Just disclosed....I'm worried and he's thinking about it

[Blueskygirl]

I've been dating someone for about 3 weeks. We met last June so we've known each other for a while and have texted talked for sometime. He was crazy about me but I kept pushing him away due to the long distance and the H issue. I felt that we had talked enough that I could trust him. He talked about having a relationship and going on trips together, etc. He brought up sex several times and I finally told him and I even gave him one of the handouts I printed off from this site. I told him I take Acyclovir for suppressive therapy. We wound up having sex with a condom. I felt pressured by him to have sex btw. The next morning, I told him we should've waited to have sex. He told me he wanted to think about it as far as continuing dating. I gave him a few links to research. He had been tested for STDs before but I don't think it included HSV.

 

I have gone out with a lot of guys who are unknown status (have never been tested for HSV1or 2 or think they have no STDs) but the H issue is a dark cloud. This is the third guy I've disclosed to - the first, my ex-bf was not okay with the H issue and the second guy (confirmed H negative) was accepting and we had sex once but the relationship ended (not certain if it was because of H but he was still looking for other women on dating sites which made me feel terrible). I feel like now these 3 men know me as the "herpes girl" and the current guy will try to find someone who is "clean".

 

All the depression that I had when I was first diagnosed 3 years ago is coming back. Another issue is that I'm worried about giving it to someone who is confirmed H negative or unknown status. I'm trying to give him some space to think about it. Is it true that the virus is easily killed by soap and water, like if he were to shower after having sex with me, or wash his hands after touching me it would further reduce transmission risk? Is there anything more I can say to alleviate his fear?

 

Thanks for your help :)

[WCSDancer2010]

I've been dating someone for about 3 weeks. We met last June so we've known each other for a while and have texted talked for sometime. He was crazy about me but I kept pushing him away due to the long distance and the H issue. I felt that we had talked enough that I could trust him. He talked about having a relationship and going on trips together, etc. He brought up sex several times and I finally told him and I even gave him one of the handouts I printed off from this site. I told him I take Acyclovir for suppressive therapy. We wound up having sex with a condom. I felt pressured by him to have sex btw. The next morning, I told him we should've waited to have sex. He told me he wanted to think about it as far as continuing dating. I gave him a few links to research. He had been tested for STDs before but I don't think it included HSV.

 

Well, I see a few things here. First off ... 3 weeks isn't much time in the world of "creating relationships" ... and one of the things I see here time and again is that those who "use" Herpes to help them to slow down the early relationship process find that they end up making better choices in partners. Now there's nothing wrong with disclosing at 3 weeks... BUT ... you can use it as a way to keep things slow (saying, I want you to get educated ... and make sure that you are ready to be in a monogamous relationship with me) so that you can see how the other person actually deals with the whole issue.

 

The fact that you say "I felt pressured by him to have sex btw" makes me wonder if he is into YOU ... or it he wanted to GET INTO you... you see? AND, I am concerned that you had sex with him when it sounds like you were not ready. Women often allow themselves to give their "sacred space" to men who have not EARED the right to that place ... and then they are hurt when the guy decides to "think about it" (with OR without Herpes) and then the guy disappears. This happens ALL.THE.TIME. even without Herpes ... because as I mentioned, they are more interested in getting INTO you than getting into YOU.

 

Finally, the fact that you said the next day that you should have waited sorta makes it easier for the other person to start to freak out .. to wonder if they "got something" from you ... and given that they really are not usually well educated, it's not surprising how easy that button may be pushed. People who get H from someone they love generally adjust a lot faster to the diagnosis than those who get it with one night stands and "new" relationships... so odds are even if he DOES want to get into YOU ... he's needing to consider how serious he is about you and whether he's being honest with himself about where he sees you in his life and the risks he's willing to take.

 

I have gone out with a lot of guys who are unknown status (have never been tested for HSV1or 2 or think they have no STDs) but the H issue is a dark cloud.

 

 

So - WHY would you be ok going out with someone who doesn't KNOW their full status??? You are putting YOURSELF at risk of getting another STD my friend ... I hope you will start to respect YOURSELF enough to not only not allow ANY man to pressure you into sex, but also to not have sex until you SEE their STD results...

 

All the depression that I had when I was first diagnosed 3 years ago is coming back. Another issue is that I'm worried about giving it to someone who is confirmed H negative or unknown status. I'm trying to give him some space to think about it. Is it true that the virus is easily killed by soap and water, like if he were to shower after having sex with me, or wash his hands after touching me it would further reduce transmission risk? Is there anything more I can say to alleviate his fear?

 

This is another reason to get them to get tested... because if they DO have it already (and the odds are they could) then you have nothing to worry about... and if not, you know you need to be cautious. So - once you establish that, you have to realize they are an ADULT and can make ADULT CHOICES and deal with the consequences of those choices .... you have to TRUST that they love you enough to be ok with the risk...like I said, people are FAR more likely to have a bad "emotional" reaction to diagnosis when they get it from a more casual/unstable/non-monogamous relationship ... especially if they were not given the choice.

 

We do dozens of things every day that could physically or emotionally hurt someone ... every time you get in a car, you could kill or maim those who ride with you or even someone you don't know. Why is this any different? Think about it :)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/driving-yourself-crazy/

 

 

[Blueskygirl]

My original post contained some things that were not clear. When I said that I have dated lots of guys who were unknown status, I did not have sex with them, I made out with them or did things with clothes on. They would want to have sex but I just told them I didn't want to. I don't disclose to every guy that date unless I feel that I could trust them. The only person I've had sex with whose HSV status is unknown is the current guy. I've known him for 9 months and we've talked/texted during that time period but started going out on dates 3 weeks ago. I'm now of the mindset not to wait too long before having the talk. With guy #2 I waited 3 months from that time we started dating - at that point I was emotionally attached to him before we even had sex and the entire time I felt like I was full of anxiety before I told him.

 

He texted me last night that he thinks he is having an outbreak. We had sex Thursday night, which was 3 days ago. He said that he shaved so he's not sure if it's razor burn or herpes. I told him to go to a doctor today to ask for a PCR swab and also to get a blood test for IgG, which would check if he got HSV1 or 2 from a previous partner (since antibodies wouldn't show up this soon if he did get HSV2 from me). Is there anything else that he should be asking the doctor?

 

I'm really stressed about this because if he did contract H2 from me he will be angry/upset even though I did disclose or if he finds out it's just razor burn, it'll be the end of our dating.

[WCSDancer2010]

 

He texted me last night that he thinks he is having an outbreak. We had sex Thursday night, which was 3 days ago. He said that he shaved so he's not sure if it's razor burn or herpes. I told him to go to a doctor today to ask for a PCR swab and also to get a blood test for IgG, which would check if he got HSV1 or 2 from a previous partner (since antibodies wouldn't show up this soon if he did get HSV2 from me). Is there anything else that he should be asking the doctor?

 

I'm really stressed about this because if he did contract H2 from me he will be angry/upset even though I did disclose or if he finds out it's just razor burn, it'll be the end of our dating.

 

Yes - though they may try to not to the blood test - so he may have to put his foot down and ask for both.

 

So here's the deal. YOU are projecting how he will react. And right now you are projecting that he will run no matter what. Well, if that's the case, he's not THAT into you my friend. If he REALLY has feelings for you, it won't be *that* easy for him to walk....

 

If he got it and he get's angry, he's not taking responsibility for HIS part of the deal (saying he's ok with the risk). If he REALLY likes you, then while he may freak a bit, and may go through the normal upset, it won't stop him from being with you. And if he doesn't have it, well, hopefully he will see that perhaps he's being a little jumpy about the risks ... in which case I suggest you slow down having sex for awhile, and build the RELATIONSHIP so that the risk becomes less significant :)

 

In the meantime .. BREATHE friend. Don't over think things ... once he has his test, you will find out who this man REALLY is ... and while this isn't how you really would WANT to learn that, it sure is one hell of a litmus test :p

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

[Blueskygirl]

So Mr. Wonderful ended things by blowing me off. I am so upset because he went from being this really nice caring guy who I clicked with intellectually and shared the same sense of humor to doing a 180. If he had talked to me and just said "I don't want to take the risk", "It's not going to work out" or even "I met someone else" I would have been accepting.

 

I asked him to go make sure his recent STD tests included HSV1 and 2 because I told him standard testing doesn't include herpes unless you ask for the specific tests. I also recommended that he get a blood test to see if he is truly H-. He said he would get checked. He has not replied to my texts or even my voicemail asking if everything is okay for a week now when he normally replies in the same day.

 

I'm having a lot of anxiety about how he treated me. I have no closure and I'm thinking about this 24/7.

 

WCSDancer, I appreciate all your words of wisdom. I wish I could be as optimistic as you :)

[whitedaisies]

I am sorry @Blueskygirl

 

I know it hurts but it really is for the best. Sometimes the things we think we want may not be the things we need. If that makes any sense. Lol.

 

It hurts when you are being authentic and vulnerable and someone can't be that way back. The thing is, it means that person whether he accepted your status or not, was not enough of a human being to do the same.

 

You have to find closure yourself unfortunately which makes the road a little longer bUT know that being who you are is wonderful.

 

Let him go so you can soar and find someone else worthy.

[WCSDancer2010]

I hear you friend and I feel your pain... but be honest - ANY time someone walks away it tends to sting pretty bad for awhile, even when they are decent about it and even without Herpes. So try to allow yourself to ride it out, OK?

 

And honey, you can't see it now but you dodged a bullet - because no MAN acts like that .... a MAN *may* run for a few days but they will come back and MAN-UP and at least admit their fear/unwillingness to take a risk. A BOY runs and won't do what is right in the situation because they have NO BALLS. Be glad that you saw him for who he is before you were much more invested....

 

(((HUGS)))

[Blueskygirl]

Update on my situation: I sent a letter to Mr. Disappearing Act on April 18. I basically told him how hurt I was by how he ended things. I told him that I really liked him and we clicked intellectually and personality wise. I even met some of his family and got along with them. I reiterated that I was honest and upfront with him and even showed him my copies of STD test results and not to assume someone is free of STIs unless there has been a thorough discussion. I mentioned that I wished that we had talked more and he never was tested for HSV1 or 2 before he made this decision to end all contact with me. The ironic thing is he works in the medical field so I would've thought someone like that would want to be fully informed.

 

I didn't curse him out although I wanted to. I felt that I had to do that to get closure. I don't expect him to reply. I'm still sad about it but moving on and hopefully will find someone who can act more maturely.

[WCSDancer2010]

Good for you. Given the amount of time since the letter I think you can see that he lacks anything close to the ability to at least apologize for his poor behavior... and you have been able to see that now .... so head up, chest high, kick some dirt over that shit and walk away from it!!!!

 

(((HUGS)))

[Blueskygirl]

He texted me back tonight. I was speechless. He said that he got tested for HSV1 and 2 a few days ago and it was negative. Then he said "we can still be friends" but he's dating someone. At that point I was really upset. I asked him why he took over a month to reply to me. He could've said I need more time to think about it instead of ignoring me. His only reply was "I know" and he told me to relax. I'm thinking "is he serious, has he lost his mind?" There was no apology. I told him I was really angry and I don't know if I can be friends with you right now. Then he stopped texting - I told him I wanted to talk because I hate texting this kind of stuff. What a terrible way to end my Mother's Day weekend :(

[Danaaaaaasaur]

@blueskygirl hi there! Im sorry you're going through this right now :( Please don't feel bad though, this speaks volumes about HIS character and behaviour. You deserve much better!! So chin up and keep moving forward :) xx

[WCSDancer2010]

So @Blueskygirl

 

Let him go. He's shown you his hand ... he's incapable of empathy and decency ... why the hell would you want to be with him. Go back and read the Wingman links ... read them till you get to your core that this is about HIM and he's acting like a self-serving jerk ... and why on earth would you waste any time talking to him at this point?

 

Time to kick some dirt over that sh*t and walk away from him ... you deserve a whole lot better... promise!

 

 

(((HUGS)))