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FLNewH

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Everything posted by FLNewH

  1. Thanks all. I checked out the info and was able to explain it better to him. He was just trying to research what the testing was all about and got a bit confused. Test was taken yesterday soooooo ... idk, fingers crossed?
  2. So my boyfriend has agreed to get a blood test. We've been sexually active for about a month now. I asked him to get a blood test within the next month to see what his status is. I've given him this time frame because if he gets tested now and comes back positive, then I know he had it before me. If not, then I'll know not. Selfish reason I know, but he is aware of why and is ok with it. I gave him the info on where to get tested. And of course he is now Googling this and reads that a blood test only takes a few weeks to show positive. To be honest, other than being told here that it takes about 3 months to show positive on a blood test, I can't find that info online. There is plenty out there, just not on the length of time for the test - at least that I can find. I'm sure someone has a link they could share please? :-) and thank you :-)
  3. just wanted to say thank you @seeker. I found a place in SH for him to go to ... $59 ... walk-in, test and get the results emailed. easy-peasy :-)
  4. thanks all. I tried google dancer ... and got overwhelmed! hahaha Thanks Seeker! That was what I was looking for.
  5. Hi all! So, we had a follow up talk this weekend. He is on board to take the test. I offered to look up some testing facilities for him. Who thought that would be an overwhelming task???? Just want to make sure I get him to the right place and ask for the right test. I need to make sure they do the IgG test, correct? and can he go to any kind of blood-test lab, like a Quest Diagnostics or a LabCorp? Or does it have to be a clinic? He doesn't have a PCP, but I'm wondering if a walk-in clinic could do the same thing?
  6. thank you @positivelybeautiful. It's definitely different with him. He always jokes that he has a bigger vagina than most women he knows :-P because he likes to talk things out. That is fine by me ;-) What was great is, once we were done talking about herpes, we moved right on to the next conversation. I asked him if he was thinking about not seeing me anymore because of this. He goes "nnnnooooooooo. shut off your brain" haha
  7. Hi everyone. I wanted to thank you all for your words of advice. It really helped me "simmer down" and have a rational conversation about this with him. So, I get his feelings about people finding out and then looking at him like "he must have herpes since he's with her". My choice of disclosing is my choice. Even if I choose to tell my status to someone, they do not have a right to "out" me to others. They do not have the right to discuss this around the water cooler with others that I have disclosed to. What I was not realizing was, that although he is H- (assuming, since he's never been tested), he would essentially feel "outted" himself if this mutual friend shared my status with other mutual friends of ours. By him coming into my world (meeting my friends, having mutual friends that I have confided in, etc) he is "outting" himself as being with an H+ partner ... and also opening himself up to the stigma that comes along with it. I do need to be sensitive to the fact this is all new to him, just as it was new to me back in October when I had my first outbreak. So, my bad for not seeing it from his perspective. I need to give him time (just like I had) to educate himself and get more comfortable with this. With that said, I explained to him my feelings about the wording he chose - "marked". I explained to him how shitty that was. How hurt I was. How I felt that although he says I'm not gross or disgusting, that one word brought me back to feeling like I did the moment I found out I had this. And, I explained all the whys of my feelings being hurt by what he said. And he totally got it. He said he didn't think when he said that, and that he doesn't think of me as being gross, but he understands why I would feel that way after what he said. I also explained to him that if he chooses to be with me, that there will be times he will have to deal with my status. And he needs to decide (soon) if he is OK with this. He will have to deal with the ignorance that comes along with this subject. I told him there will be awkward situations, difficult conversations (like the one we had last night) and sometimes people will say things that hurt feelings or offend, but you have to just blow it off. And then I gave him an example. A couple nights ago we were hanging at his buddy's house (who does not know my status) ... stories of boy scouts came up ... and somehow it turned naughty ... and at one point his buddy made a joke about the boy scouts now having STD patches for the guys to earn. I told him I wanted to crawl under my chair and was just praying they didn't specifically refer to herpes in that joke. But, instead I just laughed along with them and avoided the eye contact he was trying to make with me. I told him, there will be times when stuff like that happens. It's the stigma. The joke is part of the stigma. My reaction to the joke is part of the stigma. His reaction to our mutual friend knowing is part of the stigma. It's just a day in the life. And, he will have to learn to deal with it if he wants to be with me. We got our fears and thoughts out in the open. He confided in me that he does sometimes ask himself WTF is he doing (referring to the risk of getting it). But then he tells himself he knows exactly what he is doing, he's in love with me and doesn't think it's a big deal .... but then the stigma takes over. I get it. Emotional roller coaster. I told him my biggest fear is giving this to him and losing him because of it. He told me that he knows the risks and that if I do end up giving this to him, then he will be ok with that since he has already chosen to be with me. I did ask him to get a blood test in the next month. I explained that if he's never been tested, he may be positive and not know it (like me). But, if he gets the test in the next month, if it comes back positive, I'll know I didn't give it to him. However, if he waits another 2-3 months, and he comes back positive, we will never know if he already had it or if I gave it to him. I apologized for being selfish with my reason for wanting him to get tested, but that's where I'm at right now. I told him I cannot deal with another unknown. Am I itchy b/c I shaved? or is it Herpes? Is that zit on my leg b/c my fat is rubbing together and it's hot out? or is it Herpes? Am I bloated and crampy b/c I'm getting my period? or is it Herpes? Did I give this to him or did he already have it? I can handle the other unknowns, but not that one. Longer story just a little shorter, I get his feelings, he gets my feelings. And, the fact that we had this open dialogue is unreal to me. I have never had conversations with anyone like I've had with this man. If it were anyone else, I would have moved forward with the "fuck off" attitude I had yesterday afternoon. But, I'm glad I calmed down enough to be adult and have a rational conversation. I put all this out there because I know there are others out there going through this and they may not know what to say. So, I hope by me sharing the discussion, it will help someone at some point.
  8. Thanks @Sil88. You're right, I made the choice to tell. Unfortunately, one of the people I told just happens to be a mutual friend. He asked me to not tell any of his other friends. Which made my jaw drop. Like I would say "hey nice to meet you and btw I have herpes and I'm f'ing your friend." Believe me, i get the whole "it's my choice to tell, not your choice to tell for me" and I get that if he decides to stay with me, he will have to deal with this. And he will have to deal with the stigma just as much as I will (well, not just as much, but some). This whole conversation with him really sucks. I was doing fine. Finally felt like herpes wasn't ruling my life. Now, within a split second, I'm brought right back to the fact that I fucking hate herpes and feel like I'm never going to have a normal relationship ever again. Because, obviously even though he may say it's ok, it's really not ok. I wish Herpes would go fucking jump off a bridge. And yes,I get that herpes should be my wingman. But I'm really just over this shit.
  9. Thanks @NMissouri. I'm trying to breathe about this and calm down. You're right, when it's someone else's issue, it's easy to say it's "don't beat yourself up" but when you are in the situation, well it's looked at differently. I told him I'm pretty torn up about what he said. He said he didn't mean it like that. Whatever. I'll keep in mind that he is H- and has never had to deal with this, so he is not sensitive to these kinds of remarks and doesn't really "get it". I'm not going to sugar coat my feelings, but I will calm down a bit before having this discussion.
  10. So, I've been dating this guy for about a month. We've been friends for a year and a half, I told him about me being H+ before anything sexual ever happened. So, we are talking today via text and I let him know that one of our mutual friends, I'll call her Amy, asked me how things were going with us. Amy also knows I'm H+. So, I told him that I told her we have been seeing each other. His comment was this "Since you've told her your situation, if we don't work out and she runs her mouth, then I'll be marked". Marked? Are you fucking kidding me? This is the same man who told me I should not be ashamed, I should not feel gross or disgusting. The same man who had no hesitation being intimate with me. The same man who told me not two days ago that he is falling in love with me. That he doesn't care about my baggage, he just cares about me. Needless to say, I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Marked? I cannot get over that. And I know what you are going to say. I'm letting the stigma take over. But, sorry, how can I not feel like shit about that comment? We decided to not continue the conversation via text and rather should talk about it either over the phone or face to face tonight. But, I gotta tell you, I'm pretty f'ing pissed off right now about that comment. Any advice on how to handle this conversation like an adult and not like an emotional asshole would be greatly appreciated. Because, at this moment, I want to just tell him to go fuck off.
  11. Hahahaha no, was actually baking cookies. Hahaha
  12. You are so right Dancer. Everything is really a risk. I know it's just a worry I have, but I'm not really letting it consume me. I've done all I can to educate him and let him know there is always open communication - and that is really all I can do. Sooooo, with that, I need to go freshen up the hair and makeup some since he is coming by in a bit and we are going to bake cookies :-) Thank you everyone for the words of advice :-) It also warms my heart a bit to know that my own post helped someone else in their day :-)
  13. Thank you all so much. You all are right, I need to live in the present and enjoy the time and connection with this man now. He's a good man - I wonder why I ever got so upset over the idiots I dated in the past. But, you know how it gets, if it wasn't herpes making me doubt, then it would be something else I'm sure :-P Just how my brain works. The cynical side of me is like, something is going good, soooo what is going to happen that will mess it up? However, I am working on that :-) I think the thing that worries me the most is me transmitting this to him. I know we are taking every precaution - but in the back of my mind I still worry. I haven't had a breakout since the first one in the beginning of Oct. I'm taking my antivirals every day, have no symptoms and we use a condom. Plus he is educated on the basics and we have open communication about it. If a question pops up in his head, he just says "hey - what about this?". I've also told him that, being with me with this being so new, there may be times when I tell him we can't be intimate. Could be b/c of a breakout, could be because I just don't "feel right". And he said he is ok with that too. So, I know he isn't scared about it and that we are taking every precaution we can. It's just a nagging feeling that I'm sure every H+ person has at some point with their H- partners. But, with that said, I am going to push the nagging feelings and worries aside and just go with it and enjoy the time with him. What I need to remind myself about every time I get those feelings is that he knew about my status a good month+ ago when we were just friends, when there was no intimacy in our relationship at all. And that he chose to be with me in that way anyway.
  14. Thank you all so much for the kind words. Fingers crossed! :-)
  15. Thank you both. To be honest, it was because of the two of you that I was able to even mention herpes to him about a month or so ago while catching up one evening over beers. And I was in shock that he even was interested in me (i've had a crush on him for about a year), especially after finding out about it. Now of course I am scared as hell that he will decide this isn't for him. He's told me he is a germaphobe, but that he doesn't feel that way about me. He's told me that I'm worth it, that any man should be proud to have me on his arm. But I am really scared that he's going to read up on this and not want to be with me anymore. Not that we are "together" at the moment, but I feel it's going in the right direction and that, with him, it could be something great. I've given him this site as a resource. He's apologized for not reading up on it sooner (which I told him he does NOT need to apologize for). I've just told him he needs to know as much as he can so he can feel comfortable and safe. I don't know where the relationship is going, it's still very new and there are some things he needs to deal with in his own life still. But, I'm just hoping he decides he can deal with this.
  16. So, I'll be honest. I've read and watched the videos about how having the discussion with your partner (whether long term or not) about being H+ can actually bring two people closer together. And, my thought on this was that it was BS. I couldn't even imagine how saying "Hey babe. Let's chat about herpes" could make me feel closer to someone. Until this weekend. I've been hanging with a friend, he knows I'm H+. The friendship took a turn this past week and we slept together. We had a discussion about it, he asked a bunch of questions and I did my best to answer them. He told me I wasn't gross or disgusting. He had no problem doing all the wonderful things to me that I thought no man would ever want to do to me again. I gotta tell you, I get it now. I wanted to cry when he actually apologized to ME for asking questions. What? I won't get into the mushiness I felt inside because of that. But, I get it. If it's the right person, if they take the time, if they are doing it because they care about you, it can feel so good to talk about it. Even if he decides he can't deal with being with an H+ person and wants to call it quits, I feel like I've made it passed a hurdle. Don't get me wrong. I'm still pissed as hell that I have to deal with this bullshit. But, ya know, baby steps.
  17. Wow! That is amazing! Congratulations! I really hope one day I can post this same message about myself! :-)
  18. I would definitely wait until you know for sure - no need in opening that can of worms until you know for sure. That said, I reached out to 3 past partners. One is out of state and I just could not get the courage up to call him and talk on the phone. So, I sent a text to him. His response was that shit happens and as long as he didn't have Ebola or HIV he would deal with whatever came his way (gotta know his sense of humor). The second one, I no longer had his contact info and did not know his address, but still had a way to reach him on FB - so I sent him a message. He thanked me for letting him know and said he was going to get tested. The third, I did not trust putting anything in writing for fear he would take a picture of the text and post it on FB or forward the text to whomever he wanted to. So, I texted him to please call me so I could talk to him about a new development. He refused, so I dropped it. Maybe not the right way to handle things, but I did what I felt I could. For the two that I was able to disclose to, I did not come across like I was blaming them. I just simply said I had found out that I was positive, that I didn't know how long I had it and that I felt it was the right thing to let them know and for their benefit and the benefit of whomever they were or will sleep with, to get tested themselves. I didn't overwhelm them with facts, but I did give them this sites link and also some basic facts, especially that 80% don't even know they have it. Both told me they would let me know their test results, but neither have and I haven't followed up.
  19. FLNewH

    Heartbroken

    Thank you @sedonasunshine77. I'm getting over it. I've realized it's more the fact that it just seems like a cycle for me. I can get 'em, I just can't keep 'em! hahaha. Today is a good day so I'm not crying about it :-) And yes, any time please message me - I'm always up for a new friend
  20. I've had a UTI before and my symptoms for a UTI were the same as my initial OB. When I made the appt with my doc, I actually told them I thought it was a UTI. Since they couldn't get me to see the doc, they just had me pee and saw there was bacteria and just put me on antibiotics. I know it wasn't a UTI when I was diagnosed with herpes because my urine came back negative for UTI. I had a really bad lower back ache that just got worse and worse over a few days. It felt like I just had a throbbing cramp on my ovaries and I was super bloated. I've lost about 16 pounds since I've gone off the depo shot, and my pants were tight around the waist, that's how bloated I was. I did find out I also had a yeast infection, so maybe some of my symptoms we attributed to that too. But, my stomach has been achy pretty much since day one.
  21. Thanks Dancer. I haven't gone the route of therapist yet. I have been on antidepressants before, but I really don't want to go back on them again. I'm going to give it another month. I've just switched BC too. I had been on the depo shot from about June last year until about April of this year. Took a few months for me to start my period again (august) and then I just went back on my Trivora this month. So I know my hormones are all out of whack too. It is going around I know - so many people I know are just having a shitty time of things right now. It'll get better for all of us! :-)
  22. Thank you I needed that :-) And you are pretty amazing yourself! I know this will pass. I'm so grateful I can use this site as a journal when I need it :) and then also get the support of people like you. I've been thinking a lot about the stigma. People don't even realize. Hell, I used to say "oop! you got herpes! hahaha" when a friend of mine had a cold sore. But I can truly say I had no idea it was really herpes! Just yesterday one of my friends who I disclosed to put her foot in her mouth - not even realizing. She showed me a pic of her boyfriend. I asked her if he had any single friends *wink *wink. She said "ya, but he's kind of scuzzy. We call him herpe". Then she gasped and said "oh my god i'm so sorry! I didn't mean it!". I just laughed it off ... then went in my office and cried. She felt like such an ass. But, it's things like that that keep the stigma going - and we don't even realize we are doing it. Goodness! Telling the kids! I can't even imagine that conversation. It will definitely be a good one to have - especially b/c nobody ever thinks it will happen to them or that nobody they know could ever be touched by something like this. It will let them realize that there are risks to sex. Honestly, if I had known about this waaaay back when, I think I might have made some different decisions (hell, wouldn't we all!).
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