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Doomed to be alone?

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It has been a year and a half and I'm not doing well. The only thing that reminds me that I have herpes is dating. I insist on telling the other person because that was a decision that was denied to me and I refuse to give it to someone else without them consenting to it. However, it is extremely exhausting/defeating/frustrating to have connections with people, tell them I have herpes, and feel them pull away no matter how great our connection was. I've had a couple try to push past the stigma but usually stigma and fear wins out a month later.


I don't know how to deal with this. And i'm started to feel cursed or that I'm doomed to have to deal with this the rest of my life and it's getting me really depressed. To constantly have to be reminded that the ultimate deal breaker is that I have herpes and that most people find that bad enough to break things off even though everything else is going well. It's especially frustrating because it seems the thing keeping me from these connections is something I wasn't given the opportunity to consent to or decide for myself. I'm cursed/doomed to be alone because of what some asshole decided to do one night. How is this fair?


Has anyone felt this way? And if so, were you doomed to be single forever? or is there hope?

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You are far from alone feeling this way. I spent the better part of the first ten years I had this avoiding relationships. (had it 30 years now). I was involved in one relationship in that time and that was because of her getting cold sores came up in conversation one day. I figured she would understand. She did. After a year the relationship fizzled out and I was back to square one.


I met my wife 20 years ago in a herpes chatroom on AOL. We lived in the same state. One thing lead to another and we got married. Being with someone else who has it certainly simplifies things. Back then I would never have tried to pursue a relationship with someone who was negative.


WCSDancer2010 has a blog at this link http://supporttruthanddialog.com/. It covers a lot of issues we've all had to deal with at one time or another. I believe you may find it very helpful. http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/ and http://supporttruthanddialog.com/category/relationships-and-herpes/herpes-dating/are a couple of articles that may be useful.

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You aren't doomed. That's just you buying into the stigma. Many many people knowingly get married to partners who have herpes. Really not a big deal. Be careful not use "scapegoat" this predominantly unnoticeable skin condition into the reason why you aren't getting the results you want from your live life. There are definitely millions more fish in the sea to be in relationships with. Don't let a couple rejections get you down. That's just part of life, regardless of herpes.

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I actually no longer care i have it but i wish there was a way to meet other people who do


Its been a year and i am just going to stop seeing anyone i dont know is infected. Any advice on finding people with the same problem


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@Animus1 there are dating sites specifically for positive singles - and check for any meetup groups in your area. I found one in mine that is a private group - meetup.com even suggested setting up a separate profile for the H group


I haven't personally used either because it's still very new to me and I'm just not ready to start seeing anyone yet. It's an option I've considered when I'm ready.

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@futurelawyer I felt the exact same way you did. I joined a couple dating sites one is POF the other is positive singles. And i met my current partner on positive singles.

When I was on POF I just disclosed on the site but didn't include my picture (for obvious reasons) but I would share my picture with them after talking and getting to know someone first. I had many people message to tell me they also had it, some people message and ask questions, others were just flat out attracted based on my honesty alone. I even made friends with some guys on there who were concerned they thought they had it but we're too scared to go find out for sure and I provided support to these people. I dated a few people from POF none of them had hsv, one guy I dated for a while included a doctor. I say get out there and give it a shot because there are plenty of open minded people and I found that if anything it helped rebuild my confidence to get back out there again.


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I've dated several people since testing positive. Met most of them on Tinder. One also had HSV2 (just a coincidence), one was in an open relationship with a primary partner who had HSV2 (and they were both fine with me having it, as well), one knew he had HSV1 and didn't stigmatize one type over another, and the rest did not know their own status, as is so common.


When you think about the fact that roughly 80% of adults have HSV1, HSV2 or both, and either type can potentially be transmitted to an uninfected partner, the reality is that most people on dating sites are capable of transmitting herpes, most of them just don't know it. And whether they know about it or not, it is clearly not stopping them from putting themselves out there.


I don't see anything wrong with trying a herpes specific dating site, as long as you know you are not limited to such sites.

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You don't need to quarantine yourself on an STD specific dating website. I can guarantee you that there millions of people on Tunder or OkCupid who have herpes too. Regardless of herpes, don't rely on online dating to meet people. Get out there in real life and make real connections with people. Don't hide behind a computer screen. All you are doing is making software developers richer.

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