So. I did it. I disclosed for the first time.

[Manc182]

Hey all.

I've hovered over this group for a few months... longer than that really. I've seen discussions of disclosures gone amazingly right and some that have made my heart sink, as they went wrong.

I've been "apart of the club" as I like to say... since August of last year. Coming up on my one year anniversary (yaaay

[Manc182]

I don't know why this didn't post all the way.

 

But. To summarize the previous lengthy post.

I just wanted to say... I did it.

The guy I've been seeing since March. He's the first guy I've ever told.

 

I read from a letter I wrote on my phone. I tried to control my emotions, but I couldn't contain the tears.

When I told him earlier in the day that I'd be coming by later, because I had to talk to him, he thought I was coming over to break up with him.

So as I sat there and poured out my heart through the tears, his defenses came down and he sat beside me ... and cried with me.

 

He said. "I know what you're saying, and I want you to know... I'm not going anywhere."

Relief flooded my heart... but in the same token... I felt like he wasn't even thinking it through. So I made him promise to research and do some thinking and hard soul searching. We've only known each other for a few months. He promised he would, but said "I don't need time to think. I know what I want, and that's you. We'll get through this together".

 

So that's where we are.

He came over yesterday (the day after disclosing) and took me to the lake. Said he thought I needed to get out and smile again.

He hasn't brought it up again.

And his affection toward me hasn't changed.

 

But at times, when we're quietly driving... I worry that his mind is wandering, and maybe he's rethinking things.

I know the reality may hit him and he might change his mind.

 

But for now, I can breathe knowing that I have done the right thing. I have given him his right to decide about his health.

And even if he changes his mind (which I pray he doesn't), I feel extremely grateful for having the time I've had with him.

And the confidence in my ability to talk to someone I care about, about deeply important issues like this has rose a bit.

 

Thanks for reading.

And for being here in this community to offer support.

I love everything about this forum and have gained a lot of knowledge and strength from your stories.

 

xx

[ash2018]

I love reading success stories :) thanks for sharing! And I wish you and what seems like a terrific guy all the best!

[Manc182]

Thank you ash :)

I feel a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I just had to share. He is an amazing guy, and because of that, I knew I had to tell him. I owed it to him and myself. Even if he walks away down the line. I can rest easy with that peace in my heart.

I'm learning how to be brave.

[Sil88]

Bossed it, well done! The rest is up to him, in the meantime I just wouldn't rush things. Manc as in someone from Manchester btw?

[Manc182]

Bossed it, well done! The rest is up to him, in the meantime I just wouldn't rush things. Manc as in someone from Manchester btw?

 

Thank you! It was the hardest conversation Ive ever had to have. But I laid my heart out. And for someone who doesn't do well with being vulnerable, I'm pretty okay with how I reached deep and found the courage.

 

Also True. I mean everything in me wants to ask him every day if he's done, or wants to walk away... but I'm trying to talk to myself and keep my patience in check.

 

Lol as much as I wish it meant Manchester, it's just initials.

Although I have friends in Manchester!

[HikingGirl]

Kudos to you, @Manc182! I have such admiration for people who find the courage to do hard things.

 

I've said before that I'm a big Brene Brown fan, and your post perfectly describes what she calls "foreboding joy," one of the shields we use to protect ourselves from being vulnerable (the other two being perfectionism and numbing). Foreboding joy is "waiting for the other shoe to drop." We are afraid of being vulnerable because we fear a bad result, and we want to beat it to the punch. Unfortunately, it has also has a way of stealing the most important moments of our lives unless we find ways to celebrate small successes and practice gratitude often (which I also hear in your post).

 

You inspire me!

[Katidid]

Way to own it girl. Don't ever think he's re-thinking when he's quiet. He sounds completely good with it. Just relax and enjoy this great man in your life. My husband (when I first disclosed) said he'd be the last person I'd ever have to tell and he meant it. Never brings it up and is negative after 21 years!

[Manc182]

@HikingGirl thank you!

And that makes absolute sense. I am inherently the person who waits for the other shoe to drop... for the rug to be pulled out. In my mind, if I'm always sort of preparing for the worst... it'll soften the blow.

In this instance I'm trying not to give way to those thoughts, because I also do not have a poker face and he can see right through my forced smile if I'm in my head telling myself bad things are going to happen.

It's a vicious cycle. But I'm really trying to just enjoy the moments with him. However many that may be. I'd pray for the long haul, but I'll take what I can get.

Ive got to remember to breathe and enjoy the now, because that's really all we got. And. Like you said, I'd be robbing myself of joy if I can't at least be happy in the present moment, instead of worrying about the what ifs.

 

As crazy as this sounds, I've seen you post a lot on the stories here and you're always so encouraging and enlightening. The world needs more of that.

Thank you so much :)

[Manc182]

@Katidid thank you!! That is SO encouraging to me. There are good people out there who are just after the love, and don't get bogged down by stigma fueled details... and I pray this guy takes the same path as your husband. So far so good :)

Remembering to tell myself to relax and enjoy the moment. Not always the easiest for me, but luckily... this forum and support exists.

Means more to be able to come here and get a little support and encouragement when times feel low or scary.

 

Thank you!

 

[Manc182]

Just to update.

Feeling a bit like he's pulling away.

 

Didn't text me this morning first, like he always does.

And didn't tell me he loved me right away.

 

Preparing for the worst. :(

[hippyherpy]

The drama of disclosing is all up to you. It's not like you are disclosing to him that you've got some killer STD. It's only herpes, a largely benign skin condition for which most people don't have symptoms. Hell, he might already even have it if he's slept with more than three people.

 

He was probably just crying because he saw you cry. Guess that makes you the leader in the relation FWIW.

[ash2018]

@Manc182 I think that a lot of us have the habit of "waiting for the other shoe to drop". Reading your post I realized thats what I've been doing since I had a dreadful feeling that what I was experiencing was HSV. I had googled the symptoms I had but didn't get an official diagnosis for 2 1/2 weeks (3 doctors later!). The first week I let my mind absolutely torture me with "what ifs" and "I'm going to lose everything" before I told my fiance my worst fear. I'm engaged to an amazing man, we've been together for two years, so you can imagine my shock and panic when I had some things pop up and all of the google Gods pointed to herpes. I, like most of the population, had NO idea that this virus could hide for years. And I had been tested right around the time my fiance and I met, so I couldn't have it! That was my thought anyway, before I realized that most STD testing doesn't include HSV. His response, when I poured my heart out to him about my worst fear (before diagnosis) and told him I was terrified I would lose him and everything, was "well you didn't do anything, right? so you have nothing to worry about". Hes been supportive since. In fact, he thinks I make it a bigger deal than it is, which is comforting in a way. I even told him the other day that I feel like he has more thoughts that he isn't telling me, because hes had so *little* to say about it. And he was actually offended, because he tells me everything. He said "I don't have any more thoughts on it, I don't think its gross, its not a big deal". So there really are people for whom this isn't a big deal. I know this is easier said than done, but I wouldn't read too much into not testing first this morning - over the course of the relationship you guys will probably go back and forth as to who texts who first, thats normal :)

[Manc182]

I just keep that "brace for impact" mentality.

I'm trying not to let him see it though, just giving him his space to think. time will tell. :\

[Katidid]

Personally, I feel if you don't make a big deal out of it.....the person being disclosed to won't either

[Manc182]

@katidid absolutely. I can tell he's feeding off my energy/vibes. I've GOT to get out of my head and keep it moving forward and be the same girl he met and liked initially. Worrying won't change anything, it'll probably make it worse.

 

Y'all. It does not help to have this and already have anxiety and panic attacks. lol I'm a mess.

[hippyherpy]

Do you think they cared about herpes back in Game of Thrones Times? It's only now with marketing for pharma that people are freaked out.

[ash2018]

@hippyherpy I actually thought about that while watching game of thrones last night!

[Manc182]

@happyherpy @ash2018 lol! It's been around since Ancient Greece, right?

Fear drives business for sure!

[hippyherpy]

Just remember that they didn't have condoms back then and people were much more rugged and would probably laughing at how prissy we've become in general.

[Katidid]

Lol....back in those days people only bathed properly a few times per month at best so the stench probably outweighed anything coming with it!!! Just sayin