At a loss here...

[fairlyme]

Hello,

 

I just found out that I have the H three days ago. It has been on my mind for months, but we could never figure out what it was. My story, not as unusual as I had thought, started with(what I thought was) a small rash on the top left cheek of my behind. I've always been an outdoors fan and frequently attended outdoor concerts in the summer. The "chiggers" eventually came back, but in a different spot and on the right side of my backside.

 

I'm in my late 20's and have had several relationships, some protected and some not. To be honest, I had never thought that this would happen. I was always more concerned with getting pregnant.

 

Now, that is the furthest fear from my mind, and the idea of getting through this and finding "my" normal is what concerns me most. I live in the Midwest, where the idea of following that traditional "American Dream" is what most of my friends have operated on. Unfortunately, that is no longer my dream. I feel adrift and lost in this.

 

Recently, I had met someone who I thought was my match. It was one of those real world encounters that places someone amazing in your path, and even though I was going through all of these issues, I still did not want to deny the opportunity of meeting this amazing person. We became friends, got close, and I had to tell this person that I have the H this week. I did it the same day that my dr. called me. Ha! Talk about ripping that band-aid off. Gosh, it hurts.

 

When I had originally gotten my tests done, it was while seeing a specialist for another reproductive issue that places me at high risk for having children. My dr. did my blood work and I tested negative, but after research and speaking with a friend, I didn't trust the test that had been ordered for me. Lucky enough, my rash came back and I was tested again. The results came back positive, and I am at a loss now.

 

As humans, we all go through (very different) life challenges and trials of spirit. This has been my hardest challenge (so far), and it scares me to death. I realize that everyone handles things differently, but I know myself well enough (fear and all). This place is where I need to begin...

 

I'm pretty scared, I've told only a few people who are closest to me, but I'm not ready to come out or be found out, yet. So, here I am.

[fitgirl]

@fairlyme

Take a deep breath! This is scary at first but I assure you, your dream is not over, your path is just taking a detour. In my experience, these life challenges are the ones that change us the most and they always change us for the BETTER. This was the hardest thing I had to deal with in my life at the time it started also, it felt like I had lost some much. I felt like I couldn't be "free" again. Free to love, to have casual sex, to feel attractive, to be "normal".

 

I was wrong. Herpes has challenged me in ways I would have never been challenged. It has forced me to figure out what matters most to me, what I value and what I appreciate. I have always said, if this is the worst thing I have to face in a world where there is so much pain and sorrow and hardship then I will gladly take it! We are actually the lucky ones here, we get to become deeper humans literally over night. We have a responsibility to ourselves and others and we should take it seriously. Through this process you will find out that the world is full of compassionate people who will love you no matter what and accept you for all your imperfections.

Change your mindset about this and it will change your life.

 

 

[fairlyme]

@fitgirl THANK YOU so much for answering my "call". This has been the worst/best week ever. I am no longer googling the "worst" in fear, nor am I trying to self diagnose what else it could possibly be. 2014 has been one of the hardest years of my life, and I have spent most of it isolating myself and driving my family up the wall. I am lucky to have them, and lucky that this wasn't something worse. Dealing with this has been hard, and I was numb when I both got my results and while having to tell the new person in my life what I now have.

 

I'm sitting here(alone), in the sunlight and responding to you(in tears). Despite all of my crazy google searches, I feel lucky to have found this site. Maybe I'll find new friends too... I can only hope.

[fitgirl]

@fairlyme

Go ahead and cry!!! Cry hard and cry loud :) then....when you are done crying, lift your head up and look around.....sounds like you have A LOT going for you girl!

 

And STOP googling!!! It will depress the shit out of you. Now that you have found this site, it's all you need as resource. Adrial has created the most informative and supportive venue for all of us to learn what we need to learn and to find the support we crave. It's nice to know you aren't alone in the herpes game, far from it! You will eventually come out of the darkness and when you do, you will see that you are bigger than this virus and stronger than you think.

 

How did the man you disclose to react? And why are you sequestering yourself when you have people around you who love you and want to help you through this? Don't punish yourself girl, reach out and receive their love and acceptance.

[fairlyme]

@fitgirl I saw fear, shock, concern, and (I think) kindness in his eyes. We were new to each other. I was going through all of these damn tests when I met him. I disclosed a little bit, but not enough to chase him away before I really knew my results. I checked in on him yesterday, and he responded. I'm happy that he did. He will go get tested, as I asked, because he had never been before. I know that I did not get this from him, I've had confusing signs since last year. Never genitally, just on my backside.

 

 

The dr. gave me the wrong blood test, at first. That week of waiting was terrible, and when I received the negative result, I was astonished. Upon further googling, I read that the test I was given is not accurate for use with blood samples. I didn't want to pass on something that I still thought I had to someone who I truly cared about, for the first time in a looooong time.

 

For the longest time, I actively searched for someone to fill what I was lacking...love. I compared myself to my friends and wondered what was wrong with me. I am frequently told that I am (physically) beautiful, funny, smart, witty, and a fine catch for someone. My only problem was the men that I was meeting only wanted one thing from me, and I (despite, not really wanting to, nor feeling comfortable with doing it) gave them what they wanted. I know that I have wronged myself, and that my insecurities are the reason why I now have this. It's been hard... really hard. All I wanted was love and a family one day. Now, I have this and will have to figure out how to build myself back up.

 

I bought a new dress this past week, it's from my favorite company. It came to my apt today, and I tried it on. Sad thing is, this dress is sooo cute, yet I feel ugly in it. That's not how I use to feel. Clothing was a costume to how I really felt, and now I can't hide under it anymore.

 

[fitgirl]

@fairlyme

His reaction was natural and to be expected. Give him time to learn and think. Send him to this site if you haven't already.

As for your statement about why you have the virus now... I want you to STOP thinking that you have wronged yourself or "deserved" this. that is absolutely not true. You are a young woman who is trying to figure herself out and find love and happiness like everyone else in the world! Herpes doesn't discriminate, it doesn't judge and it certainly isn't punishment for past choices.

 

If you ask me, the virus is a blessing. You can now use it as a filter for the men who were only there to use you and you no longer have to give them what they "want". You are free from that now. Now you rebuild the new you, you do the work and take the time for yourself to figure out why you feel inadequate. Remember, you can't find someone to fill the void in your heart, that's YOUR job. How can you expect someone to love and respect you if you don't love and respect yourself? You have to show the kindness and love to yourself to find a partner that loves YOU.

It sounds like you don't know who you are deep inside yet.... start there. Figure out what makes you tick. What makes you happy? What makes you feel proud? If others see you as a catch, what holds you back from believing it about yourself? If you can start to answer these questions you will be on your way to healing

 

I have said this to many people on this forum, the issues that often arise after diagnosis are actually issues that were always there long before you had herpes. There is a reason Adrial has called this an opportunity......its an opportunity to grow into a deeper human being.

 

The friends you speak of that are living their "American dream" may not be who you think they are entirely. They may be just as lost as you are, they just find ways to cover that up. You used clothing as your cloak and played into your own insecurities, what makes you think everyone else has it all figured out? A lot of people are living a superficially "happy" life but is it authentic? You now have to get real with yourself and discover that your life with herpes is going to be better than your life before it but only if you take control of your destiny and see the silver lining in all of this. It's there and for someone who is on the "other side" of this process, I can tell you that life is so much more fulfilling over here :)

[fairlyme]

@fitgirl Thank you, again. I have been searching for quite some time for what makes me tick and it is an uphill battle, constantly. Lately, I have been sleeping A LOT. I'm a petite person and have dropped weight (all stress related). I want to get out there and find my tick, but now I'm having social anxieties. I never had anything like this before, and I feel so disconnected. I've spent the last few days traveling through this forum and reading, reading, reading stories from everyone. It's a blessing, that's why I joined today. I even watched Adrial's videos.

 

I know that my journey has just begun, but my biggest fear is the same as most others, "How will I find a partner?" I've had my first (h) talk on the very same day as my results, now the issue is trust. I've read the stats, but I honestly want to know the male perspective on this. As women, it seems like we dominate a major portion of this site and open discussions.

[fitgirl]

@fairlyme

Yes, the site is dominated by females for sure....at least the postings. the men are lurking they just aren't talking :)

Do you want to hear from men who are H+ to get their perspective?

[fairlyme]

@fitgirl Yes. I honestly would. It would be nice to get some male perspective on this. I know that we are all human and have feelings, but as a woman, I know that we express ourselves differently. I know that no one is alone in this, we are all friends here. I'm just ready to start developing the right friendships. I still have so many questions to address and I want to better understand my new (lifelong) partner(s). I still can't stand my "yuck", yet I want to better deal with it.

[fairlyme]

This dress that I'm hanging in my closet is so pretty, and it fits "me" well, but I want to feel pretty in it and not afraid.

[fitgirl]

@fairlyme @Sil88 @BMShas

I have tagged a few men I know on the forum that I think may be able to help you :)

Fellas.... can you shed some light from a male perspective?

[Beachdude1984]

@fitgirl Yes. I honestly would. It would be nice to get some male perspective on this. I know that we are all human and have feelings, but as a woman, I know that we express ourselves differently. I know that no one is alone in this, we are all friends here. I'm just ready to start developing the right friendships. I still have so many questions to address and I want to better understand my new (lifelong) partner(s). I still can't stand my "yuck", yet I want to better deal with it.

 

What exactly is your question? I'm not trying to be a smartass, I just want to be able to give you a thorough answer.

[Sil88]

I admire the fact that you held onto suspicions and even ignored a negative test to get a definite answer. You even told him the same day as your results came back, so how can the issue be trust? I can't be sure how he feels because H was a surprise for me, my giver ignored warning signs and only told me about the clues after it was passed on. I wasn't given the choice but if I had been, I would stand by my choice and it would block regret from ever entering the equation. Sometimes I wonder how I caught it from the first encounter when guys have such a low chance of catching it.. Maybe I shouldn't have shaved, maybe I should've showered straight away. But your location sounds even less likely to transfer it. Just avoid certain positions, and wear pyjama bottoms in bed. Guys aren't all made to the same blueprints, so you'll have to wait and see. But if he's worked through his own problems before and has real relationship intentions, then he'll see through it. H isn't much of a barrier if you're looking for a keeper, and sounds like you've got a lot going for you! Just try not to treat it as a big black cloud.. It's there and you addressed it, but don't feed it too much. I know a few girls with H and they look great, flaunt that dress. Allow H to boost the other 95% of your life. You don't need to make up for it, but any source of motivation to improve yourself is worth grabbing.

[fairlyme]

@beachdude1984 is it a bad thing that I don't exactly know all that I want to ask you just yet? I'm dealing with this one day at a time from an over emotional, female perspective... I guess that what I would like to know initially, is how you came to find out and the process you took to deal with it. I don't know how long you've had this, but how/when did you decide to get back out there and reclaim your life?

[WCSDancer2010]

@fairlyme

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Wow am I behind on the Forum!! I'm traveling and had limited access to the internet for the last couple days ... so I'm really relieved to see @fitgirl doing such a brilliant job of supporting you through these first few days post diagnosis. I couldn't have said anything better ;)

 

.

 

For the longest time, I actively searched for someone to fill what I was lacking...love. I compared myself to my friends and wondered what was wrong with me. I am frequently told that I am (physically) beautiful, funny, smart, witty, and a fine catch for someone. My only problem was the men that I was meeting only wanted one thing from me, and I (despite, not really wanting to, nor feeling comfortable with doing it) gave them what they wanted. I know that I have wronged myself, and that my insecurities are the reason why I now have this. It's been hard... really hard. All I wanted was love and a family one day. Now, I have this and will have to figure out how to build myself back up.

 

Your story (looking for love, but not honoring your body by having sex before you are really ready) is sooooooo common (not just on here, but everywhere :( ) The "opportunity" that Herpes gives you is to force you to stop and reassess what is right for YOU ... it forces you to slow relationships down ... to sorta "vet" your love prospects a bit more before becoming intimate and vulnerable. Herpes is a great Wingman ... (yep, crazy but true). It helps you to determine who is into YOU and who wants to GET INTO you! ;)

 

Relationships

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

.

 

I bought a new dress this past week, it's from my favorite company. It came to my apt today, and I tried it on. Sad thing is, this dress is sooo cute, yet I feel ugly in it. That's not how I use to feel. Clothing was a costume to how I really felt, and now I can't hide under it anymore.

 

This too shall pass. Promise. Speaking as a 35 yr veteran, Herpes has generally just been a speed bump at times in my life... sometimes stopping me from getting into relationships that would have been unhealthy and sometimes telling me that I need to take better care of myself. ;)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/92/the-positive-side-of-being-herpes-positive

 

I can tell that you are smart and have a generally good perspective on life. You will get through this and grow from it and become a better person for it... the kind of person that will attract the man who doesn't just want to get in your pants, but wants to get into your heart :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Truthbetold]

Hello fairlyme,

I'm a male and recently posted my story here a few days ago, even though I've had this lovely gift for awhile. Was diagnosed a couple years ago. I totally feel you though about being lost and all, for I'm still trying to find out who Iam and what makes me tick. But when my doctor left me the positive results over my voicemail, I was literally in shock, angry, sad, almost every emotion I could think of. My last partner was my giver, and she denied it, but later she basically told me she's been taking supplements for H. We're no longer together, it's been about six months, and believe me, a relationship with another woman is the last thing on my mind, but at the same time I wish I had one. But like fitgirl said, we need to fill the void ourselves first and that is where I'm at. Trying to fill that void for myself. This is the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life, especially after my ex has left me, but it's better she is out of my life. It's a blessing and ironic at the same time that I have gotten more support on this site than from her. I'll tell you for me, my emotions now are like waves, I just have to ride them out. I'll have really awesome days but as soon as I think of "her" or my H, it brings me down. What gets me through is talking with friends or family, work, reading, setting goals, and now this site. I really think excersise will help but I haven't gotten that far yet lol. Anyways, if you need to talk, I'm here for support. Things will get better. Take care!