Who told your secret?

[Brynn2012]

I'm looking for stories that involve...exposure. Friends or family that told your secret, and how you handled it. I've lost a lot of friends, and I suppose quite a few know my story. I was so desperate to talk and feel understood that I really let common sense fly out the window. Sometimes I wonder about people spreading information, how I would handle it. I don't panic when I think about it, it is a hypothetical situation...but a situation. I assume sisters of friends know, mothers know...a cautionary tale of sorts. For some reason it doesn't bother me and never has bothered me. I can't stop people from being malicious and people will supply themselves with their own answers. People who are completely "out", how do you feel?

[2Legit2Quit]

My neighbors daughter told her bf... It pissed me off, but what could I do? Changes nothing w me seething or worrying about it. I've even thought to myself in regards to it getting out, how would ibreact if someone mentioned it to me. I'm not going to make a bug seal about it, because then it feeds into the stigma... So what? If people don't wanna be your friend over it, they suck and you have to disclose to guys at some point, so if they still pursue you w that knowledge, saves you from having the anxiety over disclosure.

 

I've told lots of people and I'm OK w it, but I'm not going to voice it is o everyone, just like I don't about my endometriosis either.

[Brynn2012]

@2Legit2Quit

 

Interesting. You're right, there isn't anything you can really do about it. And it may be our business to tell, but any time we tell other people...there is a risk. I agree with you completely, I am okay with people knowing and if that's why we aren't friends or aren't together...BYE.

[WCSDancer2010]

Well, *I* told my story. And you know what I have found and heard from all the others who I know are "out"? When you stand up and own it, it seems to not only take the wind out of the sails of anyone who *might* be unkind, but often they suddenly realize just how little they know and will want to get informed. So my advice is *if* you were suddenly outed, I'd just own up to it.

 

A bully can't hurt you if you don't let them. They pray on the weak and the insecure. The minute you become ok with your status, when you don't care what they think, they won't think anything bad ... and if they do, they are not your friend anyway :)

 

Ella Dawson has done some great blogging about her more recent journey with being "out" ... read her story ... her "favorite disclosure" shows you the power of just owning it and being ok with it... :)

 

And BTW, not saying you have to come out ... but, if you were outed by someone and suddenly "everyone" knew... this is how *I* would deal with it ;)

 

I personally came out to everyone about a year and a half ago and I've have a mostly great reaction (one daughter got miffed but she gets miffed and most stuff I do...LOL)

 

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/dating-with-herpes Ella

 

My personal experience

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/i039m-out-of-the-herpes-closet

1st FB post

Follow up post

 

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4983/awesome-disclosure-own-it

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5154/telling-everyone-i-have-hsv2

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5212/i-came-out

 

Ash Beckhams Closet Ted Talk

 

 

[Brynn2012]

If you accept yourself and wear your detractions/personal "differences" on your sleeve, others won't be able to use them against you. I completely agree.

 

I don't even know what it means to be out. My mother, father, brother, aunt, and probably 7 other friends/people who were close to me at the time know. I haven't encountered a situation where I should've been open...maybe when my job was on the line, I could've been honest and kept it...but I was in a destructive place and them knowing wasn't going to benefit me. I don't know what is appropriate and at what point it's okay to discuss. The whole concept confuses me, haha @WCSDancer2010

[WCSDancer2010]

Well, there's no "right" way to be out. People like Ella Dawson and myself are completely "out" - we have no problems discussing our status with anyone. We own it and have generally got to a place where we don't care what others think because we are on a mission to slay the stigma.

 

That's not for everyone. In fact, it's probably not the "best" way to have everyone be "out". I'd say for the average person, just being OK with it if someone finds out, being able to not take it personally if someone says something ignorant or hurtful (knowing that their words are not about YOU) ... and being able to gently correct people when they say something that is incorrect/untrue about Herpes is probably a better way to be "out".

 

I personally feel it's "ok" to discuss it any time YOU want/need to, as long as YOU are comfortable and confident in your status AND any reaction you may get from others.

 

This is how *I* look at it: we are all adults. We *should* be able to discuss these things without shame as adults. As Brene Brown says in the video below,

 

"If you put shame in a petri dish it needs 3 things to grow exponentially - secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame into a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. "

 

Surround yourself with people who lift you up, no matter what. People who you can discuss Herpes with as if you were discussing the common cold. That's a good place to start. Over time, if you wish to "come out" to more people, do it at your pace. If you are a private person, that's ok too... but the main thing is to work on being confident enough with the virus, knowing it doesn't say or define anything about who YOU are. Then if someone happens to go around and tell everyone, you will be able to stand with your head up and say "Yes, I have Herpes .... and I'm ok with it. In fact, I'd love to help you to learn the facts about it because most people are woefully mis-informed about it. So, what do you think you know about it?" That will stop 99% of people in their tracks.... because now there is a face to the virus. And most will be very glad when you inform them.

 

I just had a conversation with a guy who started dating one of my best friends. I revealed that I was a Herpes advocate to him in our conversation (we were talking about my drive to NC and when he asked the reason for the trip, I told him about what I do) ... He opened up that he has it too.... and that my friend accepts him with it unconditionally. I like to feel that I had at least a small part in that acceptance because I have talked openly to her and my other friends about the facts, so she was already somewhat informed.

 

If we could all change the perceptions that people have about Herpes for just ONE person, and they then changed the perceptions for another, the stigma would quickly die out.

 

AND

 

If you are not there, that's ok too :)

 

The videos below have been part of my inspiration for what I do... :)

 

Shame

 

Vulnerability

 

Kirsty Spraggon Ted Talk “You are only as Sick as Your Secrets

 

[2Legit2Quit]

@WCSDancer2010 I really think you should write a book. I know you have a blog, but I think your level of philosophy, intellect, knowledge, advice and experience deserves to be published. I really think you have a knack for this and think it deserves the publishing of a book, especially along w the relationship advice and using herpes as a tool. Have you thought about this yet?

[2Legit2Quit]

You should be giving talks along side someone like Renee Brown.. Maybe you should send her an email, explaining your position and how you often use her advice in your counselling. Sorry darling, all that you've got to give dearvea a lot larger platform than just a blog and this site, although you're advice and support here are just as tremendous! <3

 

I can only hope that I come to a place where you are and full of knowledge like you one day on life.

[WCSDancer2010]

Awwww - thanks .. :)

 

I do hope at some point to get my voice out there ... but I'm looking to get onto public platforms like Steve Harvey and Oprah and other shows to get the word out to the "regular" public .... but I have to find the time (Time? What time? LOL) to make that happen...LO

[Bebe]

I agree!! You totally should be out there talking to the masses. It could prob change things for a lot of people. Get people talking and open their minds. Find the time please!!! Lol

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

@wcsdancer2010 PLEASE get out there and get people educated! I've told ~15 friends/coworkers, and only ONE of them knew that herpes isn't included in the "full" STI panel. I was just exposed and contracted GHSV-2 in early July from a close friend that never showed "traditional" symptoms and had tested clean. It's so frustrating to know that simply including this test in the panel might have prevented this whole debacle!

[WCSDancer2010]

Well, I have bills to pay ... so I do all this on my own dime right now. I'm working on getting some funding ... I'll update everyone on that when I have it sorted out ... but I have to do this one step at a time .... in between work, grandbaby, and life in general :)

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

I've told my "story" to upwards of 20 people so far - no one that is a romantic interest yet, primarily all of my female friends, and coworkers as well as gay friends of mine. I'm sure that it will spread from there, but I'm in an age bracket (25-35) that isn't gossipy. If it does spread, I only hope that my educational points do too - I'm telling my friends so they can know that NO ONE tests for this, and "clean" doesn't mean anything. My giver had no idea he had this (a combination of never having a primary outbreak, very minor recurrent symptoms of a small irritation, and doctors that reinforced that he was "clean" with every STI panel), so I have told anyone I feel comfortable with and care about that there is a danger out there.

So far, only one person has known this wasn't included in and STI panel, one revealed she had ghsv1 and another said that she had dated and was intending to sleep with a man that was ghsv2 positive.

If you look at your "reveal" as educational, then you may feel much better if its shared. That's the way I think about it anyways!

[WCSDancer2010]

If you look at your "reveal" as educational, then you may feel much better if its shared. That's the way I think about it anyways!

 

YES! And you have to be able to understand that ignorance and nastiness (if you come across it) says NOTHING about you! If you can really GET these two things, it's easy to talk about it :)

 

 

[JenPhoenix40]

My best friend of 35+ years told my secret. We're 40 yrs old and like sisters, so of course, I had confided in her. She then told her guy, her 17 yr old son, her brother and sister in law, and her mother. We aren't on speaking terms, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be her friend again. That's the ultimate betrayal.

 

Here's another shocker - a friend that I see every weekend nearly is the receptionist at the gyno office. When I needed the appt, I told her it was because I was pretty sure I had herpes, and turns out I did. Then I find out she told her live in boyfriend. Violation of my patient rights, but I don't care enough to fight it.

 

I'm learning to just deal. If people talk, I hope it comes off as a reflection on them rather than all on me.

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

@jenphoenix40 I'm so sorry this has happened to you. But I have to say, someone that feels the need to talk about you behind your back, to find gossip in someone else's pain, does not deserve your love and loyalty. You are so much better than that, and now you have been able to filter out a bad piece of your life thanks to this.

 

I'm glad you're thinking of this as a reflection on them - because it absolutely is! This probably has more to do with them realizing that they're not invincible (because someone in their friend group got it) and being scared. When people are scared, sometimes they can't find strength in themselves and climb on top of others to feel better. Those are sad little people, and not those that deserve your time or energy. For those good people that hear the story, their reaction will be "why are you telling me this, this is none of your business."

 

You will come out of this being stronger, and all that happened to them is they got to prove their true value.

 

<3

[Anna01]

@JenPhoenix40 I have no idea of the details of your relationship with this friend and I do not know her BUT some people feel like they need to share things that are weighing on them. She might care about you so much that she just needed someone to talk to about it. Hard for us to understand, I know, but it is possible. My sister found out a friend of ours tested HIV+. She was soooo effected by it that she couldn't help but confide in myself and my other sister. She cares deeply about this girl and just needed someone to talk too. We pass zero judgement on the girl. We also know her very well and were only sad to hear this knews. Because my sister told us we were able to comfort her. Her friend still doesn't know that we know. We haven't told anyone. I can understand completely where you are coming from with your frustration with your friend. I have no idea if she is a gossip or whatever. I just wanted to offer a different perspective.

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

@anna01 that's a completely valid point! I definitely jumped on the "gossip" train, but that's a really good point to make. Not all "chatter" is "gossip."

[2Legit2Quit]

This is the one thing I always remind myself of when I tell a friend my business, especially herpes. Women seem to deem their partners as not breaking their secrecy. For some reason, they view it as their partners not counting in not sharing it w anyone. So I decide when telling someone something, if I'm OK w their partner knowing as well, because I know they'll share it w them. Messed up as it is, just seems to be how it goes unfortunately.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well when she told that many people, that is gossip, not needing to get something off their chest

[Anna01]

@2Legit2Quit but if you look at who she told, it is all people that are close in her life. They are either her partner or her family members. That's why I was thinking it could have been a confiding in vs a gossip thing. Just a possibility

[2Legit2Quit]

Yeah, but she also knows the stigma attached to it adn that's humiliating for her to see her best friends mom who is likely ignorant on it and probably would fear her using the bathroom

[Anna01]

I get what you mean

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

@jenphoenix40 as I was walking to work today, listening to the Spotify Top 100 Country songs (YES I live in NYC but these are my summer jams!) I heard this song, and after listening to the lyrics thought I wanted to share...I hope it makes you feel better, if nothing more than because country can be so silly but so insightful :)

 

 

"Pourin' salt in my sugar won't make yours any sweeter

Pissin' in my yard ain't gonna make yours any greener

And I wouldn't know about the rocks in your shoes

So I'll just do me and honey you can just do you"

[WCSDancer2010]

Here's another shocker - a friend that I see every weekend nearly is the receptionist at the gyno office. When I needed the appt, I told her it was because I was pretty sure I had herpes, and turns out I did. Then I find out she told her live in boyfriend. Violation of my patient rights, but I don't care enough to fight it.

 

That is DEFINITELY a violation of the HIPPA laws ... I would at least tell the main Dr or office manager. They need to take her aside and give her a warning. The next person may not be so "kind" to the office and that kind of thing will cost them a LOT of money as well as loss of patients when the word gets out....