He's afraid of me

[Arty]

I was diagnosed with genital HSV2 in January. I had never had symptoms before, but had to have had it at least ten years. The diagnosis came three months into a new relationship with a good man that seemed like a really good thing. It put a huge wrench in everything. He is a germophobe and probably has some OCD, and with the whole stigma thing it didn't surprise me that it was a lot for him to think and worry about, even though he gets cold sores. He backed way off, but we continued to see each other. We had sex once after my diagnosis, and he beat himself up over it. He putzed around for months to get tested, and said he actually might have been relieved if he was positive because H wouldn't be an issue. He wasn't. He decided H was a deal breaker and we stopped seeing each other. It hurt a lot, but I got it. I missed him terribly and he missed me more than he anticipated. Somehow we ended up talking again, and the last few months we have seen each other not a lot but regularly and had some kind of contact daily. Since I knew he needed time to get over his fear of H, I have tried to be cool about being intimate without the sex that was so great before that we both miss. It has been enjoyable for sure, but frustrating too. Even with condoms and antiviral, he is afraid to put his penis inside me, because nothing is 100% that he won't get this horrific thing he's blown so far out of proportion. I've given him stats and facts and common sense comparisons and he is still paralyzed by his fear. About the only positive is that I know he wants to spend time with me for ME and not sex. The ironic thing is, there are several men (decent guys that I already know and who know about my status, not just any old Joes!) who would be happy to have sex, but I don't want that because they don't love me. The man I love wants me, the whole package, but is afraid to have sex with me.

 

Last week we had a misunderstanding about something and he reminded me that we were not in a committed relationship and I could do what I want, even though it was clear he didn't like the thought. Even though we hadn't had a conversation about it, the way things were going seemed to warrant defining the relationship. So...he says I'm awesome in all the right ways, but this isn't going anywhere BECAUSE OF H. He says that's the only thing holding him back. I told him I feel like hes been using me to fill his time until someone better/less damaged comes along. He swears this is not the case. He says he's not been and is not interested in seeing anyone else. So then I think he's using the H as an excuse to not be with me. He assures me that he is still torn and confused about the whole thing because he cares a lot for me and he realizes his fear is robbing him of a good thing. I'm really angry at myself for falling for him and getting back into this, and I'm angry with him for being dense and throwing me away because of a rash. I told him when I think about deal breakers for a relationship they are immaturity, irresponsibility, being unkind, not accepting kids, no sense of humor, drug/alcohol addiction, and crazy psycho stalker behavior, etc. Herpes pales in comparison. Every relationship has something that needs to be worked through, everyone has baggage of some kind that affects their partner and the relationship. Although I see it for what it is, a skin rash, H has ruined my self esteem. I'm not interested in dating those men I mentioned. I don't want to open up to anyone again. I want to be with someone who can't be with me. Im not looking for forever, just a commitment to now and seeing what happens. I'm not young and I've got a life with my kids and my job. I just want to enhance it by sharing with someone I care about who reciprocates AND isn't afraid to express it physically. It just seems so unfair. A few months ago I was so happy and feeling so good about life, and it seems like life said nope, here's a damn virus to screw with you, like you haven't had enough. ONE blister in all these years has brought me lower than many of the real traumas I've experienced in my life. It's not just the relationship but the hit my self worth has taken and the ability to focus on the positive and gratefulness that has me feeling so down.

 

If you read all this, thanks for letting me vent. Much needed today. HERPES SUCKS.

[optimist]

@Arty I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a very similar experience when I was diagnosed. It was frustrating for many of the same reasons you mentioned but I'm at peace with it now and truly feel it all worked out for the best. It did make that time of coming to terms with my diagnosis more challenging, but eventually that worked out, too. I'm going to private message you later if that's okay with you.

[Arty]

I'm sorry you had the same experience! Yes, please do. I can use all the support I can get today.

[Bambina3]

So, I know you are emotionally connected to this man, and it is understandably upsetting you.

From an outsiders point of view, reading it is actually pissing me off. Why?

Because he has hsv1. I totally get the stigma surrounding hsv2, but have you been tested for 1? Shouldn't he be also concerned about passing his 1 to partners? Does he not realize he can genitally pass 1 to partners thru oral sex? I've read on here where people suffer with hsv1 in the genital region...I think this dude needs more education.

 

Good luck, you will find happiness!!!!!!!

[Turquoise621]

@Arty, my heart is breaking for you. I was very recently diagnosed and had to disclose to someone I really liked, although we were not in a relationship, we had been intimate. It was so hard, and although he was kind, I have not heard from him. I cried for 2 days after I was diagnosed and was convinced no one could ever love me. I read positive stories every day and give myself pep talks often. I am still the same kickass person I have always been. I hope you can see your value and stop waiting on this man. Go and live your life. I promise you there are accepting people. I have been fairly open about my diagnosis and I have been pleasantly surprised by the support I have encountered, and ftr I do not have any idea who gave it to me. I got it because I am a grown woman that enjoys having sex. I refuse to be ashamed. I posted a poem a week or so ago titled "I am fine." I hope you read it and draw some empowerment from it because as a person, you are fine! When you start to feel down on yourself, look in the mirror and say "I am worthy. I am worth the risk. To someone, I am worth the risk." You deserve to be with someone who has not reduced you to a walking infectious disease and that is what your boyfriend is doing. You deserve love and companionship. You are worth the risk.

[Katidid]

I'm one of the positive stories on here. I've had Hvs2 over 30 yrs. I've disclosed 2 times (both positive)....I'm married to the 2nd one for a little over 20 yrs now and he is H-. It's very possible to have a great sex life and relationship with someone who is H-. Just put your best foot forward, always try to look your best, take care of yourself etc and be confident.....you will find that special someone who knows H is no big deal.