Post Disclosure: How long did your partner take to decide it was ok?

[gardeniaflower]

Hi everyone,

 

I was wondering what your experience was with post-disclosure waiting time. I'm dating a guy and disclosed that I have H about a month ago (on the 4th date). The reaction was neutral. I waited for him to bring it up, but nothing (we're not having sex evidently, but we are spending a lot of time together). I brought it up after waiting about 20 days, and asked if he had any questions, etc. He didn't really have any, he said that he would get tested, but that it wasn't really a priority for him right now. It was a difficult conversation for me evidently. He's really great, we have a ton of fun together, but this is the elephant in the room.

 

In your experience, how long did you wait to bring it up again?

Did the person continue dating you for a long time and then come to terms with it?

Did the person date you for a while and then decided it wasn't something they were ok with?

 

I've gotten through the overwhelming part of disclosing, now it seems to be sort of a silent waiting period. Frustrated and sad about it all. Hoping for your advice and support!

 

Thank you!

[gardeniaflower]

Hi Inka,

 

Thanks for your response. I agree, if he was going to run, he would've been gone by now. He definitely seems to care (worry) about it, he really wanted to move things along fast until I disclosed (at the right time, in a calm setting). When I brought it up after waiting, all he really said was 'well, I read that there is still a risk of transmission.' So I said yes, and explained all of the facts that and the ways in which that risk is reduced (I have the statistics memorized). I've made it super clear that I'm willing to answer any questions or concerns.

 

Overall, he did not become more distant, and we've had a really nice time dating in the last month and a half.

 

I like the idea of getting a doctor at an STD clinic to talk about it. He's not bringing it up, we're not getting more intimate, and he hasn't mentioned whether he would get tested in the next few weeks. I'm giving it some time to see if he says something in the next few weeks. It's just kind of hard to get more attached but have no knowledge on whether this is something that is eventually going to be a 'deal breaker.'

[WCSDancer2010]

@gardeniaflower

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

I had one guy I disclosed to who totally freaked at first (it was before I knew about asymptomatic shedding so we had had sex once with a condom before I told him) ... he spazzed out for nearly a month. Somewhere along the line his Dr gave him a bit of a smack-down for not having the STD talk first and then helped him to understand how I could control it and such, and he eventually came around after about a month.

 

My BF before this barely blinked and then took me to the bedroom and it was never an issue.

 

When the guy goes real slow that may just be that he's not wanting to rush things ... it's hard for us to figure out his motives from this end but I would just enjoy being with him and getting to know HIM first ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[gardeniaflower]

Hi @WCSDancer2010 ,

Yeah, I guess I just have to fill myself with patience and compassion and wait to see if he's ready to talk about it again.

Hugs!

 

 

[lasko]

i told my guy. he didnt freak. he was more upset that i felt like i couldnt tell him!

anyways brought the topic up bout 10 days later. he still hasnt read up on it but he also said nothings changed between us

[willow]

Honey if he hasnt walked. Then hes staying.. at least for a bit.

i mean... say it wasnt herpes u talked about. U have to think of it as.. maybe even without herpes he wants to take er slow!? Who knows..

and maybe hes a little nervous cuz he hasnt been tested yet..

[seeker]

maybe he is a virgin? or not that experienced?

[gardeniaflower]

@willow - Yes, true, he hasn't disappeared yet!

@seeker - Haha, no, he's almost 40, I'm almost 30 :)

[willow]

I know a guy whos 29 and is a virgin..

[seeker]

im 49 and a virgin. ignore the kid with my last name who looks like me .

 

who says there aren't 40 y/o virgins, and you know what? that's perfectly cool by me. id have to shake his hand and say kudos for sticking by his guns. but it could be the inexperienced thing or, and I don't want this to sound like im feeding the stigma troll, but he could be concerned that you have a lot more experience than he does and may have performance anxiety. or it could be that he is patient for sex ( if he has been married then undoubtedly he knows about waiting).

[GreenEyes87]

All three of my disclosures were accepted immediately. Sheer luck of the draw I suppose. No waiting period. Everyone is different. Disclosure one and two happened over the phone due to long distance situations. Both of those relationships ended before intimacy for other reasons. Disclosure three was in person and after sex (which is not the correct way to go about it but mistakes happen). He was receptive and open and assumed the risk based on his feelings for me. We are now going pretty strong (though this is now long distance too because he is in the Army...I can't seem to pin someone down locally these days lol). As benign a condition as it is to us who have it, it's still scary to some of those who don't and who lack knowledge regarding the subject. Education and patience is key. If they still hem and haw and can't get passed it, they aren't a bad person, per se, but may not be the one for you. If all of the other wonderful things about you don't keep them around, why bother?

[gardeniaflower]

@GreenEyes87 Thanks for writing, yes I can't blame him for his hesitation. The 'hem and haw' has been about a month and a half, I'll just have to wait a bit longer to see if it becomes a 'yes or no.' I think the waiting period is just hard on my self esteem.

 

I'm glad to hear it went well with your disclosures! Even after the hiccup. Long distance is hard (I did it for three years!). Hopefully you'll be close to each other soon.

[GreenEyes87]

@gardenia

I could definitely see where waiting could be hard on the self esteem but if I were to grab for a silver lining there I would say there's obviously lots about you he likes enough to still be thinking. But he needs to also understand the strain it puts you under and work with that under consideration as well. :)

[paranoiahsv1]

sounds like he's really thinking about it. he has mixed emotions of fear and confusion since you mentioned you guys haven't been getting more intimate. do you know if he's been tested in the past? if not, i think it'll be a good idea for him to get tested as well. i am currently stuck in this similar situation of deciding whether i should disclose to this new guy i'm dating or not. at the same time i feel like partners need to know the sexual history and STD test results of each other before moving forward into a relationship. this way, we can help each other assess the type of risks we are willing to take on from the ones we don't. for me specifically, STD status nowadays is one of the determinants before entering a new relationship. :(

[gardeniaflower]

Hey!

We'll I'm here to post an update! A good update, a positive update for everyone who is feeling overwhelmed and nervous about disclosing.

 

Fast forward the guy I'm dating got tested. He got the results and told me that he has HSV-1. And now...we're sort of equal? :) (I have HSV-2).

We have moved on from this drawn out and difficult period, and are now continuing our normal (sexual) relationship with the precautions. I was super surprised that it all went so smoothly, he said he didn't think it was a big deal, and hopefully it won't be!

So that's that.

 

Even after a long waiting period of someone seeming hesitant, things can turn out ok!

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Congrats!!! So glad to hear the positive news. :) Enjoy your blossoming relationship!

[WCSDancer2010]

@gardenia

 

That is great news! Odds are his hsv1 is oral .. has he ever has cold sores? If not. . Will, he could have it genitally. The test can't tell you where it is. . My point is that he just needs to pay close attention to his body. . Over time he may notice little things that will help him to recognize when and where he may be shedding that he may have ignored in the past.

 

So glad he came around ... happy for you!