How to use Dating Sites Now that I am infected with Herpes

[Carlover]

I've been infected with herpes since September or October. I realize this now the guy who I received it from turned out to be a level 3 rapist and had no idea or so he said that he had the virus. The relationship was abusive sexually from the start. I've grown up in a verbally abusive relationship living at home with my father and controlling. My past relationship of six years was toxic as well. Anyways long story short. I have now moved on from him. I have dated one guy since the guy who gave my herpes. I have disclosed a couple times via text message.(I was turned down) One guy even treated me as though I was a jewish person in hitlers time it made me feel like. I was crazy to think he would want to date me given my situation.

 

My issue it seems that online dating all guy care about and want to talk about is sex. Any tips on how to get away from it or how to handle it when a guy brings up that he likes to be satisfied sexually without making things go all akward and such pretty much loosing contact with the guy? I recently made an account on a herpes dating site but you have to pay to message anyone and I can't afford that. Also there doesn't seem to be very many guys who are my age I'm 26 yrs old to date on any of the sites I have made profiles on. My limit is around low 30's. I'd like to move on in life and have a family sooner than later in life. It seems like I am now at a disadvantage. Yes I have read the articles I have issues with confidence.

 

I also battle ADHD combined type, Anxiety, and depression. Myself I feel as though living with just that is a challenge. I have disclosed to one family member a cousin of mine no one closer. And recently a friend from high school. Along with a couple other friends I have met through my ADHD groups.

 

Any ideas on how I can just move over and onward and continue to use these sites or what have you its a preferred way of contact for me. I have social anxiety as well by myself being in bars and such. I was told since my diagnosis that I've no longer considered myself the same person.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well hun, if I may be honest? I feel dating should be the least of your worries right now. You need to work on dealing w your past and making you a healthy person mentally; otherwise you will continue to pick douche canoes.

 

I don't know how soon or how you're disclosing to these guys, but it's clear they're not looking for anything serious.

 

Most guy's d do that w on line dating. I'm 34 and they were doing that. You have to make it clear in your profile (if that's what you're looking for i

Of Course), that you want serious inquiries only, for those looking for a relationship. If they mesg you stupid shit, then just ignore them. It tells you 1. They never rqad your profile, which means they're just looking w their dick. 2. The ones who read it and ignored that msg, are still looking w thwir dick and just like the challenge z if they responded sexually anyway. So that's how you eliminate that problem.

[Carlover]

Thanks 2Legit2Quit I've also disclosed to a couple other guys and they accepted it but more in a friendship way.

 

A couple guys have been right off the bat. One came out and asked as he was looking for some fun. Which wouldn't have bothered me. I still havent disclosed to the guy Im seeing were not exclusive and are not spending New Years Eve together.

 

And I have had guys who say in there profile point blank they want to start off as friends and go from there. Except friends to them is having sex as well. I did mention to the guy I'm seeing right now that I do no wish to rush into sex. In my past I hadn't to begin with. It was something that was earned a mutual part of the relationship. We took things slow. But at the same time I am a person who does have a higher sex drive I always have.:(. I hated it with my ex I was never happy all the time. And the sex sucked I later found out.

 

I am learning the signs and do know what to look for as far as the abuse goes. Unfortunately it just makes things more difficult for me is all.

 

I just feel like I miss out on a lot of guys when I tell them I am not up for having sex right away. And put it in my profile? Are you referring to my Herpes status? Like I said I am on a couple positive sites. Have you had any luck with them? I am considering a relationship from them and possibly some casual sex. Unless I buy a really good sex toy between here and now.

[2Legit2Quit]

No, put it in your profile you are not looking for a hookup. That you are looking for people who are serious about being in a relationship. That should help keep some of them at bay, that are just looking for sex.

 

I had luck once on a positive site, but things didn't work out between us. I haven't dated in a yr almost for reasons that have nothing to do w H. Just focusing on myself right now.

[WCSDancer2010]

How you date is TOTALLY up to you. I personally put it on my profile that I had H (near the bottom...it helped me to know who actually READ my profile! LOL). I got a lot of guys who were interested in dating me anyway... some were a little "scared" at first but they saw enough in my profile (and respected me for being honest) that they were intrigued enough to at least reach out.)

 

If you don't put it in your profile, I suggest you don't disclose until they prove that they deserve to know your status... sounds like you have been disclosing before they are at all invested in you.... and the thing I've learned is you either have to be 100% up front or you need to build the relationship first and THEN disclose when sex is likely to occur soon. Texting them in the early days...esp the ones who are really just looking to hook up (under the guise of looking for "friendship") just shows you that they were more interested in getting INTO you, than getting into YOU.

 

I agree with 2legit - sounds like you need to keep working on YOU for awhile.... AND... I get it about the sex drive. So...if you are ok with casual sex (sounds like you are) that's not off the books - you just have to learn how to approach it... we have a lot of folks who have come on here questioning how to go about it - I'll put some links below so you can see what has worked for them....the main thing is to be able to give the person basic, clear information so they can make an educated choice... and ALWAYS use condoms (for YOUR safety as much as theirs).

 

These links may help you to see that you CAN have FWB, or a relationship.... you just have to learn how to work WITH your little H-friend to make it happen 🙂

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

 

http://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites/

 

http://www.vice.com/read/finding-love-with-herpes-thanks-to-sti-positive-online-dating-396?utm_source=vicetwitterus STI dating sites

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

 

Herpes facts video

[WCSDancer2010]

Casual Sex links ... if that is what you are looking for right now... if not, then put up front in the first line that you are not looking for Casual Sex... that will at least slow down some of the over-eager guys looking for hook-ups

 

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/dating-with-herpes Ella

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2749/casual-hook-ups-one-night-stands-with-the-h

 

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/70/herpes-disclosure-and-casual-sex general discussion

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6484/another-great-interview-with-ella-dawson-includes-great-info-on-how-she-deals-with-casual-sex

 

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/7106/two-totally-separate-success-stories (casual sex)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it thiisgoingtobeok (Casual Sex Successful Disclosure)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3271/first-disclosure-was-a-success-i-can-breathe-now- Rogue1313 (casual friend)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3368/my-one-night-wonder Casual sex Willow

 

[Carlover]

Thank you guys. I'm just seeing the email now. That there were comments left. And your right on the friends that I have and not had a problem. I'm not willing to put that I have it in my dating profile. I've seen wayy to many people on there that I went to high school with that I do not needing the whole world knowing. Writing dating profiles are not the easiest thing for me. And I am working on myself.

 

Does having the virus make us more susceptible to getting sick. Such as the common cold and what have you?

[2Legit2Quit]

No, not unless you've previously had immune system issues and have trouble controlling the virus. I have knock on wood, managed to not get sick at all yet this year, but I'm sure me working from home and being paranoid about washing my hands when I come back home may have something to do w it and I have a weak immune system. I have autoimmune disease's and have trouble controlling the virus, but I don't seem to get sick more w it.

[Carlover]

Okay thank you. I was just wondering. When I get sick its hard. I can't take a lot of vitamin c. It messes with my meds. And I have a red dye allergy. Along with I'm already on allergy pills and nasal spray. I can't take sudaped either.

[WCSDancer2010]

I use a mushroom based Immune booster when I get sick - as well as Airborne and Zicam ... and I rarely have a cold that lasts more than a few days... and I have BOTH types of H :p

[2Legit2Quit]

Yeah I have both types of H, but can't control HSV 2, which I got when I had already developed autoimmune disease's and yes, I'm more secluded than most; yet around my neighbor who works at a hospital and her family, they get sick and I don't. Probably, because I was my hajdstafter being over there...

[Carlover]

Ouch both types must be even worse am I correct? Does that mean you have to give immediate disclosure?

I have never heard of a mushroom based booster? I have used ziacam in the past. I just hate that its so expensive. I do nasal washes as well.

[2Legit2Quit]

Why is it any worse? I don't get cold sores and no, people never disclose that they have oral herpes just to kiss someone. It's so common.

[Carlover]

I was not sure on oral herpes. Do I have to use a dental dam for a guy to go down on me? And is there a way to answer a guy when he hasnt met me yet if im 100% clean? Other than avoiding the question I have no idea. If the guy actually gets to know me i think it would be different. Can I lie and say no? I don't want to disclose to the whole world. But I understand a guys or person wanting to know.

[Carlover]

A quick question. I have had only one outbreak that I know of. I am unaware what an outbreak for me looks like. I had one internally not externally. Which made it painful to pee or anything really. So other than that I havent. I had tingling after I finished the treatment and went on to the 500mg a day. So I was put on 1gram of valtrex a day instead of the 500mg. I have yet to have an outbreak since then. Is it because im on a gram?

[hippyherpy]

I use a mushroom based Immune booster when I get sick - as well as Airborne and Zicam ... and I rarely have a cold that lasts more than a few days... and I have BOTH types of H :p

 

I thought airborne was shown to be a fraud.

[2Legit2Quit]

I'm going to let @wcsdancer2010 answer that question about. I know a guy I dated made a comment saying as long as you didn't get any disease's and I just laughed it off and he didn't bring it up again. It was too soon and none of his business for me to decide to disclose, but I felt based on that comment, among other comments about his health, that he wouldn't accept it. W that said, he wasn't right for me anyway, so I ended it.

 

You have HSV 2 right? Then no need for the dentaok dam... It's rare to get HSV 2 in the mouth.

[Carlover]

Okay. So pretty much just brush it off. And thank you for the HSV2 info on a guy going down on me. Granted I havent had it happen. But I wantes to know. I haven't had any attention to that area since the guy I got it from. One other question BTW you two ladies are awesome and full of advice. I read somewhere you can't go tanning and have to be careful in the sun is that correct?

[2Legit2Quit]

There's others who have no qualms w it. Not everyone is triggered by the same things. Maybe wearing bottoms in the tanning bed at first. Most things will be trial and error for everyone w H, because our immune systems are as unique as our thumbprints, so there's no one size fits all in regards to how someone will react to the virus. We're all different w it. No two people are the exact same w symptoms and triggers. Only like 2% of oral herpes are from HSV 2 and typically in those who are immune comprised w HIV.

[WCSDancer2010]

I use a mushroom based Immune booster when I get sick - as well as Airborne and Zicam ... and I rarely have a cold that lasts more than a few days... and I have BOTH types of H :p

 

I thought airborne was shown to be a fraud.

 

Well, the herbs and such that are meant to be in it are legit assuming they are in there.... and it works for me.... and I had my father on it for over a year and he stopped getting Bronchitis ... so I can only go on *my* experience. I would assume if it was a fraud it wouldn't still be on the shelves - the FDA would have pulled it...

[WCSDancer2010]

Oral Sex Info, Straight from the experts mouth - go to 19.45 for the Oral Sex discussion

 

[WCSDancer2010]

As for people with HSV1 orally, it's an interesting ethical discussion, but generally I feel that 80% of people have it, and 80% don't know they have it. So odds are VERY high that the other person has been exposed to it MANY times when kissing... so I don't disclose unless/until sexual contact seems to be on the table in the near future ... that is, unless I've disclosed about my status already in my profile (I've done both... with equal success BTW) ... but most people, even when you do tell them up front about oral H, will say "Oh - all my friends have it" and odds are they won't care.... but it's not something I'd put out there on a first date if you are not already "out" ...

 

And no, having both isn't "worse". I just live and deal with it when it tries to come up and after 35 yrs I'm pretty good at controlling it.

 

This is the mushroom product that I use

 

http://www.newchapter.com/mushrooms/lifeshield-immune-support