1 Month in after a life changing visit

[RookieBex]

h friends,

 

I am coming up on my month anniversary of finding out I have herpes. I met a guy and we had only been dating for three weeks....I liked him A LOT. We spent many days in a row together each of those weeks and I had sex with him pretty quickly because I felt that "connection" (likely story).

 

Side note....I am the type of person that has felt invincible in the past when having sexual partners and never in a million years thought I would ever get h or anything else for that matter. Its almost the same thing as when you go out for drinks and then drive, you never think you are going to get pulled over (Busted).

 

Anyway, we obviously didn't use a condom and even had a conversation about how we must really trust each other not to use one. But here is the kicker and the most shameful part about it. I even SAW something on his penis, but with how ignorant I was, I thought it was just a pimple or something of that sort so I disregarded it.

 

Three glorious weeks into knowing this person, he tells me that he needs some time to "think" about if he wants a serious relationship right now (he had been through a rough breakup a few months ago). I give him the space he needs and I'm pretty sad about it but brush it off thinking this is the risk you take when putting yourself out there in the dating world. 2 days later, I start feeling like I'm coming down with something while at work and then that night I see some strange bumps down there. I was so confused as to what was happening, but at the same time I think deep down I did know. I force myself into the gyno office the following day and she tells me from what she can see with the bare eye, its a classic case of a mild ob of herpes. I think I had my first panic attack. I didn't get out of bed for four days following that appointment. Then monday morning I get the confirmation call, Positive for h. I asked her to diagnose what type it was and she said it was too new of a virus in my body to type just yet so immediately I knew it was him that gave it to me.

 

I text him a long paragraph explaining what happened. No answer. I text him later on in the day. nothing. I text him the next day after a sleepless night, still nothing. I wait a few more days and the 4th text message to him was not a pleasant one. Nada. I had never felt so low and alone in my life. I KNEW he was the one that gave it to me and I was beginning to feel like he knew all along and just never disclosed it. I had a plethora of emotions running through me. Anger, shame, hatred of him, loneliness and lack of self worth. The worst thing about it was that I was secretly hoping he would want to work it out with me now because of the circumstances. Like this needed to happen in order for me to win him back over. Isn't that just pathetic? I hated myself for feeling like that.

 

The next night (after the nasty text I sent him) he texted me and asked me if I would be open to talk to him. He said that he had been doing a lot of the thinking he needed to do and thanked me for giving him the time he asked for and that he had a small ob and was tested positive for h as well and that he needed to see me right away. I felt like it was my chance to redeem him and told him I wanted to see him too but went home to my parents house (about four hours away from where I currently live) and that I couldn't see him until the next week. He asked if we could at least talk on the phone the next day and I agreed. The next day came and nothing. I reached out to him and asked when we were going to talk and he never wrote me back. I could't believe that he could be so insensitive, so selfish and so uncompassionate of the situation at hand. It almost wasn't humanly to me.

 

When I returned back to where I live, I reached out one more time and told him that he is was an inhumane person and the least he could do is acknowledge the fact I am emotionally suffering from all of this. He wrote back and told me he wanted to see me in person to talk. We met that very night and he told me how sorry he was and how he didn't know he had it until we stopped talking. He also proceeded to tell me that he shuts off to the world when something life altering like this happens to him and yada yada. Long story short, he told me that he thought he wanted to be with me when he first reached out but then realized (in a matter of 24 hours I guess??) that he still wasn't ready, regardless of the circumstances. God, What a whirlwind. I felt like I lost everything. I lost a piece of myself and I lost the guy that gave this to me. A complete lose lose.

 

Its been about a week and a half since that conversation and I feel like I've gone through an emotional roller coaster but have come out on top since. In a weird way, I feel like this needed to happen to me in order for me to learn how to be independent (I have always been a cereal dater and have always been afraid to be on my own without a companion). Also I think its going to teach me not to be so naive when picking sexual partners and to pay more attention to the emotional connection rather than jumping into a physical one first. Its going to teach me a sense of self worth and self loving and make me strong in case theres any type of rejection in the future (and I don't mean just the rejection after the disclosure talk, I mean any type of deal-breaker there is to someone out there).

 

I'm trying to be positive about this. I'm trying not to let the thought of having it ruin my day to day life. Some days I burst out crying and other days Im laughing and almost forget about it completely. I am terrified of the disclosure conversation but I don't expect myself to be okay with it right now. I'm still learning about how to accept it in my life. The truth is guys, ANYONE can get this because 99.9% of the population has practiced unsafe sex at least once before and thats all it takes. Of course the negative stigma is far greater than it should be, but soon the whole country will have it (especially because the medical community doesn't test you for it unless you specifically ask for it which is crazy to me because thats just allowing it to spread like wild fire and that is irresponsible in itself in my opinion).

 

Lastly, I am SO thankful to have a forum like this as support. It is so helpful to read stories and see other people going through this. Adrial is such a phenomenal soul inside and out and I hope to exude the depth and compassion that he portrays everyday. I am not saying that this is something I wanted, but what I do know is that this may have opened up a door of opportunity for me to grow, be humble and be the best human being I can be in this world.

 

Thanks for reading my story :)

 

 

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hi RookieBex! Thank you for sharing your story. I just want to start by saying, good for you for trying to stay strong and positive. I'm really sorry to hear this guy was a complete jerk about all of this, but one lesson I have learned from my giver was as the quote goes: 'You'll end up very disappointed if you believe everyone has the same heart as you'... just because we are good people, with good intentions and good hearts, doesn't mean the people we connect with will always offer us the same. And it's not because they are bad people; their decisions don't make them bad people; they just make them who they are, and it all stems from the experiences they have already lived. I, like you, felt somewhat invincible in my sexual encounters and for a while I was... but life throws us curve balls, and wakes us up the reality of what's not working anymore... I am glad you recognize that this an opportunity to find deeper connections, to not just jump into bed and pursue lust in hopes it will turn into love. But instead, to see true loving potential in another, be at our most vulnerable, and then make it that much better and stronger by sharing our bodies with them... when they completely accept us for who we are. Imagine the level of trust, compassion and love that will be shared before we even consider what it would be like to be with them intimately. That's empowering. I know you are already off to a good start, and recognize there will be tough days ahead, but I encourage you to stay positive and take the right amount of time heal. The opportunity to love oneself deeply is another gift that herpes gives... accepting that gift is transformational. In the meantime, I invite you to read this post; it has to be one of my favorites:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

It was beautifully written, and I like to read it once in a while to remind myself how amazing this journey can be, if we allow it to be. Stay strong, and reach out if you need to; this forum is packed with amazing, supportive and resilient souls who will help you through trying times. Sending you lots of love.

[RookieBex]

Thank you for this. It touched my heart. I'm feeling a bit better about everything but still have my moments and days. You are extremely positive and uplifting. Before I became a part of this site, I was reading some posts and came across one of yours and it made me cry because it was so touching. It's really helpful knowing people are in this together.

 

Thanks again

[PositivelyBeautiful]

So happy to hear that RookieBex; and we all have our moments of weakness, and it's ok. We just cannot allow this to define who we are and limit our greatness, because receiving and giving love is our birthright. We are all worthy. So when you have those moments, reach out, we are all here for you. :)

[WCSDancer2010]

@RookieBex

 

First - Hello and Welcome! So glad you found us and that you are managing to see the "Opportunity" of the situation.

 

Herpes makes a great Wingman ... because we are forced (through the disclosure) to be honest with ourselves whether the other person deserves to see us in such a vulnerable place ... AND, we get to see if they are compassionate and non-judgmental (even if they choose to not be in the relationship, which is their right AND it's not about YOU if they do), or if they run with things get tough, or if they are just downright ugly people.

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think

 

he tells me that he needs some time to "think" about if he wants a serious relationship right now (he had been through a rough breakup a few months ago)

 

If you had had herpes before you met this man, and you had slowed down the process of getting physical, there's a chance that you would have seen that he was nowhere near ready to be in a relationship just yet. Being the "Rebound Chick" sucks (Been there done that :( ) ... and a LOT of guys (I think more men than women, but I could be wrong here) "get back on the horse" of dating really soon after a break-up before they have dealt with the emotions/stages of grief. Sadly these people leave a wake of broken hearts in their wake. Take it from someone who has been there, I now ask how long it's been since the break-up, and I now LISTEN to not only how long, but what emotions come out when they respond and I keep it in mind until I see proof that they really ARE ready to date again ;)

 

You are in the right place for the support you need. Read all you can on here and ask for support when you need it.... support others when you can (because in doing so, you will actually get to see where YOU are in the process) and rant if that's what will help you that day.... we are here for you friend :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[vanessayee]

@RookieBex In my situation I have felt like it was a lose lose too but it is now teaching me more independence for sure and is opportunity to get my life, career, finances, hobbies and living situation together. Thank you for sharing, you expressed and wrote that very well. It is very frustrating that little was taught to us about how to prevent herpes and that no one told us that it wasn't tested for yet it can be spread without symptoms. I could have always wore a condom with my partner but after a while you just don't and we even both got tested before no condom yet he had it and it wasn't tested for so he didn't know. It angers me too that this is why it keeps on spreading to others and everyone is ignorant about it. I too am very grateful for this site and the awesome ppl here like Adrial who I look up to!

[AVLS88]

I'm sorry you contracted herpes. I'm equally sorry that he probably knew he had it, and didn't disclose that info. I would suggest always wearing a condom in a new relationship. You're very lucky he just had herpes, and not something like HIV. Some people don't look sick their genitals look fine, but you never know. You can't always trust people to be open and honest with you. Definitely a wake up call. My suggestion would definitely be to leave him alone, and not reach out, he obviously is self absorbed, and you deserve better! Good luck!

[Days_mommy]

i read.this story..and i was confused..i guess..

because I'll be honest..i didn't call the hpv giver.and search for an apology or try to get him..i was pissed and i never spoke to him again..because he knew..

and i will never tell my son's father that most.likely he gave me herpes..because i never plan on goi.g back.. i would say move on..because someone who doesnt get tested regularly..or even co.sider the odd sensation of a blister..idk just dont waste your time. you seem too nice..

[RookieBex]

Yes, everyone handles it differently. Some people contact their giver and some don't. In my situation, I think I needed closure and wanted him to know. And for the record, I don't think he knew he had it, h aside, he has a VERY strange way of communicating with people that I am seeing now. He has gone radio silent more than just when I told him about what happened to me.

 

He actually ended up reaching out to try to get me back, which just ended up being a total disaster (nothing to do with h - he is just really good at being a complete asshole). You can imagine how awful and foolish I felt, but honestly I don't care at this point because I know he is going to have a long life of loneliness for the way he treats people.I have never met someone who is so heartless and I know how deserving I am of love and he doesn't even come close to making the cut.

 

Anyway, thanks for all your comments, I haven't been on here for a while because I have been so busy with work, but I will say, I am much better and have stopped thinking about h so much. I feel like I am definitely living a normal life. I'm laughing, joking and feeling happiness and I hope everyone else is too :)

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@Days_mommy

 

The thing about telling/contacting your giver is that it's sorta paying it forward... most have no idea that they have it, and even if they are suspicious, many don't realize they haven't been tested so they honestly think they are ok.

 

So by contacting them, you may get them to get tested and at least have to face reality ... and perhaps save someone else from getting it.

 

There's no right or wrong about contacting an ex ... just explaining why many do that ... and as @RookieBex said... many need it for closure... ;)