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So I have Herpes... Maybe?


Cam

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So.. I have herpes.. Maybe?

 

For the past two months i've assumed I do. I have the symptoms. They've lasted for a few weeks, disappeared for a week or so, then returned. I've been to the doctor, I asked to be tested, and was. Negative of all STI's on the standard screening. Negative... of all on the standard... meaning I was never actually tested for herpes. When I realized this I asked my doctor about the possibility of herpes.

 

"I wouldn't worry about being tested. From what I see it just looks like irritation, perhaps jock itch. Even if it was herpes, a test wouldn't tell you how long you've had it or who you got it from, so there's really no point." I bought it. Maybe it is just jock itch. Its finally getting warm again in NC, so that seems reasonable. Thats got to be it.

 

But my mind kept ticking. Something didn't feel right. I've become bitter, caught in the limbo of having herpes and my life being 'over', and being what it always was. I already struggled being happy with myself before the possibility of herpes arose. Now it just feels like one thing after another being thrust on me. How could I ever be my old self and happy again. Do I even want to be my old self? Was that someone I respected? Or was I being what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. Was I ever true to myself? I don't think so.

 

I've always been caught up in what others think of me. I found people I liked, had things in common with, and tried to alter myself into being someone I thought they wanted me to be. It sounds silly I know, but I've never had much confidence in myself. Its something I've tried working on for a few months now, which this whole herpes thing has thrown a wrench into.

 

Will I ever find that 'soul mate' all my friends seem to be finding now? Being in my mid 20s everyone is starting to get hitched and have kids. Before I started having symptoms, I entertained the idea of being single the rest of my years. It was never what I really wanted but I slowly became okay with the fact. But when that thought was running through my head, it was still a choice I was making to be single. Now, if I do have H, it seems like its been thrust upon me.

 

Sorry, I know i'm rambling. I just had to get somethings off my chest. These past two months have been incredibly stressful.

 

I plan on getting tested soon too. I know that simple test would reduce my stress significantly. I've sent a message off too my doctor and am just waiting to schedule an appointment in the next week.

 

Thanks for listening. You're all wonderful :)

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Your not rambling, your getting things off you chest which is needed! Your doc is so totally wrong, they can take blood and find out if your body has built antibodies and they can tell if its an old episode or a new one!! I went through the whole process when my son was born, he ended up in the hospital two days after he was born because I had an episode right before his delivery, wanna talk about stress!! My brand new baby hooked up to iv with acyclavir, everything is fine with him, I had antibodies that I passed on! Pheww, but his father blames me everyday for potentially hurting him, I don't think we will be able to continue being a family because of this! Cheer up Cam life is beautiful dont ever forget who you are!!

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Hi Cam,

 

First of all, you should definitely get tested just to be sure. I am a female so I don’t have to worry about this, but you never know, it could just be “jock itch" ;) But if it is herpes, it would be helpful for you to know whether it is HSV1 or HSV2 since they act a little differently.

 

Anyway - I am also in my mid 20’s so I feel like I can really relate to your post. I was diagnosed about a year ago, and it has been one loooong, stressful year but I am here to tell you that it gets better. In fact, one year later I ironically have more self-confidence than I did before, and I can truly say that I know myself much better than I did a year ago.

 

My advice to you is to take some time to really get to know yourself. Find the things in life that make you happy, recognize some of the goals and aspirations you have for your future and march ahead. Once you realize how much you have to offer, I think you will recognize that while having herpes is obviously less than ideal, it definitely doesn't mean your life is over. There is a common theme on this forum that I read several times and it really resonated with me….you may have herpes, but you are not defined by herpes. At the end of the day, this is your life, and it is what you make of it.

 

Hopefully this helped a bit :)

 

Melissa

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Welcome, Cam. Glad you are here.

 

And by all means, get tested. No sense worrying about what may not be. But if it is herpes, it doesn't have to be a life sentence of aloneness and misery. Herpes does not have to get in the way of your dreams. It may be the path to you becoming your best self. It has been for me. I'm 42 and feel like I am just beginning to embrace myself fully. My herpes diagnosis led me to a lot of healing. It can be the same for you, even if you don't have herpes. Just this wake up call to becoming all you were meant to be.

 

And I honestly think you need to see another doctor. I don't like his treatment of your concerns at all. He seems very disconnected from the anxiety you are having about your symptoms. There is a huge education gap in the medical community about herpes, so your experience isn't uncommon. I just think seeing someone new is worth considering. Take the handouts Adrial has put together with you. There are a lot of issues addressed there that will help you get answers and educate your doctor if needed.

 

Love yourself, Cam. Take care of yourself. Speak kindly to yourself in your head. Get all the yuck out in a journal or open a word doc on your computer and start typing, but don't let the negative thoughts grow. I put sticky notes on my mirror and in my car to remind me to be grateful, know I am loved, that I have a purpose to fulfill in this life and that nothing is going to keep me from that. You have to train yourself to think in a new way and face down the shame you carry. We all have it. We all need healing. You can begin that journey now and whether you have herpes or not, your life will be better and you will be more alive than you were before.

 

much love,

Kristin

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Welcome Cam! I am so glad you posted and I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and the treatment by your doctor. Wow! I couldn't believe his attitude "what's the point". Seriously?? Holy smokes. Unfortunately, his attitude is not uncommon and neither is his lack of knowledge about herpes. I think a lot of doctors are really uncomfortable with herpes on a personal level and that affects their care. Anyway, I am so happy to hear you are asking for him to do the tests. You can't live in this limbo hell wondering. If you don't have it, then fine. If you do, then you can come to terms with it and learn how to live with it.

 

I have a son who will be 20 this month and reading your post I can tell you are a very caring, thoughtful and intelligent man. What I have learned in my 48 years on this planet and from the relationships I have been in is that the really great guys are the ones who struggle with trying to be acceptable and good enough. The jerks are so unaware and selfish that they could care less how they affect people or what people think. As Kristin has said, for me, this herpes thing has been a path to healing, really getting to know myself and learning to love and accept myself. Like you, I struggled with my self-esteem and I was a people pleaser - what do you want, who do you need, what do I need to be for you. I didn't even really know who I was. I looked in the mirror and a stranger stared back. If you asked me what I liked or what lit me up, what made me excited, I honestly couldn't tell you. Well, unless I was trying to be who you wanted me to be - then I was that person. :) It sounds crazy, but it's just because we are trying to be acceptable because we don't feel people will accept US, as we really are. If they knew who we "really were" they wouldn't find us lovable or good enough. Cam, I am here to tell you that you are MORE than good enough. You deserve to be loved and adored for the amazing young man that you are. Herpes or no herpes, you have a beautiful heart, an intelligent mind, a caring spirit. Don't rob the world of who you are by being less than you can be. Let the world see the real you and let who you are be a blessing to those who meet you. We are all here for a reason. Like a tapestry, every thread is important. You are a child of the most high God, you have a reason and a purpose to be here. Don't let your inner critic tell you any different.

 

Please let us know how your appointment goes and thank you so much for reaching out. Please continue to post. I don't think you ramble, you have a lovely way of writing and expressing yourself. You can be a real gift to those on here who are feeling the same fears, the same uncertainties that you are. By sharing who you are, you are making space for others to be brave enough to reach out.

 

Much love,

Brenda xo

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Brenda and Kristen really said it all! (Thanks for the advice for ALL of us readers!). I'm 22 and have been dealing with all this HSV business for only 3 years and although it's been a roller coaster for myself, and a continuous learning experience, it really has made me look at myself in a new light. I still have my own ups and downs, whether I'm just having an emotional day about it all or stressing about dating but at the end of the day it really has caused me to constantly remind myself of my own self worth and look at the positive within myself. As Brenda said, remind yourself of how amazing you are because just the fact that you have the courage and strength to come on here and discuss all this with everyone on here proves that you must have a good soul in there :) I hope things continue to look up for you and like Brenda said, keep us all updated as we're here for support too! <3

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