Havin a moment

[JessikaRabbit89]

of weakness, and not even because of me coming out about being H+, but because the person who gave it to me was someone I deeply cared for. I had known him for years, we were always good friends. He was always crazy about me but I just didn't see him in that way even though hes extremely attractive himself. One day I had a medical emergency with my lung and I was very afraid and he comforted me like nobody else had. He had also went through a similar scare so he could relate and gave me peace in knowing I would be fine. During his first deployment we talked and skyped nearly every single day, just shooting the sh!t and being goofy like we always are. He came home a few days before my birthday and we went to DC and acted like Forrest Gump and Jenny at the Monument lol (our favorite movie). In a way we were a lot like that movie. I was carefree and kinda went where ever life took me. I would come and go out of his life, and he was this smart funny guy who was a fool for love. He told me the last night we were together "you know I've been in love with you for like 2 years. So many times I wanted to give up but I couldn't". We had our first kiss and it was like something out of a movie. Through the people we dated during our friendship there was still this spark and chemistry that we had. Now I'm afraid its gone. He went from being the sweetest funniest caring guy I had ever known, to being just like the rest. Treating me like I don't exist. How can he be ok with just shutting me out like this? My heart is beating so hard at the thought of never seeing him again or hearing his voice and laughter. I know time heals all wounds, but this one is going to take forever. I lost my bestfriend. Idk if I can ever recover from this.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey, so, I know you are hurting right now, and my words might not make that hurt go away, but I want to help you understand something... His actions, or better yet, his inaction, have nothing to do with you. This is not him rejecting you, or telling you he wants nothing to do with you... this is about him. He is likely going through a ton of feelings right now, of guilt, shame, sadness, unworthiness... and needs time to get through those emotions on his own. You need to change your mindset around why he is doing what he is doing, and try to see that it stems from his own pain and insecurities. Sure, it doesn't seem right or fair, especially considering you guys have shared a lot together... but give yourself and him the time to heal a bit here, and maybe down the road, he'll come around again, or maybe you'll be ok with letting him go.

 

But I repeat, him cutting you off, has nothing to do with you. Also, I can relate in a sense, because when I was first diagnosed, I was seeing someone who I had an amazing connection with. When I told him about it, he was very compassionate but cut me off. I spent the next 2 months working on me and loving myself, coming to terms with the diagnosis, and in the midst of it, realized that his actions were selfless, that I really did need the time to find all the love,compassion, and acceptance to make me whole within myself. He gave me the opportunity to feed my own heart and soul, and had he been there to support me, I may have never had that gift.

 

Later, he came back. He reached out to me almost 2 months after we had stopped speaking, and I was shocked. That connection was still strong, and he was disappointed in himself for not being there, or reaching out. He sincerely apologized. What I learned, was what I just told you... his silence had nothing to do with me. He didn't say that, but it was very apparent to me. He had a lot going on, so much in fact, that I chose to walk away. It was not out of spite; I will always care for him. It was the most difficult thing I have done, but I knew in my heart it was right.

 

All that to say, take this time for you. See it as a gift, an opportunity to fuel your own heart with the love and support you need. Let yourself be the light that carries you through. If you miss him, send him love and let him go. But most importantly, don't assume his actions have anything to do with you... cause they don't.

 

Here's a quote for you:

 

"Be truly whole, and all things will return to you."

 

And for him:

 

"We can only love others as much as we love ourselves."

 

... Maybe he hasn't found love for himself yet. Give him time.

 

[JessikaRabbit89]

Oh thank you so much for that. I truly needed those words. You are right. I was thinking he was a complete douchebag and my friends are feeding into it saying hes just an asshole, forget about him and move on with your life. I am doing it, but I know him better than they do, on a deeper more personal level. He has never disrespected me which is why I trusted him enough to have sex with him. I really didnt want to have sex again after my last relationship 8 months ago, because he disappointed me in so many ways. I started repairing myself, inside and out and during the process my friend and I got closer and now its something I regret greatly. In my heart I feel he will come back, he came back to me before when we had fallen outs. May not have been a week or a month later...but he always returned. I hope in time he will learn to forgive himself and reach out to me.

[WCSDancer2010]

Couldn't have said it any better @Beautiful :)

[ShaeShae]

It's perfectly okay to feel what you are feeling. That is normal. I disclosed the day after the call from my doc, to my boyfriend. . . A wonderfully warm and kind hearted soul, who never spoke ill of anyone, and filled my life with love and laughter. And all of that was destroyed in an instant as he then revealed his vanity and selfishness to me. He tried to make me understand that because he was a food server at a restaurant, he couldn't possibly get one of those "disgusting sores" on his face ever. He threw away everything because he couldn't shake the fear of ruining his pretty, pretty face. He said "I know I will never find another woman like you. I will never blend so well with another as I blend with you". . . . His loss. And I still ache for him. Finally had to move out of my apartment because the memories there became too much to bear. And now with a fresh perspective, a new view, and a great counselor, I am learning how to let go of loving him.

[JessikaRabbit89]

:( @shaeshae. I would love to talk to you more, give me your strength to get through this because it feels like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. Its starting to sink in that I may never hear from him again...and its killing me.

[Rj17]

You are not alone and I am sorry. I know that is a small comfort, but I hope it is something.

 

I am absolutely heartbroken that my ex left. I wish nothing more then to go 1 day or 1 hour with out her popping in my head. And there I was thinking that breakups got easier as you got older!

 

Then you add in HSV2 to the mix... ohhhh you silly HSV2...and the post breakup drama has been monumental. Down right epic. It has actually overlaid my thoughts on H to be honest, its hard to pick out what im sad about. The guilt/fear that she has something that I gave her compared to wanting her back, compared to I have no idea if she gave it to me and I honestly would not even care if she did... its all to frustrating some days.

 

We have all learned the hard way hearing this news can come as a shock, people handle that differently. For whatever reason it has made me join here and write and open up to people which is 100% the opposite of what I do normally. I would shut down to process just about anything before ha.

 

As PB said it has nothing to do with you. It does sound like he has shut down to process which I have done many times. The important thing is not what he does, it is what you do. I am just starting to realize that myself. Others will do what they do, no control over that, but we can control what we do.

 

The hurt is brutal and its real but from past experiences I know it will get easier with work and time. I have found that goals have helped me so far. I have a few goals that im working on for dealing with H and her. I broke them down into short (very very very short) term goals. That way I can knock them off the list and see the progress, keeps me distracted and moving forward. I have a 4 month goal that I broke down into days, and listed the % each day (I love math ha) hit the 25% mark on my calendar and was like wow im ahead of schedule by like 3 weeks. I was happy for the first time in a month. Keep working on yourself and time will pass and slowly things start to heal. Good Luck!

[JessikaRabbit89]

Thank you @RJ17 I appreciate you sharing your story. In some way hearing that others have experienced what I'm going through comforts me because you all are still going on with your lives, it hasn't broken you, though it hurt extremely bad, you are still making the most of every day. I know in time I will get better, its just the initial blow of him giving me the cold shoulder. One minute he was sympathetic and apologizing for me being in pain and telling me we have so much to be thankful for and that we should focus on the positive things we have, then he just suddenly stops responding to my messages and phone calls. I deleted him off of FB and he got angry about it, we talked alittle later and I havent heard from him since. This has been now 6 days of total silence on his end. I just dont know what to think. I will use my goals also as a distraction. Continue working on myself,losing weight, eating right, going to church, going back to school and getting my degree. So much in the future for me to look forward to. Thanks again for reminding me of that.

[JessikaRabbit89]

@inka wow even after giving it to you he moved on to somebody else? :( I feel my friend has probably done the same, getting comfort in another womans arms, particularly his ex gf who hated seeing us together. He would show me messages she sent him saying seeing us together made her sick. Its making me sick knowing he sees my texts pop up and is purposely ignoring them while texting other people (he practically lives in his phone). Oh well...

[PositivelyBeautiful]

JessikaRabbit89, I would encourage you to stop messaging him. First of all, he's not in a place to openly receive those messages, and second of all, it is doing you no good. It's a way for you to try to keep some control over the situation because his lack of response provides no other means for you to understand, and that's scary. I know you miss him, but as part of this journey, learn to let go. Learn to accept the pain you are feeling in your heart, and know that by fueling your own self-love, day by day it will get easier. It's ok to hurt and cry, and when you are feeling those emotions, honor them, recognize them, and then release them. The truth is you don't have control, you can't shake him and wake him up, you can't make him love himself enough to reach out to you, you can't change any of the thoughts or feelings he has in order to produce the desired outcome that will make your heart stop hurting. So stop trying. Accept this pain, in each moment you feel it, send him love if you need to, and then go on with life. You are never going to stop thinking about him, or caring for him, and that's ok, but don't let fear of the unknown hold you back from living fully. This will be the hardest thing you have to do, but just try your best. Here are some quotes for you:

 

 

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

 

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

 

- Kahlil Gibran

 

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

 

- Kahlil Gibran

 

The Void

It's that place in our lives where what we've been hanging onto . . . clinging to for dear life . . . is stripped away. It's that place in us where we let go of what we know, what we think we know, and what we want and surrender to the unknown. It is the place of saying and meaning, 'I don't know.' It means standing there with our hands empty for a while, sometimes watching everything we wanted disappear; our self image, our definition of who we thought we should be, the clones we've created of ourselves, the people we thought we had to have, the things we thought were so important to collect and surround ourselves with, the job we were certain was ours, the place we thought we'd live in all our lives. . . Surrender control to the supreme wisdom and authority of God and to the Divine in your soul. Step into the void with courage. Learn to say, I don't know. That's not blind faith. It's pure faith that will allow God and your spirit to lead you wherever your soul wants and needs to go.

 

Here's another string where someone had a hard time letting go. A lot of us have been there, so you are not alone. Just let time pass.

 

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4539/can039t-stop-obsessing-over-my-rejection#Item_5

[JessikaRabbit89]

:( you're right. I stopped texting 2 days ago...I give up on him. Its not the end of the world. *shrugs*...hehe..

[ShaeShae]

@JessikaRabbit89, anytime you want to talk. . I think we have a lot of ideas and experiences we could share. I'd like to say it gets easier right away but there are still raw, painful moments for me. Even going to the grocery store last night and driving by the tree in the parking lot where we met for the first time. Maybe I just shouldn't shop there anymore. It's made more painful by the fact that he accepted me at first and we were passionately intimate for our first time shortly thereafter. . . And then I don't know what happened.

[JessikaRabbit89]

I'm sitting here playing No Doubt - Simple Kind of Life and Matchbox Twenty - Downfall on repeat. They express everything I am feeling fight now...ugh. @shaeshae and @positivelybeautiful I wish you all lived near me and we could all have a crying session and get it out of our systems. Then pig out on icecream and junk food. Hah.

[WCSDancer2010]

He would show me messages she sent him saying seeing us together made her sick.

 

Sorry but that is the sign of someone who has no regard for another's feelings .... he's playing you against her. Odds are he's showing your texts to her too. I think when you look back on this you will realize there are other things he's done that are the signs of a player ... and you are well to be done with him.

 

I'm willing to bet that now you have stopped messaging him, he will turn around and pursue you ... he's out for a fun time, but on HIS terms. So let him have his ex ...

 

I hear and feel your pain though. I had a guy who walked out on me years ago, saying he "loved me" on the way out the door. Talk about a mind fuck. He then offered to have a FWB weekend relationship (we had lived together in the house *I* bought with his kids till he walked out) ... I had enough dignity to say no F*ing way. He now has a GF ... moved to Fla, and got her to agree to buy a duplex so they both have their own sides ... definitely not how *I* want a relationship to be for me. She's welcome to him! But I took nearly a year to get *mostly* over him .. and more time to get my mojo back. But I learned a LOT about myself from the experience ... and I can tell that you will come out of this stronger and wiser and more ready for a MAN who will treat you with RESPECT and DIGNITY.

 

(((HUGS)))

[JessikaRabbit89]

Wow @WCSDancer2010, that really put things into perspective for me. You are so right. I can't believe your ex played those mind games with you like that. Some men can be so evil. My friend did have douchebag tendencies towards other women but never towards me so I never thought anything of it. When he told me about the girl he slept with a month before we did, he basically dogged her out and offered her to his roommate, and she STILL had sex with my friend later that night. He said she was annoying and didn't get the hint that he wasn't into her, yet you go and f*ck her anyway? Yeah ok. Lol. Man I'm really starting to wake up now. It wasn't always sunshine and roses between us. I'm finally realizing he is so not worth my tears. I have so much to be happy and grateful for.

[ShaeShae]

It's an empowering moment when you realize a guy isn't worth your tears anymore. Puttin' on your "Big Girl Britches"!!

 

I'm in Oregon. What state are you in?

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Ok, even I will chime in here and say, ya, listen to Dancer, he sounds like an asshole. Whatever pain he is going through, let him, he's far from being in a good place to give you anything remotely close to what you deserve!! Put yourself first here and let him go.

[JessikaRabbit89]

@shaeshae I'm all the way in Virginia :( and @positivelybeautiful yeah I'm so over him right now. Deleted his number and all forms of contact and photos. Officially out of my life. He deserves to be depressed and losing sleep. Asshole. Lol.

[ShaeShae]

Darn it! I have yet to find even one fellow Oregonian on here! Convinced I'm the only Typhoid Mary in this awful state LOL

 

Here's some cool song lyrics I'm rocking today:

 

"Changes come

keep your dignity

take the high road

take it like a man

 

Momma said like the rain

this too shall pass

like a kidney stone

this too shall pass

it's just a broken heart, son

this pain will pass away"

 

-Puscifer "Momma Sed"

[JessikaRabbit89]

Haha hey the air is cleaner there I'm sure! :D those are kickass lyrics indeed. I feel so much better. Better days are ahead for me now