When do I disclose

[Tayler]

Hello all! It's been a long time since I've been on this site, but I hope you are all doing well!

The guy I was dating who gave me HSV-1 and I broke up at the beginning of January for a multitude of reasons. I recently met someone new and we've been getting along great.

I need advice on when is a good time to disclose/have "the talk." I feel guilty and as if I'm lying to him by not sharing with him that I have this, but I don't want to tell him too soon. I also feel like I should tell him sooner than later so if he turns me down at least it will be before any real feelings begin to develop.

Please, I'll take any and all advice right now. Thank you!

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey @Tayler, that's always a tricky question to answer because each person and situation is so different. Some people like to tell the other person within the first 3 dates to avoid getting hurt or leading the other person on, and others, (like myself) prefer to take their time and really get to know someone before divulging that personal information. I have found in dating a few guys that a lot of times, the relationship ended on its own for other reasons completely, prior to me having to tell them. I would always let them know up front that i wanted to take things slow on the physical side. Taking my time gave me insights into who these guys really were and what they were about... I also felt that that extra time gave them insights into who i was and what i had to offer... in case i did get to that place of telling them. I felt they should see the whole picture (well most of it) before making a decision on wanting to pursue things. Ultimately, there is no 'right' time... take your time, see how things go, and when it feels right, you will know. And don't feel guilty or feel like you're lying about anything... you are not just herpes... you are person with interests, opinions, likes and dislikes. Enjoy getting to know him and let him get to know you, and then see if he someone that you want to share that very vulnerable part of your heart with. If the anxiety is too much, then maybe telling him sooner than later will be better for you. Just trust your gut and do what feels right for you.

[WCSDancer2010]

Can't add much to what @PositivelyBeautiful said - I personally have all my info in all my dating profiles and I'm 100% out ... yet many on here may go several months of dating before they disclose and they have great relationships in the works now ... so as PB said, trust your gut and don't do/say ANYTHING before YOU are ready :)

[Blueskygirl]

I've disclosed 3 times - once to an ex-boyfriend who tried to reunite with me and it didn't go well. He ran. The next guy I waited until we had dated for almost 3 months. It was nerve wracking hiding it from him. We took things very slow physically when we first dated. I calmly presented the facts and even printed out the handouts from this site to show him. We discussed STDs and he said that he had been tested for HSV1 and 2 and was confirmed negative. We did have sex but the relationship fell apart...long story.

 

The most recent guy I met last summer and have talked to on and off but we didn't actually date until early March due to the distance. He kept bringing up sex and I disclosed to him after 3 weeks and presented the facts again. He said that he had been tested for STDs but he wasn't sure if herpes was included in the tests. We did have sex although he pretty much disappeared on me after. The texts became less frequent and he didn't want to talk to me anymore.

 

It's hard to say how long you should wait before telling - depends on the person, your communication level with them, if you feel this is someone you would have a future with, etc. I would recommend when you're disclosing is to ask the guy what STDs they have been tested for. HSV1 and 2 are not included in standard STD testing and most assume they are free of STIs when they haven't even been tested for herpes. It's often put on us to disclose but the other person might have STDs also. Good luck!

 

 

[lasko]

ive disclosed mulitiple times an feel so much better once i do. only one guy wasnt "thrilled" ive managed to have lots of luck. dont be afraid. there will never be a right time. if you like the person tell them.

[Cars85]

Iʻve disclosed twice (unfortunately ~rejected~ both times); the first time was after we hung out at least 10 times (although that was in a 3 week period) -- the second person I disclosed to after about a week (and it was long-distance too, which added another dynamic to the situation as well).

 

I think when to disclose really depends on the person, but after both of those experiences (which were EXTREMELY emotionally draining, to say the least) Iʻve found for me, personally, itʻs easier to disclose before I get too emotionally invested versus waiting until thereʻs something a bit more established.

 

To each their own, thereʻs no right or wrong way to do it -- find comfort in knowing that you are a strong, courageous person for doing it! :) Best of luck! xo

[WCSDancer2010]

I just had a disclosure of a different sort tonight ... because my info about my herpes status is on my profile, I don't have to worry about that. But I'm a totally out Herpes Advocate ... so anyone who is with me will be "out" with me to some degree. We've been dating about 2 months now and he really wants to take this to the next level.

 

So I explained that I need to get on my meds and that I want us to both get tested (he says his was clear 5 months ago ... so I explained that it can take 4 months to show up and besides, I tell people all the time to get tested so I should practice what I preach...LOL)... and then I explained there was one other thing ... and told him that I am 100% out ... and that likely his friends and family would eventually find out. He asked how and I explained that I am always posting things on FB and that I am likely going to take this to a whole 'nuther level in several ways that will make me even more visible.

 

I *think* he took it ok but I am also smart enough to know that once he chews on it, he may choose to not continue with me because he knows a LOT of people and may be concerned how it will look for him. And you know, if that's what is right for him I'm ok with it. I know it will take an extra special man to be with me. Not everyone would want the life that will go with being with me. It certainly seemed to take the steam out of him (he was getting pretty frisky) so I will give him the space he needs to reflect on just how much he really is into me .... and whether it's enough to take on the life I lead.

 

[fitgirl]

@WCSDancer2010 your situation definitely adds a whole other layer to dating for you and your potential partners. It's one thing to accept the person and the risk, its quite another for everyone to know about it. I have to say, I'm not sure how I would react to that reality myself..... (if the tables were turned). I went through a similar situation with my H- boyfriend when deciding to do the sykpe interview for Adrial's program.... not only did my man have to be ok with me having herpes, he had to be ok that other people would know about it. He was totally ok with it and supportive of me but I didn't assume he would be. I had to give him a vote to be fair to HIM in that situation (I felt it was the right thing to do). But if I find myself "out" and in a new potential relationship, that choice will be taken away from the next man and I will be sensitive to that fact. I don't look at it as a bad thing if your potential partner shys away from the realities of dating you, it's just his right to choose. It would be like meeting someone famous and deciding you were not comfortable in the limelight. Some people are more private by nature and that is totally cool, they have every right to their privacy. Regardless of what he decides, I would understand (as I know you will too). The decision of course won't be a reflection on you, rather, a reflection of his comfort zone- not to be confused with rejection- they are different :)

[WCSDancer2010]

I totally am ok with whatever he chooses ... but based on our interactions last night, it doesn't seem to be bothering him at the moment ;)

[fitgirl]

Awesome :)