Success! but...

[justagirl72]

Hello friends!

 

After a first few horrendous months with H, I finally began looking at it as a blessing in disguise. I've finally had to slow down and make emotional connections with men rather than masking everything with sex.

 

I recently met a new guy and things moved really quickly... more emotionally than physically which is totally new ground for me... but thanks H for forcing this to happen! Besides my giver and my ex who I mistakenly got back together with for a second, he was the first guy I've had to disclose to. Due to these circumstances, I disclosed A LOT sooner than I thought I was going to. I had no idea how he was going to react. We really haven't known each other long, but we hit it off in a crazy way. So I just laid it all out there and then pretty much assumed he was going to bail but he handled it perfectly. And he kept asking me if I was okay after telling him. Like... shouldn't I be asking him that?! I do know that he is nervous and I've given him statistics and encouraged him to do his own research. I just can't get over how well he took my disclosure. He didn't ask for time or space to process it. I watched him work it through his head and he did say that it sucks, but it isn't the end of the world.

 

But I'm still feeling weird post disclosure. Like I want to run. But he has been so consistent and supportive. We get along so well. We still haven't been physical at all, and I feel like another discussion needs to happen and I think he has more questions for me. I think we're both hesitant to bring anything up because things have been going so well.

 

I don't know what the next step is? We obviously don't need to rush in to sex. But I want to make sure he's comfortable or that he won't freak out or any other crazy scenario I've made up in my head.

[breathe123]

@justagirl72 I'm new to all of this, so I won't give advice. I do want to applaude you though on your confidence and ability to just lay it on the table. Do you think you can just ask him if he has any questions from your recent conversation? I hope everything is going well with you all! :)

[2Legit2Quit]

Yeah, sounds like you're wanting validation from him, that he's ok with it. I'm sure he doesn't know if he should bring it up to you, in fear of hurting your feelings. He may be thinking that if you wanted to talk about it, you would. I would just send him the tramission risks spread sheet and ask him if he has any questions as a conversation starter on the topic.

[WCSDancer2010]

So - have you two talked since you wrote this? Sometimes guys are ok with it in the immediate moment, then they "go into their cave" and go silent. If he's doing that, don't freak out. It's a guy thing...LOL. Having talked to several men when I've been going through my own insecurities (non-H related) when guys have gone quiet on me, I've learned that it just seems to be the way that many guys deal with stuff that they need to digest and think about.

 

One other thing - I just looked up your other convo's on here and realized I missed your problems with the ongoing Oral OB's .... if you can't get rid of them in the future I use Ammonium Alum - dries them right up - and I carry a vial of Oragel Single Dose which also knocks mine right back, but it's as expensive as hell so I use it when I can't use my Alum... Links for both below :)

 

http://amzn.to/1CHUzZE Link to Alum

 

http://tinyurl.com/Oragelsgldose

[justagirl72]

Update time!

 

So... after I disclosed, he did say he has questions and then never brought it up again. We have since slept together (a few times ;)) and it's been great. He's never wavered or been anything less than supportive. He brought up the fact that he does have things he wants to ask, but they obviously don't affect his decision to want to have sex with me. I was afraid he would freak out afterwards. Mainly because my ex did that pretty frequently and it made me feel awful. But he's done nothing like that.

 

And actually... we were having sex over the weekend, and he literally stopped mid thrust (sorry!tmi) and was like, "serious question, can I take this condom off and just assume the risk" and I told him absolutely not. And we went back and forth because he said he's an adult and he can make that choice blah blah blah. And I actually got really upset (and honestly kind of cried lol) because it is also MY choice to protect him. Once he saw how visibly upset I got he backed off. I understand guys don't like condoms, it's their choice to use them, but that's how I effing got in to this situation in the first place. So, blah. Maybe one day we can stop using them if that's really how he feels, but I'm personally not ready for that.

 

I need to find the transmission rates!

[fyrefenyx]

I just got clarification. Female to male without condoms and without meds is 4%. With condoms/just meds 2% with both condoms and meds 1%

 

Am i correct @2Legit2Quit? ;-)

[fyrefenyx]

Im almost in thecsame boat as you...i disclosed super early but we havent had sex yet but he's still been there every step of the way. I want to fully make sure we have a deep connection as we think we do before doing the deed. Each of u you have a choice and it's to be discussed as your relationship builds. He knows the risk and he's making a choice and I think you hold strong integrity for wanting to protect him. This is between you both but just remember condoms still do not guarantee that he will not get H.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

 

[2Legit2Quit]

Don't forget girl, he doesn't know for sure he doesn't have something. I wouldn't have unprotected sex w him, until he takes a full panel in three months, so you can rule out anything he may have caught right before you entered the picture. Remember, our risk of getting HIV goes up 3 fold having H and not because of having a possible sore, but because our genital tract now has CDR 4 & 8 Immune T cells, which is what suppresses H from surfacing. Normally these wouldn't be there, but because we have H, they are and what cells does HIV infect? Those EXACT same T cells and is why our risk increases.

 

Yea, those numbers are correct. @fyrefenyx

[fyrefenyx]

Thx what was the yransmission rate for oral sex with hsv2? I forget

[2Legit2Quit]

There is no transmission stats on that, I don't believe. Just that it's supposed to be rare and about 2% of oral H cases are HSV 2. I question those numbers though..

[fyrefenyx]

Ah, ok i thought i saw that on here i think i saw something posted on terri warren's site though. I know hsv2 doesnt li the oral cavity and i knew it was a low # to have it orally but couldnt remember the stats. Wondering: for the few who have hsv2 orally, are they mostly female or male? Hmmm...

[2Legit2Quit]

From the studies I read it was mainly gay men w HIV, but we've had some on here recently, one man and one femakwz who said they got oral HSV 2.

[WCSDancer2010]

@fyrefenyx

 

We DO have the Shedding rates for oral HSV2 (as far as we know but as H2 hates the oral area it tends to eventually go away and sulk...LOL) .. You can figure out your assumed risk but looking at the risk for H2 genital and you will see your risk should be miniscule. I just wouldn't play with *any* kind of throat irritation...

 

Here are the %s of the time herpes silently sheds the virus based on the HSV type and location (not to be confused with transmission rates).

 

HSV-2 genital 15-30%

HSV-1 genital 3-5%

HSV-1 oral 9-18%

HSV-2 oral 1%

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@justagirl72

 

I suggest that you talk to him outside of the bedroom. Maybe make an agreement that he uses condoms for the first 4 months - then he gets tested - then you revisit whether he uses them... and if you decide to stop, you take the anti-virals which give him MORE protection than a condom (the condom only protects the area that it covers, you know, so if your OB's are towards the outside of the labia, it's only keeping him from getting it directly on the shaft)

 

That way, he has something to look forward to, you have his test (which you should have) and then you can "assume the burden" of protecting him by taking the anti-virals :)

 

I have had 2 BF's for 3 yrs ... and neither got it. And remember, just because YOU have OB's doesn't mean they will... 80% never have an OB at all ...

 

Think of it this way...

 

**I assume you drive a car

**and I assume if that is correct, you may occasionally drive your lover/BF somewhere

**And you BOTH know there is ALWAYS a risk of a car accident no matter how careful you are

**But you drive him anyway, right? Do you obsess day and night that you might injure/kill him every time he gets in your car? I doubt it.

**Why is the possibility of passing on H any different? At least it won't kill him!!!

 

Think on it :)