Just found out yesterday

[Kat85]

I was diagnosed yesterday, and I'm freaking out a little bit. Okay, more like a lot. I'm reading every bit of information on the subject and am so thankful that it's a manageable condition. I know it's extremely common. I'm picking up my Valtrex at the pharmacy in a few hours, so there's that, too.

 

I think the worst part is that after I explained the situation to the guy I'm seeing, he did a lot of guilting and then stopped answering calls and texts. I never once came to him in an accusatory fashion- I just explained to him what my doctor told me, told him that he needs to be tested even if he shows no signs (he doesn't, and my doc told me there's a good chance he's asymptomatic). I gave him a link to the CDC information, and told him I wanted him to be as informed as I'm trying to be. It was only after I told him I couldn't stop crying that he got nasty towards me and said something to the effect of, "If you're not angry, why are you pressing the issue so much?" That's the worst part- the animosity from someone who only hours before the diagnosis claimed to love me.

 

My body presents a strong emotional response in the form of crying. I can't help it. I am newly diagnosed and trying to figure out what to think and feel, but right now, I just feel rejected. There's not really any local support groups around here that I can find, and because I live in the Bible Belt, I'm terrified of going to Planned Parenthood. (There are always protesters and, when a friend of mine went, someone followed her car around. Once she realized what was happening, she drove out of her way to get rid of him. He finally gave up after about 30 minutes of tailing her.)

 

I'm just kind of in a vortex of emotions right now, but I'm trying my damnedest to figure things out! I'm obviously not blasting my diagnosis to everyone I know- just my partner obviously, Mom and my best friend who are both being extremely supportive. I have tried to contact my previous partner, but cannot find a way to reach him. I just feel like I'm in a daze, standing in the middle of a busy roadway intersection. I immediately felt dirty and broken upon hearing the H word from my doctor. I immediately thought that nobody would ever want to be with me and how lonely my life was about to become. I know everyone here has been on that roller coaster of over-analyzing everything and feeling every bit of the emotional spectrum, and I am so happy to have stumbled across this community of love and acceptance. Reading your stories makes me feel like I'm not alone in this struggle like I initially and irrationally thought.

[MMissouri]

Cry it out. There's nothing wrong with it. It's kind of like you have to grieve your past life. Maybe it's the innocence lost, or the naive mindset (it won't happen to me) or guilt for taking risks, or anger for trusting people.. who knows. But it's a part of the acceptance process. So you do what you have to do today, then tomorrow it'll be a little bit better. And the next day a little more.

 

As for your partner, It sounds as if he went on the defensive. I could be wrong. It's a process for him as well. I would focus on yourself, and give him time. Maybe he's your giver, maybe he's not. H is a tricky thing.

 

Other than learning about your outbreaks (triggers, length of time, symptoms you may have etc), I suggest you read the information on the forum and the posts by others. It really does help. You'll find that sometimes, the mental symptoms seem to be far worse than the physical ones.

 

It's going to be okay. Really.

[Kat85]

Thank you.

I think I'm just so emotional already and that's why the diagnosis is hitting me as hard as it is.

I quit the job from hell a few days ago, and my grandfather passed away. It's that old saying: "Bad things happen in threes!"

I'm pretty sure I have a good excuse to have a bottle of wine tonight though! Silver lining?

[MMissouri]

I'm sorry about your grandfather. As for the job (From hell?) it sounds like quitting could be a good thing!

 

Enjoy the wine. :)

[Kat85]

Thank you!

And it was a good thing- for my sanity. Having a manager who treats employees like second-class citizens is entirely too stressful.

[DarleneMitchell]

Yes i agree with MMissouri, cry out and bring out your emotions.

[hadvocate]

@Kat85 I can completely relate to just finding out and reading every article on the subject. Also to only telling my mom, best friend, and now ex boyfriend. He and I werent serious anyways and we didnt date long. My ex wasnt mad, & i broke up with him. Im not mad either though, i think mainly because I know its partially my fault for not wearing condoms because he and i never did and because i know putting my energy into being mad or sad useless. I do like to cry, and then i feel better and dont cry for the same reason again. It really could be worse. And, no one ever has to know. Its your secret to keep or tell to someone you trust. It can also be your choice to make it a casual conversation that you arent ashamed of. A lot of people here have shared their successes with that. Im so thankful for this site. I do hope you feel better :)

[Kat85]

Thanks, y'all. My best friend has really been there for me today, checking on me every few hours. He kind of laid it out for me like this: I've suffered from depression and anxiety since I was very little, but yet I still keep going. These are just inconveniences/minor roadblocks in the grand scheme of things. H is just another one of those inconveniences. I'm still trying to come to grips with the situation, but I really think having that outlook is going to help me cope.

[Bambina3]

I cry, I still cry but not as often, not sure I'll ever get over the shock, you are not alone

[Elise1977]

The first day after my diagnosis, I was in a haze. I didn't feel anything. I went on with my life per usual. But the weekend after, when I started thinking about maybe losing the person I loved to a skin irritation, wooo boy, I sat in the dark and cried for three days. I didn't eat. I didn't leave the house. I just cried and cried until my head felt like it would explode.

 

Then the fog lifted. Your fog will lift, too! Try to remember that you are the same person. That H will not stop you from having friends, from your family loving you, from finding someone to share your life with, if that's what you so choose. You will laugh and share intimate moments. Those things do not end just because of herpes. There are tens of millions of people in this country with HSV. You are not alone!

 

I'm really sorry that your partner was not more understanding. He may be in a state of shock or denial himself. Or else he knew or had suspicions, and is trying to deflect guilt.

[Katidid]

Quiting your job from hell was a good thing. Hopefully a new job will give you a new start. We've all been where you are and just know it will get better from here......I promise! I'm married 20 yrs to a man who is H- and life is great!! Glad you have support......I never told anyone other than my two disclosures early on. Just educate yourself as much as possible and everything else will fall into place.