Just found out I have HSV 2 on Wednesday, and I feel as though my world is falling apart...

[RM]

I've been in and out of crying spells and depressive episodes since finding out I have HSV 2 this past Wednesday. I had my first outbreak over Christmas weekend, and although it wasn't that bad, I'm still in utter disbelief. I've been intimate with three men in eight yrs, and I'm trying to figure out when this could've happened to me. Even though it's irrelevant I suppose....knowing the origin doesn't change the present impact. My moods have been up and down. It wasn't terribly difficult to tell the father of my kids (we haven't been together in five years)...he's been very supportive and caring. However, I had to tell the man I'm currently seeing/sleeping with. We reconnected again three months ago after briefly dating in February. Things were going well, and he had just asked me to be his girlfriend and BAM! I have to tell him about my herpes...what a difficult conversation to have. He said he never had a symptoms before, but would go get tested. He said this wouldn't impact our relationship at all...that he would be shallow if it did. Even though he said these things, I can't help but feel as though he's been distancing himself from me. He isn't texting me as much and it takes him awhile to respond to me. I know it's only been three days since I found out, but the thought of him not being there for me while I'm going through this emotional hurt makes everything that much worse. I'm just so sad and depressed. I don't feel sexy anymore. I don't feel desirable. And I can't but feel like he's trying to fade out....

[2Legit2Quit]

I'm sorry to hear, we can all relate to how you feel. A couple questions. Had you slept w your ex recently before the OB? 80% of people are asymptomatic, so there's a chance it came from him. There's also the chance you've been asymptomatic and are just now showing up.

.it's not uncommon for us to see men distance themselves w this news from when they got it or heard someone they're will has it. Men tend to go into cave mode to process things. The hard part to figure out though, is you can't decipher between cave mode or him trying to bolt. More often than not, it's processing something. I know easier said than done, but try not to assume worse case scenario. Neither of you know who gave it to who at this point.

 

We're you diagnosed by swab and/or blood test?

[RM]

Thank you for responding. I'm new to the forum and it makes things more bearable to know I'm not completely alone with this. I'm not considering this guy my ex quite yet...he said things will be fine so only time will tell. I was in a long-term relationship prior to meeting him and never had any symptoms. My ex nor my kid's dad has had any symptoms but you never know. The current guy and I started sleeping together again in October. Before that, we briefly dated February through April. Probably had sex with him six or seven times earlier last year and have been sleeping with him again since October. We had sex on the 24th of December, and my symptoms started developing within two days after that. I only heard from him once today, and that was a simple text six hours ago...I'm trying not to be overly emotional or needy but it's pretty difficult not to do so, considering the circumstances.

 

I went to Planned Parenthood since my regular gyno couldn't fit me in for another two weeks. They did a culture swab and it came back positive. I had blood work done, but they ended up telling me that was for HIV, not herpes. Fortunately, I'm negative with all other types of STD's.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well hun, he's the most recent you've slept w in the last six months, it coukd very well be him. Don't put the cart before the horse right now, it's fair game. Men have the hardest time w H. See it all the time. They have the hardest time w acceptance and tend to be in denial. I'm sure he's running through his head what this means.

 

I don't think you're being needy, you're asking for the support you need and deserve. He's being a bit selfish right now, especially if he has no symptoms, which often leads people to assume they don't have it and blame the other person.

 

Ok, well go have the blood test done ASAP! If this is a new infection, it will show up negative on your blood. If it comes up positive, you've had it 3-4 months . that's the only timeline you can get and it may give you better insight into your situation.

[RM]

Oh wow! I didn't know that. I have an appointment with my regular obgyn this upcoming Friday, so I'll definitely request a blood test. I'm pretty irritated with Planned Parenthood because I specifically requested a herpes blood test. Oh well. What's six more days? Lol. Aside from everything going on with my guy, I think I've been handling the news pretty well. I've been suffering from depression for years and have been in a mental funk for such a long time. I just feel like every aspect of my life needs to be altered...my job, my relationship, my parenting, my mental well-being...the list goes on. I was finally getting to a place where I was starting to get stronger and then this happens to me. I just have to remember that I'm blessed in the sense that my OB wasn't bad at all. No pain at all. I had a terrible headache that lasted two or three days last weekend, and my back was killing me. Then I noticed a couple of bumps, but I assumed they were ingrown hairs due to a wax I got a few weeks ago. But, being the panicked stricken hypochondriac that I am, I needed to go get checked. And the news wasn't great. She prescribed me aciclovir (idk if I spelled it correctly), and I plan on taking it continuously for suppressive therapy. I just don't like that I can't have sex whenever I want now. I'm in my early thirties and in my sexual prime, so this puts a damper on things. I just want things to be normal again. I don't want to think of my life in terms of "before herpes" and "after herpes". I know that no one who sees me knows of this, but it still brings me down. I want to be happy with myself and my body. I've always had insecurities and tend to be very critical and obsessive over myself...especially my body. Now this is something that is completely out of my control...that won't ever truly go away...that I will have to disclose to someone prior to intimacy and risk being judged and rejected...I also fear passing it to others. My initial thought wasn't about me. It was the pain of thinking I may have potentially given this to other people...especially the father of my kids. That kills me the most. I could never forgive myself for being so damn careless and then hurting the people I love the most. That's the hardest part. Another thing, it's hard for me to pull myself out of my funk and be there for my two boys. These last couple of days have been brutal. I got in a terrible verbal and physical altercation with my sister (who I live with). She said some awful things to me...unforgivable things...I felt no support or understanding, and now my living situation is strained. How can I forget that I have this and muster up any strength to be the mother my boys deserve? I feel so selfish...

 

Btw, my bf called me not too long ago. I'm certain all these doubts are purely psychological and fear based, but I can't help but feel incredibly insecure right now...

[2Legit2Quit]

Hun, I was suffering from depression as well and was coming out if it, when I got it. It definitely set me back a lot and I regret that I let it, but mainly for me, it was because my symptoms were so severe. I had severe neuropathy and was in anticonvulsants for four months. I can't control the virus at all. So please don't let this derail you, it's not worth it.

 

Your partner may have it too, so don't assume you can't have sex wherever you want.

 

Just like you said you have no control over it, then doesn't that mean it is pointless to obsess about it? I'm the same way as you, but I realized that this would make life even harder if I obsessed about having herpes. You gotta treat it the same way those w cold sores do.

 

It's nor.all to feel the way you do right now, be patient w yourself

[RM]

I'm really trying hard not to obsess over it. I just worry about being treated differently...I don't want this to define me or my relationships. I just picked up my meds from the pharmacy and the pharmacist asked if I was sure I wanted to talk about the med in front of my sister. Made me feel worse, like I have a disease or something. Oh wait...I do. Lol.

To me, it's not just a skin condition, even though it is. This effects whoever I may sleep with, so I'm not taking it lightly. I need to learn to be okay with it, but I'm already very insecure....the thought of being rejected or not desired due to this could break me....

[hippyherpy]

You look sexy to me ;)

 

Even if I didn't have herpes and you did, I'd probably still hook-up with you.

[RM]

Haha! Lol thanks for making me feel a tiny bit better lol

[WCSDancer2010]

@RM

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Just to let you know, Herpes is an equal opportunity virus... and it doesn't play by any real "rules"... I got it on my first ever sexual experience. Talk about crappy odds....I'm a 35+ yr veteran, and the reality is that for the vast majority of us, Herpes is a nuisance.... AND it can become your Wingman if you learn to work with it... (I know, I sound like a freak here but it will show you who the people are who truly love you unconditionally are ..because they won't care one jot that you have it)

 

Either way, you just joined 15-20% of the population... so you are FAR from alone. I'm going to put some links below to help you get a reality check about the little bugger. I'd say it sounds like you got it from the BF - and he's off processing.... assuming he comes back H+, he will have to deal with knowing he gave it to you.... and I'd get that blood test because that will let you know if you had it before you got back with him again.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Herpes facts video

 

 

 

[RM]

Hi, and thank you for responding to my post. I know that roughly 20% of the population has herpes, but I honestly never thought about it until it affected me. I suppose it's that selfish mode of thinking that plagues so many of us... that it's very easy to judge others and not think about something or how to protect ourselves until that very thing directly impacts us. I've been a very selfish person... I tend to think about myself prior to others...I tend to place my self-worth and value on romantic relationships...meaning that I have a very difficult time relying and trusting my own judgment. I am very easily persuaded, especially when I have doubts about anything...and I constantly require reassurance in some form or another. I am sincerely afraid of being alone and not being loved. I have suffered from depression for such a long time, and this has definitely not helped in the slightest. I know I'm not alone. I just want things to go back to normal, but not the normal I had...I need a new normal if that makes any sense whatsoever. I want to change my mode of thinking and be more optimistic.... and I don't want to suffer anymore from depression or allow herpes to get the best of me.

 

lol I liked your comment about H being my new wingman....can you elaborate on how I could do that? Trying my best to be optimistic, I told my sister that I simply have several little friends that will pop up to say hello from time to time. I'm trying to have a good perspective on everything, but I have been in and out of a crazed emotional state these past several days. How do I get through this and become the best person I can possibly be? How can I be the best mom I can be? How do I stop thinking of my vagina every damn second of the day (and not in a good way)? How did you get through it?

 

Oh, I am planning on getting the blood test on Friday. Not sure what that'll do. I guess if it's negative, then I for sure got it from my new guy, but if it's positive, who the hell knows? Damn, I think regular screening should be the norm. Can you believe I assumed that I had EVERY STI test done when I got pregnant....both times? I thought I was in the clear.

 

Even my sister said something today that made me think. She said, "Renee, I could even have herpes. Hell, I've never been tested before either". It's scary to think about HOW MANY people actually have this and don't know it because they don't think to get tested and request the test. Wish I would've been smarter, but that may not have necessarily changed the outcome.

 

As for my guy, he may be off processing. Who knows? I'm about ready to tell him to hit the road. I need someone who will be there when I'm going through shit too. But, like you said....he may be off processing the fact that he might have herpes himself. And that's hard to swallow.... and he suffers from anxiety himself. I texted him over two hrs ago, saying I was feeling down...and no response. I feel so needy right now....

[WCSDancer2010]

Yes - H can be your Wingman - crazy, eh? lets just say in the dating world, it will quickly show you who wants to get into YOU, and who wants to GET INTO you REAL FAST!

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

 

How do I get through this and become the best person I can possibly be? How can I be the best mom I can be? How do I stop thinking of my vagina every damn second of the day (and not in a good way)? How did you get through it?

 

Be patient with yourself. I think you know, down deep, that this may be what you needed to make you the strong, awesome person that I can tell you are already. (I know because you asked those questions!). Just trust the process... allow yourself to get through it day by day. Look for the lessons about who you have been, and who you want to be. But to be the best mom you can be? Don't let the stigma get to you. Don't let anyone EVER bully you because you happen to carry a virus that odds are THEY also have. Be the person you would want THEM to be if they found out they had the virus. As for your vagina...the novelty will wear off after awhile...LOL

 

And yes - with 80% of people being asymptomatic, and the CDC sticking to their guns that we shouldn't/don't need to test, the only other way to change things will be to educate anyone we can... at *some* point I hope the right people who have influence in the media will grab it and make a stink... in the meantime, we can only do our bit to try to not pass it on, AND accept that sometimes no matter what you do, shit happens. Just as every time we get in a car, we may have an accident, so there is always that *small* chance we can pass it on, no matter what we do. But we can only do our best, to be our best. The rest is out of our hands :)

 

As for your guy... and you ... you recognize how needy you are feeling. I totally get that... but know that you WILL get through this no matter what.... and this may be the thing that shows you more about who he REALLY is than years of being together ever will...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[2Legit2Quit]

Omfg, I laughed so hard reading your comment @hippyherpy ! Lmao... Flirting on the forums! ;-)

 

As for the pharmacist, I actually respect that he asked, because some people are very embarrassed to even pick up their meds. I know I was and the first few months I had it, would go to another place then my usual for it. Now I don't care so much anymore. They're always super nice and don't treat me any different and give my digs treats through the drive thru. It takes time to feel acceptance w this virus. It is new, relax and stop beating yourself up on how long it will take to stop consuming your thoughts. I was the same way for months. Then one day I'd go out and realize I hadn't even thought about it for an hr or more when out. The more time it passed, I could go all night and not think about it. It takes time.

 

I hope you consider therapy a minimum once a week for now to help you get that new normal. You ask how you get through it ... You just do. What other choice do we have? We don't. What's done is done and you have to remind yourself of that, every time you start obsessing about it.

[herpaderp]

Hey RM, just wanted to say that I found out this morning that I have HSV-2, so everything you're going through ... I can relate. This is my first post here. I am doing my damndest to stay positive (hah, no pun) about this situation but it's tough. I'm a guy, also in my early 30s, and I truly just started to feel like I was hitting my "sexual prime". Dating cute girls has never been so easy! Hah, fuck, how ironic. And I'm pretty sure I didn't get it from one of the couple of recent girls I've been with, they were both too recent to show up on the blood test, which means I most likely got it from a woman I knew very well who I slept with about a year ago. But of course I do get to call up those recent girls and tell them about this. Oh how fun that is going to be. I'm planning on doing it Thursday. I don't know why, but I need just a few days before I can go through with those calls.

 

Ugh. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you're so not alone. This is going to sound fucking horrible, but my biggest hope for making those calls is that one of those girls says "I have it too, I should have told you". Then at least it's one less person to worry about possibly having spread it to... and maybe we can even continue on with our relations. Not that I wouldn't be irritated she didn't tell me prior, but at this point it'd be more relieving to hear that. Man that sounds fucked but that's where my head's at.

 

Good luck to you, We'll make it through this shit, I truly do believe in the potential for good things to come from this, although it might take a while to see that silver lining.

[RM]

@WCSDancer2010

I've always been the relationship girl...I've never been known to have casual sexual flings, since I know it would mess with my self-esteem so badly, plus I can't get comfortable sexually with another person if I don't know them well enough...so using herpes as a tool to determine who wants to "get into me" fast is pretty irrelevant lol. I don't have a hard time saying no to people, but I was on a dating site for a little while, which is how I met the current guy. I don't think I waited long enough to have sex with him, because I didn't know where he was emotionally or if he was wanting what I wanted in terms of a relationship. But, that was prior to herpes, and now I feel that the daunting task of disclosure to a possible future boyfriend is inevitable. I'm not fearful of disclosure, as it is a MUST. I just know that before I ever need to go there, I need to become more secure as a person in order to fully handle any possible situation which may come may way.

 

I find your words very comforting and encouraging. It's hard to be patient. I just want to stop thinking about it, but I am aware that today is much better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the prior day and so forth. Like you stated...it takes time to heal emotionally from this. I don't want to pretend this doesn't exist once my symptoms are completely gone. I need to keep this at the forefront of my mind in order to make better choices in the future. And use myself as a reason to never judge others. I'm trying very hard. I saw a new therapist today, and she prayed for me at the end of our session, which was very comforting. I don't consider myself to be spiritual, but I feel like changing my current depressive thinking patterns is a good first step in the right direction. I need to find fulfillment and joy...otherwise, what am I here for? I also met up with my friend today for coffee. Her story is so sad. Her ex-husband sexually abused their three-year old daughter...and cheated on her multiple times...he's in prison now...and she's moving forward and fighting depression every step of the way and is doing the best she possibly can to be the best mom to her girls. Her ex also gave her herpes. I believe he was her first sexual experience. I called to her for guidance, and she assured me that things will get better. I need to remind myself that shit could've been a whole lot worse.

 

I just want to say thank you for your words and advice...I will definitely be going back to those words for encouragement whenever needed.

 

 

@2Legit2Quit

Ya, I think I may have judged the pharmacist a little too harshly. I was very emotional and any little indication of a judgment on me was intensified tenfold. I know he was trying to be nice, but it rubbed me wrong at the time. I'm sure those feelings will only get better in time. I like my pharmacy and I'm not ashamed of my prescription lol. I'll carry the damn bag in my hand hahaha.

 

I plan on going to therapy once a week, maybe getting on anti-depressants again. She's going to assess me for ADD so we will see...

There are so many other crazy things going on in my life, the herpes just made a bad situation even worse. But, I went to Barnes & Noble today and picked up my copy of "Ten Days to Self-Esteem"...so I am trying lol. I need to change my focus and be more positive. I need to think of my boys. I need to stop focusing on the wrong men for sure. My energy is being drained by all the wrong things, and I need to reassess what's most important. I took a self-assessment today, and by surprise I discovered I suffer from severe depression and severe anxiety. Fun shit lol. The herpes didn't create that in a week, so I have a lot of past stuff to work through to find my healing space.

 

@herpaderp

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. And welcome to the forum as well. I've only been on here for a few days, but it's definitely helping. It's a form of therapy as well...to put how I feel into words and get feedback/advice. I've known I am HSV-2 positive for one week tomorrow. Yay. lol.

 

I understand needing time to process everything before talking to your recent sexual partners. I didn't do that. I didn't even have my results back yet. I went ape shit crazy when I saw a couple of bumps, that I called both my exes and freaked out. They were both super supportive. My kid's dad took his blood test today. My other ex is taking his test tomorrow. One is more scared than the other, but the ongoing quote is "It is what is is". Like we all say, we can't dwell on things that are beyond our control....this is part of that. But....easier said than done. Yet another thing that takes time I suppose. I was most afraid to tell my current sexual partner...but it was a strange conversation. He isn't very emotionally available, but his reaction wasn't bad at all. He got tested last week. You'll do just fine. Just remember, that you didn't wish this upon anyone, including yourself. You had no clue at the time, and those girls took the same risk as you by sleeping with you (and vice versa). I'll never know the origin of my herpes, and I have to come to term with that. It was a risk I took, and I was unfortunately exposed to it. Now that you're aware of your diagnosis, you can make better, informed decisions in the future. And it isn't bad that you feel one or both of them have herpes too...it would make the task less daunting. Is it bad that I secretly hope that my current guy has it? Because then we can continue our sex life as normal? Fucked up too. But, I will be genuinely happy if he's negative. I don't know. Like I said, my emotions are all over the place.

 

Thank you again, and feel free to reach out to me if you ever need someone to talk/vent to.

[nowwhat]

Hi RM- I have found this forum to be of great help since i joined end of Dec. I found out in the summer but stayed with my giver because we thought we could make it work. It didn't. So my reaction to my condition was completely delayed until we broke up a month ago. Every single day I have been anxious and what appears to be mildly depressed. I go onto Adrial's videos and others on youtube and of course this forum. It ALL helps but your healing - and mine - will no doubt require baby steps.

 

Read my original post in this same discussion category. i've gotten better with it in this short time. Still, it won't be until my first disclosure that i feel any sense of true relief. I'm still turning down fix-ups from my friends who don't know because i'm just not ready for the rejection but i'm working on it with everything i read on this site. I have 3 different girls that keep asking me to hang out and i'm graciously declining (so not the old me... which in many ways feels great). Like you see on this forum, it is going to change the way you seek out a future partner, all for the better.. it's just GETTING there.

 

By the way, it helps to share with your inner circle. I was so down this evening (breathing and chest tightness and sad) and one of my friends invited me to her place for dinner. Made a huge difference in how this evening could've gone.

[2Legit2Quit]

Awww @nowwhat great advice! Hang in these! You're going to be just fine! We're all going to get through this together! None of us are alone and just remember that!