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Lack of intimacy leaves bf upset

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Last night my bf made me feel like im in the wrong....

I found out I have hsv1 genitally about 3 weeks ago from receiving oral from him. I think this week I'm back to normal with my symptoms at bay. Last week we had sex and it was really uncomfortable :( So all and all at this point I don't feel sexy, the last thing on my mind is sex, and I definitely not into having it. I feel like these feelings aren't uncommon from what I've been reading, and for me I just need some time to deal with things, and the new life I will lead.

He's a way more touchy/ honery then I am throughout our whole relationship. He tried to get frisky on a few occasions yesterday and I turned him down. I don't want to, don't want to fake it.... I mean I feel like I shouldn't hold those feelings in. So he gets mad and says he doesn't want to hear about it, and I make him feel like he's discusting and leaves.

He is a sweet man, thinks I'm sexy and loves me. But I just can't get back there yet.

Has anyone been in this situation? I'm kinda at lose and feel like maybe I do just need time if I can't give him what he needs.

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Hey there... I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with doing, whenever you feel ready. I have not been intimate with anyone yet, so can't speak from experience. However, you are more than justified in wanting to take time to properly process this and come to terms with the diagnosis. Healing from this is not not all about the physical, and your boyfriend should respect the time that you need. That said, have you considered going to see someone to talk this out? Perhaps it would benefit you both. Having open lines of communication, calmly being able to explain each other's points of views would probably benefit you both. I understand that you might still have resentment, but if you choose to stay with him, you need to work on forgiving him too. I assume he didn't willingly give you herpes, so putting him down and making him feel badly about it is not going to help matters. Feeling sexy again after getting herpes is hard, but you have to work towards getting your mind back in a better place. Seeing as this is fairly new, I think more time is definitely required, but if you feel stuck, maybe reach for help from a professional. I believe others on here have also started slowly... not so much jumping back into sex, but starting for touching, massages, foreplay... keeping it light to build that level of comfort back up slowly. Hope this helps a bit.

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Thanks your the kind and wise words. I totally understand, he did not mean to do this, he feels bad. Also I have never told him I think he's gross or anything of the sort. I tried telling him that the reason I don't want to have sex has nothing to do with him, it's really about me emotionally and physically. I have thought about talking to someone, but yet come to find out one of my best friends has it too that I broke down to. I really do have a great support system. Family and friends and I'm very fortunate for that.

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It's normal to feel less sexy when you discover you have herpes and even moreso when you have an OB. You will learn to deal with that over time, be patient with yourself. But..... as much as you feel this way, I suggest you talk with your BF, he is feeling the guilt of giving it to you along with the fact that he is dealing with herpes also. It's not easy for either of you but if you have open dialouge you can get through this stage together and be more connected than ever before. Don't shut him out and don't shut down, you are in this together and if you feel badly about yourself he will feel even worse about himself. I know it's hard to come to terms with the diagnosis but take from a vet..... you do get your sexy back and you have a man who needs you to understand and accept him just as much as you need him to understand and accept you. There is no blame in this, if you come together you will find a deeper level of connection.

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Hello and Welcome!


Unfortunately, as the late Robin Williams once said.... men's blood supply can only deal with one head at a time ... and right now it sounds like your BF is suffering from that circulation issue :p


It's totally not unusual to feel unsexy and all kinds of other emotions soon after diagnosis. However, perhaps HE is feeling guilty AND needy for proof that you still love him and want him. I'd be willing to guess that at least *part* of his behavior is coming from the fear that you will not love him/will always "blame" him/not desire him any more.... so perhaps you can sit him down and talk to him ... or better yet, you may want to get some professional help so that you can work through BOTH of your feelings about what has happened. Even just a trip to your OBGYN with him may help as they may help him to understand that this is normal for someone who is recently diagnosed ....


In the meantime, there's TONS of other ways to be intimate... we've had some great discussions on here , so I'll link to them for you ... perhaps you can work with him to find other ways to get your freak on and show each other that you care ... ;)


(These are labeled "safe" alternatives to sex, but it will do for your situation too :) )








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I think dancer hit it on the head ( no pun intended). He may be feeling guilty or even less than desirable himself and I will tell you from personal experience and male friends ( im male if you don't know) we can only take so much rejection from the women we care for and then we shut down. it doesn't really matter at the moment what the rejection is about its the rejection itself. my ex used to reject me so much I stopped trying, told her to let me know when but I am not putting myself out there anymore just to be hurt and if I ever rejected her advances one time I know it would have sent her into a deep depression yet she would just shunt me aside regularly and I was suppose to just accept it as the way she was. so yes dancer was correct mostly only it actually may not be the "little head" he is thinking with, its the big one.

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