No one understands....

[Ris1189]

Hi everyone, my name is Marisa and I'm new to the forum. I'm here to share my story, my personal struggle with this, and to gain insight and support from people who do understand (hence my title).

 

I contracted herpes in September of 2012 from my boyfriend. He did not disclose this information to me...in fact, he wouldn't end of telling me that he was the one who gave it to me for months down the road. I can remember the day I felt my first sore. I rushed to the ER and was told it was folliculitis. The next day woke up and the sores had spread. After another ER visit, I was told by the doctor that it was Herpes. At this point I didn't know who i got it from, and I was in this new relationship and was afraid to tell my significant other the news in fear he would reject/leave me. He told me he supported me and would be there by my side---unbeknownst to me it was him who gave it to me. My initial reaction was disgust, denial, shock, u name it. I was in so much denial that I refused to fill my prescription for valtrex which the ER Doctor prescribed me. Me? I had herpes? I was sick. Couple months go by and my boyfriend decided to come clean and tell me not only did he have it, but he was aware of having it during our first time having sex.

 

The twist is that I'm still with the same guy--in a toxic and abusive relationship. Some physical but mostly emotional/mental. Not to mention he will never talk about it with me. I don't know when he gets sores--he hides it from me. I tell him when I get them but there's very little reaction from him. I've told one of my sisters and a couple friends out of desperation to talk about it. I'm depressed and I feel stuck in this horrible relationship due to the fear of getting rejected by someone else. So by me staying with this guy, I'm able to forget about it for some time at least. This guys is a pathological liar, a narcisist, a cheater, a thief, and basically a loser--I know I shouldn't be with him. I've tried to leave multiple times and the one thing that always makes me reach out and come back is the fear of never finding someone else to love me again. I know everyone is here for support but This feels like a death sentence to me. I would have left him years ago if it weren't for this. At times I've told him literally that he owes it to me to stay with me forever because how else will j have a husband, family, etc. I resent him with every fiber of my bent. I've settled for less and put up with infidelities and deceit for 4 years all because of my own inability to cope with this. I want to get to a place where I can live myself again and accept this. I don't feel like the same person--I've gained weight from my depression and I just feel gross, not to mention when we fight he plays on my insecurity. I have pushed a lot of my friends and family away because I don't want to hear the truth. I know i shouldn't be with him but how can I be honest and forthcoming about how I'm feeling and why I don't leave when I'm afraid to tell anyone the real issue? everyone looks at me like why are you still with him? And I want to scream it from the top of the highest building, but I can't. I know I need to speak to SOmeone about this because I've had suicidal thoughts over it--mainly when we fight and break up and I'm left alone as a shell of the person I once was. I just want to be freed of this and learn how to cope. I'm afraid to open up to someone new because the anxiety of someone knowing my secret is overwhelming. I just want to be happy and leave this cockroach of a human behind. Thank you for reading. This forum has given Me life today because I went through a vey rough patch this morning. I found text messages between him and another female and broke it off only to feel so alone as this is when it hits me.

 

Marisa

[Ris1189]

Comments are greatly appreciated.

[Amethyst21]

Hi RIS... I too contracted H while in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. This is one reason it took me much longer to come to terms with the diagnosis. Over time I have come to realize that a lot if the negative feelings and fear I had were actually a result of my staying in my relationship and not from H alone. My ex would say horrible things to me... That I no one would want me now so I guess I have to stay.... He's draw me in again and again only to push me away and blame when things weren't good. I too kept my diagnosis a secret from my friends and family. I thought if someone so close to me feels like this than what will others say. In part I think I was afraid that they'd confirm my fears. Then I got to a point where I couldn't function, I broke down and we separated. It was only then that I realized that most people are not like him. When I quit isolating and took my time out to heal I was met with kindness and understanding. My first disclosure terrified me, but his response was that I love you means I love you... we'll work this out. When you're in an abusive relationship you think of a million reasons that you can't leave. Thinking back before my diagnosis, there were tons of other negative loops that I caught myself in to tell myself that I couldn't leave. I was so afraid to be alone, but then I realized that what I was dealing with was far worse than being alone. My advice to you is to take some time to yourself. Rely on the support of your friends and family, even if you don't explain the situation with H they will be there for you if you tell them you're having a hard time and let them in. If you need help ask for it... I'm a very independent person and to get out of my bad relationship I had to accept that I needed help and couldn't do it alone. Also take baby steps.... I would get completely overwhelmed if I thought about forever and not just what I needed to do right now. I'm so sorry that you are facing this situation! There are many on this forum who have been in the same boat and have gone on to have a happy future with beautiful relationships. Things may feel hopeless, but they are not and please if you are felling suicidal don't act on it... seek help, things will get better! You are right to reach out for support and I can tell you are a strong and brave woman with much hope for your future. It takes a lot of courage to rise above the things that you are facing, and act in your own best interest, and you're working at it. Please feel free to contact me if you want to chat.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Ris1189

 

First, Hello and Welcome and I'm sooo glad you found us!

 

Honey, my heart breaks for you. This is about sooo much more than Herpes. This is about you learning to love YOURSELF enough to never, EVER put up with poor behavior from ANYONE that is directed at you. So my first plea is for you to find some way to get some counseling ASAP... someone who can help you learn to love yourself again. We can help you here, but honestly you sound like you need more directed and personal help.

 

Our own @Adrial is a brilliant counselor and he can do Skype sessions with you. If you are not quite ready to do a one on one, we have the Lifestyle Guides. You can use my code "PAMSAVE10" to save 10% .... http://herpesopportunity.com/guides.php

 

Whatever you do, PLEASE get some professional help.

 

Now, as for your fear of being alone: Honey, I got HSV2 at age 17...and I have had Oral HSV1 since I was 4. Got married and unfortunately gave it to my then hubby (because of misdiagnosis) ... we were still together for 20 yrs before other things caused us to split but we are still good friends). I've had 2 BF's since then, neither of who cared about my diagnosis.... and I've just entered a new relationship this week with a man who is a Doctor/Naturopath who didn't blink when I told him. In fact, we are able to be 100% vulnerable with each other about all kinds of things I've never been able to discuss with any other man... and THAT is a beautiful thing.....

 

I also suggest that you read all the Success Stories that you can so you can see how many H+ folks are finding love with discordant partners ....

 

Do you know if you have HSV1 or HSV2? It helps to know so you know how to discuss it with future partners ...

 

PLEASE: I hope you will work towards breaking free from your beliefs that you are not going to find love ... I would guess this is going far deeper than just Herpes and likely you will need guidance to help you to get to the bottom of that so you can free yourself from your self-destructive and self-limiting beliefs.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Ris1189]

Thank you so much Dancer and Amerhyst. I have genital HSV2. After reading a bunch of discussions, I realize how very new I am talking about this. I am seeking professional counseling and I'm trying my hardest to have NO contact whatsoever with my ex. You are both right and I appreciate you both sharing parts of your story, because it made me feel that there is hope. I have struggled with depression for 10 years, on and off. My father died when I was 15 and it's been a struggle ever since. I had a therapist for a while and then decided I could go without one. And I was ok, until this guy came into my life. I know there are deeper issues here and I don't want H to distract me from that. I have a lot of figuring out to do. But, Amethyst is right. I could be unhappy alone but it could never be worse than living a lie and being with someone I know doesn't deserve me. I'm on the path to self-acceptance and love. I feel that once u hit the bottom of that dark place, the only way to move is up. Thank you both for taking the time and writing to me! It means so much! I plan to discuss my healing process on here. You all give me hope that it will be okay. Thank so much, again.

[2Legit2Quit]

@ris1189 I too suffer from depression, was in an emotional and sometimes abusive relationship pre-herpes. I can attest to the fact, that - that relationship did more damage to me, than getting H 4yrs later after that relationship. You're focusing on the H for why you feel the way you do, because it's something physically identifiable for you to blame it on. It's much deeper than H. I can tell you right now, had god given me a choice to be in a relationship w that man and be immune to H the rest of my life or not be w him ever and get H at some point, I'd choose H any day over him. The damage that an abusive partner, runs much deeper than a stupid virus and I'm a living testament to that. The effects of what he did to me for those yrs during and after, are so much greater than the emotional trauma H had on me for a few months post diagnosis. Run away from this man! He is robbing you if your soul and life. He will impact you for some time to come even after it's over, so do not waste any more time w this fool and give your life to him. You have the power to take it back, so do so!

[Anna01]

2legit and dancer said it all so well. I just want to offer you my support. I think that communication is one of the best forms of therapy. When we hide our struggle, it festers and becomes more than we can handle. So try to accept that you have H. Realize that it really is not a big deal. If you learn to love yourself, the right one will find you and love you too. Your heart, your mind, your soul is VERY VERY important. You need to protect these things. I would rather love myself everyday vs get verbally and emotionally abused everyday. You can love yourself 1000 times more than he ever could. What he is doing is not love....not in the least. It is manipulation and control. Manipulation never feels good. So I vote that you leave this jerk alone. Work on yourself and see how good life can be when you live in the light. He is the place of darkness. Don't go back. Love yourself and like you said, the only way to go is up :) I don't know you but I am so proud that you recognize what is happening and that something needs to change. That takes courage. I am here if you ever want to talk (BIG HUGS)

[Bambina3]

I just wanted to stop and leave you hugs...you are not alone