Perspective

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

Hello, H Buddies!

 

I wanted to write a post and collect some of the advice that I've gotten from my friends, coworkers, doctors and these boards that have helped me so much.

 

First, the comedy:

Dane Cook: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pVB0PfzdrY

"And the funny thing is, girls when you get it, guys we don't even give a shit! "um..what side is it on? The left? Okay I'll just peel that back and come in from the east"

 

Amy Schumer:

(God: For me to undo your herpes, I'd have to kill off an entire village in Uzbekastan

Amy: Yeah, of course, whatever you think is best. Do it.

God: You'll also have to give up something.

Amy: name it

God: You have to stop drinking.

Amy: Pass. Um...what is herpes, exactly? It's an outbreak like, once a year? I don't know. I'll just take it.)

 

 

TRUTH. PREACH.

http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2014/02/dating-with-a-std.html

First off, stop blaming yourself, stop blaming the person who infected you, stop blaming the world. It happened and there is nothing you can do to get rid of it. You can sit in the house, feel bitter because you can’t play in the reindeer games, and invest in the world’s greatest vibrator OR you can accept the hand that was dealt and win with that shit. Sex is not that big of a person’s life if you add up all the hours in the day, so it’s not that you’re being handicapped by this STD in terms of going out and meeting people. If you’re the type of person that needed the allure of your new pussy to hook a man, then you were failing at life before you got those test results. You’re crying and depressed because you’ll never find a man that wants you because any sex will have to come with a warning label… is your personality that fucking weak? You mean to tell me that you can’t impress a man with your wit, your humor, or kindness, that unless the light at the end of the tunnel is RAW PUSSY that you are shit out of luck? The universe took away your Coochie Crutch and said, “Prove you’re still a bad bitch,” and here you are eyes all watery like, “You’re right, I’m not shit without an active vagina!”

 

My wise friends:

(Friend 1)

i've decided as your friend, i'm giving you until august 3rd to be sad and regretful

but then after that im turning on the no bullshit no sympathy for the past attitude

which means like... tough shit girl, you got herpes, it happened, it's done, move forward

old news

and hopefully me being an asshole will help you

fact is... you're going to meet your husband in the future... and have herpes

and you definitely wont be the first person to meet and a marry a person with herpes

because... get this.. you're A PERSON

A REALLY COOL FUCKING AWESOME PERSON

 

(Friend 2)

It's one of the world's oldest things you can get and it's controllable. A lot of people have it so don't worry about the stigma. Someone who truly loves you won't give a shit. And just focus on getting better. When your body is in that much pain you're going to feel like a trashbag and feel like you won't ever be normal. But you will be. You will heal and you will be back to being you.

 

(Friend 3)

(when I was asking for confirmation that people would still date me)

Of course people will still date you. There are plenty of other reasons why they wouldn't date you that are way more problematic than herpes ;)

 

(Friend 4)

All of our guy friends think you're hot. Hot and beautiful, which sounds childish but really is a distinction dudes discuss and understand. And everyone feels the same way that you're a cool chick. This doesn't change any of that. You shouldn't worry because you are a strong, kind, funny, desired and respected woman.

 

(Doctor)

Listen, someone is going to love you for all of you. When I came to this country 7 years ago, I was with my husband from an arranged marriage who was abusive and my son. My husband left me all alone, and sometimes I look at my child and think "who will love me with this?" and I realize that the person that I'm meant to be with will love me and all of this. Not despite of, but because of, all that I am. And that includes my son. And you will find that love that loves everything for you.

 

 

 

[2Legit2Quit]

Wow, very wise words they all shared w you! That's amazing! Wish I'd had words if support like that when u got it! Lol... Hang in there girly!

[justagirl72]

I really needed this right now. I actually just watched that Amy Schumer episode!

 

I am never one to throw myself a pity party or wallow. I am the friend who gently but firmly pulls my friends out of self pity, but I am really struggling right now. I'm actually going to send my friend that one link and tell her to give me a couple more weeks to be sad and then tell me to suck it up. It is what it is.

 

Currently, I'm not so much suffering emotionally as I am physically. I never ever get sick so to feel this poor physically is really messing with me.

 

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

@justagirl72 it's quite a rollercoaster, isn't it? I haven't been on a constant wave of pity, but it will just wash over me and then in a few hours, and a few gchats with friends later, it will be gone and I'm back to being a little more me.

 

The physical part is just the shitty icing on the cake, isn't it?

 

I just wrote a post about being in that awful physical place (not to mention your mental place) which happened during first outbreak last week (http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6712/i-will-never-take-health-for-granted-again#latest). By the end of the week, which included a urgent care trip (herpes) ER trip (tonsillitis) and a gyno visit (abnormal cervix) I literally said "I hope the only thing that's wrong with me is herpes".

 

For those of us that are lucky enough to be blessed with good health (which we more often than not take for granted), we really forget what it's like when you don't have that health. And your body is in the garbage and you feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. But there is. You'll get through this.

 

Is the link you're talking about the Dating with an STD link? That thing was a game changer for me. If any guy has any question about dating me, I'm actually going to send him that link. Sex is nothing to be trivialized, it means a lot to so many people (myself included), but if they really can't see that I am still the sweet, funny, sexy, thoughtful, kindhearted, earnest, smart woman that they've been dating for XX weeks after I disclose, then I'm fairly certain they were not that into me to begin with.

 

Also, having a "truth" friend is so helpful. Not to tell you that you're wrong for how you're feeling, but to contextualize this shit for you. We will heal, physically and mentally. Until then, give yourself a break. We are not superwoman. We do not have to get over this in a week. We can grieve, but we can remember that grieving is not a destination but a key part of the process to acceptance.

 

 

[Anna01]

@NothingGoodGetsAway Amen sister! I LOVE Dane Cook. Honestly, H is something that really should be expressed openly. It is nothing to hide and be ashamed of. Slowly but surely the stigma will weaken. I can feel it! :)

 

Also your friends sound amazing. A great support system is a blessing for times like these. I love how involved you are with gaining knowledge and sharing experiences. For me, it is a life saver. I found out almost exactly a month ago and communicating with others on this site is such a relief. It really shows how many people get diagnosed everyday. We really are part of the majority. Although it may feel like the exact opposite sometimes.

[WCSDancer2010]

@NothingGoodGetsAway

 

I LOVE it that you loved the "Dating with a STD" link ... and your quote was the part that I hoped people would *REALLY* get ... yes, it's raw and the language may upset some, but in a way, I think it makes it all the more REAL ... and coming from a guy too ...

 

"If you’re the type of person that needed the allure of your new pussy to hook a man, then you were failing at life before you got those test results. "

 

Sadly many, if not most, of us women have (or at lead HAD) bought into the belief that to keep the man interested, we had to give him the cookie .... and the more I work on here and the more I experience with my own relationships, the more I realize that yes, I CAN stick to my guns and slow things down (though my body may be on full-on revolt by the end of the night... lol) until I can see where the man's intentions really are ... and if he ghosts me, well, I got my answer and it's NOT personal ... just shows what a jerk he really is...

 

Thank you for this. This link is going into my Perspectives hoard of links :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[WCSDancer2010]

BTW, for new readers, these links are great too :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6070/it-gets-better great tips for newbies

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

[Kbutterfly]

Thank you ! I'm in such a dark place right now. I needed that laugh.