Happy Anniversary!!

[FLNewH]

Maybe I'm a little early for this, but Happy Anniversary Herpes!!! This Friday will be a month we've been together - well, that I've known of anyway. You've changed my life so much in such a short time!!! And, we have already been through so much together! I can't wait to share the rest of my life with you!!!!!

 

Ya, that's pure sarcasm. I'm sure you can tell. But it's true. My life has changed. And herpes has been with me every step of the way. Every day of my fucking life has been different since I was informed of this new relationship I'm in. My mental state regarding this new love of mine really does change from hour to hour. I've been off the site for a few days. Actually, I take that back. I've gotten on here every day, sometimes multiple times a day, but I just don't have it in me to be supportive and post. Not that I don't want to, but because I just can't. I'm exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. And I feel guilty about that. Because, you were here for me when I needed you - and I want to be here for you too! And I want the new herpsters (I saw someone say that in a post and LOL'ed - I love it) to feel welcome and safe.

 

I'm not really sure what the point of this post is. I guess because it's been one of those days where I'm choking back tears every 20 minutes. I guess because I just feel like my life sucks balls right now. 38 year old, divorced, mother to nobody and can't get a man to stick around for more than a few weeks (sex or no sex, same result). And the cherry on the top is herpes. I'm so fucking over this. I'm so tired of the roller coaster of emotions. I'm tired of one minute having the "i really don't give a fuck" attitude and then the next minute I'm freaking out. I actually had my picture posted on here for a bit. Then, one night I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and, for some reason, started freaking out - What If Someone I Know Finds This Site And Sees My Picture??? So, I took it down. Ya, I did that like 3 times. I've put it back up. Will see how long it lasts this time around.

 

I know I need to be positive. In the grand scheme of things, my life looks good. Good job. Fabulous friends. Family that loves me. I did test negative for HIV soooo ....

 

That's all I really got. Again, there really is no purpose to this post. But, I can say that I no longer have that lump in my throat ... for the next 20 minutes or so anyway.

 

On a side note. @adrial I finally took the time over the weekend to watch a couple videos. Thank you so much. You are truly beautiful inside and out. And, I cried watching what I refer to as your "I Love You" video. I'm in awe at how someone who I've never met can touch my emotions so much. I hope you realize just how wonderful what you are doing is. and @dancer you are an angel. Thank you for being such a support system. Please do not ever forget that we are here for you too my friend. I know you've had this for a while, but I know it's not easy being someone's rock. And you are the rock to all of us on this site.

[forgivenessandpeace]

You are doing amazing. It might be the stigma you're suffering from, or your body being a bit run down since that immune system has been working overtime, or likely a combination of the two. This is a temporary crappy time. You will bounce back.

 

I did the same thing with the photo. Freaked out my kids might end up finding it or something. My goal is to tell them. I want to warn them before they go to college!

[FLNewH]

Thank you I needed that :-) And you are pretty amazing yourself! I know this will pass. I'm so grateful I can use this site as a journal when I need it :) and then also get the support of people like you.

 

I've been thinking a lot about the stigma. People don't even realize. Hell, I used to say "oop! you got herpes! hahaha" when a friend of mine had a cold sore. But I can truly say I had no idea it was really herpes! Just yesterday one of my friends who I disclosed to put her foot in her mouth - not even realizing. She showed me a pic of her boyfriend. I asked her if he had any single friends *wink *wink. She said "ya, but he's kind of scuzzy. We call him herpe". Then she gasped and said "oh my god i'm so sorry! I didn't mean it!". I just laughed it off ... then went in my office and cried. She felt like such an ass. But, it's things like that that keep the stigma going - and we don't even realize we are doing it.

 

Goodness! Telling the kids! I can't even imagine that conversation. It will definitely be a good one to have - especially b/c nobody ever thinks it will happen to them or that nobody they know could ever be touched by something like this. It will let them realize that there are risks to sex. Honestly, if I had known about this waaaay back when, I think I might have made some different decisions (hell, wouldn't we all!).

[forgivenessandpeace]

My VERY BEST FRIEND (h- with an hsv2+ gf) made a similar slip saying, well the context is complicated but these are the words he said to me OUT LOUD on the phone: "She's got herpes, nobody is gonna want her now". I quoted it back to him via text with a sad face. He was beside himself embarrassed. I'm not gonna lie, that hurt. Then we joked about it.

Hell it doesn't keep him from banging his girlfriend and she's had it for 6 years now. He has never had an outbreak and his latest test (about a year ago now) was still negative.

[WCSDancer2010]

@FLNewH

 

Awww - Happy Anniversary! <:-P

 

I think there's something in the water/weather. My 28 yr old daughter is really struggling with a job she hates because the hours keep her from her daughter and the hours are killing her and she's a mess right now. I'm not in my best place now (struggling to get my massage business back on track .... and I just don't do well from now till mid-late January). The shorter days don't help. :/

 

Anyway, are you getting any help? Therapy? I actually went on antidepressants for 6 months once when I just couldn't get out of a rut caused by life and a break-up. Actually went on them about this time of year. It helped me to get my head sorted out, and I weaned off them in the Summer. I rarely make use of "Modern" medicine, but I think that once you have had a number of hits, sometimes using an anti-depressant for a short while (with a plan to get off of them) can be just the lift you need to get back on track.

 

(((HUGS)))

[FLNewH]

Thanks Dancer. I haven't gone the route of therapist yet. I have been on antidepressants before, but I really don't want to go back on them again. I'm going to give it another month. I've just switched BC too. I had been on the depo shot from about June last year until about April of this year. Took a few months for me to start my period again (august) and then I just went back on my Trivora this month. So I know my hormones are all out of whack too. It is going around I know - so many people I know are just having a shitty time of things right now. It'll get better for all of us! :-)

[WCSDancer2010]

I've been thinking a lot about the stigma. People don't even realize.

 

Don't you get it?... they don't realize because they say things but it's a "joke" to them.... the stigma is in YOUR head! Just as you joked about it UNTIL it was you. But I doubt you really *thought* about it .... ;)

 

IMO if/when we get the public to start having ADULT conversations about this stuff, it will be as beneficial, if not MORE for the H+ population simply because they will see/hear more H- people who already know someone with H and who don't think twice about it.... ;)

 

And I told both my daughters once they became sexually active ... explained to them that they must ASK for the Herpes test when they are getting tested.... my youngest still managed to get Chlamydia but thankfully caught it pretty early. We are a pretty open-minded family ... to the point that the youngest one actually put condoms in all our stockings one year when we (me, my ex, and her sister) were all single :p :))

[riverstyx]

@FLNewH

 

I just wanted to say, as far as the profile picture, I think you look gorgeous in it, and it would be wonderful to continue seeing your smiling face next to your posts. Do keep it up!

[FLNewH]

Awww thank you *blushing* :-)