Learning how to forgive and love yourself again

[justagirl72]

I'm struggling. I have always taken pride in never playing the victim in my life and being able to cope with anything life throws my way. Lately, I just feel completely consumed by saddness. I feel like all my daily stressors are magnified by H.

 

I am dealing with another OB and I just feel disgusting and ashamed. It's not only the H, but the circumstances in which I got it. I thought I was with someone who had my best interest at heart, someone I could trust. I learned too late that he had a girlfriend and he wasn't at all who he made me believe that he was. So that weighs on my constantly. I should have known better. I'm smarter than that. That makes me feel equally disgusting and low.

 

I have a wonderful boyfriend who has been a huge support and has been trying so hard to love me through all of this. He is my ex and we used to have a wonderful pre H sex life. Now, we've tried to have sex 3 times and 2/3 times I've cried hysterically afterward. I'm a mess. He is so loving and says all the right things to make me feel better. That we don't have to have sex if I'm not ready, sex is such a small part of the relationship that we have, etc etc etc. But he neverrr gets off with condoms and that makes me feel terrible as a girlfriend. I want to make him feel as good as he makes me feel. The sex used to be so good and I feel like the condom and the fact that he doesn't reach the end is a constant reminder of my H and the choices I made. It hurts so much. He says he doesn't care if he gets off...he enjoys sex because it is with me, someone he loves.

 

I read the inspirational things and everyone's posts and I hear it and I get it...but I can't seem to drag myself out of this darkness that I'm feeling. I cry every day and I hate feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this, but I can't seem to get in the positive mindset like I could before. I'm not sure what to do. I don't know how to forgive myself and begin to love myself again.

[mr_hopp]

Thank you for posting this. It breaks my heart and warms it all at the same time. It breaks it because I can feel from your post how much pain you're in ... and it warms it hearing you WANTING to forgive yourself and WANTING your boyfriend to feel loved and adored. It's in the wanting itself that the forgiveness begins to happen. It feels like love to me. Even though you feel like you don't have it yet, it's in the wanting that will pull you through. Even posting this post right here is actually a tremendous act of self-compassion. Asking for help and support is a huge act of self-love. It's courageous and humble. I'm proud of you for reaching out, especially in the midst of so much pain. There's no silver bullet that will make it all go away, but shifting your perspective from the fear and toward the love ... toward your big heart.

 

And let me tell you something about you judging those tears. Tears, when they are a release, are so healthy and natural. Let them flow. But please don't beat yourself up about them. That's just adding more pain and self-judgment when what you're wanting is to head down the road of forgiveness and love. Look at every action you take and ask yourself "Is this the fear talking or the love?" It's a practice, m'dear. And you're on the road already.

 

The great news is that you've got so many options for moving forward with this!

 

The first and most important is community. Check. You're already here making yourself available to it. Our amazing community of heartfelt people who have gone through it, too, is a powerful source of healing. Shame can't exist in a supportive and loving community. It just can't. (Check out Brene Brown's TED talks for more on this.)

 

And getting support in other ways (a counselor, coach or therapist) helps you stay on course, too. I coach people one-on-one if you're interested in my support, send me a private message and we can talk. Supporting people in loving their lives is my full time job. :)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/profile/1/Adrial_Mr_H_Opp

 

I also created the Lifestyle Guides that walk you through the healing process, step-by-step. (They're what I wish I had when I first got herpes and felt totally lost and in deep despair.) The most powerful guides in that for you would be Self Care & Self Image (guide 1) and "Sex & Intimacy" (guide 4). They will walk you through, step-by-step new perspectives that will allow you to love yourself more and allow yourself to be loved by your man (who sounds pretty frickin' awesome). Check them all out here: http://herpesopportunity.com/guides.php

 

Wherever you end up getting the support, I'm just glad you're reaching out. It's the first step to getting anywhere. Big hugs! :)

[2Legit2Quit]

I think you need to be patient w yourself and allow yourself to go through the grieving process. It may have been to soon for you to be involved w someone, since you haven't come to a place of acceptance and stop the sekf blame.

.

I think seeing a therapist may help right now and highly recommend it. I also would have him see a doctor on why he can't finish w a condom. That's not what you'd call "normal", can't think of another way to describe it. Somethig is off, that he can't finish w a condom..

I also highly recommend trying out the female condom. It is loose and does not restrict the penis like a male condom and is supposed to feel better for both male and female. So why don't you start w that? It also provides more protection for him, because it covers part of your labia. The penis can move freely, just like it dies w out a condom. I think a lot of your crying is not necessarily from having H, but you feel bad that about yourself that he can't finish due to condoms, which he's using because of your H.

 

When you start having a negative train if thought, say to yourself nope nope nope! Not going to do this! I don't have to let this ruin my life, it is a choice and I'm making the choice that this will not change how u love myself.

[WCSDancer2010]

@justagirl72

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

First, my friend... BREATHE and (((HUGS))) to you. I wish I could come over there and take you in my arms and hold you and let you cry it out.

 

I can vouch for @Adrial as a coach and for his amazing Lifestyle Guides. If you are that down, please reach out to him. He has a way of helping to walk people through the mud and onto dry ground... AND one thing to remember about that mud (One of my favorite saying that I'm going to have Tattoo'd one me soon) ... "No Mud, No Lotus". Yes it feels like you are in a nasty, dark place, but this is an opportunity for you to start to REALLY look inward, at all the negative things you are telling yourself, because odds are they come from somewhere else and Herpes has just brought them out and given you "proof" that they are true (and I can promise you, they are NOT true!).

 

In the meantime... let your BF love you exactly as he is loving you. Try to just accept his love. Maybe for now, stop having sex and instead, work on other ways to be intimate (and some can get him off if you want... but to be honest, one of the great things about sex is that you don't HAVE to orgasm .... maybe this is life trying to help you to learn to enjoy the journey and not worry about the destination!)

 

http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5807/list-the-ways-to-protect-my-partner-from-getting-herpes-hsv2 Safe alternatives to sex

 

 

You didn't say which type of H you have ... but have you tried anti-virals? That might give you more peace of mind so that you could try having sex without condoms.

 

And let me tell you. I just started dating a guy who is a Doctor and a Naturopath. when I disclosed he didn't blink. I offered to go on anti-virals to protect him... he said no, he's ok with me not being on them. So if a DOCTOR can be ok with it, try to allow yourself to let your BF be ok with his CHOICE.

 

(((HUGS)))