How do I tell the new guy I'm dating that I just found out about my herpes

[Jgirl31]

I've been reading a lot of questions and answers about people disclosing to new partners. But I haven't found anyone found anyone that's quite asked the situation I'm in. I met a guy two weeks ago, we had a great time (or at least I did) and we did have sex. We had a second date and it seemed just as good as the first. But last week I went to the doctor and found out I have herpes. I feel pretty convinced that telling this guy will run him off. I understand the whole idea behind if he cares about me it may out weigh the stigma of herpes, but I don't think we are there yet. It's just been a couple casual dates. I feel like if I had more time to let the relationship grow maybe it would be ok. I have had such trouble dating my whole life, I'm 31 and never really been in a relationship.

[Anna01]

Hmmmmm....well first let me say welcome. You came to the right place. So may I ask what kind of test did you take? How did you find out you have Herpes? Blood test, swab, "visual diagnosis"?

[Jgirl31]

At first I thought it was a shave gone wrong. But when the pain and bumps kept getting worse I went int the doctor and he visually diagnoses it. I did have a swab test done and I am supposed to hear back about that today. I don't really have any doubt about what I have, it feels and looks exactly like the rash of shingles I got 3 years ago. Makes since with them being in the same virus family. Fingers crossed the doctor got it wrong though haha

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

Well here's something to consider - if your blood test is negative, then this means it's a recent infection - which would point to him. So you may not be telling about "your" herpes, you might be telling him about "his" herpes! Did you get a blood test too?

[Jgirl31]

No I didn't have a blood test just the swab test. Are you saying I should have a blood test too?

[2Legit2Quit]

Yes, I think you need to go take a type specific IgG Elissa blood test asap... How can you be so sure he didn't give this to you?

[2Legit2Quit]

We're telling you to get a blood test, because if you take one immediately after presenting symptoms and it comes up negative, it means it's a new infection. When I had my primary OB, I swabbed positive and came up negative in blood. 3 mo ths later I came up positive in blood.

[Jgirl31]

Ok, thank you. I'll talk to my doctor when the call me later today. Still going to make it hard to have the talk with the guy either way.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well I'm willing to bet, he gave it to you. Have you never had symptoms before?

[Jgirl31]

That would certainly make the conversation different, but I'm not so sure about having got it form him. I've had plenty of other partners, and it would have meant that I had sex with him and an outbreak within 6 days

[2Legit2Quit]

I had an OB w in 3 days after sex w my giver. I had symptoms on day 2.. I had ulcers and pain, by day 5. If you've never had symptoms before and this looks to be a primary OB and you recently slept w him, I'm willing to bet money he gave it to you. Please go get a blood test asap.

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

Yup, I had my primary outbreak within 4 days as well. Itching on day 3 but just thought it was from wearing a maxi dress ;). Most people show symptoms 2-14 days after infection...there is a very high chance, if it is herpes, it came from him.

[Jgirl31]

I will definitely ask to be set up with a blood test when my doctor calls me back today. This is kind of news to me, because everything you read talks about how you could have had it and not known for a long time

[Nal]

I also had symptoms after 2 days tops. It's hard to tell considering it happened after my first time and I've been struggling with mild vaginismus so in hindsight, I'm not sure where the first-time soreness and swelling ended and the herpes symptoms began. But I def had a bunch of symptoms after day 2. Also, tested positive exactly 2 weeks after getting infected.

[2Legit2Quit]

That is absolutely true, however your timeline and having a bad OB just days after sexual contact w a new partner is suspicious and why getting a blood test immediately will tell you if it's new. Remember, most are asymptomatic and guys who even have symptoms, tend to be a lot less obvious than females.

[Jgirl31]

I will check back in for more advise when I have more info. This has been great info, thank you! I don't want to get my hopes up yet that I will have a negative blood test. Not to be a downer, just planning for the worst and hoping for the best.

[2Legit2Quit]

Even a very low, barely making positive values is indicative of one. Just make sure you get in asap and when you disclose to him, request he be tested.

[Jgirl31]

I already called but they said my doctor would have to call me back in 24-48 hours. But I'm already supposed to be getting a call today about my swab test results. I can't just go in and get the test at my hospital, the doctor has to place an order for it

[2Legit2Quit]

How about planned parenthood?

[WCSDancer2010]

@Jgirl31

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

You sound like you have a typical primary OB post exposure from the guy... it could be HSV1 from oral sex or HSV2 from genital sex ... but either way he could well have no idea he has it, or he may not know about asymptomatic shedding and believe he's ok if he doesn't have symptoms.

 

Either way, we can help you to get informed and help you with how you approach him.... and BTW, we get this kind of inquiry All.The.Time. *Most* people get it from an asymptomatic carrier because they often have done their STD test but don't know that H is not in the tests ...

 

And I'd use either an OBGYN or Planned Parenthood for testing and advice. Gp's are often well behind the 8 ball when it comes to Herpes :p

[Jgirl31]

I do know now that I have HSV1, and I had a blood test this afternoon so o should know in a day or two if I have any antibodies showing up yet. I counted it back and it I did get it from him it's been 18 days. I don't know I'm no expert, I've only been researching and reading up for less than a week but it's not my lack of education on the topic that worries me about having the talk with him. It's our lack or developed relationship and my life long history of rejection without the extra help of HSV. I like this one, but I'm afraid two casual dates (I guess not that casual if I slept with him) won't be a strong enough bond to win

[Jgirl31]

I do appreciate all the positive support I've received so far :)

[WCSDancer2010]

HSV1 facts for you both:

 

** Odds are your guy friend had HSV1 orally. That's known as Cold Sores to most people.

** 80% of the population has it.

** 60% of young people have it by the time they are young adults, acquired in childhood, often from other kids.

** 80% of people with Herpes don't know they have it.

** The NHS recommends that Herpes not be tested for with STD panels... so even if your guy friend had been tested it wouldn't have been included in the test.

** Most DOCTORS (non OBGYN) are terribly misinformed about Herpes, who has it, how to diagnose, how it's spread, etc. So if he wants info I'd suggest you either take him with you to your OBGYN or suggest he go to Planned Parenthood for testing and info

 

 

[Jgirl31]

Yes, thank you.

[Jgirl31]

You guys were right, my blood test was negative. Also now he has asked me to go on a date this evening. I know it's up to me really, but best case senario is it better for me to talk about this ASAP? Will I be looked down on for holding this to myself this evening? If I do tell him is it wrong to wait for the end of the date or do I cut it short by saying it in the beginning? And facts and staristics aside how do I even bring it up? While I feel better about this now that I have the blood test I'm terrified.