Frustrated with dating

[lynnie]

I just joined this site after being introduced to it over a facebook group. Dating for the past 5 years with this has been difficult. Thought of myself being a diseased piece of trash for the first 4 years until I just got fed up with the way I was being treated in general by men. I am now very open on dating sites having it and mostly get fed up with guys just looking at me as their next pleasure toy. You go through periods of time feeling like a disease but get past that! I am more frustrated with guys just looking at me as their next target. Took me 4 years after my 16 yr marriage to feel this way and that was a year ago making it 5 years total. The good thing is it has taught me to stick up for myself and not going there again until I meet that one person I see a true future with. Just because you got this don't let it take control over you, thank goodness there are these sites with the most wonderful people helping to make you feel better about yourself. I am to the pissed off point now that I am tired of guys just looking at me as their next target. Are their any guys out there that want to get to know you first? And I don't mean that the second date is that time! All I can tell you newbies to this is that be glad this is all you have gotten, there is a lot worse out there! So learn all you can about this and be careful not to get anything worse. It is a shock at first but so many people meet that someone special due to having it and being around caring people.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well have you met anyone in those five yrs, disclosed, they accepted and you had a sexual relationship w?

[lynnie]

Yes I always have disclosed what I have and got so tired of THE TALK that I post it on normal sites anymore. I haven't had sexual relations in 2 1/2 years now not that they haven't tried. There have been those that I scared off with telling them and that is why I post it anymore not to go there again. I am looking for so much more than that and could care less until I meet that someone special again if I ever meet him.

[2Legit2Quit]

How good is your success rate would you say, compared to your rejection? Good for newbies to hear this.

[lynnie]

I have become very open about my situation but I can't seem to meet that person who wants to get to me outside of the bedroom for the most part or I just don't have any interest. Ladies all I can say is have respect for yourselves and don't let this take control over you. Hell, you can give yourself a hell of an orgasm on your own and don;t need to worry about what you are going to catch from it! LOL It has become a matter of looking for that one person I can see myself being with for hopefully the rest of my life! I am going to be 50 next month and after 5 years of this crap I gave finally gotten tired of the games. Every time I get on my facebook page for a group from POS there are always new people weekly on there just finding out and are distraught thinking that this is the end and it's not. It is just a time to become aware of what is really bad out there and to finally be careful! I was just reading an article of the one who played the little boy on who's the boss has had aids for about 20 years. Granted he is in a whole other class than us being gay but that doesn't change our chances of getting it also because I see those on POS who have it and I go WHOA! Glad it don't have that! And I don't feel so diseased anymore. You can still catch that being straight! So please educate yourself on here, this is a great site! And don't beat yourself up over this, it will get better over time of dealing with it. There are some great groups out there like POS on facebook and a new one that I just can't remember the name off hand where you can go out and meet others with it and have fun doing things together. That was so freeing for me when I finally found others with the same thing. I have had it for around 23 yrs now and thought I would never find anyone else being in a discouraging and mentally abusive marriage for 17 yrs. I just finally got fed up and my dad helped me to get out. Don't limit yourselves or feel alone, there are a hell of a lot of other people out there that have this! You are not alone!

[casi1001]

I can so understand with what your saying :). I found out I had H 3 years ago but I suspect I've had it a bit longer then that but I don't recall ever really having any outbreaks. It is possible a bad yeast infection I had 4-5 years ago may have been one but it went away pretty quick and that was before I tested positive so I didn't think to be tested for anything. At the time I found out I was positive I had been talking to someone for several months on the phone and had just met casually a few times. I told him and he of course came up with all kinds of excuses to stop seeing each other LOL, good riddance. Over the years I have talked to a number of different me with mixed results, some were OK with it but we just didn't mesh on other levels. About mid summer I started talking to someone who was in my area and we hit it off right away. We talked almost every day and had a great first date. I disclosed to him after the first date and he said he needed time to do some research and would get back to me, yeh yeh. Needless to say he didn't. It was after that that I decided I was done hiding and was done with worrying about having the dreaded "talk".

 

I had a profile up on Farmers Only (I'm VERY rural) and decided it was time I "came out" LOL, so I did. I went through and revamped my profile and also included a bunch of info that the everyday public had no clue about. Things like statistics on how many people have this and don't know it and that normal STD testing doesn't include the HSV test. I figured if nothing else I might be able to educate at least a few people and make a few others think twice about their behavior and wants. I never got any negative comments and in fact found I got more "likes" then I did before. Funny thing, early this summer (before coming out) I had a brief conversation with a man and then he was gone. That happened all the time so I never thought twice about it. Fast forward to within days of my coming out he contacts me again. He said something made him click on my profile again and when he saw my changes he had to contact me again. That was about 6 weeks ago and we still talk all the time as he lives about 6 hours away from me and in a different state. He isn't bothered by H at all and we talk freely about it all the time. I think we can both see a future with each other as we have so much in common on so many levels but time will tell. He even comes to this site and reads the forum :).

 

Coming out on my profile was the absolute best thing I could have done and was so freeing, no-more dreaded talks. I don't worry about people in my area finding out because I'm to the point where I really don't care what others think of me. My kids know and could care less and will also be better informed with their sex lives as they grow. I don't go out of my way to tell people I have H but if someone were to ask I would have no problem telling them. In many ways having H has made me a stronger person. If someone doesn't want to be around me because of this then don't let the

door hit you in the backside when you leave LOL and they are probably not someone I'd want in my life anyways.

 

I didn't mean for this to be a book sorry :).

 

 

 

[lynnie]

Az Heeps is the new site I was telling you about on facebook

[lynnie]

I can so understand with what your saying :). I found out I had H 3 years ago but I suspect I've had it a bit longer then that but I don't recall ever really having any outbreaks. It is possible a bad yeast infection I had 4-5 years ago may have been one but it went away pretty quick and that was before I tested positive so I didn't think to be tested for anything. At the time I found out I was positive I had been talking to someone for several months on the phone and had just met casually a few times. I told him and he of course came up with all kinds of excuses to stop seeing each other LOL, good riddance. Over the years I have talked to a number of different me with mixed results, some were OK with it but we just didn't mesh on other levels. About mid summer I started talking to someone who was in my area and we hit it off right away. We talked almost every day and had a great first date. I disclosed to him after the first date and he said he needed time to do some research and would get back to me, yeh yeh. Needless to say he didn't. It was after that that I decided I was done hiding and was done with worrying about having the dreaded "talk".

 

I had a profile up on Farmers Only (I'm VERY rural) and decided it was time I "came out" LOL, so I did. I went through and revamped my profile and also included a bunch of info that the everyday public had no clue about. Things like statistics on how many people have this and don't know it and that normal STD testing doesn't include the HSV test. I figured if nothing else I might be able to educate at least a few people and make a few others think twice about their behavior and wants. I never got any negative comments and in fact found I got more "likes" then I did before. Funny thing, early this summer (before coming out) I had a brief conversation with a man and then he was gone. That happened all the time so I never thought twice about it. Fast forward to within days of my coming out he contacts me again. He said something made him click on my profile again and when he saw my changes he had to contact me again. That was about 6 weeks ago and we still talk all the time as he lives about 6 hours away from me and in a different state. He isn't bothered by H at all and we talk freely about it all the time. I think we can both see a future with each other as we have so much in common on so many levels but time will tell. He even comes to this site and reads the forum :).

 

Coming out on my profile was the absolute best thing I could have done and was so freeing, no-more dreaded talks. I don't worry about people in my area finding out because I'm to the point where I really don't care what others think of me. My kids know and could care less and will also be better informed with their sex lives as they grow. I don't go out of my way to tell people I have H but if someone were to ask I would have no problem telling them. In many ways having H has made me a stronger person. If someone doesn't want to be around me because of this then don't let the

door hit you in the backside when you leave LOL and they are probably not someone I'd want in my life anyways.

 

I didn't mean for this to be a book sorry :).

 

 

 

 

[lynnie]

It is so nice to hear of people using this as a way to help others, I told my kids also and told them never to be afraid to come to me and ask me anything! I didn't have that growing up and got promiscuous trying to find someone to love me, most of the time it was to use me. I had been married once before for 1 1/2 years and was tested right after that and came up clean. I assume it was the guy I was shortly dating prior to meeting my husband who had it and at the time they just did a pap and it didn't show up, didn't find out what it was until 3 1/2 yrs later after my daughter was born and went in to find out what these breakouts were. I was shocked and at least my ex was very good about it and said he loved me and it didn't matter if he got it. He has never had a breakout for 20 yrs but don't know if he was ever tested and I'm sure never told his current wife. He did have his good moments it is just the bad overpower the memories. I am so glad to hear that you have met a nice person, that is hard in the un-diseased world to find anymore. I also found that when I posted my picture on normal sites telling them of what I had they were very responsive and have never gotten bad feedback unlike the when I hid it and thought someone else had it from his comments and I went from being beautiful to a whore. I have had enough of that crap over the years and have gotten bad feedback for posting it on facebook saying it is nobody's business then hearing about their bad experiences telling someone then being rejected. There is only one person I don't want to find out and that is my father, one day we were walking around his property and he made bad comments about people who had it and at that time I had just relocated back to AZ and was going through so much emotionally from my divorce that it made me feel like a real piece of crap. So I have gone through so many different emotions with this and finally got fed up with the last guy I shortly dated 2 1/2 years ago and that is the last time I have had sex. Been out with others who have tried but that is it for me until I find that one special person I see a future with, if he will ever come who knows but sex for the most part doesn't even interest me anymore.

 

I really appreciate you contacting me! It is so nice to get nice feedback from my post anymore. I just try to help others anymore and they get so controversial with me that I learned to keep my mouth shut about a lot of things on the facebook group. I am not there to piss people off but to try and get them to open their eyes and see that this is not as bad as it is made out by others, screw them and hopefully out of their ignorance don't catch it one day!

[2Legit2Quit]

@lynnie I get what you're saying. I used to provide support on another forum and it mentally drained me. People were very combative and aggressive and in denial. It was very negative on there and people who were hypercondriacks were on there and the males were the worst. It got so bad, that I wouldn't respond to posts made by makes, because they were so difficult for me to deal w in that site. I pretty much stopped even checking my personal email, because I didn't want to deal w it anymore and then I checked back the other week and felt bad, as I had all these personal messages from people freaking out and wanting to speak to me, but I just couldn't do it anymore on that site. It was draining. Here people look around for a bit, before commenting and posting, so the tone is set for them before they post. Very different on here.

[casi1001]

I couldn't find the facebook group you were talking about, is it on facebook or is it just a different site?

 

I'm sorry you think your father might react badly. A lot of it may be the way things used to be in "his day" and age and how they looked at sex and more so though as to what they thought they knew about H. You can try and hide it from him or you could use it to maybe educate him on what it really is. He probably talks the way he does out of ignorance (nothing against your father) as it wasn't something that was talked about just like sex wasn't talked about unfortunately. It's a hard choice to make on your part but just remember that he should love you no matter what. This (H) is nothing more then an inconvenient skin rash not a death sentence by any means.

 

I am finding that most of the people who bad mouth and make fun of people who have an STD do so out of ignorance and are usually terrified it could happen to them but they are to scared to even think of being tested. Out of site out of mind basically.

[lynnie]

My dad hasn't been a one woman man, he has just been lucky. Why do you think I didn't have a great upbringing on building a good relationship instead of thinking sex is how you find it. My mom wasn't the best example either but after becoming a Born Again Christian over 30 years ago made it even worse. I would like to talk to you in private, my e-mail is Tamlynn65@yahoo.com and I can get you in that group. Actually they are having a get together tonight at a place in Phoenix at 6:00. Let me know if you are interested and I will find the place and address, I am planning on going for the first time in quite a while. This is through AZ Peeps which is a new group.

[2Legit2Quit]

I plan on moving out there next yr to Az, so I'd like to keep in touch as well

[casi1001]

Thanks Lynn but I'm in Illinois LOL so getting together in AZ would be a bit hard ;). I'd be happy to email you, I'll do that here a just a few so you have my address.

[lynnie]

Just wrote you a novel on hotmail! LOL I now see you do live in Illinois. I would like to stay in contact and when you do relocate back here will get you into this group. I'm not sure if POS has one in Illinois or not but this other one is new. Take care and have a great day! And happy to have made a new friend

[lynnie]

@lynnie I get what you're saying. I used to provide support on another forum and it mentally drained me. People were very combative and aggressive and in denial. It was very negative on there and people who were hypercondriacks were on there and the males were the worst. It got so bad, that I wouldn't respond to posts made by makes, because they were so difficult for me to deal w in that site. I pretty much stopped even checking my personal email, because I didn't want to deal w it anymore and then I checked back the other week and felt bad, as I had all these personal messages from people freaking out and wanting to speak to me, but I just couldn't do it anymore on that site. It was draining. Here people look around for a bit, before commenting and posting, so the tone is set for them before they post. Very different on here.

 

 

[lynnie]

It is very frustrating! You try to help people and they take offense to what you are trying to say. I have been glad to find this site, people are so nice on here not judging you. It is hard enough to have the H curse but it is harder to find people to share your frustrations with and not be torn down because they don't agree with you. I don't post stuff that I think is going to piss people off, I am just trying to make people feel better about this situation. It hasn't been easy since my divorce 5 years ago and going back into the dating nightmare. I got so fed up after my last relationship 2 1/2 years ago that I just don't let anyone in anymore, he has got to be a pretty nice non using person to do that again. Thank you so much for talking to me and it is nice to find this site!

[2Legit2Quit]

I hear you, I haven't been in a relationship or opened myself backup to anyone in 5yra since my last relationship. It really messed me up... Rather just be alone. I went two yrs no sex and had sex once and got this. It feels like a curse and I have more symptoms than most, but it's also been a blessing for me as well. It's made me change my perception about a lot of things and reevalwevwn friendships in my life and what I will and will no longer accept in my life. I used to really let people I love shit on me. I think of everyone is open minded enough, they can truly at some point, find a blessing in getting H, that they'd not come to had they not got it.

[WCSDancer2010]

Just catching up on here, but Welcome @lynnie!

 

I'm completely with you on the dating scene ... I also had all my details on all my sites and I mostly at least got "nicer" men who at least respected me for being open about it ... but none who I really meshed with for the most part. One lasted a few weeks, but as we were discussing taking it to the next level, I made sure he understood what it means to date someone who is a Herpes Advocate, and THAT is what scared him off... that his friend might find out he's dating a woman with H.... SMH ... Oh well ... I need a man who will support me ..especially when I'm doing something that brings good to the world. His loss!

 

I hear ya on the guys who get in your pants then disappear too .... at least that is *my* experience too .. and it's actually in the last 5 years that this seems to have gotten worse. I'm hitting frustration point as well ... and it's so hard to know when to finally get physical ... I've kept guys waiting longer and longer and STILL get the same result. So I don't know what to tell you, but the *good* news is for the Newbies .... in that, this just really shows you that Herpes doesn't stop a lot of guys from wanting to get in your pants .... although it DOES help you to weed at least *some* out who are more interested in getting INTO you than those who are interested in getting into YOU...lol

 

I think things like Tinder just make it too easy for people (not just guys) to go out, get laid, and not have to worry about the responsibility and difficulties that go with early dating ....

 

So no, you are FAR from alone friend ... because I'm currently dealing with figuring out if I'm going to cut the current guy loose because he doesn't seem to be able to find 5 minutes a day to text/call .... I thought we had discussed this and he got the message last week, but that was on the phone ... if he's lucky, he'll get one more F2F with me and if he doesn't get the message, he's gone ... I WON'T be treated like an option ...

 

 

[lynnie]

I have to tell you how nice it has been to talk to other women on this site and how nice you all have been and are just as frustrated as I am. I have always gotten so much flax for telling about being honest on the sites. You can only take so much rejection until you snap! I always find that guys text you all the time at first and then they start sending you the same text which I wonder if you can save and reuse then you don't hear from them at all. Now I get them trying to convince me into going to bed with them, how big they are, sending me photos that I have gotten so disgusted that I tell them right off the bat that I can give myself an orgasm and most of them can't. They make great toys that don't give you a present to live with for rest of your life. I used to be very shy and afraid to open my mouth and after the last jerk I decided it wasn't worth it anymore. It is going to take a hell of a guy to get me there again and it has already been 2 1/2 yrs since I went all the way with anyone.

 

I see old couples walking hand in hand still and wonder if that is still even possible this day and age. I hope to meet that person one day but I refuse to let myself get used again in the process of finding him. All I can say is value yourself and don't allow anyone to take advantage of you! He doesn't deserve you!

[lynnie]

And thank you for welcoming me!

[StillMeButWiser]

Hi Ladies, I believe today's dating, relationship is much different than years ago. Taken more casually. Maybe because today's society has accepted casual sex, multiple partners and the opposite sex is a dime of dozen. So easy to dump and fish again. After experiencing the fishing scene for awhile catching nothing but crazy catches one starts to believe all fishes are same, therefore treating them likewise. Unfair to the rest.

 

In my dating experience, guys believe sex should come date three. It's in their blood to always try. My saying is, guys always want to get laid but want to marry a virgin. Lol. When I said that to the guy I'm with now. His response was, because those girls we score with are for the other guy (to marry). To be fair, the shoe can easily fit on the other foot. Girls do the same. I'm guilty.

 

Bottom line, to find a different kind of fish one needs to try a new fishing spot with a different approach, technique and attitude. Changing expectations helps too. Allow yourself to stand out among the rest by being yourself. Confidence is key. Herpes is only a piece of this puzzle.

 

Good luck. Most importantly have fun.

 

[2Legit2Quit]

@stillmebutwiser I too have had issue w men in regards to the timeline w sex. If I tell them that sez is something I share w soneone in a committed relationship they actually start to argue w me about it and I they slowly slip away. In regards to the dating sites, guys who come out and ask, although it is states in your profile what you're looking for, what you want; they are looking for a hookup. That's been my experience at least. They do start to get very sexual right away, like asking me my bra size, etc.. Along w many other reasons, I just stopped dating at the beginning of the yr and don't plan on revising it for a long time again. Sites like tinder have destroyed any real dating and men feel like something may always be better w the next swipe right... Or however it works.

[lynnie]

I know what you are saying. Just met this guy off of match.com the other day and he is dyslexic and couldn't read my whole profile so when we met I asked him if he read that I have herpes and he said no that he couldn't read everything but told me he had it also. He hasn't had it but a few years and seems so desperate to have someone in his life that he tells me how he makes a lot of money and redoes cars etc and all he has done is made me nervous about seeing him again. He says how he wants someone to have a relationship with that he would like to find the gal who gave him this and sue her. I keep telling him I'm not into sex off the bat and he keeps telling me how much he likes it but if I come over he won't try anything like I have told him everyone else does when you go to their house. I am getting like you, tired of the stupid games they play and haven't had actual sex in so long that it doesn't even bother me. I don't like being alone but when I do meet people I want my space so am thinking I am more comfortable without a man anymore. Looking back at my past they have all brought unhappiness in my life and bankruptcy twice that I have been married because of their debt and I had to file because I said I DO. It sucks to be lonely but it sucks more to be with someone that makes you unhappy. I just need to keep telling myself that every time I meet these jerks. I am with you, I am going to stop looking and if he shows up great and if not so be it. We are what is important and not whether or not we are going to please a dick tonight! They have a hand for that! So just be strong and hang on to your integrity! Easy for me to tell someone else but I am getting there also. We need to start a group of women who aren't taking men's shit anymore! LOL

 

[lynnie]

Hi Ladies, I believe today's dating, relationship is much different than years ago. Taken more casually. Maybe because today's society has accepted casual sex, multiple partners and the opposite sex is a dime of dozen. So easy to dump and fish again. After experiencing the fishing scene for awhile catching nothing but crazy catches one starts to believe all fishes are same, therefore treating them likewise. Unfair to the rest.

 

In my dating experience, guys believe sex should come date three. It's in their blood to always try. My saying is, guys always want to get laid but want to marry a virgin. Lol. When I said that to the guy I'm with now. His response was, because those girls we score with are for the other guy (to marry). To be fair, the shoe can easily fit on the other foot. Girls do the same. I'm guilty.

 

Bottom line, to find a different kind of fish one needs to try a new fishing spot with a different approach, technique and attitude. Changing expectations helps too. Allow yourself to stand out among the rest by being yourself. Confidence is key. Herpes is only a piece of this puzzle.

 

Good luck. Most importantly have fun.