I did my first real disclosure last night and I can't stop crying

[notmyrealname]

I got divorce and started dating again once I knew I was ready. I have never disclosed since my ex-husband which was 8 years ago...So I met this guy, we have a connection, 4 hours with him doesn't even feel like 1. We talk and joke and share, it hasn't been long but we can both see this going somewhere so I realized that I didn't want to get too emotionally invested, or him be, then have him split later if he couldn't handle it so I disclosed last night. He came over and met my kids and while the kids were distracted I disclosed. He had a family member who had it, so he knew a little bit. He took it well. He didn't run out the door, or treat me like a leper. He was respectful, he asked questions, I was honest and as positive as possible and put the facts in front of him. He told me that he'd like to take things slow and that if this turns serious that it won't be an issue but until then, he'd like to refrain from sex. We cuddled, we kissed, we held hands and he stayed for another hour or 2 and kissed me goodnight. He text me and asked if I would meet his kids next week. I should be overjoyed right? I'm not used to being vulnerable though and I feel like I just took a giant risk and I'm angry that I have herpes, and I am so scared. I feel like I'm just going to be waiting for him to walk away, and that it shouldn't matter, but it does. Or that in the future I will have to relive this with every guy I ever give a damn about and I hate it. I'm not a big crier, but all morning into the afternoon I keep crying on and off. I want to push him away and I don't want this to be my life. He text today, I don't want to talk to him. I just want to run. I needed to get this off my chest...

[mr_hopp]

Oh I'm so glad you're sharing all this with us! Because everything you're feeling is perfectly normal and natural. It's called a vulnerability hangover. ;)

 

Especially when you have so much shame and judgments against yourself, it takes A LOT to open yourself up to not just the potential judgment and rejection of someone else, but of yourself! So it's double-whammy when you disclose, especially your first time! So don't let the negative thoughts drag you back down. You did a great job. The demons in our heads can be sooo insidious. Even when something good happens, we try to sabotage it because we're afraid of still getting rejected. And all of us as human beings have this deep, deep fear of rejection. It's just that something like herpes excavates all that terror and self-judgment all at once, especially in these moments of making ourselves vulnerable to someone else. Think of it like all of these emotions and feelings you're feeling right now is a purge of your system. You've spent a lot of energy hiding this stuff, pushing it down deeper. Now it's exploding out of you because you opened the floodgates. It's only natural. And it's healthy. Let it happen and treat yourself like your own best friend. No judgments about crying, okay? It's just washing away that old crud you've been holding onto for so long. Let it go. Now is the most important time to practice self-compassion and congratulate yourself for doing a good and courageous thing instead of beating yourself up about it. It's ironic that the very same negative thoughts that make it hard to make ourselves vulnerable twist things around to make even something that can easily be seen as a success into a failure. You're on the right path. This is the path of vulnerability. Your muscles are getting strengthened. Good fucking job. :)

 

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek." — Joseph Campbell

[hippyherpy]

Like Adrial said, this feeling will pass and you will become stronger. Life is rife with rejections of all sorts. If you've had a comfy situation for a while, then this is just another part of existence you haven't experienced in a while and can seem exaggeratedly worse in comparison. It's totally normal. What you are feeling right now isn't the only thing, and there will be good feelings in the future.

 

Like jumping into water, it might seem cold at first but then you get used to it and can have fun swimming around, and eventually you aren't even thinking about the temperature of the water.

 

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@notmyrealname

 

Hello, Welcome, and a Big Fat (((HUG))) to you friend!

 

So - as @Adrial and @hippyherpy said, this is normal, the "vulnerability hangover" ... in fact, Brene Brown (my personal Hero!) talks about it here:

 

Vulnerability

 

So - try to allow yourself to understand that this is ok - AND - it's opening you up in ways you are not used to and it's going to be uncomfortable as all hell for awhile. Like a flower, or a butterfly, you have been bound up, inside your protective shell for 8 yrs. You just cracked that sucker open and it can be scary to suddenly have all this beautiful space around you to spread your wings. It can also be tempting to crawl back inside where it's safe. Don't. Open your wings and let them dry in the sun. You don't have to fly just yet. Just BREATHE and take it all in.

 

In the meantime, just let your man know you are dealing with this discomfort of being open and vulnerable which you haven't in awhile. He sounds like the kind of guy who will totally understand. You've been playing SuperMom for 8 yrs and it's going to take a bit (even without herpes!!!) to let someone in again.

 

These links may help you too.... there's a lot of great info here and all the support you need. When you want to run, come here, get a little support and a hug, and then get back out there and give this guy a chance :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6070/it-gets-better great tips for newbies

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

 

 

Shame