Does Harry herpe really have to dictate my life?

[StillMeButWiser]

Ever since my diagnosis I feel like I can't be me. Diagnoised in January and still having irritation below I don't feel normal. Normal me, who I am suppose to be. Ok I'm just gonna be blunt here. Iam a nonjudgemental, kind, no harm, free spirit girl who likes to be desired. I like sex, who doesn't? Tonight I was asked by a couple who are fairly good acquaintances to hang/party with them. If u know what I mean? Prior Harry I would've been all over it. Afraid of disclosing and my secret being revealed, still being irritated I had to turn it down. Had to make up some lame excuse. Teary eyed as I walked into my empty house alone, already feeling hurt and betrayed by the guy who slammed the door one me after 4 years because of Harry, and now not being able to enjoy things I would like to because of possible rejection and risk being talked about/labeled. How do I come to terms with something I see no good in? Sometimes I wonder why do I need to disclose? Let's face it at 46 I have been around and never had a guy disclose, he had any kind of problems. But yet that's ok for them. My ex husband cheated on me numerous times but yet somehow I'm the one with a possible label. Meanwhile I'm stuck with Harry, who I didn't invite, nor do I want to entertain. Pushed on me by a selfish "dirty"men and now feeling like I'm stuck with their mess. I'm doing my best to accept this unwanted glued to the hip wingman but please help me understand how does he not dictate my life?

[WCSDancer2010]

Simply you don't LET IT dictate your life.

 

For one thing, any couple who is looking to include a 3rd person to casually "party" is just plain stupid if they don't get that they are ALWAYS taking a risk when they do that because 80% of people with Herpes don't even know they have it..... (and to be honest, the numbers who are unwitting carriers are high for many with HPV and other STD's as well). So if you disclosed and they "judged" you, that's sorta the pot calling the kettle black because they are likely not asking for STD test results from everyone that they invite to play with them....

 

Look - non-monogamous sex will ALWAYS come with a risk to ALL parties. Anyone who engages in it is crazy if they don't understand that. Even those who have regular tests *might* have just been exposed and not be showing symptoms yet and not show up on a test result. That's just how it is.

 

But I'll bet you go out in your car every day and don't worry about dying/getting injured. You may participate in a sport where you could get injured. ANY life well lived will entail some risk from time to time. The thing is, we participate and the smart ones learn the risks and do whatever risk management that they can and then they go out and do their thing. Smart sexual adults will do the same thing AND sometimes we just plain get unlucky and we get an STD (or pregnant!)..... and anyone who is partaing in casual sex who acts "Holier than thou" when you disclose is just plain not being honest about the risks that they are taking and the odds that THEY are actually an unwitting carrier.

 

And finally - I'm an atheist but I believe in the Commandment "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". So just because you were with a man who had no integrity doesn't mean you need to stoop to that level. Believe me, people who are worthy of being privy to your body won't judge you. And there are plenty of them out there. Check out the links below ... I think they may help you to see things a little differently :)

 

And if you can, I seriously suggest that you see if you can get to the H Opp weekend ... it is the BEST weekend ever! I was at the last one and the transformation that I saw in the people there was amazing.... mention PAM10 in the payment section and you can get a 10% discount too :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/70/herpes-disclosure-and-casual-sex

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6070/it-gets-better great tips for newbies

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

Warning: this one is VERY blunt

http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2014/02/dating-with-a-std.html

[DrNoLove]

I know how you feel. You're new with this. I don't have any great words of wisdom other than look at the facts and explore WHY you feel the way you do.

 

I wasn't a big player over the course of my life. I've had a few adventures, but nothing compared to most. And honestly, I feel the same way you do. When I'm propositioned now (even though I know I wouldn't take them up on it anyway), it hurts me because I feel like I "have" to reject them (otherwise have the disclosure talk or lie to them and myself which is completely uncool). I'd rather reject someone (sorry if this sounds harsh) because I think they're not worth it - rather than because of a condition that I have. So, in that sense, I TOTALLY feel your pain.

 

It's going to come down to healing (for both of us) - whether it's emotional or physical - or both.

 

On the social/stigmatized societal aspect of all of this, we've been taught that people with herpes are dirty and diseased. We're taught that only slutty girls (or guys) get these things, and nice girls and guys don't. (We know that this is NOT true)

 

From a medical standpoint, it's more common than most disorders. It's an easily transmitted condition (like the common cold, mononucleosis, or influenza - although transmitted differently). And, just like chicken pox (also a herpes virus), CMV (cytomegalovirus), and Epstein-Barr virus (mono) - it stays with you forever. (All of this is true)

 

However you need to think and feel about this, however you need to spin it - it's time to spin it that way. If you decide not to have sex, or not to "play" (and I'm SURE that there are couples and groups that are H+ that would love to have another member), then that's what you need to do. As long as you do it with your eyes and your heart open, that's all that matters.

[whitedaisies]

Hummmm I am going to tell you it just takes time.

 

I got h after my 2nd sexual partner in my 40s and from oral. Really horrific. I was just starting to explore my sexuality and it was a real slap in the face when this happened to me. Made me feel like I woul never have sex again or enjoy it or be as free with it.

 

Turns out after h, I had more fun with sex than ever!!!! Opportunities came up that didnt include intercourse but still were a lot of fun. Even scratched some items off the sex bucket list. So eventually it just sunk in that if I was in the flow of life and open to opportunities whatever they were, I could still enjoy things. I never looked for sex I just became authentic in what I wanted to do like travel or hobbies etc and then I would meet interesting people.

 

And now over a year later, I found a partner I felt safe disclosing to and it's been a great experience for me in many ways. We are not in love, it's not serious bUT we are respectful of each other and kind and compassionate.

 

So my advice is dont focus on what you can't do because you really can. I have had a friend offer a 3 some opportunity which I turned down....as trying to get the one partner done first lol. Opportunities will come up if you are open and don't close yourself off to life.

 

Good luck.

[WCSDancer2010]

I'd rather reject someone (sorry if this sounds harsh) because I think they're not worth it - rather than because of a condition that I have. So, in that sense, I TOTALLY feel your pain.

 

Well, why would you reject them if they are "worth it"?

 

Sure, you *might* get rejected. But you *might* get killed next time you go out in your car. You *might* get hurt doing whatever sport/hobby you like. You *might* lose everything if you decide to follow a passion in your life like taking a new job offer. There are many places where we take a risk of some kind of pain/suffering/loss due to our making a CHOICE (Wittingly or unwittingly) to take that risk.

 

People get all bound up in the word "Rejection" - they see it with negative connotations. They interpret Rejection as a "personal" thing - that it means they are not "good enough" for another. The reality is that this unconscious reaction to what we perceive "Rejection" to mean is exactly that - an UNCONSCIOUS REACTION ....it's a deep seated survival tool that goes back to a time when it was really, really important to not get shunned/thrown out by the group (your taown, family,etc) simply for survival purposes.... I'll include some links below ....

 

Understanding this certainly helped me to learn to understand that nowadays, "Rejection" serves 2 purposes for me.

 

1) It shows me who that person is ... especially in the WAY they "reject" me. If they are a jerk about it (either saying ugly things or "ghosting" me and not being honest about their CHOICE to not want to be with me) well, I don't need them anyway and I am thankful I got to see that side of them early on. And if they are nice about it, I can see them as a potential friend who is the kind of person I'd want around me because they are compassionate and empathetic. I accept their RIGHT to choose to not be with me for ANY reason..... because I know that it's NOT ABOUT ME! It's about THEIR ability/choice to take take me "Awes, Flaws, and all". And that's ok with me :)

 

2) Salesmen have a motto... "Every No is one step closer to a Yes!" - meaning, don't take No personally ... be thankful the person is honest with you because now you have that space for someone else to come in and fill it. When you REALLY GET THIS your whole life can shift to a pretty amazingly beautiful place :)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection Rejection as your teacher…..

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

 

[StillMeButWiser]

Some good points mentioned. Thank you.

 

I definitely know what is right and what is wrong. These questions, scenarios and what-ifs run through my head guess a way of me processing and moving forward. I'm gonna allow as much time as needed, also seeking professional help, so when my time comes I will ready 100%.

 

My fear is meeting a gentleman at a nearby bar that I occasionally go to. As we start to get to know each other I disclose and he rejects. He then tells his friends or others who see me out. Bam! I've been labeled. After all it a a small world.

 

In my opinion, from what I have seen & heard from my lifestyle friends, people who are swingers are more proactive in protection (condems, dental dams, changing those condems frequently, condems on toys and testing) than the people I know who are not. Not saying I totally agree with this lifestyle. To each their own. There is a guy I know who never wears a condem. Stupid, he just doesn't care. I won't touch him with a 10ft pole. Lol. If you think about it, he is very selfish Putting every girl at risk.