Potentially going into my first disclosure... and need support, advice, anything.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey everyone, I've been missing in action lately (my apologies) only because I have been caught up in the start of something amazing... I did not see this man coming, but in the last week, we have become entangled with one another... problem is, he doesn't live here. I live in a vacation destination, and he was here, visiting with family... good old tinder was the means that ignited a first date, and then we spent the rest of the week wanting to see each other at every opportunity we had. I made it clear to him that I wanted to take the physical side of things slowly, and he was respectful... but the chemistry is there. I know he really likes me, that his intentions are honest and sincere, and that he wants to pursue something... ready to book a flight and come back to spend more time with me. So, here I am... I know I should probably tell him before he comes again, before he books his flight, but if I had a choice, I would want to wait and get to know him better, and let him get to know me... I just don't feel like I have that choice; like it wouldn't be fair to wait if this is going to be a deal-breaker for him. I also would prefer to tell him in person... especially considering this is my first real disclosure, but I am torn with the pros and cons of this situation. I guess, I would like to hear what you guys think... should I bite the bullet and tell over him skype? I could also tell him there is something that I need to discuss with him and that it might be a deal-breaker, and that I would prefer to tell him in person... that way he has a choice to come, knowing a potential consequence is looming. It would also allow him to ask to know in advance... perhaps let him make the call on how I disclose. I am scared, definitely scared, but realize that whatever is meant to happen will happen. Any advice/support would be appreciated.

[fitgirl]

@PositivelyBeautiful

I have been where you are. There are a few options..... you could tell him over skype, you could tell him over skype that you are going to email a "letter" with something you want to explain. you could also wait for him to come. If you feel like your gut is telling you that doing this in person is best for you, then wait. A trip to visit you should not come with the expectation of sex! If he is coming to see YOU then he will get what he came for. In my situation, I decided to send an email (after setting it up over skype that I had something important to share. That worked well for me because it gave him time to think about how to feel and react without being put on the spot. I know that I would prefer a written message as opposed to face to face (that's the controlling part of me). It gives a chance to absorb the information and formulate questions without feeling pressure to react in an acceptable way. That's just ME. In my case. It worked out amazingly....he responded via skype after he had a chance to process the info. he asked a few questions and I sent him to this site. (actually put the link in the email). He basically replied that "you aren't getting rid of me that easily" :)

 

All this said, you have to decide what you are most comfortable with and be prepared for any outcome. I have yet to have a mann "reject" me because of herpes and I believe that is because I have owned my status, been honest and upfront. They can take me or leave me. Accept me or not. Showing confidence and power makes them realize this is really a minor glitch in the big picture of life. I know it's scary, I have had the virus for over 15 years and the disclosures are never fun but you can't control how others feel. Accept any result, we are all just human.

 

Good luck, keep me posted.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Thanks for the supportive words of wisdom @fitgirl... I am not sure what I intend to do right now. The letter idea does appeal to me because it would not be the first time that I use written words to communicate something deeply important to me, but I think in this case, I may want him to see my vulnerability. I'm just really not sure if now is the right time... I know he would not come here expecting sex; he confessed to me that he once made a girl wait 4 months before having sex with her because he too wanted to put love before sex. He gets that part (and jokingly said this is karma...lol) ... but it's the natural progression of kissing to foreplay that concerns me... I don't want him to touch me down there until he knows... and there's only so much hand swatting that I can do... especially considering we are both very attracted to one another (not just physically, I might add). On the flip side, I know it's likely better to know if he's not prepared to accept this now, than get more invested. My gut is telling me I need more time to get know him better, but I feel conflicted with everything else that plays into this scenario. This is tough one. Concerning the rejection... if it does happen, I know I'll bounce back. It's the putting my heart on the line thing that scares me... being that 'naked' if you will... but I know there is also opportunity in being vulnerable and that tremendous growth, regardless of the outcome, will come from facing this fear. Lastly, I don't know if I will be able to be so matter-of-fact about this since it's my first time, but I will try my best. Thank you though for your guidance, and I will definitely keep you posted!

[fitgirl]

@PositivelyBeautiful

Yes..... I found it soooo much harder to disclose the deeper I got. more on the line, more to lose.

If he isn't coming expecting sex, then I would let him come.... enjoy the visit and see how it goes (with no sex). Having other contact with hands is not much of a risk and is virtually zero risk without an active OB. So see how it progresses but be safe. And BTW, "safe" doesn't mean anal!!!! And by anal I mean rigid ;).

Herpes doesn't ooze out of every pore of your body. Transmission isn't instant and it extremely unlikely when hands are involved. I have had 15+ yrs of sexual experiences that had zero transmission. Don't met the virus consume your womanhood, its only a small part of who you are. Whatever you decide, as long as it feels right for you then it's the right choice. Life cannot be full of second guessing, just live it!! Be mindful and know you are following your gut instinct and your heart :)

[whitedaisies]

Excellent post. Excellent advice. Thanks for being part of the forum fitgirl

[WCSDancer2010]

......I may want him to see my vulnerability. I'm just really not sure if now is the right time... I know he would not come here expecting sex; he confessed to me that he once made a girl wait 4 months before having sex with her because he too wanted to put love before sex. .......My gut is telling me I need more time to get know him better, but I feel conflicted with everything else that plays into this scenario.

 

@fitgirl hit it all spot on ... I just want to point out that if your gut says wait, then wait. If he's not coming expecting sex, and he's made his past GF wait for sex, then perhaps HE has a reason to go slow too ... ;)

 

I say take your time and go with the gut ... because the gut rarely gets it wrong :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Thanks ladies, much appreciated. Feeling a bit more grounded in my gut feeling this morning. I'll keep you all posted as this develops... to be continued.