Looks like I will be facing the guy I disclosed to and was rejected daily

[whitedaisies]

So I have had oral and ghsv1 for exactly one year.

 

Gone thru post viral/chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, mono also during this year. Spent most of the year in bed.

 

Now I am on new antidepressants and they seem to be working well. The whole goal was for me to get better and now that I am I am petrified. If I am technically not depressed and post viral and herpes has settled, that means it will be sooner rather than later I will be heading back to work and be expected to function normally there and at home. I have no more scapegoat not to face the world. I can't hide anymore.

 

I am so scared to confront the normal things you guys do every day like:

 

1). How do I work with an outbreak without going into a dark depression and not being able to function

2) will I be able not to think of herpes all day everyday

3). How do I face the guy that joined me reluctantly on my journey with which I disclosed and got a "it's cool...what do you want from me" when I thought we were good friends....what if he ignores me...I will feel horrible, what if he just says hi and walks way like nothing happened...it will also make me sad...worse, what if he is mad at me or wants to talk...all the scenarios haunt me. I loved this person so much and I just know in every scenario I will be disappointed in his behavior.

4) I still don't kno where my damn ob are and that really bothers me

5) how do I go on into normal life with my. New sidekick...socializing with people instead of shutting them out

 

I just have so many questions and no. Answers.

 

I have seriously been thru a year of hell physically and emotionally....I am scared I will fail....scared I will be mortified facing the guy I loved..... him knowing I have herpes and he rejected me as a friend....I didn't want to be lovers knowing I had it as his status was unknown and he wouldn't get tested bc he believed life insurance blood tests tested u for stds and herpes.

 

Anyway I am rambling...maybe I am not ready yet...I dunno... But I will be challenged to be ready....

 

I haven't had sex Ina year and even though I have fooled around with a wonderful friend....I am finding it really hard to have intercourse and I feel I will never be and it just sucks....right when I got my mojo back, I got h and now it's another layer to this saga that makes he future ahead so difficult to face.

 

I really have no friends that live near me to take me out and distract me.

 

Life post diagnosis is scarey.

 

Help

[seeker]

well, it will probably be good to get back into the flow of life. ive been thru depression myself and it really helped it when I started engaging the world again, found a job, etc. sitting around all day in an insular bubble isn't good for us humans. work helps me with my H, I don't have time to think about it at work and doing the things I need to do normalizes it. there may be days where the matra is, put left foot forward, now right foot, now left. breathe in, breathe out. however where depression and neurotically thinking about our virus are concerned, work helps tons.

while I cant speak to anyone elses OBs ( esp womens) I do know this, if a 50 year old male with a few extra pounds can get out into the florida heat and climb ladders, scaffolding, go 15 stories up a building in a swing stage ( wearing I might add a safety harness designed by the marquis de Sade himself) I think you will be ok. ever work with a flu starting or a toothache? allergies? H will become the work health equivalent eventually.

as to the guy, if he is treating you badly, cut your losses. you owe him nothing and are better than him. this is one that's tough to help with because matters of the heart are the ones that cut the deepest.

 

and intercourse isn't all its cracked up to be, its all the stuff that leads up to it that are the funnest in my opinion ;)~

 

and if you go back to work you will have more cheddar to have fun with, maybe take a few long weekends here or there.

 

look for a meetup group in your area. ive been to a couple meetups for my local H support group and had a blast. just being out with people who either have H or are partners to people with H and no one cares, no one is uncomfortable is fantastic for the soul. " hey im a normal person!" ( well somewhat but its not H that makes me abnormal).

 

good luck, you will do great!! go get em kiddo.

[MMissouri]

I agree with seeker. I think depression is worse when you do not have something to distract you from your thoughts. When I'm at work, I think about work. Maybe you can form some friendships there.

As for the guy, well, you won't know until you see him. I would try not to focus on him and focus on what you gain by getting back out there in the working world.

It's a new year with new beginnings-try to stay positive.

 

(Seeker- are you a painter?)

[seeker]

nope, construction worker. mainly restoration so I do myriad number of things in differing conditions. hate painting, too boring for me. lol.

[whitedaisies]

Thx every one

 

It will be nice to have more money that's for sure....definitely it's a Priority to travel as it's good for my soul.

 

I miss intercourse but yes definitely all the things before it are fun....especially if u have a talented partner. ;)

 

I guess I will just have to see what happens with this guy...don't want to let him back in....I owe him nothing and have done so much healing...I don't want him to f it up!

[seeker]

he cant F it up without your permission, so don't grant him that power. you are stronger today than you were last time he was in your life.

[whitedaisies]

Xo

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm out of town and keeping my posts short but @Seeker's last post said it all :)

 

You need to keep working on finding your power and believing in yourself... when you get there, H will not have the grip on you that it does now ... promise ;)

 

 

(((HUGS)))

[whitedaisies]

Lots of changes are going to happen for me this year and I hope they will be changes for the better

 

I am trying to be brave and have faith and letting my heart and head work together to sift thru friends, family and lovers

 

thanks everyone for the advice

 

I am normally a very strong person...there were just too many issues hitting me at once...too many major things and it just became overwhelming.

 

it definitely taught super mom and super career woman to slow down and ponder....hopefully the pondering will pay off

 

I have already done a handful of things this past year that I would have never ever done pre h and were things that allowed me to live life fuller

 

I need to have more of those occasions and have the courage to follow thru with them

 

everyone's support here always helps

 

xo

[caterpillarmonarch]

@whitedaisies - Something that helped me was the phrase "you are not your big toe." Basically, one part of you doesn't define you. It's a part of you, but it doesn't get to the core of who you are.

 

Another thing that helped me was to sit down and make a "Why would someone love (my name)" list. Doing it in the third person and listing it like this really helped. There were things like "(my real name) is really loyal and will do anything for her friends."

[whitedaisies]

great saying....I love ur name caterpillar monarch....so fitting