When is the right time to have the H talk with someone you are dating and really like?

JesusGirl74 · February 17, 2015

This is a question that I have been trying to figure out for a long time and close family/friends think that I say something too fast. When I first started dating 14 plus years ago after finding out that I had it, I presented it like a horrible life sentence. Crazy enough, I had been in two serious relationships (one of them marriage with a child) and they were completely accepting. The irony is, now that I am not "freaking out" when I talk about it and explain it in the manner suggested in this website, I've been rejected more. I know that is not the norm of what should happen when presenting it in the relaxed confident way, but it's what is happening.

One guy acted like he did not care about it and then turned around after we messed around (NO SEX though) and said that he had a change of heart about it. He further said that he read that if we had children together by chance that there is a chance that our children or him could get Cerebral Palsy from herpes and he did not want to risk that. He also threw the "since we are Christians guilt trip" on me for us even messing around (which he totally engaged in as I did not force myself on him) leaving me to feel embarrassed, guilt-ridden and angry.

I'm dating again and have been introduced to a friend's son. We have been talking for a few weeks and are very interested in each other. He has been asking a lot of probing questions (character-based) that come along with dating and we have also been sharing lots of our personal past history with each other. Mine includes a bit of wild and crazy days when I was younger, but we share the fact that we have children and are divorced. Both of us have dealt a lot with our exes, etc.

With that being said, I just felt like it was the right time the other day to disclose it. We are both very busy and rarely get to see each other in person, so I decided to tell him over the phone. He seemed okay with it and I disclosed it in a positive healthy manner. He does not know much about it, but did say after I explained what the different types of herpes was that his ex got cold sores. I told him that was herpes, etc. At any rate, he seemed fine overall...but he has been distant the past several days. So now I'm confused...Did I say something too fast?

When is the right time to say something???

mr_hopp · February 17, 2015

Hey there JG and welcome!

This is a great question. And a very popular one!

Start first by watching this video:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-talk/

... and have you downloaded the ebook and handouts yet? These are all great places to start!

http://bit.ly/1FfHyH4

livinginrainbow · February 17, 2015

This is such a hard one. Reading the sight has given me so much info on this. However, that doesn't make it easier. I think it's the right time when you know its time. That may be too soon for the other person or it may not be. But we all know when a 'relationship' gets to the point where something needs to be said. Maybe that's too early, maybe it's not. But really we have to ask ourselves 'after a good verbal connection has been made, would another 2 weeks, 4 weeks 6 weeks have made the other person more okay with the risk?' You can have an amazing 6month connection with someone, that does not mean that even after 6 months of investment they will be anymore okay with it then they would have at 6 weeks. You will know when you are at a point where for YOUR peace of mind and comfort you need to know whether they can cope or not, and you will mention it. And it will evolve in one direction or the other, and it will be okay :)

JesusGirl74 · February 17, 2015

Thank you both Adrial and livinginrainbow! :) I really appreciate you taking the time to comment.

WCSDancer2010 · February 17, 2015

@JesusGirl74

Hello and Welcome!

As @livinginrainbow said - there is no perfect time. I'm 100% out in all my online profiles as well as in real life and I've had men approach me and say they'd love to get to know me (even tho they are a "little scared" sometimes because of their ignorance about the virus) just because they are so impressed with my confidence and transparency. So there is never a "too soon" ... a lot depends on the other person and your personal level of comfort with it. Many on here who are not "out" find that the virus sorta forces them to go slower with a new person so that they get to "vet" them more ... get to know them better (without the complications of sex-induced hormone brain fog!) ... AND the other person has also been able to do the same thing with them ... and then the disclosure sorta acts as the "litmus test" of whether the other person honestly want's to get into YOU, or "get into" you ;)

AND ... your guy may be doing some research and soul searching about how he REALLY feels about you.... give him time to figure it out.... as someone said on here awhile back

I don’t need someone who says “I love you, BUT…”, I want someone who says “I love you regardless”.

These links may help you to figure out what is right for you.

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/when-should-i-disclose/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5915/dating-and-disclosing-with-herpes#latest

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think