Question about this Girl?

[riverstyx]

@fitgirl

 

Yes, I'm worried if something comes back positive.

[fitgirl]

@riverstyx

Ok.... soooooo remember the scare you had? Remember how you felt when you thought you had herpes? Don't ever forget that feeling. IF she does have something, it would be great if you could be as open and accepting of her as she took your "disclosure" right? And IF you did have herpes, wouldn't you have wanted someone to accept you? My point is, it's natural to have some concern over this but you should have a clear understanding of how shitty it feels to be on the other side and how amazing it would feel to have someone's support. The reality is.... unless she has HIV or HSV, the other std's are treatable and curable so no big deal really. (HPV is incurable but likely you both have that already if you have slept with more than 3 people )

 

Regardless of the outcome, it will be just fine. Go into it with the positivity and understanding you would appreciate. Keep us posted! :)

[riverstyx]

@fitgirl

 

Yes well, if she does have something, I will treat her with the dignity and respect that I wanted when I was going through my scare. This makes me remember when I got my low-positive (false-positive) tests and my family was not supportive. I was talking about it a lot but they didn't want to hear it and my brother told me that the way I was acting was "disgraceful." I understand that my parents are older and don't want to hear about herpes, so maybe it was not the best to go to them for support. But still, the false-positive test came as a complete shock. Even now they refuse to let me use the term "herpes scare" to describe what I went through.

[fitgirl]

@riverstyx

You have shown grace and dignity so far and I would expect nothing less :) it's unfortunate that you didn't / don't have the support of your family. Ignorance is all around us and unfortunately it can come from the ones we love too. You are better than that and you are enlightened as a result of your scare. Herpes has a stigma but we can change that one person at a time. Our deepest connections are often the ones we make on our own, not the ones we are born into. Family can be complicated and judgmental. You can create a family of your own that breaks that cycle and I believe that you will. Regardless of what happens with this girl, you have grown immensely already. Keep going! Don't be afraid, be open and see this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Herpes has given you a gift and you don't even have the virus.....that's awesome shit right there ;)

[riverstyx]

@fitgirl

 

What bothers me so much is that when my older brother was going through a completely different health scare my mother was over his apartment helping him for hours a night, every night, for months. She never told him to "stop obsessing." I think they think I brought this herpes scare on myself because while I got tested, I didn't get tested for a good reason. I was browsing the internet one day, came across some herpes statistics I didn't like (about people not knowing they have it) and I decided to get tested. That started the whole false-positive thing. But if I brought this up to my mother she would likely respond just as I said: she would say I brought it on myself for no good reason. To me that massively misses the point. Yes, maybe I shouldn't have gotten tested. But I did. And then I got the positive result which I didn't know was a false positive for four months. So *regardless* of the validity of the reasons for getting tested in the first place, I was in a difficult situation. So I think a little empathy from her would've been better. But I don't know why she wasn't more empathetic. According to my mother and brother my herpes scare was my "fault." And when I tell them that yes I did get a false positive, they immediately say that oh well we're not going to get into talking about it and we're not going to talk about the situation. So as soon as I bring that up, they don't have a compelling response and so they default to "I'm not going to rehash it." That seems really unfair to me. Is it me? Or are they being assholes? An outside perspective would help here.

[fitgirl]

@riverstyx

THEY ARE BEING ASSHOLES. As far as I can tell..... you are doing all the right things. All the responsible things and even if they don't understand it completely they should be supportive of "doing the right thing". I am sorry to hear they are so harsh and ignorant. I am sorry they don't understand. It doesn't make sense to me. I have herpes and I have a son...... I would never trivialize my son and never trivialize the impact of herpes (or anything he felt was important). Parents do their best but they often miss the mark completely. Truth is.... is you have never had herpes (or thought you did) you can't relate. They are just a typical part of the population. Just because they are related doesn't always mean they will "get it". You are smarter and stronger than that. Don't let them bring you down, it's all they know. Just remember, you can be better and do better. Our parents disappoint us at times, it doesn't make them bad people, just limited. You can take the good and leave the bad. Don't take it personally, they are just dealing with what they are capable of. It's not YOU, it's THEM :)

 

[WCSDancer2010]

I wouldn't say they are being assholes .. I'd say they are showing their ignorance ( there IS a difference!) Ignorance is one of the most deadly of "diseases" in that it causes a whole lot of judgement and pain and misunderstanding .... while it may not be a "Mental Illness", it causes just as pain as many true mental illnesses in that the "receiver" (the person who the ignorance is pointed at) often takes the assults and statements PERSONALLY ... and honey - their statements and actions are NOT a reflection on you .... they are a direct reflection on THEM ... and truth of the matter is ... YOU CAN'T CHANGE THEM! You can only deal with how you REACT to them.

 

So - think on this for a moment. You had an "expectation" of how they *should* act/be with you when you disclosed to them.... and many teachings (especially Buddhist ... but many others) tell us that "Attachment" (ie, expectations) is the root of all pain ... and in my personal experience, this has been the single biggest thing that I have learned over the years ... that the more I work on not being attached to how someone *should* act or how some scenario *should* go, the happier I am. I can then choose to either accept and love the person exactly as they are (ignorance and all) or to get them out of my life (depending on their relationship to me and the level of their actions/behaviors). It makes for a MUCH simpler and happier life for me! So check this link out about Attachments ... I think it's my single most favorite inspirational reading that I turn to a LOT when life is giving me challenges that push my buttons... because almost everything that upsets me goes back to my being attached to an outcome :)

 

http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/

 

(((HUGS)))

[riverstyx]

@WCSDancer2010

 

I understand what you're saying. It's just really irritating to me that they were so nice and considerate to my brother during his difficult time and were so dismissive and impatient with me. It's inconsistency that bothers me. My herpes scare intersects very old and deep issues concerning our different treatment at the hands of our parents, who definitely had favorites (though neither of my parents would ever admit that publicly to us). So I suggested to my mother that she accompany me to my weekly therapy session next week.

 

My brother's one comment bothers me. When he said I was "obsessed" with herpes over the summer, I calmly told him that I had received not one, but two false-positive tests. I kindly asked him to explain how he would react in similar circumstances. He said "oh well I'm not going to get into it and rehash the whole issue." I really hate that. So as soon as I say something reasonable and provide an objection to his presumptuous view, rather than acknowledge my point and the reasonableness of my feelings he disengages and says he "won't rehash it." That's disingenuous and self-serving to me. And I would be lying if I didn't say that that will affect our relationship for the worse.

 

 

 

[fitgirl]

@riverstyx and @WCSdancer2010

As always dancer has a softer approach than many of us and she is not wrong about ignorance. It's always better to give the benefit of the doubt. That said........ there is a really fine line between ignorant and asshole ;) sometimes, ignorance is at play and requires empathy and guidance but when you offer that up time and time again and you are continually hurt and dismissed by the ones you need support from they may not merely be ignorant but actual assholes :). All I am saying, is that I understand how hurtful it is when your feelings are not considered and you are not validated and this isn't even about herpes, its about respect in general. I am not suggesting you be antagonistic to your family or give up hope in trying to get through to them but I do know how you feel. It's a hard position to be in..... family is complicated and they do their best but often it falls short.

[riverstyx]

@fitgirl

 

I particularly like what you said above in one of the earlier posts on this thread: often the ones we are closest to are not the ones we are related to. I have a best friend in my life who I am very close to and I am grateful for that and I think he understands me and this issue much better than my family.

[fitgirl]

@riverstyx

I am glad you have someone in your life you can connect to. We don't need many, we just need a few. Blood doesn't connect us in the way we hope it would at times. Love has so many layers and sources. Be open to all the opportunities and don't let the disappointing relationships define you. The world is full of positive connections you just have to allow them into your life.

[WCSDancer2010]

Another saying is that those that are closest to us often hurt us the most :(

 

But the reason for that is that we expect them to behave the way WE want them to... ;)

 

@WCSDancer2010

 

I understand what you're saying. It's just really irritating to me that they were so nice and considerate to my brother during his difficult time and were so dismissive and impatient with me. It's inconsistency that bothers me. My herpes scare intersects very old and deep issues concerning our different treatment at the hands of our parents, who definitely had favorites (though neither of my parents would ever admit that publicly to us). So I suggested to my mother that she accompany me to my weekly therapy session next week.

 

My brother's one comment bothers me. When he said I was "obsessed" with herpes over the summer, I calmly told him that I had received not one, but two false-positive tests. I kindly asked him to explain how he would react in similar circumstances. He said "oh well I'm not going to get into it and rehash the whole issue." I really hate that. So as soon as I say something reasonable and provide an objection to his presumptuous view, rather than acknowledge my point and the reasonableness of my feelings he disengages and says he "won't rehash it." That's disingenuous and self-serving to me. And I would be lying if I didn't say that that will affect our relationship for the worse.

 

 

So - as long as it's irritating you, you are "attached" to how they are "meant" to be. I totally get the frustration, believe me. But I've finally reached a place where I can *usually* just shrug it off when people are like this and not take it personally ... (because really, you ARE taking their behaviors personally, and honey, this is NOT about YOU ;) ). I get it that you just needed to he HEARD by them ... but they are all so full of their own "stuff", they don't know how to truly just be able to hold a space for someone and LISTEN. In fact, most people don't really listen ... they are too busy formulating their reply to totally hear where you are coming from :(

 

I think it's a GREAT idea that you have asked your mother to go to therapy with you, because basically you have a disconnect as far as where you are each coming from. But think on this: your issue was connected to something that most of the "older" generation has a hard time discussing ... ESPECIALLY with their kids, and that's SEX. So perhaps that dismissiveness was also a discomfort with the thought that YOUR issue was connected to "that which we don't discuss" ... :)

 

So - did you read the link about Attachment? If not, I strongly suggest that you read it through ... if I could only ever suggest ONE website to everyone to deal with everything in their life, that would be the site I'd pick :)

 

(((HUGS)))