me. Those who matter will still love ME, with or without the virus. I am beautiful. I am worthy of live and happiness."

 

This, my friend, is not about the virus.... it's about something, somewhere, that caused you to flip a switch that was likely already at least half way to "off". The virus was just the catalyst. I hope you will join us at the H Opp weekend. I know it would transform your life.

 

(((HUGS)))

[WCSDancer2010]

You inspired todays Blog post friend... I hope you can get something from what I wrote:

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/kintsukuroi-celebrating-in-your-brokenness/

[Amillionthings]

Hi Dancer,

 

Yes, you're right. I have had and I am having to deal with other things in my life. Im so hurt by others, I don't feel I can be repaired- the emotional abuse is too deep. I have so many great friends...and all I want is to be in a happy relationship. I feel so alone. No matter what I do. Im just weak- a person can only be strong for so long

 

I feel so hurt and let down by other people. I have so much emotional baggage and with H in top- who will love me and take all that on. I believe you need to take risks, to just go for it in life- but i am frightened. I am too vulnerable.

 

i appreciate your words everytime dancer. I hope you are well.

 

And no, I dont think everyone else are all those things. Just me.

 

I will read your article now.

 

Xx

[WCSDancer2010]

And no, I dont think everyone else are all those things. Just me.

 

Can you see the madness of that statement??? ;)

 

 

[Amillionthings]

Because ive been told by people who 'love' me; that i need to change if a guy is going to like me. Ive been told that theres something wrong with me. Ive been picked on when im feeling great and brought down to the lowest feelings possible. And ive been dragged down when ive tried to pick myself up. I just don't know what have done to deserve this. I know deep down its not me with the problem...and im told this by people who care about me. But emotional abuse cuts like a knife. So does being used for sex, being raped, being given an incurable sti by a person who had it there, knowingly giving it to me. I then finally allow myself to let someone in, i disclose and its great. Im then back to being alone; im wondering when its all just going to work out? It must be me, if all these things happen. Or am i just unlucky? Am i just suppose to suck it up and accept it all? Life is full of bumps in the road for everyone; and there is always someone worse off. I try to think of this all the time. But only I walk in my shoes, i have to live with me. Its tough living in the shoes of someone you don't want to be and having people who its impossible to cut away from. Because that too, hurts. It a no win situation and its only me that suffers.

 

All in all, i have lost faith in others. I dont trust men. I dont trust people who i should be able to trust. I hate that there are always hurdles to over come. I know its life...but i dont deserve all this. Its hard enough without H.....and H has just made it even worse. I have a permanent reminder; that I wasnt worth something, that its ok to abuse me. That im not worthy of loving and that its ok to do whatever you want to me.

 

being alone and I have so much love to give another person. When will i be good enough? It hurts Dancer.

 

x

 

 

[Amillionthings]

Maybe this above will help to explain why that statement doesnt seem 'mad' to me x

[WCSDancer2010]

When will i be good enough?

 

You are good enough RIGHT NOW :)

 

So really, this isn't about Herpes ... Herpes is just a good reason now for everything that you have been convinced about by others to be "right" ...

 

Are you in therapy friend? Can you make the H Opp weekend? Really, I get it, you have been around people who have convinced you that you are undeserving of love and a beautiful life. What you need now is to be surrounded by people who will lift you up and help you see just how beautiful you are. How you have allowed your PAST (which is behind you) to color your present and your future. And how you CAN let it all go.

 

ANYONE who tells you that you have to change doesn't "love" you. I know people who have been in abusive relationships and how the other manipulates you. But remember, they were MANIPULATING you ... and that says NOTHING about how beautiful you are... it just says volumes about how ugly and insecure THEY are (because those people manipulate because THEY feel they have to control others to be loved... you see, *they* are f*cked up too ;( )

 

You did NOTHING to "deserve" that ... I'm certainly not a shrink but odds are something long before that made you look for love in the wrong person, that's all. AND, you can work on changing that belief, because that's all it is.

 

You will have to learn to trust YOURSELF first before you learn to trust a man ... and that will take some work.

 

(((HUGS))) friend. YOU are BEAUTIFUL. You just can't see it. Yet. Come to the H Opp weekend.... we'll help you to see that there is another way to live .. ;)

 

 

[Amillionthings]

I wish I could afford to go the weekend, unfortunately its not an option for me, I can imagine how great it is.

 

I have so many good friends who care about me. I make new friends with ease and people live to be around me. I am caring and kind and know how to have fun. The people who have hurt me are family- if it wasnt I could cut them away. But I can't. Its a catch 22- i have to have contact as this person is so controlling; it also means if i cut them off i dont see my dad. And i love my dad. Its a very difficult situation.

 

It is hard to stomach that it is my family who have treated me like this. I am so loving and caring it has hurt me beyond words, to my core. Im always an easy target. I feel that being nice doesnt get you very far- its a weakness others pounce on. Im always the friend...never the girlfriend. Im the single friend who never dates. Who isnt with anyone.

 

I didnt look for love for the wrong person. I trusted someone and they abused it. Then it happens agaon, and again. Its a pattern. But to disclose, to find love, I have to trust. Can you see why it is such an issue. If i cant trust someone, i cant be vulnerable. I dont believe i wont get hurt again.

 

Thankyou so much Dancer, you are a very kind hearted person. Xx

[myfiercecalm]

I just wanted to second what Dancer said, especially the part about not doing anything to "deserve" what happened to you. I struggle with the same thing still some days, but it can get better. You have to learn to forgive the past (including yourself) if you want a better future. Again, advice I need to take myself every day.

 

"The first thing I think of when I wake up, the last thing before I try to sleep". - That is how many of my days begin and end as well, and, I imagine, that's true for many people with H. One thing that might help you is the thought that any man who is worthy of being in your life will accept all the things you have told us and anything else that you may view as a problem about yourself (hence the expression "worts and all" - no pun intended ;).

 

I'm 28 with HSV2. I think I understand at least part of what you are going through. All your friends are getting married. Hell, all the friends you thought would NEVER get married are getting married. But being in a long term relationship is just one state of being. There are other ways to find happiness in the meantime if you learn to love yourself more.

 

"At my age all anyone talks about and wants to know is...why are you single?."

That just sounds like you may be around a lot of boring people. There is nothing wrong with you for being single. In fact, I think it's really cool to be late 20s and single. It shows character that we aren't willing to settle for anything less than a person we truly love and who loves us now and always. So give yourself a break, and enjoy your fun, single freedom while you can because your Mr. Right is going to find you when you least expect it :)

[whitedaisies]

Ok....u r in the self pity part of herpes....another hurdle on top of the many u have. Been there....sometimes visit there once in a while. More lately than I care to admit.

 

But I will tell u this.....only u can control the people who surround u....only u can impact ur life in a positive way. It's scary how much control we hbe b that means we are preventing ourselves from finding happiness....sabotaging it.

 

Don't sabotage ur life. Be down and then start fightin again!!! Definitely some have worse off than others, no question. But wallowing it for too long will only guarantee that u will stay there and that's it!!!!

 

So it sucks. I hate it. But I know one day it will get easier. I know that I am worthy for love and someone out there I worthy of my love. The same goes for u. Why would u be any different? What makes u more horrible than I? Nothing!!!! Absolutely nothing!

 

So let urself be down for a moment, cry and be mad!!!!! Then pick urself up, u have endured lots , u can endure more and pretty soon u will realize u are not enduring anything....that u are actually living!!!

 

Lots of hugs

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm not there so I can't tell what's happening in the family dynamic but perhaps it's time that you set up some boundaries and let them know that you won't tolerate being treated with anything but respect. For some people, they will treat you badly as long as you allow it.... and when you stand up to them they will stop immediately.

 

I run dance events and there is another event organizer who is a very big ex-Marine and he's a bully at times. He's tried it with me a few times and I've looked him in the eye and let him know he doesn't scare me one bit and now he treats me with respect ... but I know plenty who he walks all over.

 

The other thing.... don't take what any of the ugly, negative people say about you personally. It has NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with them. When you can get that to your core, and they see that they are not having an effect on you, you'd be amazed at how quickly they stop that behavior.

 

Love YOURSELF enough to not allow ANYONE to treat you badly.... ever ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Amillionthings]

@myfierce and @whitedaisies...thankyou so much for your words.

 

I know dancer. Ive dealt with lots of those kinds of people. And I do what you do. Im soft but i can play the tough guy when i need to. I couldnt give two shits about those people....ive cut people off and out my life without a second glance bk. I wish it was so simple at home. There is more to it...and i dont want to post it on here. But it hurts more than any cold sore ever could or will.

 

i did my nails and dyed my hair. I put on a little make up and decided i was going to have a good day

 

im in a new place of work today- im at the end of my shift. And a guy comes to take over. He glanced down and said, confidentally and with a level of suprise... 'you're beautiful'. It wasnt a pissed up bar, it wasnt some seedy drunk guy trying to get with me or buy me a drink or even chat me up or get my number. It was just a normal guy who had never seen me before. It put a smile on my face. And i accepted the compliment....without feeling like fraud or disguisting. It made my morning :)

 

A new friend msgd me yesterday and said they miss me, another text to say thankyou and that they love me, another to tell me that they are pleased we met and made friends.

 

I know im likeable. I just am trying to deal with heartbreaking emotional abuse at the closet level of a family relationship. I am trying to grasp on to these good things as i try to deal with much harder things.

 

i want you to know i try everyday

 

xxf

[whitedaisies]

Wow. How wonderful to hear that u r beautiful.

 

I am thrilled that u try and pretty soon it will get easier.

 

Hugs to u!!

[WCSDancer2010]

And i accepted the compliment....without feeling like fraud or disguisting. It made my morning

 

That's a HUGE step ....

 

Sorry you have family abuse ... just remember it's not at all about YOU. If you can get to a point of not being attached to how they are or *should be*, maybe the hurt won't be as deep ... this is the one thing I can say that turned *my* life around, so maybe it will help you ... (((HUGS)))

 

http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/

[Amillionthings]

I thought about H a few minutes after he said it. But blocked it out. I just wanted to enjoy that moment.

 

Dancer I will read the article- thank you.

 

The hurt is deep - my heart is broken. I am trying to come to terms with accepting it is what it is. Tonight I laid down the law with the person who has damaged me. I cannot suffer anymore of this upset- nothing will ever be the same. I have to put myself first from now on. I'm the only person who has my back all of the time. I wont let myself down, even if others do.

 

x

[WCSDancer2010]

Tonight I laid down the law with the person who has damaged me.

 

That's another HUGE step ... good for you. Clear, healthy boundaries are necessary in life, especially with those who abuse them. Just remember that we are not ALL like that... ok?

 

(((HUGS)))

[Amillionthings]

Anyone else I let in my life isnt like that. I choose my friends wisely :)

 

X

[whitedaisies]

Congrats!!!!

 

Xo

[Amillionthings]

Thanks @whitedasies. I appreciate the time youve taken to write on this x

[whitedaisies]

My pleasure.

[Amillionthings]

:) x