how to disclose to someone who will have a hard time accepting. (READ TO THE END!)

[justagirl72]

First, my life is a shitshow. So lets just get that out of the way.

 

So I ended things with my ex is April ish and fell in to "the givers" waiting arms. The giver was a master manipulator and did and said all the right things. By the time I came to my senses it was too late and I got H despite only having slept with him 3 times. During this whole period of time my ex was fighting very hard to get me back.

 

My ex has now proven if you stalk my life enough ill come back. However, what he doesn't know... yet... is that I'm back with H. He is showing me that he is the guy I have been wanting him to step up and be. He has been attentive and loving. He keeps bringing up trying out a relationship again, but I know he will be devastated when I tell him what's been weighing so heavy on me. I know that he could accept I was involved with someone else and even accept that I slept with someone but I don't think he can accept my H. So I am torn as to just put a stop to this now or be open and honest with him. If he truly loves me like he says he does maybe hell understand? Then again, he IS my ex for a reason. I have been so selfish with his time because its nice to have him being this doting person... making me feel special and loved. I have printed out all the disclosure stuff just in case. I know I have to tell him soon because he is getting carried away with the idea of us together. He hasn't tried to be physical with me at all. We've just really been enjoying our time together. He makes me breakfast, hung curtain rods and curtains, cleaned out my car, and even got a pedicure with me. He is this totally different person.

 

For the record: h has really made me consider my issues with men and relationships...aand I'm definitely seeking therapy asap. Thanks, h. I tend to attract only narcissistic men.

 

And I know everyone will probably say to focus on myself for now... but Ive tried that for the majority of my 20s lol

 

To disclose or not disclose... that is the question.

[jl13]

I think you need to decide what YOU want from him and the relationship. Do you honestly want to get back together with him or do you just like the attention (I'm guilty of just liking the attention sometimes!). If you love him and you want to be with him, then tell him. Like you said, if he truly loves you, it won't matter. You are still you. You are still the funny, beautiful person that he fell in love with.

 

The best thing to do is to figure out if you want to be back with him. Forget the attention, forget what he wants, forget everything else besides what you want. If he is what you want, then read up on the information so you can answer his questions. Having the disclosure papers are good too, but personally I think it's better when you can tell him yourself and use the papers as a backup/support.

 

Disclosing is definitely scary, especially when you are risking something you want. I haven't had to disclose to anyone I was starting a relationship with (only to someone who was a friend with benefits and he didn't care), so I can't give you any insight on how to do it. But if he's the right guy for you, he will still want to be with you. If he isn't, then see ya! He wasn't worth it. And you will find the one that is worth it! Good luck! :)

[Anna01]

I agree with @jl13 . I would start with thinking of whether or not you really want to be back with him. Make sure you aren't using him as a safe zone. He deserves real love just like you do. So think about how you feel about him and if you are truly interested in him vs what he brings to the table.

 

If you discover that you do want to be with him again, the answer is simple, tell him. Real love knows no bounds. If he cares for you, he might need a moment to think but he will realize that you are soooooo much more than a stupid skin condition. It sounds like he really cares for you but only you know if it is right to get back with him.

 

Good luck with your decision and keep us posted :)

[2Legit2Quit]

I disclosed to an old flame and he didn't care... Don't always assume someone is not going to accept it. I didn't even have a long history w this guy and no feelings of love and he still accepted it, I however chose not to take things further for other reasons. If this guy really loves you and wants to be w you, he'll accept you w H and all.

[WCSDancer2010]

@justagirl72

 

I agree with the others. First you have to be BRUTALLY honest with yourself ... Do you love him? Or are you just there because he's being nice and everything you wanted him to be when you were with him.

 

If the answer is that you still love him, then yes, you need to disclose ... and honey, that will be the test of his love. Herpes makes a GREAT Wingman ... it shows us whether someone wants to get INTO us, or get into US ... is he just being nice to "win" you back because it's comfortable for him, or whatever ... or does he REALLY value you and has he REALLY woke up and grown up and is ready to be everything a great partner should be?

 

These links below should help you to understand this ... so that whatever his reaction you will get it that his reaction tells you a LOT more about him and it doesn't say anything about you and who you are... with OR without H ;)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

 

 

[justagirl72]

Hi ladies!

 

Thanks so much for the support. I spent five days on the other side of the country with my best friend. It was nice to get away.

 

When I had gotten back, he had planned a little weekend getaway for us and I was soo torn up. I debated telling him before and I was worried be wouldn't want to go away with me. Thought about telling him on our way home.

 

In the end, I broke down before we left. I cried hysterically and told him. I guess I had built it up in my head. He didn't even flinch. He had figured something happened because he didn't think we weren't having sex for no reason so he had already prepared himself. His feelings didn't change at all and we had an amazing weekend. He was just so good. He was asking ME how I felt and he was concerned if I needed space after telling him or if I needed his support more than ever. Either way, he made it clear he is here for me. He asked a couple questions and then we got lunch.

 

Although I'm still feeling uneasy about sex. It makes me so upset because we had such an amazing sex life before. Now I still feel too low about the whole situation to be intimate at all. I feel like it is unfair to him. I dont know. I get really emotional about that part of the whole thing.

 

I know he's also struggling with the fact that I was seeing someone after we broke up. It doesn't help that he worked with my giver. I guess time will tell. The giver wont leave me alone. He keeps wanting to talk about everything. I haven't returned any texts or calls. I hope he gets the picture soon.

 

For now, love wins :)

 

 

[2Legit2Quit]

Hang in there!

[WCSDancer2010]

Hey - that's great news! Just take it one day at a time.... don't rush anything. You both need to process things a bit. But in the end, herpes is showing you that this man is TRYING to show you how he feels. The fact that he waited for you to explain why you weren't having sex, and his reaction to your disclosure. That says a lot.

 

Just take it one day at a time....let it work itself out. Patience Grasshopper!

[justagirl72]

You're right! That has been our motto lately...one day at a time. So I'm really trying to keep that in mind through all of this.

 

We have had very open and honest conversations about a lot of things...about H and not about H. Conversations that I feel might not have happened if I wasn't so open and honest with my H status.

 

While he's been a jerk in the past, I will say he has totally shown up for me lately and been unbelievably supportive and understanding. I was worried that he wasn't showing interest in sex because he doesn't want to have sex with me...but when I brought up this insecurity I've been struggling with he said that he's simply waiting until I'm ready to do it again. Then he asked if I had type 1 or 2. He had done his own research just like I suggested. I'm just really impressed with him.

 

I guess I underestimated his feelings for me when I assumed he'd have a hard time accepting. So ladies, never assume anything when it comes to H and people's reaction to it!! They just might surprise you.

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm changing this to the category of Success Stories!!! Whoohooo!