Frequent outbreaks and relationships

[whitedaisies]

Just wondering for those witht frequent ob....

 

1) how did you disclose? I get if you are a typical carrier with a few ob a year....but how do you disclose and feel comfortable that you are protecting your partner and giving them the truth about the risks when they are likely greater with more ob?

 

2) when you have found someone who is hsv - or +, how do you have a normal sex life? Do you abstain during every ob or prodome?

 

I haven't had a relationship with h...just two fwb so the situation is totally different. I am just getting a little anxious wondering if it's even possible for someone like me to meet anyone who will accept this and have a normal sexual relationship.

 

Any pointers?

[bird]

This is a good question.

 

A little background: I contracted HSVII about 3 years ago from a guy. The next guy I dated was the first I had to formally disclose to. He accepted me but he hated condoms so I used the medication and abstained if I had symptoms. About a year after we broke up, he claims he still comes up negative with no symptoms.

 

For the past 6 months, I have been on and off with another guy. I disclosed to him before sex and he accepted me, but things have been more difficult. Aside from him seeming awkward about protection and touching me, I just seem to break out more. I'm wondering if it is the rubber condom irritating the area where I break out (base of vaginal opening). But even just getting turn on it seems to initiate a b/o. But now that I haven't had sex with him in a while and recently broke up again, I don't feel any symptoms.

 

It's so frustrating. I have found myself not saying anything to him that I think I may be having symptoms, because it feels like every time we start to go and he's touching me, I can feel a bit of tell-tell irritation. I'm tired of it. But then I sort of feel guilty and self conscious while we're having sex and just pray that he doesn't catch it. I just can't bare to tell him every time, especially since he acts so awkward/uncomfortable about it.

 

In the end, that was a large part of what made me break up with him the last time. I'm glad I had at least one positive experience with my previous ex who was okay even without protection and we had great sex. I hope I don't have to wait too long before I find someone else like that.

[2Legit2Quit]

@bird are you using latex condoms? If so, I suggest you try nonlatex and lots of lobe.

[whitedaisies]

Thank you @bird for responding. I am so glad you had a great experience. My fwb was awesome and never hesitated and was really just awesome With me. But a fwb is limited and I want a relationship. I just feel like no one will want a real relationship with someone like me. That has reacted so badly with this. My fwb never got tested to see if he had hsv1...he just assumed he was an asymptomatic carrier of oral hsv1 bc his last long term partner had oral cold sores. I wish I knew if he was negative or positive bc if he was negative I would feel confident I am not as contagious as I think bc we had frequent oral sex and not as frequent intercourse. Ugh.

 

Anyway just did a profile for on line dating and every time I look at men on the site I think oh yeah this guy sounds good...oh he'll never want me bc of oral and ghsv1 plus constant shmptoms. I am not going to bother.

 

I am fine with the stigma and if I had a few ob a year I would be ok. But this is crazy. Do I settle for what I can get with fwb? I just don't want that anymore no matter how sweet he is our relations ship is limited.

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

My boyfriend has been absolutely incredible. I was diagnosed in early July, and met him really really soon after that. He's been completely, mindblowingly patient with the situation. I shouldn't say mindblowingly - I'm an awesome chick, I do incredible things for him (both in and outside the bedroom!) - but I never thought I would find something quite like this, even before H.

 

I'm far from asymptomatic - I'm still in the early months, I'm on 1g of Valacyclovir for suppression, and I still have near-constant symptoms. Or rather, I have symptoms, clear up, and then a new symptom will start. Since we first had sex in mid-August, we've taken every opportunity to have sex when I've not had symptoms. I can still count the number of times we've had sex on my fingers (!) I abstain with any tingle, OB or even a cut from shaving.

 

And yet, he's still understanding. He's not afraid to get it, but he doesn't want it.

 

We both talked the other day about how, in a way, all of this would be easier for me if I didn't have him. The constant symptoms wouldn't stress me out - I constantly have a clock in my head, telling me when I'll be "safe" to have sex - I wouldn't worry about him getting anything, and maybe I would have less symptoms (since I tend to tear after sex). But we both agreed that our lives are a million times better with the other person in it, minus the 5% of the week that kind of sucks because I am hurting or I'm mentally hurting.

 

I'm so happy that I bucked up and gave my guy the chance. He said we both passed a "test" with H. I said I think he passed the test (accepting it), and I didn't have a test. "Sure you did," he said. "You didn't have to tell me. You could have decided I wasn't worth the stress and ran away. But you chose to tell me, to go through this with me. I don't have to deal with hardly anything. Maybe a little less sex, with more condoms than 'usual,' but you're the one going through everything."

 

Here I am, sometimes thinking he's a saint, where he's sitting there, equally amazed by my strength.

 

I would say that you actually have a better chance of finding a guy that wants a relationship with you with this...meaning, he's ready to make a commitment, which also includes a risk to his health. That he's willing to see you for you, and know that time with you (regardless of how much sex you have) is precious and he won't get enough of it.

 

You should not judge a book by it's cover. Especially with online dating! You could meet up with the guy and realize he's not worth your time, even before you'd get to a point where you'd disclose with H. Don't use H as your wingman to discount everyone - that's not fair to your potential partner you just lost, and it's not fair to you.

 

Sure, if in his profile it hints that he's "looking for dat hookup" then maybe steer clear. But otherwise, try to get to know him first. I think @2legit2quit has made the point a few times that she'll go on dates and realize it's not worth disclosing, even though she was worried the first 1-2 times she met up with and liked the guy. Then by like date 3 things fizzled.

 

You're looking a bit too far into the future here...just date like you normally would, listen for any red flags (OUTSIDE of H too!) and see where it goes.

 

PS, not necessarily for your situation, but I just love this post. It gave me some real perspective as I was rushing through thinking how to disclose: http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2014/02/dating-with-a-std.html

[whitedaisies]

Thank you @nothinggoodgetsaway

 

This is my first experience dating though. I am lesrningn that plus all this ridiculous

 

I know I would be a great partner for anyone. I love very deeply. I am fairly attractive, smart blah blah. I am just scared.

[whitedaisies]

Oh and how and when did u disclose?

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

@whitedaisies I know it's a really scary world out there!

I'm new to dating myself. I had a few (very) long term boyfriends that I met before "online" dating was a real thing - and I met them in high school or college!

This was my first experience dating, and I had my hackles up. Especially since I was on Tinder, I never really expected to find such an amazing guy.

 

The advice for regular dating still applies with you - it's just something personal that you should not feel that you have to reveal until you're ready. You wouldn't talk about your family's history of alcoholism, or your true thoughts on religion, or even politics the first few dates. You talk about your jobs, your humor, your shared interests.

 

It's only his business once one of two things happen: 1) You're ready (REALLY) ready to do the deed and you want to tell him or 2) You're not ready to do the deed, but you trust him and want him to know so you can share the experience together. Either way, this is your decision and when you're ready to tell him. This is not first date stuff. This is weeks (or months!) of knowing each other. And yes, you run the risk of really liking someone, and having him decide to not continue to pursue a relationship. But, you also run the bonus of really getting to know someone, on a big level, more than other people in this day and time.

 

Looking back, and speaking with my friends, we are all way too quick to move to sex. We put the "chemistry" of sex at the forefront. We have sex before we know each other's last names.

 

I think it's why I still have residual anxiety over how "little" sex I'm having. Because it's the most important thing for everyone, right?

 

Wrong. It's simply not true.

 

Please don't let this get you down when it comes to dating. There are so many other reasons you might or might not work out with someone, and they're way more fundamental than this.

 

Plus, and I have been trying to live this as often as I can, there are tons of ways to have fun without having actual sex. I've never had to be more creative!

[whitedaisies]

I am very happy for you @nothinggoodgetsaway but I just can't imagine there are too many guys out there like that

 

I have constant symptoms and I don't have typical lesions but little red bumps on butt and back and legs (usually just one or two). They barely look like anything at all. Today I may have had my first lesion....I dunno...having a damn vagina with this virus is very hard. I can't see anything and I am 43 starting to need glasses for close up and far away and then u gotta tilt the mirror and I must tell u I have penis envy just about now.

 

I have yet to get a positive swab bt symptoms from hell.

 

Anyway what guy wants that. Set up a profile on positive singles and slim to zero pickings. Give up on that. Even though I would prefer a ghsv1 positive male. Too hard to find. At least my anxiety would be less if my partner was the same as me.

 

Anyway I fighting and trying really hard to have some hope that I will find someone but I really am havig my doubts. I just feel like why did I have to get this so bad. It's been two years for me. Anyway bad day today.

 

Maybe I should go off the site for a while and regroup.

[WCSDancer2010]

My fwb was awesome and never hesitated and was really just awesome With me. But a fwb is limited and I want a relationship. I just feel like no one will want a real relationship with someone like me.

 

Sooo - I don't get it... a FWB was "amazing", even though he wasn't interested in a "relationship" but you think a guy who is wanting a relationship will be less ok than a FWB?

 

The problem here, IMO, has NOTHING to do with Herpes and EVERYTHING to do with your feelings of self-worth and believing that you DESERVE a passionate, caring life partner. You could accept that someone that doesn't "love" you could still have sex with you, because it's "just sex" ... and what you are not getting is that in a relationship, while sex can be important, they are choosing to be with YOU through thick and thin, No matter what.

 

I just saw a program the other day where this young, beautiful couple in their 20's were about to get married. 2 weeks before the wedding, the woman was in a car accident and had multiple brain and spinal cord injuries. Now, odds are her first thoughts would be "Who would want a real relationship with someone like me?" (Your words)... yet, he stood by her through all her rehab... and has accepted their new reality with her long term issues (being paralyzed and having a lot of spasticity in her limbs.) THAT is true UNCONDITIONAL love.

 

You said "Who would want a real relationship with someone like me?" ... not... "who would want to have a relationship with someone with HSV1?" ... and THAT, I think, says it all. You need to keep working on yourself ... because it wouldn't matter if you got cured tomorrow, until you learn to love yourself and BELIEVE that you DESERVE love, it's going to be really difficult to be in a relationship because odds are you will unwittingly sabotage it.

 

 

[whitedaisies]

Agreed. But add constant ob and prodome on top of that and it makes it that much harder.

[WCSDancer2010]

Totally understand that... *but* ... perhaps if you come to believe that you deserve love, the other stuff will settle down ... remember H LOVES stress ... Keep working on YOU friend.... you have come a long way.... keep swimmin'!!!