Question about this Girl?

[riverstyx]

Hi Everyone!!

 

I don't know if you remember me: I had quite the HSV-2 scare during the summer of 2014. Long story short, I had the Western Blot done, and another immunoblot, and I got my negative result (18 months after my last *possible* exposure) so I know I don't have it.

 

But the experience was traumatic and I want to be more responsible about my dating life and get checked for STDs with every new partner.

 

I had met this one girl online a couple of months ago, and after a brief lull in communication we started talking more frequently over the past few weeks, and we have been on several dates. I can feel myself really starting to grow fond of this girl, and that's something I never really let myself feel before. So naturally I want things to work out. I can feel that it is getting to "that time" when we are going to become physically intimate, so I definitely want to have a talk with her about STDs. Now, believe me, I know that's not a romantic or sexy conversation, but it's one I definitely have to have for my peace of mind. I have scripted how I want it to go, and so maybe you can tell me whether it sounds good and what changes I need to make? Thanks!

 

Hi ____, the reason I wanted to talk tonight was because I think we're both at a stage in our relationship where we've developed feelings for each other and want to take things to the next level. I know I feel strongly about you and I want things to work out. But I also want to make sure that we do right by each other and are responsible. So what I'm proposing is that we both get tested for STDs before we become intimate. Please understand this is not about me suspecting you of having something, and it's definitely not about whether I trust you or not. I do. It's about knowledge. I think we will feel that much better if we know whether this will be something we have to confront or not, and it's important because practically every major STD can appear without symptoms. I trust you and I want the best for us."

 

How does it sound??? Do you think she'll go for it?

[ihaveittoo]

Sounds good. Does she know about your scare? Let her know the statistics. 80% of the people who have herpes don't know they have it. Have your results ready to present to her if you haven't already.

[riverstyx]

I figured I would leave that part out because the doctor said I don't have it because of my western blot and immunoblot negative. So why open that can of worms.

[ihaveittoo]

She may start asking questions about if you have an STD past. If your going to be completely honest then the herpes scare should be made known. Your test results will prove you to be negative.

[sickoflifelessons]

I think sharing your experience with her will help have a more honest/open discussion, and will also give perspective as to why you are bringing up the STD test in the first place (not that it's an inappropriate request, but it may not be something that has been asked of her before).

 

Why do you think it would be "opening a can of worms"? To me it seems like it would contribute to the discussion. And, if you are afraid of her reaction, as @ihaveittoo said, you have the results to prove you're negative; I think any rational person would be accepting of that. I can see the reasoning behind "why bother telling her about this?" if you were looking for a casual relationship, but it from your post it sounds like she means more than that to you, and if you're going to pursue a serious relationship with her, transparency and honesty are going to be important, regardless of STD status.

[riverstyx]

Hmm, I guess I see what you are both saying. I'm confident in my negative result I just figured what's the point but maybe it will provide some context for the discussion we will have. I feel silly saying I am nervous about it, but I know most people don't talk about STDs first so I don't want her to think I'm weird. I've never had this discussion before.

[fitgirl]

I agree with the previous posts. Use your experience as a starting point. Full disclosure and honesty is number one on most women's list of what they look for in a man. Take it from me, honesty and vulnerability and the willingness to have uncomfortable conversations (the ones that are awkward but matter most) is a huge connecting factor. Men willing to put themselves out there are very desirable ;). Not weird at all...... your efforts would make you even more attractive in my books. Openness and honesty are hot!

[riverstyx]

@fitgirl

 

It makes sense. Part of it is personal, I mean, I never met a woman I felt comfortable being that vulnerable with, so this is hard for me. But she's the first girl I feel genuine affection for in a long time and I do want to make this work. I just hope she doesn't react in a negative way and I hope she doesn't question my negative results.

[fitgirl]

@riverstyx I totally get how hard this is.....been there a few times. Not to be taken lightly.... its very important to you and super scary. I get it! What I can guarantee.... regardless of how she takes it, you will be a better man for having faced the fear and taken a chance. THAT is how you will find the woman of your dreams. Too many men let the good ones get away because they are afraid to take emotional risks. Don't let that be you.... if she isn't the one, it's good practice for the next lucky lady :)

[seeker]

I agree with fitgirl and ihaveittoo, I think adding your journey thru the scare adds to the discussion. it could even be the opener, "Listen I want to discuss something with you, I recently had a very eye opening event in my life and I feel we are at the point in our relationship where this is pertinent" ( you could even throw us H+ people a bone by mentioning how many decent people you met because of it). or however you want to say it, plus if its the lead in you " inoculate" the conversation by bringing it up first. no, " why is he asking about this?" also its not normal to NOT ask about std testing when a relationship has come to a certain point IMHO. I know it came up with me and my now ex wife.

[riverstyx]

OK, well I am going out with the girl after work on Saturday, so that is when I will have the discussion with her. We will see what she says! Wish me luck!!!

[fitgirl]

Good luck! Let us know how it goes..... and remember, regardless of the outcome, you will be just fine! :)

[WCSDancer2010]

I agree with the previous posts. Use your experience as a starting point. Full disclosure and honesty is number one on most women's list of what they look for in a man. Take it from me, honesty and vulnerability and the willingness to have uncomfortable conversations (the ones that are awkward but matter most) is a huge connecting factor. Men willing to put themselves out there are very desirable ;). Not weird at all...... your efforts would make you even more attractive in my books. Openness and honesty are hot!

 

As a woman I agree 100% with everything said here ... say you had a scare, and that made you aware that many people are ill informed about STD's and what is and isn't tested for ... especially Herpes ... and as you mentioned, how many STD's are carried asymptomatically. Let her know you care about HER sexual health, as well as your own. That you learned in your research that knowledge is power, so that a positive test, while being scary and not something anyone wants, puts a person in a place of being able to PROTECT their partners.

 

One thing no one has asked you... what will you do if she happens to have a positive STD result for something like HPV or Herpes????

[riverstyx]

@WCSDancer2010

 

That's a fair question. The answer is, it depends on the condition. If it's something like HPV or HSV, I can accept that as long as we take reasonable precautions. But if it is something life-threatening and life-shortening, like HIV, that I will choose not to get involved with.

 

Other than that, I will treat her with the respect and dignity that I know are important to me and everyone else.

[WCSDancer2010]

Well then, we have done our work well here ... :)

 

I understand about your concern about HIV... and it would be highly unlikely that she would have it... but DO consider this: *if* she has it and she's someone you could otherwise see yourself spending your life with, get educated before you jump ship. Magic Johnson got it not long before he got married.. had a kid before he was diagnosed I believe. 20 something years later his wife is still HIV-, he as 2 beautiful daugters and he's a picture of health.... Today the outcome for someone who is diagnosed early and who gets proper treatment is VERY positive ... so just as you *might* have jumped ship before you had your scare with Herpes with someone who is HSV+, you may find that your risk with someone with HIV isn't really as high as you would believe ... ;)

[riverstyx]

Gosh, I'm getting nervous just thinking about tomorrow night's conversation. Like I said, I feel silly given that so many people on here have disclosed and discussed more important things and I'm just having a conversation, but I guess it's the inability to predict her response that makes me a little nervous? Like I know what I'm going to propose makes sense from a health standpoint, I'm just sure she's never had anyone ever actually talk to her about STDs like this before. For whatever reason, it's just not something people talk about, for better or worse. But the best thing I can do is be prepared and be ready to tell her that it's for *both* our sakes and so if either of us "has something" we can know how to navigate around it.

[fitgirl]

Yeah, it's nerve racking! It's the fear of the unknown, not knowing how she will react, not knowing how she will feel. You can't control that but you can be the man you have demonstrated to be here on this forum. I give MUCH credit to you for everything you are asking and doing, especially for a guy who doesn't even have herpes! You are doing the responsible thing for yourself and for her. Be proud of the fact that you are taking the initiative to keep you BOTH safe. If more people were like you, we would have less std's. If I were in her shoes I would appreciate your integrity and maturity and would absolutely want to get tested and get to know you better. THAT is the kind of man that would win my heart :). If she reacts negatively, don't blame yourself and don't blame her just accept that people have their own fears and insecurities so their reaction often has nothing to do with you or what you are communicating. All I know is that she would be crazy not to hear you out and be grateful for the stand up guy in front of her. Be strong and be confident, you are walking a path that is admirable.

[WCSDancer2010]

From a woman's POV ... if a guy did this with me I would definitely appreciate him a LOT more ... because in *my* experience, even with guys who really, really like me, they would rather just jump in bed and not have the "awkward" conversation and hope everything works out ok ... so a man who is able to go to that vulnerable place and have that uncomfortable conversation is showing me that, in the future, if something came up that really needed discussing, we could get through that and he wouldn't put his head in the sand and hope it went away.... and for a woman looking for a REAL man, this is HUGE :)

 

Brene Brown on Vulnerability

 

[riverstyx]

OK, so I can't talk for long, but I spoke with the girl tonight. Long story short, she was completely OK with everything I said!!! She listened very patiently as I told her the long story behind my herpes scare, and she said that she was so sorry that I had to go through that and she wished she could've known me then to help me through it. She said it was very responsible of me to want to get tested and that yes she would do that for me if that makes me feel better and safer in our relationship. She said she had been tested in the past for STDs during a routine gyno exam, but although that had been a while back everything had come back negative. I told her that herpes is not usually tested because the CDC doesn't recommend testing, and she was surprised to hear that. She said she was impressed with my knowledge of the topic and was glad were were starting off "on the right foot." OK, that's all I can say for now but I will update over the next couple of days. What a relief!!

[fitgirl]

@riverstyx

That's fucking awesome :) see..... us females know a thing or two about the female mind ;). Any other response should have made you run for the hills! Congrats on your "non-disclosure disclosure". Impressive. The world needs more men (and women) like you. Keep us posted.

[WCSDancer2010]

Doing the Happy Dance over here for you! Keep us posted!

[riverstyx]

@WCSDancer2010

 

Yes I feel really excited!!!

 

It has been really so long since I've been in a healthy relationship and this is really an eye-opener for me. It is showing me what healthy, respectful interaction is like, and I think that is really huge. She said she will call Monday for an appointment with her ob/gyn and I will call my GP to get the tests done and then we'll take it from there.

[WCSDancer2010]

Sadly too many people today have no idea of how to create a "healthy" relationship ... and it's sad that something like an STD is needed to shake people up. I mean, really, we are adults here... and the sexual health conversation is an ADULT conversation... so why does it have to be so difficult????

[riverstyx]

OK, so by this time me and my friend have gotten our STD tests done (she went yesterday). I got every test except herpes, because I told her my circumstances and the confusing initial test results and how I finally got the negative test and that I'm not going through that again. But I got tested for everything else. So she understood that. And we're going to share our paperwork and talk about the results and make sure we both understand what's going on if anything should arise. The truth is, I'm really nervous about the whole thing. And I did ask her about cold sores and she said she used to get them more as a teenager but hardly ever now so I know she will be positive for HSV-1. But honestly I hope everything else comes back OK because the past summer when I was dealing with my herpes scare was emotionally very traumatic and honestly I am not looking to revisit that all over again....

[fitgirl]

@riverstyx

To clarify..... you are worried about HER results? what if she has other std's? What if she has HSV2?