Victory

[domh21]

Hello everyone!!

 

I finally did it. I finally went back to a favorite class at the gym. Ever since I received my lovely gift of H my already shaky confidence went way down. I've done so much research I became the type of person who basically walked on egg shells. I guess it's normal being that this is the beginning it's only been four months.

I cried tears of joy last night being able to embrace myself. Instead of the tears of black, cold, suicidal tears I've been shedding.

Prior to this I was social, I was loving life, I was really giving my all to loving myself but I allowed loneliness and horniness lol to get the better of me. At times I wish I had not opened Pandora's box to the past but more so I don't regret anything.

Well I had grown a love of fitness and especially of Zumba and I became certified back in the summer. I taught high school students for free for the program I already worked for. I have yet to teach full classses. I cant even put myself out there. And this was before H. I suppose I didn't know how to go about starting. I think more than anything it was my fear of failure. It still is. I'm like what if I am the worst Zumba instructor ever? There's always something.

Needless to say after I received H I dropped deep into depression. I have always struggled with depression. I can recall my days of needing wanting to climb into a bottle of Jameson and never open my eyes again. I wanted to do something because I didn't want to deal with the pain I felt.

It's taken me these 3-4 months to deal with the hurt and rejection of a relationship I really wanted to work out. This was a relationship with the person I believe is also my giver. I sometimes just wish I had never ever looked back at him when he broke up with me and obliterated my heart, perhaps this wouldn've have happened at all. Who knows?

I also in this added gift became obsessed with eating things that the other sites say may trigger an OB or exercising or anything. I became frozen. I worked, came home, made excuses. Somehow I recently I just said I need to cut this out.

I think in part because Adrial and all of you have shown that life can still go on. So last night I finally did it. I went back to my class and I worked out with faith. The past 3 weeks I have been just working out with faith. I eat with faith even drink with faith. No sign of OB. I have noticed pimples or in grown hairs but nothing really to me that seems like an OB.

A friend told me to do everything with faith. That is all we really can do right? Deal with the OB's and essentially life as it comes. That's all we can do.

Last night I felt so good. I felt like me again. I'm going again tonight. I'm cooking healthy again and really truly taking pleasure in that. I can't stop smiling.

Two weeks ago I had a huge test and it still nags. I was driving home from work and as I turned left the car yielding to me on the other side was my ex, the person I believe to be my giver. I was so happy before I saw him I was singing loudly along to some music and feeling amazing. I saw him and as he pulled up to the right hand side of me I couldn't help but feel scared. He terrifies me. I guess because he knows so much about me, my weaknesses and now this. We haven't seen each other or spoke since November. I felt anger in the pit of my stomach for all the hurt I allowed him to bring to me. For the pain I may have caused him. Just so much.

I had to put him in my rear view quick, I sped up and cut him off. I guess that's the best I could do because in life I cannot make him disappear. I felt dirty, I felt used. I felt like nothing. I didn't look at him I looked forward afraid to see that face. The face he gave which was of disgust as if I was so disgusting. He used to look at me so much differently, and I at him.

It's crazy how you can still love someone who is so bad for you. I swallowed hard and cried the whole way home. I didnt call or text and I do everything I can everyday to finally forget the almost 9 years we were in and out of each other's lives.

How do you go from being 19 to 29 with someone and then instantly acting like you don't know them. It kills. And I ask you all to pray for me or keep me in thoughts send me good vibes whatever to help me get over this freckled past and this biggest challenge which is him. Most of all I just want to forgive and I truly want the best for him. I want him to be a better person. I want peace.

These past 4 months have killed and built me up in a way I never would've thought. This has forced me to face my fears, my insecurities, everything I've been avoiding and trying to numb. All the things he said about me are not true. All the lies I have fed myself are not true. Even now, the misconception of H is totally not true. These falsehoods are just that falsehoods.

I have started therapy and that in itself has been a challenge. Finally facing how much I have wanted to be loved and need to do for myself has been so healing.

Last night as I danced and lifted weights, I smiled. I reveled in the feeling and the moment. I felt victorious I conquered my fear. I'm facing them one at a time. I think the next big one is disclosing to a romantic interest, haven't yet had that pleasure but I'm sure I will.

The most amazing thing is that I'm not making excuses anymore about grad school about pursuing fitness about letting go about truly discovering me and loving me and making myself a better person, a person that can have compassion and truly move on in peace.

There are two things I truly want to leave you all with today and that is thank you Adrial for starting this and thank you all of you for being here and being you; you don't know how much you have helped all of us. And secondly don't give up/have faith!!! Don't let anything especially H make you give up faith. This is just one part of who we are it is not our entity, it does not define us, it can if we let it, strengthen us. You too can be victorious.Much love!!

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Wow! I am so happy and so proud of you. Thank you so much for sharing with us! You are amazing! You have an amazing strength and I am really in awe of all you have conquered. You are going to come out of this experience stronger and even more amazing than you were before. Hugs and much love my dear!!

 

Brenda xo

[Atlantic]

Your story is heartfelt and inspiring. Thanks for sharing. It has been kind of a down day for me. It is helpful and touching for me to connect with others here.

[domh21]

Brenda Thank you so much. Your posts have helped me get to this place your words mean so much!!

 

Atlantic I'm sorry you were having a down day. Glad I could uplift it a little. Sending u a hug and know it will get better!! To a better day tomorrow

[WhoopsiDaysi]

I am so glad domh. :) I love that we can all be here for each other in this loving and accepting place. Thank you for contributing to this wonderful space we have and for showing us what real courage looks like!

 

Lots of love,

 

Brenda xox

[lelani]

I wish I could give you the biggest hug domh!!!! It really is victory...and what a journey to get there huh? You will only grow more and feel more at peace now. I know what it is like to love someone who isn't good for you...and I did it for a long time. Letting go is so freeing and wishing them well and forgiving is the most powerful thing we can do to love ourselves and heal - Go you!!!!!

 

Keep lifting those weights and living well...and keep smiling.

 

Love and (even more) healing

Janice xx