Don't know what to do...

[bookworm]

I'm in a situation and I don't know what to do, what to say, how to feel.... It's been 5 months since my diagnosis and the thought of sharing my story with a special someone terrifies me. Reading posts here and having hbuddies has helped because I can write freely exactly what I feel not afraid of being judged. My fear from the day I found out I had H has been what would happen when I found someone. And right now, I'm scared.

 

I've had this friend who has had interest in me for a while, we kept being friends and talking normally... but two weeks ago we went out and we ended up at his apartment. I've been alone for a while now and with all this H thoughts in my head that prevent me from socializing. I knew what I had. I knew what was happening. And I let it happen. I didn't and still don't have any OB and he used protection.

 

I've been torturing myself for that night ever since. I really like the guy, and he wants us to keep seeing each other.... But, now what? How can I tell him now that something already happened? Should I have said something before and then let it be his choice to keep on? I'm so confused on how this works. It's easy to think that a lot of people know they have it and don't tell; it's easy to think that the person who gave it to me didn't care and tell me... but I don't want to be that person. It affects me to think I can give it to someone else. But, on the other hand, I don't want everyone knowing what I have or judging because of their bad education on the subject.

 

He wants us to have trust in each other. He wants us to get to know each other to see if it develops into a serious relationship.

 

I told him I didn't believe being intimate again was a good idea and we should be just friends when what I really wanted to say was that I would love to take a leap of faith with him. He asked why, of course I didn't say. He tells me to not reject something it hasn't even started, to give it a try, at my own pace. He is a really good guy in a lot of ways, someone I would really want to spend time with. But I don't know if could deal right know with any type of rejection.

 

My conscience yells at me to tell him, but I don't know if it's the right move after having already had sex, I'm scared he would freak out even if I was careful.

 

Advice. PLEASE.

 

 

[whitedaisies]

Ok....yes, you should have told him before you had sex....I get it though, it's so tough to tell someone that secret...especially a friend....so I totally empathize with you there. But really, what's happening is you are letting herpes prevent you from getting what you want and you are letting it cloud your judgment.

 

You like this guy, you want to take a leap of faith, you want to tell him....then do it! You risk losing him either way...if you don't tell and stay friends you are not getting hte relationship you want, if you do tell him and he leaves then you still are not getting the relationship you want.....you see....BUT what if you tell him that you were so scared to lose him that you made a mistake that your feelings towards him clouded your judgment and allowed you to get caught up in the moment. You know now that it was wrong to do and you are sorry, and that you tell him that the virus has made you vulnerable to a lot of new feelings and emotions you are not used to. Tell him you value him so much that you want to be honest with him now and that you are so sorry. Tell him you have no OB and your experience with H so he knows the risks...educate him a bit and tell him if he wants to get tested, you would be happy to accompany him.

 

Just what I would want someone to say to me.....people make all kinds of mistakes...it's how you deal with the consequences that matter and if you learn from them.

 

I wish you all the best.....show your vulnerability but hold it together...you will be fine....promise.

 

Hugs

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@bookworm

 

First, I'm going to be 100% straight with you ... bringing out my Tough Love friend. It's not personal ... but it's what you need to hear.

 

How can I tell him now that something already happened? Should I have said something before and then let it be his choice to keep on?

 

Should you have told him? I think you know the answer. The vast majority of us on here have H because we were not given the "CHOICE to keep on".... and while you used a condom, that only gives you a 50% protection rate ... not 100%. Yes, the risk of his getting something was small, but we have people on here who got H with a condom on ... again most of whom were not given the chance to think about it first. If the other person says yes after you tell them, they have made an Adult, informed choice and if something happens they cannot blame you. They took a risk (just as it's always a risk to get in a car and go somewhere).

 

He wants us to have trust in each other. He wants us to get to know each other to see if it develops into a serious relationship.

 

ANY lie, IMO, even a "safe" one, early in a relationship, would make me wonder about continuing with someone. I have it right on my dating profiles that if a guy is lying about his age on the profile he better tell me in the FIRST communication, because if I find out otherwise later it may not be pretty.

 

At this point, you really do need to tell him .... he needs to know he needs to be tested if there is *any* kind of rash in the next few months and he should be blood tested anyway just for his own knowledge.

 

You have some cleaning up to do if you want to have any kind of relationship with him - friendship or otherwise.... because what kind of friend would put a friend at risk without telling them?

 

But I don't know if could deal right know with any type of rejection.

 

Look - the "reaction" to rejection is painful - but most of it is actually an automatic response. If anything, he would now reject you for your failure to he honest with him rather than about the Herpes issue. But that is his RIGHT and you need to get those Big Girl panties on and come clean. He *may* freak out. He *may* choose to end the relationship. Odds are he won't be delighted, that's for sure. But if you speak from the HEART - tell him you were scared and tired of being alone and just convinced yourself that it was ok if you used a condom but you realize that was not fair to him even tho his risk is small, he *may* appreciate the fact that you have let yourself be totally vulnerable with him, and everything may work out just fine.

 

Check these links out about rejection ... it may help you to feel better about the possibility and dealing with it:

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

I did that once (before I knew about asymptomatic shedding) - had sex with a condom once - then told the guy. HE was the one that told me about it (so we were both freaking out because that was new news to me and I didn't know what it meant for me and relationships) ... it took him a month to chill out and decide he still wanted to be with me .. we were together for 3 yrs and I broke it off for other reasons. So it's not necessarily true that he will choose to end the relationship ... but he has the right to know, no matter what.

 

(((HUGS))) friend. Get those Big Girl panties on....you know what you need to do

[hamathias]

This has just happened to me to. Almost a week ago. Caught up in a moment after being celibate for 3 years. It took me by surprise, as I was expecting to lead into it. I really like this guy and yep feeling guilty and worried that he won't talk to me again. Thank you for the "harsh" words. I needed to hear it as well. I started to get a false sense of hope. I have HSV 1 and was hearing some people say their doctor said they didn't have to say anything. But I think, what if this works out and we stay together and become serious. At some point, I will probably have an outbreak. You can't hide it forever from someone you are intimate with. Yes, I wish I knew how the heck I got it or from who. I wish I knew more about this before I got it. I wish I had the ability to make a choice.

 

You are not alone bookworm. We make mistakes because we are human. All we can do is learn from them and not repeat our mistakes. We both must be brave and be adult. Good luck to you. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one.

[WCSDancer2010]

@hamathias....

 

Exactly! Not only do they deserve to make the choice, you are quite correct that at some point you may have an OB and you'll have to fess up. . And it's not likely to go well at that point. ;)

 

(((Hugs)))

[bookworm]

thanks for the though love @WSCDancer2010. I know everything you tell me is right and true. I just needed to get what I did out from my system and tell people who would actually understand. I know I have to tell him, but I still decided to not pursue anything anymore. I haven't accepted this H thing yet. I think I have to first be more confident about it to tell someone and pursue a relationship. I hope this guy doesn't hate me after I tell him. I've been told that if a guy catches it from me I can always tell him I got it from him, but that's just not me... I'm not that kind of person.

 

@hamatias, thanks for writing ... i guess a lot of us make wrong choices because we miss being able to do things without the talk.... we miss being H free... we miss being able to be worry free... but that's not our reality anymore. My doctor also told me I didn't have to tell anyone, that the guy who gave this to me didn't tell me... I did that, and it's killing me. Once you don't tell, trust is gone. We do have to be brave and adults. That would be easier if people wouldn't be so disgusted and misinformed about what H is.

 

@whitedaisies thanks for those words, for the advice. You're definitely right, i am letting herpes prevent me from getting what I want and I am letting it cloud my judgment... i have to keep working on that... and the courage to have a talk with this guy.

 

 

 

 

[bookworm]

thanks for taking the time to read and reply... I'll post later how it goes

[seeker]

well as someone who got H from someone who didn't disclose and used a condom im with dancer, you need to make this right. something you may not have thought about, he is now out there, possible positive and hurting from an unexplained rejection from someone he put himself out to. that means in guy mind, he will sleep with everything that looks at him and could possibly pass it on. sorry to be a wet blanket but do you want that on your conscience??? you tell him, he waits while the 4 months for potential antibodies to build and gets tested you don't and the next woman he sleeps with could catch it.

[hamathias]

Thanks for the tough love. I hate that I haven't seen him to tell him. We usually get together during weekend as only time our schedules line up. Don't want to say it on the phone. We were in public last time I saw him and that is also not a good idea. This weekend he is going out of town and I'm going home. I'm trying to pray and be patient. Advice is welcomed on how you say it to someone. Because saying, "I'm a dick." Doesn't sound right, even though it's how I feel. Do you just take a deep breath and say "I have hsv 1 the virus that causes cold sores and I should've told you before now and I'm so sorry I made a mistake. I understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore, but I really hope you do because I like you a lot." ?

[whitedaisies]

Dancer will likely give you good advice here....I would say don't give an outcome in the talk like "I understand if you don't wnat to talk to me anymore....." don't plant the seed....

 

reread Dancer's and my posts ok?

[bookworm]

@seeker i get it, no one told me either and I was furious to say the least. believe me, i do get it. that's why i can't stop thinking about that day and the possibilities. I will find a way to tell him.

[WCSDancer2010]

@hamathias

 

Do you just take a deep breath and say "I have hsv 1 the virus that causes cold sores and I should've told you before now and I'm so sorry I made a mistake. I understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore, but I really hope you do because I like you a lot." ?

 

You said it about right - you need to own up to what happened, ask forgiveness, educate where needed, and accept the outcome. And I personally might just say something like "I know you may need time to think on this, but I feel you have the right to a choice about whether you want to continue to see me or not." rather than the "don't want to talk to me any more"... it's a softer way of giving them permission to walk away ... and I think it IS important to give them permission.... because when we disclose we put *them* into an awkward place ... they may not want to look like a dick for choosing to walk away if that is what is right for them ... letting them know that we will accept that actually works in our favor because they will realize that we have more integrity in our understanding of how the situation may affect them ;)

[bookworm]

@hamathias, @WCSDancer2010, @whitedaisies

 

I told him I needed to talk to him. So, the conversation will happen soon. I will let you know.

[whitedaisies]

Good luck. Xoxoxox

[WCSDancer2010]

(((HUGS))) @bookworm ....

 

We're all sending out good vibes that things will work out as they are meant to work out.

[hamathias]

I can't believe it, he wasn't even mad! I told him this past weekend. He said it's ok we all have something and we will just use precautions. If that's what I was worried about then not to. It's not a reason he would leave. Mind=blown

[whitedaisies]

Omg soon happy. Gees so many successful disclosure stories.

 

Hugs and kisses!!

[WCSDancer2010]

YAY Hamathias!!! Good for you!!!!!! Chalking up another Success Story!!!

[jetset_2002]

Don't under estimate the love, understanding and TOLERANCE from someone who is in love with you! I was scared to death to tell my partner..i feared she would leave me..but instead she responded with love and said that its no big deal, its a skin condition and it doesn't bother her. If she gets it, we deal with it then. Love conquers all..dont fear.

 

Maybe its a good test too, if you're with the right one he/she will accept you with your "weaknesses" including this silly skin condition, if not - well, they can show themselves out! :)

[Jennie]

This made my smile!(: Good for you! <3

[riverstyx]

That's really wonderful that he was so understanding. Good luck to you!

[Scared4this]

U said u never had an outbreak? So how were u diagnosed? If it's via blood test only... U need to research more or at least u owe it to ur self to know for sure what u have or don't have. Blood test is NOT perfect... Often time has false positive results due to other cross interactions with other antibodies. What were ur blood test # how do u know if ur hsv1 is genital ?

 

I know it's hard to be honest with H and I am trying to figure out my Hsv1 is oral or genital as I never had an outbreak either but I tested positive hsv1 both herpesselect and WB for HSV1 but I tested positive for hsv2 with herpesselect but negative via WB... So that goes to show some confirmatory test is always good thing to do if u have had no outbreak at all!

 

This is just my 2 cents and God bless, S

[bookworm]

thanks @WCSDancer2010

 

@hamathiasI'm sooooo happy to read that!!!!!! :D

 

Haven't had the chance to talk yet (he lives far away from me) but this gives me sooo muchhh hope... :D

 

@scared4this I didn't have an OB at the time. I've had 2 OB since the 1st time... First bloodtest came negative for hsv2 (nothing for hsv1) and when the second OB happened I got a culture done and it came back + for HSV1 (genital) ... two years in between... imagine that :/

[seeker]

bookworm, im so happy for you. I really hope all works out for you two. im even a little jealous to be honest. stories like yours make me realize it is possible to move on. he must really be into you, work at it. any good relationship requires WORK!!!!!!! something modern culture doesn't tell young people today. good luck and kudos. victory dance!