Disclosing the Deeper Parts of Me

[WCSDancer2010]

Most of you know that I'm 100% "out" about my Herpes status. So for ME, disclosure about Herpes is a non-issue.... anyone who contacts me and dates me knows up front about my status. It doesn't mean it's not discussed (I usually have to educate them) but it's not the big, hairy deal that it is for most of the readers and contributors on here for me. I'm fine with my status. Take me or leave me with my little H friend... ;)

 

Last weekend we discussed/explored Disclosure at the Herpes Opportunity Weekend. One young lady said something that totally helped me to see what the REAL crux of Disclosure is ... it's not really about the virus ... its about being vulnerable while trying to establish a relationship. About letting someone see something about you that may scare them off. And let me tell you friends, I have my own disclosure issues, and it's not about Herpes.

 

You see, I come across as a strong and powerful woman who is ok with who she is and what she stands for. And yes, I AM all that, but deep down inside me there is a little girl who just wants to be cherished and loved and adored. But somehow when that little girls peers out, she often appears as needy and clingy. When I am in the beginnings of a relationship, she throws some supreme temper tantrums (she's having a good one today) and convinces me to do stupid things like sending a text when I know I need to just stop it and wait to see if the other person steps up. She wants proof that she is lovable and she wants it NOW. And she's soooooo tired of being alone, but I sometimes wonder if her behavior is the reason we are alone. Or maybe her behavior is just helping to weed out the guys who won't step it up? I don't know. She and I are back in negotiations again ... trying to find some way to be at peace with each other ... and right now I'm not sure who's winning....

 

I just felt I had to post this for you folks who are struggling with YOUR disclosures. I wish that mine were as "simple" as just saying "I Have Herpes" and knowing that if someone walked, it wasn't about me, or the little girl who so desperately just wants to be loved, because for *me* ... not being honored when I ask for what I need to appease my little inner child (and she really IS easy to please!) is FAR more painful than having someone say "Well, thanks for the information but I think I'll pass" when they learn I have H. I know H has nothing to do with me and my inner child who is sitting in a corner right now wondering when it will be safe to come out again. AND, I know that perhaps she is just over-reacting right now and things may work out. But for me, right at this moment, I wish that my "only" disclosure was about H ... because I can deal with that one ;)

 

((HUGS)))

[willow]

Thanks for sharing something so personal about yourself!

Everyone has a skeleton in their closet, and everyone has different needs and wants, its all about trying to find that someone who fits the puzzle piece! And some unfortunatly are working on a different puzzle altogether!?!!!

 

I think its natural for anyone to seem "clingy" at some point because it shows that the "clingy one" cares and wants to hold onto what they see as a perfect fit! And sometimes the other may not see it that way

[Jennie]

@wcsdancer2010 Thank you for sharing, and just know that most of us have something more than herpes to disclose about (if we are brave enough). You are never alone in (I dare say) any experience. Someone out there is going through the exact same emotions. You were right by saying disclosing about herpes is the easy part.

 

This dating game is ridiculous and I find myself doing the same thing. Like, how badly I want to text him, but I've texted first the past five interactions... and then it jumps to holy shit are they losing interest? To, oh my God I am just not good enough. Along my journey of healing I found that I just used herpes as one of the reasons why I felt inadequate, but hello, I felt that way for far longer than knowing about having herpes.

 

Everyone wants to be loved and hell! Everyone deserves to be loved. Being vulnerable is terrifying but it is in those moments where our whole true selves shine through and that is the "us" that needs to be loved. If someone doesn't want that then they are not worthy.

[WCSDancer2010]

This dating game is ridiculous and I find myself doing the same thing. Like, how badly I want to text him, but I've texted first the past five interactions... and then it jumps to holy shit are they losing interest?

 

Yup - that's me right now ...LOL ... glad I'm not alone in that ;)

 

Good time to bring this link back to the forum (it's been around a few times :) )

 

http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible Ash Beckhams Closet Ted Talk

[lasko]

completly off topic but dancer do you happen to be a Sagittarius?

your story just reminds me of me

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Nope - I'm Cancer ... through and through :)

[willow]

@WCSDancer2010, thank you also for sharing that link, i loved her speach!

Quite the eye-opener!

[WCSDancer2010]

Yes - it's one of my favorites ... really makes you realize we ALL have something we are scared to reveal about ourselves to others ;)

[diversgirl]

Thanks for sharing Dancer. I have so many of the same feelings and emotions as you. Loneliness is so tough for me. I had a beautiful man who I was deeply in love with give me H. He knew and didn't disclose. That was tough to take, and yes he blew my trust for him right out of the water. I was so caught up in the anger and fear of H and its impact on my life, I forgot how much I wanted him in my life too. If only I could turn back time, just this once..... it wouldn't be the H that I would change, it would be to take better care of love.

[whitedaisies]

Divers girl

 

Things happen for a reason....so regret is not needed.

 

Look forward, not back as someone special is waiting for you.

 

Xo