Just found out I have herpes & waiting on test results. Should I tell my boyfriend? Freaking out!

[neverthoughtme]

So I'm a month or so out of a monogamous 2.5 yr relationship. That person was tested & so was I prior to being sexually active. I never cheated on him & I know he didn't cheat on me. With that being said, with what I'm reading, who knows if we were actually tested for Herpes. Now I'm seeing my new boyfriend. We've known each other for 10 years. Our connection is very strong & after only 2 weeks of officially dating, we had unprotected sex. 2 days after, I was still sore & noticed what looked like sores. I immediately went to the doctor. They said they are pretty sure it's Herpes, also have a slight bacterial infection. I have never had an outbreak or any other symptoms. With me getting an OB 2 days after sex with my new partner, I'm pretty sure he gave it to me. I know this person well enough that I truly don't believe he knew he had it. Now here's the big question, I really want to go ahead & tell him because it's eating me alive! I am a very honest & upfront person! However, I have a huge fear of him rejecting me, thinking I'm gross & gave it to him (pretty common stigma) and/or never wanting to see me again. Also afraid of him telling everyone he knows, which is a lot of my same mutual friends, that I gave him Herpes. So do I go ahead & tell him or do I wait on the test results to come back?

 

Also, I have 2 children. 1 who is only 6. What precautions do I need to take to not give it to them? Is it possible for them to get it from me?

 

Thank you in advance. I am totally a nervous wreck. I plan on telling him this evening. I'm sick to my stomach typing this right now.

[neverthoughtme]

Wanted to add that I really love this guy & the feeling is mutual. I don't want to loose him!

[seeker]

well, yes you need to have a chat with him. use the info and printouts from this site. if he had it already then he needs info as bad as you do. you both need to go get tested and that ( if you want it to) could prove who had it first as it takes @ 4 months to get enough antibody to test for. he may react badly, esp if he had it, knew he had it ( or suspected) and bought into the stigma.

 

be confident in your talk.

 

now as far a kids are concerned, you need to go out and buy rubber gloves to touch them, sterilize your entire home. wash down your toilet and tub after every use with pure chlorine.

 

That my dear was snark. unless your kids come into contact with your genitals ( and if they do you have bigger problems than herpes) they aren't going to get it from you. just practice good hygiene. wash your hands ( not like lady Macbeth mind you!!).

I have a 12 y/o never really worry anymore. I do have a couple piece of mind quirks I do such as using a washcloth to dry my fun zones ( which then goes into the hamper) and spraying the toilet with hydrogen peroxide after I use it ( and really is a clean toilet seat such a bad thing? esp with a 12 y/o boy with bad aim).

 

let us know how it goes, and good luck.

[In_The_Same_Boat]

Best of luck telling him. Yes, fear of rejection is a very real thing, but telling him is the right thing to do. If you love each other, I don't see how you can possibly lose him- over something like this… And you have known each other for ten years! Sounds like you know each other very well, and this shouldn't turn out to be a huge issue.

 

Wishing you the best of luck!

[WCSDancer2010]

@neverthoughtme

 

Hello and welcome

 

However, I have a huge fear of him rejecting me, thinking I'm gross & gave it to him (pretty common stigma) and/or never wanting to see me again. Also afraid of him telling everyone he knows,

 

Look - if he blames you and doesn't take the time to get educated then that tell you a LOT about him that you may perhaps not know about him. Herpes is actually a great Wingman in that it will show you the true nature of a person.

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think

 

It certainly sounds like you got it from him. So you need to be ready to educate him, tell him that your timing/symptoms are typical of someone who just got it and that you can both do blood tests (and should, mind you) to get a real read on what you both have... if his comes back H+ and yours comes back H- right now, he gave it to you because you won't have the antibodies built up yet.

 

Do you know if you have HSV1 or 2? If it's 1, then you could have got it from oral sex (80% of people carry the HSV1 virus orally and half of all new cases of genital herpes are H1....) .

 

Print out the handouts below and show him the youtube link. You can offer to take him to your Dr with you to have it explained to him if he feels better getting informed that way. Or send him on here and we can help him...

 

BTW - if he goes and tells everyone, not only does that say a lot about him but he won't look good because people may wonder about HIS status ... and if he *did* do that, consider it a crappy wayt o find out that he's an asshole and move on ;)

 

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

 

Herpes facts video

[neverthoughtme]

Thank you all for your support & comments! I told him last night. I was so nervous when he pulled up that I literally couldn't breath! I started by telling him how much I cared for him & what our relationship meant to me. Then preceded with I need to talk to you about something important. I told him that I had noticed a difference (down there) ever since we had sex & that I decided to go to the doctor. Then I immediately had to say...I'm not pregnant lol. I told him the final results haven't come back yet but the doctor was pretty sure of what it was. I made sure I told him that I did not & was not blaming him. The easiest (and less harsh) way I chose to compare it to was acne. You have outbreaks periodically on the skin, then the majority of the time, you have nothing. He was of course a bit shocked but grabbed me, hugged me & gave me a kiss. He then said that did not change how he felt about me or looked at me & that he wasn't going anywhere. In fact, he said I was an amazing woman for being honest & telling him. He said he has been tested & that he would have never not told me if he knew. After he left to go home, he text me telling me how much more he respected me for being honest etc. It was a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders!

 

Sorry for the detailed disclosing, but I know others need examples & advice on what to say. I was that person yesterday! In conclusion, tell! Don't be afraid to be honest. Living with a lie would've been more of a death sentence then any little outbreak ;-)

 

[neverthoughtme]

@seeker

Thank you for responding in reference to kids. It really helps settle my nerves & put my mind at ease.

@WCSDancer2010

Thank you as well for taking the time to comment on getting past "the talk".

@In_The_Same_Boat

I also appreciate your sympathy & comments!

 

At the end of the day, I was like many others & thought my life was over! Now I think I'm going to live (insert sarcasam) lol! Thanks again everyone!

[whitedaisies]

Wonderful!!!!

 

So happy you received the support and loving words you so deserve

[neverthoughtme]

Now as I'm reading other posts, I have a question if you guys don't mind.

If my boyfriend is ok with everything & doesn't get tested because he (let's just say for arguments sake) assumes he did in fact give it to me & has it, do we NEED to use a condom? However, I am urging & pushing him to get tested.

[WCSDancer2010]

He said he has been tested & that he would have never not told me if he knew.

 

You need to ask him if he SPECIFICALLY asked for the Herpes test because most people believe they have been tested and the vast majority have never had a H test ... you may also want to advise him to get a hard copy of his results if he can... so he knows for sure ...because your timing indicates you got it from him ... so odds are he's ignorant about herpes testing and transmission :(

 

If he refuses to use a condom he as to realize that without testing he won't know for 100% sure that he's not carrying it in which case he assumes the risk of getting it from you. I've been in 2 relationships where we didn't use condoms ... one I took anti-virals, the other I didn't ... neither got it from me but I've had it forever so my body also has it reasonably under control. Given you likely just got it, you need to be careful for the first year or so with any partners who are not HSV2+ ... if he DOES have it, then you can't give hime *more* of it :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[neverthoughtme]

Thank you WCSDancer2010.....The way I explained it, I think he also realizes he probably gave it to me. He knows I'm not mad, it wasn't done intentionally. What I got from his reaction is well if I now have it & we are monogamous, then we will be fine with each other basically. Thanks again for taking the time to answer my questions & concerns!

[WCSDancer2010]

That's great ... one note of caution though ... for both of you ... don't stay in the relationship for one minute longer than what is right just because you both have H, ok? People often stay in a relationship for fear that "noone else will want me". Don't buy into that thinking. And make sure he gets that message too becaue it wouldn't be fair to you to hold you in a relationhip pretending things are ok when they are not ... we have plenty of proof that H- people love H+ people on here and so that's no excuse to stay in something where you are not happy ;)